Tidal Heartbeat

21, Student, Oregon

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

So I really want to write about you a lot and will do so as things pop into my head, and I have to do it here since you are following my main blog

But I miss you already and I am still so confused and I will have to take some kind of solace in the fact that there was something you couldn’t say that you had to express somehow, that even if you won’t admit it, there was something there, something reckless and sloppy and drunk, even if you can’t own up to it when you’re sober. 

I’m glad we are friends. 

“I’m glad I met you.” 

“see you in Oregon.”

We pinky promised. 

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I think it maybe means a lot

that I never wrote a single damn poem about you

I think it maybe says a lot about your character

that you're the only ex

I don't give a fuck if I never see again

I don't really know what those three months were

I don't really know who you are

I have to see you to give you your shit

I have to smile and act like we are good

Because you Manipulated me into talking

and saying a lot I did not want to say

In order to find closure

So I have to smile and act like we are good

I can't throw your shit at you

Or let my resentment fly out of my body

in the form of a kick to the knee

a slap to the face

for the weeks of joy you stole from me

from the mountain of guilt you propped on my collapsing collar bones

the sleepless nights and tear filled train rides

This is the first and last I ever write about you

Unless it is to further reflect on all that I learned

in Dragging myself away from your toxic fingers

I will never be someone's medicine again

I am a person

I am not a security Blanket

I will never be so desperate for love and to be loved

to fuck someone who hates all of my friends

hates everyone but me

hates things that are more Me than you will ever understand

things like Joy, Optimism, Resistance, and Resilience, Empathy

The things you hate in people

(everyone but me, right)

and look down at them for

are more important to me than you could ever be

I am not magic

I cannot fix you

I cannot remove the hate in your blood

I may spend years removing your poison from my heart

body

the most intimate corners of my mind

I'm scared that I will get home and smell you on my sheets

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I'm scared of the nightly numbness 

I keep finding myself here

alone in bed

alone in my head

and craving

a feeling

an escape

power

over my mind and body

sometimes I drink about it

sometimes I smoke about it

but I sure wish I could fuck about it

I am a whirlwind of unexplored emotions 

and unexpressed urges

I am staring at the world

from the bottom of a swimming pool

distant and muffled and so bright and shining

so vivid and so unreachable

maybe I am drowning

maybe I have forgotten how to swim

but I am stuck down here

in this suffocating sadness

in this body

that misses a loving touch

yearns for that cosmic connection

that fumbling euphoria

maybe then I could breach the surface

breathe the air

feel the world again with someone

if only for a night

instead of this nightly numbness

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

the amount of energy that I dedicate to forgetting about you is insurmountable and I am so stupid

who the fuck do you think you are

no, you've done nothing wrong

who the fuck do I think you are?

someone get me out

some break this off of me

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

It's past 1 am now

I'm sprawled across the bed

kicked off sheets and blankets

it's too hot

I bury my face in the pillow

think about my dog

and let out a choked cry

no tears

just a rip through my chest

washed away by waves of apathy

just be nothing

it's too hot

I am tired of feeling this

I crave the winter cold

my precious dog

bundling beneath the covers

candles burning bright

maybe even snow

and maybe

your arms around me

it's too hot

I forgot how to cry

I want to turn it all off

I want to sleep in peace

I want to feel nothing

because this something is too much 

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

Saturday night

I thought I might die

cold and scared and confused

spinning and shaking

too fast but so slow

and like high beams in the dead of night

all I could see was you

the light so bright

the linoleum so cold

my breathing so heavy

and I realized calling you

or even speaking

was impossible

could this be it?

is this how it feels to shut down

and never try to get up?

sleep was the only escape

sleep and dream after terrible dream

sleep could bring no dream sweet enough

to erase that brief awareness

of waving hello to death 

or the knot in my throat

stopping me from telling you

goodbye 

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I didn't plan on kissing you ever again

