“For me, six years ago I was on a TV show. My co-star and I both got sick at the same time with the same illness and had different treatments. He was allowed to go on leave for a month and I had to continue working. There was a smokescreen of me getting my own episode titled “Mama.” By the end of that episode, I started to fall apart.
They shut down production for two weeks because I got sick. They sent in lots of doctors, and I had daily checkups to make sure I was actually sick because they had to get the production going. Every doctor said I wasn’t doing well and that I needed to rest. That is not what they wanted to hear.
What happened after that?
“It took five years to undo those three years. I’ve been putting pieces of myself back together and healing from all the antibiotics and the antiviral steroids as well as the things that happened in that environment. I never wanted to think about this until the resentment and bitterness was out of my system.
A lot of corporations are saying lovely things right now, but it doesn’t always go well when black people speak up and ask questions. We can face weaponized denial and obliviousness.
Sometimes I think that some people I was working with didn’t like that I was unwell but loved by the audience. I would think they’d support that. But everyone of color on that show was seen as expendable and eventually let go.
I tried to get work afterwards and people were like, “We heard you were difficult.” But no one can say I was late or unprofessional or negative.”
If you’re black, speaking on your own behalf is considered a problem. But suppressing your feelings isn’t good for your health.
“We honor the rebellion as the American Revolution, but rebels of any other hue will not do. One of the things it affected was my thyroid. I couldn’t talk last month. That part of my body shut down. I refuse to let the system continue to stop me from breathing and speaking. But a lot of people of color struggle with that.
I’m very well and wiser now. Sometimes things would happen on set or in the story line and there was the whole “Abbie deserves better” insurrection that happened online. I was like, “How do people know? I haven’t said anything.” I’ve always felt the love.
That’s what I love about social media. You have all kinds of people speaking the truth. And we all know it.”
You took some time after “Sleepy Hollow” to rebuild. Many black women don’t feel they can.
“I recognize how fortunate I am. So much that happens in our communities can make us ill, angry, depressed. Maybe this pandemic gave us time to ask ourselves: “Where am I? Who am I?” That’s why these uprisings are happening.
When I was on that show, I was working so hard to please people and be accepted. I had to be exceptional. I worked myself to the bone 16 to 18 hours a day thinking that it was going to make a difference on my body. We shouldn’t have to die in the process of having a decent life.”
What brings you joy these days?
“Fresh air, grass, walking barefoot outside and healthy food. Being in Georgia near family and seeing the resilience and what’s emerging.
It’s nice to know that everyone’s doing what they can to push the needle. I looked up what turquoise means, and it enhances courage, love and expression of will. I hope we all start communicating without fear until that is typical reality.”
Nicole Beharie, via Candice Frederick for The New York Times
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