Zachary Alti, Psychotherapist & Professor

The views expressed in this blog are those of the author, and though based on various data sources (many of which will be cited when possible), I do not claim that any person or organization shares these interpretations unless expressly stated by...

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Healthy Eating: 7 Veggies You Shouldn't Eat Raw

Fresh vegetables can be a summer favorite, but there are some vegetables that need to be cooked to produce the most health benefit.

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Auticon's Viola Sommer outlines ten ways you can make sure autistic colleagues feel comfortable in the working environment

Many companies are becoming increasingly aware of the vast untapped talent that exists in individuals on the autism spectrum. The linked article offers excellent insights for companies that are trying to welcome autistic individuals into their work environments.

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Healing a Sexless Marriage

By Zachary Alti, LCSW

According to Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, in his new book, Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are, Sexless Marriage is one of the most searched terms in google, so if you are searching this term, you’re not alone.

The truth is that sex thrives on novelty, or as Esther Perel states in her book Mating in Captivity, “excitement is interwoven with uncertainty.” In any long-term relationship, especially long-term monogamous relationships it is natural for sexual desire to wane.

We are programmed to lose interest in what is known and predictable.

Keeping sex alive in a marriage requires the understanding of a few key principles.

1.    A new partner every night

So you have been sleeping with the same person for decades. Have you? We know that every cell in our body is constantly regenerating. Though your new cells follow the “script” determined by your genetic code, there are slight variations, like a new mole, etc.

So in reality we’re sleeping with a physically new partner regardless of how much they resemble the person we married.

We’re not only changing physically but emotionally and psychologically, as experience changes us, we amass new knowledge, and we develop wisdom.

So, you’re not actually having sex with the same person you married, and neither are they.

2.   Efficiency isn’t sexy

So if we’re not having sex with the same person, why do we get into ruts? The answer is scripts. We’ve developed mutually accepted courses of action for initiating, engaging in, and ending sex.

We know the rules and boundaries of the sexual experience with our partner. We follow rules like;

…if she kisses me longer than 2 seconds she may be interested in sex. It is acceptable for me to escalate this by touching her neck…

…I can touch his scrotum and perineum, but not get too close to his anus…

…I can slap her butt once or twice, but not too hard…

…sex ends when he comes…

These scripts give us an efficient way of progressing through a sensitive and complex interpersonal process, but efficiency quickly loses its sex appeal.

3.    Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?

Other partners represent mystery. Mystery or “randomized reward” can be addictive as discovered in B.F. Skinner’s famous “skinner box” experiments. This is the reason that gambling is exciting.

Fantasizing about a co-worker or person on the street is exciting because we haven’t yet experienced the details of being with them. It is this mystery rather than any promise of pleasure that excites us and builds a fantasy of undiscovered pleasure.

If you are looking at and thinking about sexual partners you have not or cannot have, you will inevitably feel dissatisfied, regardless of how sexually fulfilling these fantasies would be in reality. Different does not mean better.

On the other hand, if you spend 5 minutes reflecting on the supportive things your partner has done for you, your attraction to them will increase, and your desire for others will decrease.

4.    Good sex requires attunement

I don’t care if you’re male or female, gay or straight, good sex requires attunement. What better opportunity do you have to become attuned to the intricacies and preferences of another person than in a long-term relationship?

If you’ve been struggling with a sexless marriage, I hope this article has been helpful. If you have any questions, please contact me at [email protected] or visit my website, zacharyalti.com.

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Is My Husband Gay?

By Zachary Alti, LCSW

If you’ve typed this question into Google, you’re not alone. In his new book, Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are, Seth Stephens-Davidowitzdiscusses the shocking prevalence of this question in Google searches.

According to Stephens-Davidowitz, more women search for the question, “Is my husband gay?” than “Is my husband cheating?”

As a New York City-based sex and couples therapist, I believe there are three primary reasons for this worry.

1.  Changing Gender Norms

Traditional definitions of masculinity are changing. Colors and styles restricted to women have now been expanded to include many men. Traditionally feminine pastimes and media are now seen as more gender-neutral.

