Curahan Hati

I'm ordinary girl. :) | When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. (Sherlock Holmes)

[islamic-art-and-quotes]

وَكَانَ فَضْلُ اللَّهِ عَلَيْكَ عَظِيمًا

And God’s favors upon you have been tremendous. (Quran 4:113)

Source: mshibo, via IslamicArtDB

[nurulweye]

These past few days, I have still been trying to process everything. At the very least, my ears no longer have to hear the sounds of life support in a room that was once so filled with hope and anxiety.

​Amidst the words of condolences, prayers, and endless questions, it turns out I am so fragile. I sobbed just like a teenager when the 'father' figure I knew arrived, or when a warm embrace from 'mother' held me close while whispering the exact words I needed to hear: "You did your absolute best, my child, by bringing him to the hospital..."

​Some might judge this as selfish and ask 'why', but as his child, I only wanted to protect the dignity of a family provider for one last time, as my final act of devotion.

​It is hard to say the words, but 'goodbye' and 'see you again in eternity' are what I wish to say. You must be happy now, reunited with your mother and your only younger brother over there, without having to endure that agonizing pain anymore.

​I am so proud that in your final moments, I could whisper the verses of the Holy Qur'an and the names of God with strength and fluency—the fruit of your devotion in teaching me faith since early childhood.

​Rest well with that signature smile of yours, Abah. 🥀

​Love, N.

​.

.

.

​[ A Note of Gratitude ]

​My deepest gratitude to RSU Hermina Makassar, which has done its absolute best to treat Abah over the past few years until the end of his life.

​Especially for dr. Andi Tihardimanto Kaharuddin, Sp.JP: "Doctor, there will be no more drama of 'chasing after time' to get treated at two different clinics simultaneously. Truly, your kindness and sincerity will always be remembered and deeply engraved in my heart..."

​In that critical moment, I also owe a debt of gratitude to the Green SM taxi driver who drove me in the dead of night. He was the fourth driver to accept my order, after three others refused due to the road construction traffic. His willingness to help became the crucial bridge for me to reach Abah’s side in time.

​° ° °

​(In memoriam of Sjarif Ridha Yahja; December 23, 1950 - May 24, 2026)

[nurulweye]

Sitting in this cafe, looking through the medical records I just picked up from the hospital. Reading them just takes me right back to the ICU, watching Abah fight until his very last breath.

​Tears just started falling, slowly tracing down my cheeks. It tastes salty, and my heart aches at the same time. I really thought I’d made peace with it, that the tears were gone. But then, I also feel relieved knowing that everyone did their absolute best.

​To the cafe owner, sorry for crying here. But please know that your place and coffee are lovely. It’s just me, trying to make peace with how fragile I am right now.

[nonaabuabu]

"Karena ternyata, apapun yang kita inginkan sepaket dengan apapun yang kita takutkan."

Sebagai penakut yang kadang nggak mau ngaku, aku suka sok merasa bahwa cukup pemberani untuk apapun yang ingin kulakukan. Tapi kayaknya enggak deh, aku cukup sering memilih jalan dengan resiko paling kecil.

Kayak sekarang, aku berencana buat usaha baru, tapi di kepalaku banyak banget alasan-alasan yang sebenarnya bisa disiasati. Aku sibuk berpikir, entar kalau pilih tempat di sini alamat bujang sampai mati dong, atau kalau aku coba yang ini kehidupan aku yang bijak itu mungkin tersingkir. Ih kayaknya kalau aku lakukan, aku bisa berhenti menulis deh. Dan banyak pikiran-pikiran lain yang membuat aku takut. Padahal, ya dijalani aja belum, masalah sebenarnya belum keliatan, tapi aku sibuk mikirin resiko yang bukan resiko usahanya.

Ini mungkin sama kayak kata orang ya, kalau kita pengen sesuatu kita harus korbankan sesuatu. Nah, kayaknya aku nggak suka berkorban. Aku nggak suka kehilangan kendali akan sesuatu yang udah kuanggap ideal. Atau ternyata aku sama aja kayak manusia-manusia yang sibuk sama standar sosial, tentang hidup yang harus teratur, terarah, dan menjadi seseorang yang diperhitungkan.

Jalani dulu kan bisa, hitung resiko usahanya, bukan ketakutan akan kehidupan pribadi yang nggak ideal. Coba aja dulu, kita kan nggak tahu semenarik apa kehidupan yang akan dijalani. Bosan kan, dengan keadaan yang sekarang?

Takut itu cuma pikiran, aslinya takut itu nggak berwujud apapun kecuali membatasi kita banyak hal. Yuk bisa yuk, bisalah. Demi Maret bisa ke Sabang 😊

[nurulweye]

​...

​The room fell into a heavy silence. Outside, the rain had just stopped, leaving only the rhythmic drip-drip against the windowsill. The biting mountain air crept in through the gap under the door, making me grateful for the heavy jacket I was still wearing.

