lessons learned

believer in empathy one on one conversations and the written word -------- 25 | infp | ca -> wi uc berkeley '18

[nwlsns]

I feel super out of practice with putting my thoughts to paper. But ever since I decided to go back to therapy, I’ve been wanting to get back into the practice of more consistent and intentional self-reflection.

Some revelations and notes I took from this week’s session:

- I couldn’t even stop to consider the ratio of days I genuinely liked my job (in terms of its mission, and the occasional “mindlessness” of it all), to the days I felt it not fulfilling, because the main question that occupies my mind is “how can I even stay afloat here?”. Even if there could be redeeming qualities about my current job, it’s impossible to appreciate them fully because I am overwhelmed with responsibility (this feels somewhat related to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs...)

With regards to the anxiety I feel, about potentially leaving this current job, only to come into a similar situation, or worse:

- When looking for a new job, make sure to really dig into understanding the nature of the job, and what the position will entail. That’s something I felt I didn’t have a completely full picture of when I joined by current company. I could benefit from challenging myself more to connect with current employees in the role I’m applying for, looking to the future.

- Worst case scenario is that I’m back into a similar situation where workload and stress is high, and I feel that my wishes and needs as a human being aren’t being respected - then I’d actually be no worse off than I am now if that were to happen. Evidence shows that I can manage this, and I can say that I’ve been through that before if that were to happen. This threat shouldn’t deter me from making a self-honoring decision to explore a new job opportunity.

- My decision to keep working here is a strategic one. Even if it’s “toxic”, I wouldn’t necessarily want to leave without a good plan in place. I can remind myself that this is something I can “tolerate” with reason.

- Even if work feels intolerable sometimes, at most this seems to happen 1-2 weeks a month. That translates to 25-50% of the time (not a majority). I have evidence that shows that I’ve still survived the intolerable weeks.

- With regards to fear of being fired: past experience suggests that even if I miss a deadline or two, it doesn’t seem to be a hard requirement to stay employed. For many, it’s simply a part of the corporate “culture” - everyone’s overworked and has too much on their plate.

When I can’t stop the thoughts from happening:

- I can change how I regard the thoughts

- Sometimes, our thoughts don’t give us any useful information for the future to begin with. When it comes to anxiety filled moments, often what we’re not able to stand are the thoughts we generate - not the actual lived experiences. We make predictions in our mind without realizing it, and we decide to believe them. Worst case scenario, the predictions may come true - even so, more often than not we learn to manage, and forget to give ourselves credit for it.

- Be realistic about the present, while understanding the evidence of the past.

[symphonyofawesomeness]

[cuteosphere]

Autobiographical ink doodle

[millionsknives]

please make sure that wherever you’re at in life, you don’t treat it like a transitory period. don’t waste your college years wishing to already be graduated & have a job. don’t waste your single years wishing for someone to be in love with. if/when those things come, they will come in due time and they will be good. but there is nothing like looking back and feeling empty because you wasted literal years ignoring what you had because you were hoping for something better. while it’s important to better yourself and reach for your goals, don’t neglect the present because that’s where you are now and it’s your now that determines your future. 

[thecraziethewizard]

Sutro Baths, CA

by Jeremiah Probodanu (IG: @THECRAZIETHEWIZARD)

[nwlsns]

Without fail, every time I think I've experienced the worst day of work ever, another one comes along to take its place in my mind.

It's 2am and I've got a 7:30 meeting.

[obnubilant]

[andantegrazioso-deactivated2018]

[bitletsanddrabbles]

People who are in self quarantine really have no idea how weird it is to be a base level essential worker through this whole thing. I don’t mean a doctor or a nurse or someone else working round the clock to put a stop to it or find a cure. I mean a truck driver or a gas station attendant or a retail clerk. Because everything is basically normal, only a little bit off, and then again not as off as it should be.

Every day I get up. I go to work. I sell people things. There are fewer people coming through and they’re buying more because they’re stocking up or they haven’t been shopping in a month, but there are still lines, like always. There’s plexiglass between the cashiers and the customers, and no dividers, and we have to continually yell at people not to put their items on the belt until we’ve finished the previous transaction, and they ignore us or argue with us, same as always. The more rules we have, the more rules there are for people to ignore. And the longer it goes on, the more normal it gets. Pretty much no one thanks us for coming in to work anymore. People are starting to act like we should never, ever run out of an item. It’s just blanket assumed that we will have hand sanitizer and soap and toilet paper and people are shocked when we say we’re out.  But there are still ads on the TV in the break room telling us all to stay home and the more the customers ignore social distancing, the more management puts pressure on us to set a good example, until we’re expected to follow standards that are physically impossible.

The longer this goes on, the less ‘essential’ I feel.

And then I come home and get online as always and there are all of these people asking what you’re doing while you’re stuck in quarantine and coming up with fun things to do when you’re in quarantine and talking about what you’re going to do when this whole thing is over and you can finally, finally leave your house. Everyone just seems to assume that you, the person reading their words, are in quarantine, because everyone’s in quarantine. It’s like this big, international, universal experience that you’re not a part of.

