Every Time I Do This by Spencer George
We are young, we are
in love. We are swinging on the bench
by the pier. I want nothing
more than this. I know you want it
too. I know that there is a part of you
that has always wanted
it. We don’t always receive the things
we think we deserve.
I know you are hungry. I am
too. I have been
hungry for years. It is more
than physical, more than
longing. This hunger runs bone
deep; unforgiving.
I have been like this for
as long as I can remember. Drenched
in salt, left to cure
in the sun. There are still so many
things wrong, so many wounds
to be closed. We are young, we are
in love. We are lying in the ankle-deep parts
of the ocean, the waves warm and washing
over us. I want to open
my mouth, to swallow the sea
whole. I want to drown alone
in a pool of light. You move your leg
and the wet sand flings up
over our bodies, dusting
them in dirt. When you turn your head to look
at me, there are particles of it between
your teeth, your smile dark
and dirty. I want to press my fingers
to your cheek, want to tell you
about all I know of the world. I want
to tell you this story without you
having to be a part of it.
I want you to exist in this narrative only
as an outsider, as a body lingering for a moment
too long. I want to ask you what happiness
looks like when it’s earned, when it’s
endless. But I can’t, I don’t.
Instead I turn my head away
from you, look over at the other side
of the horizon where the world grows dark
each afternoon. I know
you’re frowning behind me, wondering
why I always do this.
Why, every time, I do this. I know.
I am wondering it too.