​The only sound between us was the unsteady hitch in your breath—soft and trembling. You just kept your head down. I noticed your lips; the warm, terracotta-tinted lipstick you always wore—the only thing you ever needed to keep from looking pale—was almost entirely gone. Only a faint, smudged stain remained, making you look even more fragile under the dim light. As I leaned closer, the clean scent of your soap mingled with the cold air.

​I took a long, shaky breath, and in that moment, I realized how foolish I must have sounded—giving speeches about diamonds and pebbles when you could barely find the strength to look up. I pulled my hand back awkwardly, shoving it deep into my jacket pocket.

​But then, you reached out.

​Your fingers gripped my hand so tight, your knuckles turning white, as if I were the only thing keeping you from drifting away. As you pulled me closer, the scent of sandalwood clinging to my jacket wrapped around us like a silent promise.

​"I want to believe you," you whispered, your voice small and hollow. You finally looked at me, and your eyes were so empty it hurt more than any tear could. A small, tired smile flickered on your face—the kind that didn’t even try to reach your eyes.

​"But after everything... I don't know what to do with a label like 'diamond.' It feels safer to stay a pebble. At least down there, no one expects me to shine. At least down there, I can't be broken again."

...

[nurulweye]

The past has a gravity of its own, pulling strongest when we’re furthest away.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Melissa Cox

[nurulweye]

...

I pressed a long kiss to the crown of your head, breathing in the scent of your hair—the only thing in this room that felt steady. I stayed there for a heartbeat too long, just trying to lend you whatever strength I had left in me.

​“You’re asking me if you matter,” I whispered against your skin, and I hated how rough my voice sounded. “It breaks my heart that you’re even asking. But... look, you’re asking the wrong person for the answer. Asking him to see your worth is like asking a man who only ever collected pebbles to tell you what a diamond is worth. He doesn’t have the words for you. He never did.”

​I gently tilted your chin, waiting until your eyes found mine. I didn’t want to force you; I just needed you to see that I was right here, in the middle of your wreckage.

​“Listen... some people are just open doors. They’re easy to walk into, but they weren't built to keep anyone safe. He saw you as a beautiful place to stay for a while, but he’s just not the kind of man who stays. And that’s on him. It was never on you.”

​I wiped the salt from your cheek, my thumb lingering there for a moment.

​“A home doesn’t leave you out in the cold the second things get messy. It doesn’t let you cry alone while he’s out there living a life like you never existed—acting like your pain is just background noise to his life.”

​I pulled you a little closer, letting your forehead rest against mine until I could feel the ragged rhythm of your breath.

​“I’m not asking you to forget him tonight. I know it doesn’t work that way. I’m just asking you to put that thing away, and stop breaking your own heart. For tonight, just let me be the place where you don’t have to wonder if you’re enough.”

...

[nurulweye]

Don’t try to build a sanctuary in a soul that remains closed to you. You deserve the kind of love that wonders about your hunger, your weariness, and the rhythm of your voice before sleep. If he cannot meet you there, let him be lost in the depths of his own silent ocean.

[nurulweye]

[nurulweye]

The Queen gives, and the Queen takes away. (Grace Kelly)

[nurulweye]

"If loving you is my present doom, let the heartbreak be the ecstasy I crave."

[kurniawangunadi]

Rasanya, makin dewasa selain makin sepi, juga makin banyak hal yang dipikirkan. Semuanya berkelindan jadi satu, seolah tidak bisa menunggu satu per satu. Semua masalah bertumpuk minta diselesaikan, tanpa memberi ruang jeda untuk menghela nafas.

Hidup dari hari ke hari dengan berbagai macam pertanyaan. Pertanyaan yang justru membuat kita semakin tertekan. Karena jawabannya ada di masa depan dan jalan satu-satunya adalah terus melangkah, sementara langkah ke depan rasanya begitu berat dengan beban dan hambatan. Kalau kamu ingin menumpahkan beban, sudah terbentang sajadah yang panjang. Karena beberapa kali bercerita kepada manusia, yang muncul justru rasa kecewa. Semakin malam, suara di kepala terdengar lebih keras. Hati yang dingin terasa semakin menusuk. Diri terkapar sendirian, menghadapi hantaman keadaan. Jangan terlalu keras sama dirimu sendiri. Jangan hambat langkah dirimu dengan keraguan dan ketakutanmu. Karena kamu akan hidup dengan dirimu, selamanya. (c)KG

[nurulweye]

Berusaha keras membangun tembok pembatas; tapi tetap saja runtuh setiap kamu bertanya,

"Apa kabar?"

"Sedang apa?"

"Iya, aku merindukan suaramu.."

Harusnya kamu mengejar, tapi memilih diam dan berkata, "Tak mungkin, mustahil.."

Padahal kamu belum mencoba.

Tapi setelah berpikir panjang, kupikir jawaban yang tepatnya hanya satu.

Ya, aku hanya second choice dalam hidupmu...

[nurulweye]

Kebanyakan yang memohon sebenarnya tidak ingin melepaskan agar bisa menorehkan sakit lebih dalam.

[knicnacc]

[bookdragonpoet56]

Read this, okay now read it again. Got it? Good 👍

[nurulweye]

Sedang sibuk membersihkan bukti masa lalunya.