I didn't plan on scaring you with the things we could feel

I didn't plan on getting drunk with you that night

even if I might have planned on what happened as a result

I didn't plan on it happening again

I didn't plan on being anyone's girlfriend

I didn't plan on beach trips and weekend get aways

I didn't plan on you falling for me

And I didn't plan on falling for you

We didn't plan on the distance

I didn't plan on feeling too much

or on you not feeling enough

I didn't plan on loving you

I am planning on figuring this out

I am planning on believing in myself

believing that I am enough

I am planning on being okay again

I am planning on being happy by myself again

I'm not planning on anything else

I've learned that shit just happens

whether you plan for it or not

But I know that I will love you

as a friend or maybe more

You told me once

that you still love all the people you've loved

that love doesn't just go away

So I will love you 

the way I know the sun will rise each day

as simply as I know how to breathe

I know that I will love you

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I am full of fears tonight

and always

fear of the future

and ultimately

the unknown

no one can ever guarantee

anything

every encounter

with acquaintances

friends

family

loved ones

could be the last

the last touch

the last kiss

so when I seem frantic and frightened

insisting that you drive safe

it's because I fear that future

where something goes horribly wrong

and you're gone

or I'm gone

so I'm clingy and aggressively affectionate

because every hug

every "I love you"

could be the last 

so I hug a little tighter

kiss a little longer

stare a little deeper

I am afraid of taking moments for granted

I am afraid of death and what comes after

and I am afraid of the pain of losing you

because loving you is already it's own beautiful, unbearable pain

I never want to regret the way I treat someone

the last time I see them

I never want my soul to sing

anything but love

in case it's the last song you hear from me

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I turn off the lights and slither into bed

feel the goosebumps rise on my legs as they touch the cold

lonesome sheets.

my back aches with the memories 

I spent the day dislocating.

the stars are bright tonight 

and I am at peace.

I am alone

and a maybe little sad.

but you exist.

my soul stretches up into the sky 

I leave my body for a moment

float over the cascades

if only I could hold you for a minute.

"if you're loved by someone you're never rejected

decide what to be, and go be it".

I am proud to go and be and decide what that means

just knowing that I am loved

is more than enough.

this bed is too big

the room is too cold

but now there is a light

to break through that mundane melancholy

and it's you.

thank you for being you.

see you soon.

my head might be full of doubts

but this road is full of promise.

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I was going to write something about love

and how I am good at hurting myself

and my fears of never getting to feel love the way I am wanting to feel it

and then I realized I know absolutely nothing about love.

All I know is I feel, constantly. Strongly. Relentlessly. Overflowing.

Alone.

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I don't think anything feels better than having someone you really love and care about and trust tell you how much they love and care about and trust you.

I can feel a beautiful friendship coming on, you already mean so much to me. We got so close so fast, but I don't think I'd have gotten through this without you. Couldn't be more excited to live with you next year.

"This is why I'm so excited to live with you. If we're ever sad, we can just go to each others rooms, flop down on the bed and cry for hours."

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I am realizing how long it has been since I have written, and how much I have been ignoring that primal voice that I used to so often spill onto pages or keyboards. I am aching for when I could once paint my heart into words without feeling the fear or the insecurity I am feeling now. And that is really my problem, I think. Insecurity. About everything. About school. About what I want to do with my future. About who I want to be and how I want to survive in this mad world. Who I want to love and who I want to allow to love me. I got a boy's number last night. And though he is shy and let me sit in a way that made our bodies brush all evening, I am too scared. Too convinced he couldn't be interested in someone like me. Maybe my optimism has been slowly strangled by self doubt and by the succession of people I have not been able to keep at my side. The feeling that I am a problem keeps creeping in. Friends keep reminding me that it's not my fault and that nothing's wrong with me, but at what point, after how many failures, do I have to admit that I am part of my own destruction? That I am somehow insufficient and always will be? I am writing to try to clear my head and instead I am diving deeper into the places I should not entertain. Who would miss me? Who would regret the way they've treated me? Who would love me if I were gone? This is a scary place to find myself running off too, but I know nothing will come of it. I'm too much of a coward. Too scared even to escape from it all. Because our pain does not exist in a vacuum, and ending one struggle would only create greater pain for others. I know that. But I am curious. If I could do it, just to see what happens, and then go back in time and live life with the knowledge of how my absence would affect people, maybe things would be different. I don't know. It's all useless. I just want to feel good enough. For my dreams and desires, for my friends and family, for that shy cute boy, and for everyone I ever have a chance to be vulnerable. I am tired of holding back in fear of revealing my imperfections. I want to show someone all of it. And see that it will be okay.

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I saw you again today.