2.  Lack of Interest in Sex

There are multiple reasons for a lack of interest in sex among couples. One is the rising use of porn and “edging,” which can damper sexual excitement over time.

3. The Kinsey Scale of Sexuality

The Kinsey reports of human sexuality in men and women found that sexual orientation falls on a “scale” or spectrum, rather than binary “straight” and “gay” categories.

Many straight men have experimented sexually with other men (especially as children). A homosexual encounter does not preclude a homosexual preference, just as you can have tasted black pudding and even enjoy black pudding without being a black pudding enthusiast.

Anxiety about women’s perceptions of these experiences can cause many men to feel shame for previous experimentation. Shame inflamesthe taboo associated with the experience, which can fetishize the experience, in-itself causing a desire to replay the encounter.

Men can even develop a notion that they are secretly homosexual because the shame they feel will add intensity to any desires they have, and can confuse them about their own sexuality.

Communication in a relationship is key, but understanding is essential. It will be important to recognize that human sexuality is complex, gender is culturally constructed, and shame inflames.

You may ask your husband if they are gay, and they may tell you they don’t know. If this is the case, find a good sex or couples therapist to help you cut through the haze of culture and shame to identify and understand your sexualities.

If you found this article by googling “Is my husband gay,” I hope you’ve found some answers. This article only scratches the surface of this complex issue.

Zachary Alti is a Sex and Couples Therapist in New York City.

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Interesting concept

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The most recent article I've contributed to

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I, phone

    The way you operate your smart phone says a lot about how you operate your brain. Author Steven Kotler explains in his book Stealing Fire, that your brain operates much like a smart phone.

      Kotler explains that we typically view our minds as operating systems, but that a more accurate analogy would be a User Interface (like a smart phone’s home screen).

      We can choose which functions of our brains to devote computing power to. Like closing apps we aren’t currently using, you may choose to swipe away that anxious thought cycle about Gilberto’s tone in your performance review and instead focus on Mina’s soccer game.

      Like a smart phone, your conscious brain has limited computing power, (about 120 bits of information at any one time.) What you choose to focus on will limit how much you can devote to other tasks.

      Multitasking eats up bits of processing power in the transitions between activities. Better to focus, pivot when necessary, focus, pivot when necessary, rather than to try “multi-tasking.”

      Like a phone, your brain needs to shut down every now and then to run optimally. How often do you shut off your brain?

      In short, read the user manuals, take care of your phone, take care of your self.

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Endo-Cannabinoid Profile: A Crash Course in Anandamide

In this issue of Endocannabinoid Profiles, the properties of anandamide are broken down and the therapeutic benefits are explored. Get to know this endocannabinoid and discover what studies are currently being done to determine its wide variety of medicinal benefits.

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49 Ways to Increase Natural Cannabinoids Without Smoking Pot (including ways that decrease cannabinoids) - Selfhacked

Marijuana is not the only way to activate your cannabinoid system. There are more fundamental and gentle ways that help activate your cannabinoid system and bring you similar benefits. ContentsTop 13 Ways to Increase Cannabinoids Without Smoking Pot1) Stress Reduction2) Omega 6’s3) Exercise4) Dietary Fats5-6) Nicotine or Galantamine7) Fish oil/DHA8) Cold Exposure9) Sun10) Increase Testosterone11) Increase Estradiol12) CBD Oil13) ButyrateOther …

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Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler

Phenomenal exploration of a state known as Ecstasis.

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Why ‘Fine’ Isn’t a Feeling, and Why You Should Care

Humans exhibit three types of communication: superficial, intimate, and behavioral. Enlightenment only comes from one of them.

Interesting article on the importance of genuine communication and emotional awareness. Reminds me of the first chapter in Malcolm Gladwell’s book ‘Outliers’

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What all New Yorkers whine about to their shrinks

Therapists here are listening to the same complaints, visit after visit, from neurotic locals overwhelmed by the demands of life in the city.

An article I've contributed to

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What Bonobos Can Teach Us

Bonobos share 98.7% of our DNA. Physically, they resemble chimpanzees. But something remarkable sets them apart from their primate cousins, making them an al...

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Everything You Wanted To Know About Microdosing

A leading psychedelic researcher explains what's really behind the trend.