remember when you said you hate that you want me?
i hate that i want you too. i hate it because i can't have you.
remember when you held my hand and told me you were happy with me?
i've never been dependent on anyone when it came to my personal happiness. i knew how to be content. but in that moment, i wanted to tell you that i was happy with you too. it was a different kind of happy. and i hate it because i can't have you.
remember, on your birthday, when you pulled me close and wrapped your arms around me, and told me you missed me?
i wanted to tell you how much i missed you too. but i couldn't. because if i acknowledged that i missed you, it would mean that you meant more to me than i'd want to admit. i'd be admitting that i think about you a lot. and i hate it. i hate that i miss you every day because i can't have you.
and finally reality set in. you have her. and she has you. you were never mine to begin with but it felt like you were. the stolen kisses, the way you held my hand, even the way you held me in your arms. the late night drives, the time you spent teaching me how to ride a bike, that day you told me to change out of my pajamas for ice cream, the way you tried to keep me warm when it rained for hours in the fair. i wished you were mine to keep. i wished you were mine to hold.
i've never been with someone who i can be fully comfortable with. being with you... it felt safe. you once said i deserved better. i don't need better, i want enough. and you were enough.
maybe you were right. maybe things would have been different if i told you i liked you. but even if i did, would you have chosen me? i don't have confidence that you will ever choose me.
and i hate it. i hate that the heavens only gave me a taste of what it would be like to be with you.
i miss you. i really do. and i still want you.