“see how i was doing?” he scoffs out loud, not bothering to mask his pettiness anymore. youngjae’s lips curled in a slight smile –– it was far from genuine, though. his grin was dripping with sarcasm; full of venom, full of regret. for a moment, he contemplated why he even bothered opening the front door, nonetheless let hyelim in at his own discretion. “you’d know the answer better than me, i think. you’re the one who left –– so, how do you think i am? how do you think it’s been for the past three years?” his breaths grow heavier with every syllable, blood rushing to flood his face in red, hot prickles. normally, youngjae wasn’t the type to raise his voice nor lose his cool, but all that was thrown out the window when someone breathed a letter of hyelim’s name. so, having the real person in front of him, looking genuinely distraught over their shared lost love, made the ache in his chest all the more palpable. of course, he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing him completely fall apart, so he breathed a sigh of relief when she hurried off the the bathroom, granting them both time to collect their wits. she memorized where it was? the brief feeling of nostalgia, of yearning for older, simpler times where they’d spend hours watching movies in youngjae’s family room with his parents, evaporated after she shut the door. he stood outside the bathroom, taking deep, steady breaths as he prepared himself to face her once again. adrenaline thrummed through his veins, pumping jolts of energy to his heart, and by the time he heard the doorknob twist open, youngjae’s fervent passion at trying to voice his pain and anger in one big, messy cry of anguish was … extinguished. were those tear stains on her cheek? his hand itched to touch her skin, curious to feel the dampness on his fingertips, but the force of pride kept his arm by his side. before she had the chance to scurry off, however, youngjae took hold of her upper arm, forcing her to meet his eyes as he grit his teeth. “why did you leave me?”
his reaction was understandable. he had every right to be mad at her and part of her was ready to be screamed at in order for him to be happy. “my friends say you’re a curator now. i always knew you’d do something great. i had hoped you would have someone else. you know, the white picket fence and stuff. you’re exactly how i remember you and i know i messed up but trust me when i saw, you were much better without me.” her time in the bathroom gave her enough time to look at herself in the mirror. the deep blue locks, piercings and tattoos were the opposite of what he deserved. he deserved an innocent girl who could cook and enjoyed much more mundane activities. not this. her fingers shook for a cigarette, a habit she gave up weeks ago to gear herself up for this reunion. one thing was for sure. seeing that familiar face, it made her realise how much she still loved him. she was avoiding his eyes to keep from falling apart but he seemed to rectify that. his eyes were filled with rightful anger and hyelim could do nothing but stare as if the answer would come to her. her voice croaked as she finally spoke. “youngjae, look at me. i grew up in an alcoholic’s house where my only worth was to cook dinner and help hide his drugs. you...when i met you, i felt like i had been saved. you came in and everything was hopeful and bright and i finally felt like someone gave a shit about me. a-after awhile, the closer we got and when i realized i loved you, i got scared.” her voice was shaking and silently, she moved his hands off of her. her skin felt like it was on fire and the walls were caving in.
“everything and everyone i have ever loved has done something to hurt me or i fucked something up. my mom died giving birth to me. even in my first breath, i was ruining everything around me. when i left, i was just starting to explore this adventurous side of me. you remember me playing the bass all the time and writing music? i loved that but i knew if i stayed here like i wanted to, i would just ruin you somehow and i wouldn’t be able to escape all the bullshit at home. i mean can you imagine still being with me how i am now? look at me for fuck’s sake. you’re this smart, strong, stable man who deserves the world and i’m the dirt everyone walks on. it was only a matter of time before you saw that or i did something. so i left but i always kept you in mind. you were my beacon of hope that there was still good in the world. you still are. i mean...you should have slammed that door in my face but you let me in. you had every right to scream at me but you didn’t and i came in here like a pest and infected everything. i was never good for you, youngjae.” hyelim was already moving towards her boots and trying to put them on to escape again even with her desperately shaking hands. she needed to run. she couldn’t look him in the eyes. she knew that he must hate her now. she needed to keep the good memories of him. that’s when she made the huge mistake of looking at him from her place on the ground. god, she was still in love with this man. “but don’t ever think that i left because i didn’t love you. i always did and i haven’t stopped.” her voice was but a whisper as she choked back tears that threatened to spill out in front of her as she braced for his reply.
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