Maybe it was in the rain, and the oh-so-pungent petrichor (a word you taught me) that overwhelmed the senses

Maybe it was in that coffee shop, talking about Japan

talking about my need to meet you

about how angry I am with you

about my physical need to tell you

I love you

And then I was swept off

I stopped seeing my friend

stopped hearing her words

I was gone

I saw myself picking you up at the airport. It was raining then too, of course. I drove you around in my car from back home. We drove straight to the ocean, screaming to Jimmy Eat World the whole way there. It was dark by the time we got there. And cold. The images get too specific here. My hair is long again, which scares me. How long will it be until we're here? We get out of the car, slam the doors, the noise made more shocking as the wind pushes the doors shut with extra enthusiasm. And the only sound is the wind, the ocean, the waves. We sit on the hood of my car. And I stare out into the abyss, the ocean, mother nature herself, my first true love. And I keep staring, and I smile, and I sigh, and I feel the vague presence of your warmth beside me, very specifically to my left. And I felt that weird subconscious touch of your gaze upon my face. And I ignore it at first. It was too hard to tear away from the ocean. And too scary to see what might be looking back at me. There was just too much leading up to this moment. I just wanted to enjoy it. I didn't want to think about what would happen next. We were finally physically beside each other, as living, breathing, human beings, in the presence of the ocean that once separated us. And you were staring at me. So I took a deep breath, and I turned my head, to see you staring at me with the most confusing look on your face. Your eyes looked confused, almost angry, but your mouth curled up in one corner. I couldn't speak. You weren't looking me in the eyes. Just tracing my face, like you were trying to solve a riddle. And I inhaled to say something, to ask, I don't even know, just to get you to look me in the eye, and the sound of my breath did just that: our eyes locked and I forgot how to breathe again, and then you smiled, and your eyes lowered to my lips, and you moved closer

and then I was back in that coffee shop talking to that friend and listening to that downpour and it took all I had not to burst, then and there.

[writingsforwinter]

Your daughter thinks she is ugly.

Thinks her breasts are swollen to the point of ripe fruit

and no one will ever get lost in the forest between her legs.

She doesn’t understand that the blood coming from inside her

is war paint or that there is an entire universe spinning in her belly.

She...

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I remember crying over you, and I don't mean like a couple of tears and I'm blue. I'm talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon, but I'm a better man for having gone through it. Yes, I'm a better man for having gone through.

I remember collapsing into my best friend's lap and sobbing

gasping for air

for you

I remember aching and yearning and drowning

for you

I remember sitting at my computer and waiting hours and hours

for you

I remember losing sleep the majority of my senior year of high school

for you

I remember feeling like I would never get over you

and now

it's not that I'm over you

it's that I'm over the idea of you

you are the second person

I've ever truly and utterly 

loved

and I love you

I do

but I used to love

the idea of you

until you proved that the real you

is a narcissistic piece of shit

the illusion has been shattered

I need to replace it with your reality

I love you

but my tolerance is fading

I shouldn't have to tolerate

someone who barely even exists

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

this routine is getting tired

and this tide of tension 

is yet to recede.

if anything, 

it's growing.

you're not a person I would want

to date

to love

but to kiss

to ignite

all the pent up sass and flirtation.

I saw you tonight

behind your smile and snark.

I saw concern in your eyes.

perhaps some compassion.

let's tear down these walls

careful jabs

awkward smiles.

I would give anything to see

the look on your irritating face

after I push you against the wall

and kiss that stupid smirk away.

[oceans-inside-us-blog]

I don't want to be sitting at home drinking beer. I want to be out in the cold, shivering, moving closer to you for warmth, looking up at the stars. I want to stop worrying and caring about the consequences about my tiniest actions. I want to take a risk and do something stupid and feel the sweet fallout of pain. I want to text you. Fuck, I want to call you. Pretend I'm drunk, show you how much it hurts when all you do is call me when you're drunk. I want to stab a knife into your ear and twist until I reach your heart like you did to me. But I won't be telling you I miss you. No, I'd rather tell you how furious I am with you. How I used to love you but now I want to remove you, like a beautiful addiction, resulting in a tumor. You are my nicotine, and I quit. I want to be driving around on back roads with dangerous boys who think they're too cool, think they're in charge. I want snow. I want ice. I want bitter danger. I want to touch somebody. I want icy cold hands, touching me. That cool before the burn. I want to kiss my lipstick all over some poor saps face, let him think I love him while he thinks he's pulling a fast one on some poor girl. I want to ruin something. I want to be reckless. I want to destroy and watch the world burn while I laugh and cry and feel something.