i saw the messages. I saw the messages you sent to “S”. I had this gut feeling and it lingered for a long time. I wondered alot about some things. I just thought, I guess we are comfortable. We hit the one year mark. We made it. Really. Really we made it. I saw the text you sent her on October 26th: “come fjck me”, your exact words. She never replied back to you and you still sent her a text again on November 2nd: “why you never reply to me😢”. you’re wondering maybe, “why did i go through your phone?” I don’t think you know this but when women have a gut feeling, majority of the time they’re right about their gut feeling. And in all proven honesty, 99% of the time when i get a gut feeling, i’m always right. it happened with my last ex about certain things, and i guess it happened again.
you would probably think i’m angry. I should’ve been throwing things around. causing a scene. i’m just not that type of person anymore. especially towards someone i truly love. i think how i feel mainly, is that I’m really heartbroken. I’m sad. I’m upset. The insecure person I am, I guess i’m even more insecure. All the questions playing in my head: “did I do something wrong?” “did I not do enough?” “am i not enough?” “am i not this beautiful person he made me out to be for him?” it really hurts right now even writing these questions. it hurts a lot more even having to write this letter. i kept things to myself. I’ve known about this since November 10th. I didn’t say anything because all I can think about is that, “why did i find out before his birthday?”
at first i didn’t know who “s” was. of course i had to find out who exactly she is. and that’s when i realized. it was her. the girl you use to have a fling with right before me. the girl who use to lay in that exact spot i lay in your bed. the only difference was… she couldn’t stay all day in bed with you. she is married. she has a kid. it made sense when i put two and two together. i remember everything you ever told me, even if you forgotten yourself. i remembered. you started saying she was getting lazy at work but no one wanted to fire her because she was friends with the HR. etc.
i have alot of questions and i can barely even say them before choking in my own tears.
what would’ve happened if she had replied back?
what would’ve happened if she had actually came to the house?
did you think of me at all when you sent that first text?
and did you think of me at all when you sent the second one?
it’s just..it’s really crazy.. how.. you were trying to get someone else, unavailable, to come over… when you have someone who wants all of you and your entire being. every single last part of you. all of you. everything.
then it made me think. what part of me did you not want? was there a part of me that she can give you but i couldn’t..? did you only wanted bits and pieces of me and not all of me?
i’m so confused and it’s so crazy. whether i tell you this and confront you in a week, a month, a year, etc. i’m confused that i’m losing myself over this. i hate myself over this but i still love you. i’m literally going crazy that how confusing are you to tell me that you wanted a whole life with me. a house, a bunch of animals, maybe kids, a future. but you did this.
majority of me still wants to be with you and that’s the crazy thing. this letter isn’t even a goodbye or we’re over. a part of me wants you to say “i’ll change.”, “i’m sorry”, “i won’t do it again.” i wanted to be stronger after this, i want to be able to work it out and talk about things with you after this.
i’m so numbed cause i’ve cried so much the last few days. i barely can eat, i can barely sleep. i feel so broken. i was nauseous. my stomach hurt so bad, my chest was getting so tight i couldn’t breathe. when i found out, i lied to you saying i was nauseous or getting sick. i lied. i couldn’t be around you. but i loved you so much and yearned for your love that i stayed around with you. i wanted to be with you on your special day. i wanted to still treat you well despite what you did. i loved you so much even if i was hurting. i cared about you being happy even if i wasn’t at that moment.
people would wonder, “why would you want to give him a second chance?” honestly. if i was in your situation, i would want a second chance. knowing i made a mistake. knowing that i messed up and i wanted to turn back a time that i couldn’t. people make mistakes, i do believe that and i always have. it’s always been a good trait and a bad trait of mine. i’m too forgiving of a person even if i haven’t forgotten.
i guess i’m on the other side of the playfield where i’m not the one hurting someone but instead someone hurt me.
i don’t really know how i feel at the moment. i’ve got so much going on in life. you were my peace, and my love. and tbh my happiness. we’ve been through so much and for it to go down like this?
a million things is happening in my head. idk if you are going to just scream at me because of the fact i went through your phone. or actually talk to me normal and we can discuss this.
i just want to know why you couldn’t talk to me about your needs being met. what i wasn’t doing for you that i could’ve done. my hands are so shaky even just reading and typing all of this. and it hurts even more that despite all of this, i really do love you still. what happened to all the love letters and all the promises. what happened to everything you’ve said in the wordpress journals and all the notes? was it a lie? was it to chase me? was it to reel me in? you got the girl and now you’re over it? i’m confusing and hurting myself just even thinking about everything and it hurts so bad i can’t even breathe.
jacobvanloon
dededos
dailybridgerton
theartofmadeline
origamiaround
ellievsbear
romaincrisis
blakekathryn