It feels like fifteen years from now everyone in the world will be looking at each other and asking “Remember what it was like to be cooped up in the house? Wasn’t it awful?” and I’ll just be sitting there going “…….no, I don’t. I didn’t do that.” And people will look at me and wonder how I could not know.

[roach-works]

god, same! i work at a place that manufactures luxury boats. we’re ‘essential’ somehow under a maritime manufacturing loophole. i’ve been back at work since late april and i don’t think there’s been a single night i haven’t woken up from nightmares and i don’t know whether to wish my factory shuts down again so i can go back to quarantine and be safe again or to hope my factory stays open so i can be one of the very, very few dudes i know that’s actually drawing a fucking paycheck while everything folds all around us. 

so yeah, if you’re staying home, you’re saving lives, i’m glad for you. but holy shit does it suck to be on the outside looking in.  

[spidaerman]

To all my black followers and friends, stay safe.

Also, I would like to add that black lives have always mattered, will always matter.

It’s awful that we even have to say that because it should be a given. However, we need to say it loud and clear for the racists.

We cannot be silent. 

[justcatposts]

Smol & cute 

(via)

[square-enix]

i hope this email finds you a broken husk of a man

[viole-n-t]

[bitletsanddrabbles]

People who are in self quarantine really have no idea how weird it is to be a base level essential worker through this whole thing. I don’t mean a doctor or a nurse or someone else working round the clock to put a stop to it or find a cure. I mean a truck driver or a gas station attendant or a retail clerk. Because everything is basically normal, only a little bit off, and then again not as off as it should be.

Every day I get up. I go to work. I sell people things. There are fewer people coming through and they’re buying more because they’re stocking up or they haven’t been shopping in a month, but there are still lines, like always. There’s plexiglass between the cashiers and the customers, and no dividers, and we have to continually yell at people not to put their items on the belt until we’ve finished the previous transaction, and they ignore us or argue with us, same as always. The more rules we have, the more rules there are for people to ignore. And the longer it goes on, the more normal it gets. Pretty much no one thanks us for coming in to work anymore. People are starting to act like we should never, ever run out of an item. It’s just blanket assumed that we will have hand sanitizer and soap and toilet paper and people are shocked when we say we’re out.  But there are still ads on the TV in the break room telling us all to stay home and the more the customers ignore social distancing, the more management puts pressure on us to set a good example, until we’re expected to follow standards that are physically impossible.

The longer this goes on, the less ‘essential’ I feel.

And then I come home and get online as always and there are all of these people asking what you’re doing while you’re stuck in quarantine and coming up with fun things to do when you’re in quarantine and talking about what you’re going to do when this whole thing is over and you can finally, finally leave your house. Everyone just seems to assume that you, the person reading their words, are in quarantine, because everyone’s in quarantine. It’s like this big, international, universal experience that you’re not a part of.

It feels like fifteen years from now everyone in the world will be looking at each other and asking “Remember what it was like to be cooped up in the house? Wasn’t it awful?” and I’ll just be sitting there going “…….no, I don’t. I didn’t do that.” And people will look at me and wonder how I could not know.

[roach-works]

god, same! i work at a place that manufactures luxury boats. we’re ‘essential’ somehow under a maritime manufacturing loophole. i’ve been back at work since late april and i don’t think there’s been a single night i haven’t woken up from nightmares and i don’t know whether to wish my factory shuts down again so i can go back to quarantine and be safe again or to hope my factory stays open so i can be one of the very, very few dudes i know that’s actually drawing a fucking paycheck while everything folds all around us. 

so yeah, if you’re staying home, you’re saving lives, i’m glad for you. but holy shit does it suck to be on the outside looking in.  

[outofreception]

[fitbriii]

[daremna]

Sending so much fucking love to everyone else that's stuck in quarantine and having to face their thoughts and mental health issues with nowhere to run for distraction, I know it might feel suffocating but we're gonna get through it!

[nwlsns]

This is actually really silly. I've been burnt out from work for so many consecutive weeks - months even - and I honestly need a break. I don't really care about money at this point, or the next time I'll actually get to go on a vacation and use my vacation days "wisely". Why should I hesitate toward the need to take care of myself mentally?

Why have I put this off for so long?

Have I been counting on my workplace to create better policies to allow me to take more paid time off? Do I feel so obligated toward my work responsibilities and customers that I shrug off whatever exhaustion I experience, keep my head down, and insist on one day more?

I don't want to think I'm becoming a workaholic because I don't necessarily "love" what I do, or use it as a crutch to escape the real world - but I suspect there to be something really unhealthy that underlies this subconscious feeling that I don't really deserve rest when I need it, or that I shouldn't prioritize taking time off for myself when I am feeling overwhelmed.

Why?