Intentional Oblivescence

Expression in the face of my tendencies to let go, a way to heal the heart.

[obmutescent]

And some days my knees are met with the urge to break before bending.

A staunch refusal to make the weight on my shoulders any lighter to bear.

Made of tin and echoing hollow, they ache.

Simply out of apathy,

"It's what we're used to" they tell me.

Slowly I convince them, step by step,

WD-40 in hand.

"We're growing"

And to change, we must bend.

Become branches twisting up and down,

Searching for the light.

We must bend,

Not break.

[obmutescent]

Fear

How do you tell someone you've got such a fear of being alone that you perpetuate it by making yourself alone first?

That I am so terrified of loneliness that I make myself lonely?

That I avoid connection because it hurts when it's lost?

That I want someone to ask if I'm doing okay, because most often I am not?

I want a me, someone who reads bodies like minds and is comforted easily by small gestures.

I want to be grateful but instead I am afraid, even small rejections cause me deep sadness.

I am more sensitive than I project.

I yearn for those who are close to me and make me feel safe, but I haven't learned how to separate self from the need of being understood and appreciated.

It's painful because I do not want to become numb, but sometimes the hurt is just so much.

It's so easily explainable, abandonment issues from childhood trauma, fear of speaking of feelings or asking for needs to be met due to past ridicule and rejection of self.

Solution?

More therapy, more self-work definitely, more support by reading up on tools that will help me grow.

But in the meantime it aches.

Learning aches, growing aches, loving aches.

And I am so afraid.

And I want to be brave.

[obmutescent]

And the headlines say we’re ending again

Another mercurial yet diaphanous cycle.

Everytime the world ends,

it goes something like this.

Society proves it is

nothing but a receptacle;

another mercurial yet

diaphanous cycle.

We become nothing more than

another article,

when disaster strikes we sheep to slaughter

look for bliss.

Another mercurial yet diaphanous cycle.

Everytime the world ends it goes something like

this.

[obmutescent]

When my nails leave crescents in my palms,

And my teeth grind down my jaw,

The only ointment is the sky,

And a kiss.

[obmutescent]

When I walk into a room,

I want to be a constellation,

for just a moment.

After,

you can look away.

So that I can,

breathe again.

[obmutescent]

Will you let me down softly?

I love the feel of your hands in my hair.

The tender way you moved against me.

Please, will you let me down softly?

[obmutescent]

Energy coming off of me in waves

Do I want to be strong, or do I want to be fluid?

I hate how I can't seem to make these two work together.

World, please treat me kindly.

My anxieties may cause me to unwind.

[obmutescent]

Sometimes hard feelings are unavoidable.

Use them.

Drag them through the mud and propogate the Earth.

Change and grow.

[obmutescent]

Can I sing you a lullaby after we dismantle the system?

About holding each other close,

and caring for one another when we can't touch.

It will be full of tones of sorrow,

notes of unbridled rage.

But the melodies of joy and hope,

that I'll get to sing to you

A handsbreadth away,

will help you sleep so sweetly

[obmutescent]

Morning after

The sun doesn't rise easily

It just

Rises

And goes on

 I exist

And go on

Without you too

Even when I don't want to

The sky tells me

It'll be okay

But the waves of universe crashing against my shores are just so

Heavy

[obmutescent]

We parted ways at 2:09 pm today, 3 weeks and 6 min from when I got my first wisdom tooth pulled.

We held hands all the time.

Now I can't feel you in my space,

even though you're in my heart.

You called me darling,

I loved you for it.

It'll be a long time

before that changes.

And I know it has to.

This is a natural occurrence

and we have to.

Change,

that is.

I miss you,

and it's lonely,

I bet you feel the same.

That doesn't change that we,

at least what we were,

are over.

And the feeling of your hand in mine,

is another ghost

that haunts me quietly.

[obmutescent]

How did that song go again?

At one point I thought life had become culmination and I knew what I was doing but then I laid under a sky with no light pollution and knew I deserved to see the stars

[obmutescent]

SUMMARY

At these points I become condensation

Condensed

I ooze down the side of your glass before you take a sip

Fizzing flavor

I pop

[obmutescent]

How deep are mugs really?

I didn't know that I could smell rain better than a shark can smell blood

Maybe that's why today 

I felt so nostalgic looking up at grey skies

Maybe that's why getting paper cuts and dreaming of being gnawed on by snakes doesn't make me shiver the same way it used to

The smell of rain is more real to my senses

To the organ that is skin

I taste the urge to flee

The desire to lay down and feel the heat of the dirt as my skin chills from dripping water

The sky tastes good

I'm drinking it in

[obmutescent]

On fluctuation, on welcome noise

There's a silence that pervades this space

When I'm alone

I hear the refrigerator humming, the fan blows steadily, 

they don't make human noises, they don’t sound like heartbeats

Notice how sanitary and structured it is around me

A regulated cold

Lacking the warmth of noise and horns and laughter, the smells of incense and dirt and food

The smells of life

And I wish on that big bright sun partially hidden by clouds

That I had someone else to be alone next to

I know I only have to wait

But today my heartbeat is a little lonelier

[obmutescent]

Narcissist Lite™

It's so subtle that maybe you don't even know

That everyone has to like you

That you're always trying your hardest

That no one else puts in as much effort as you

That no one else listens

(Except that person they're pretty cool)

That everyone fits into moulds and they can't change

That your opinion is the highest opinion

That your perception is perfect

That "let's be real" that can't be true

That "let's be honest here" that's obviously how it is

That you've got patience coming out of your ears

That you're willing to apologize after I have to leave the conversation and come back

That being angry at you is unreasonable unless I can fight for why it really is valid

Lite™ 

Lemme tell you I appreciate you

For just being Lite™ 

The sun doesn't shine out of your ass

but you're alright, my Lite™

[obmutescent]

If mindfulness studies are proving the uselessness of meditation outside of spiritual practice, then doesn't that prove that something to believe in, community, and mutual support in those communities is what actually removes stress, builds compassion, empathy and altruism, and lowers aggression and prejudice? It's building ethics together that makes us stronger as people. Perhaps not religion, but thinking together and problem solving together and offering support is one of the only ways we'll be able to fix society together. Departing into individualistic self-care all the time will just distance us from asking for and offering help. So how do we learn greater empathy and altruism together?