when i was a kid i had a fish and after a year it died. but i refused to tell my parents it died til, i fuck u not, it started to decay. i kept my dead fish a secret until finally my dad noticed and very gently informed me she’d died. i knew. i just couldn’t let her go.
i would Not let my parents flush her down the toilet. i begged them to let me bury her in the backyard. but when my dad went to pour out the water in her tank, she moved. like, she shifted with the water. remember she was literally decaying. visible bones. i sobbed that she was ALIVE. i could not let that fish go.
my cat i’ve had for 12 years is dying. but every time she has a good moment. when she’s lying on my chest and purring. when she’s sleeping. the few times she nibbles some food. i swear she’s going to get better. it’s almost like i can’t see the massive tumor eating her leg and rib cage.
maybe she’ll get better (the vet says she won’t). maybe i’m giving up too soon (i’ve already held on to her a month longer than the vet said i should). maybe she doesn’t want to die yet (she barely eats).