Tears of Love and Vigor
Summary: Dan was in an accident and after trauma to the brain he has amnesia. (p.s. ignore the title I am literally just trash but if you know what it's from then I applaud you) Warnings: amnesia (not sure if that needs a warning? I'll put it anyway) angst (*gasp*) not much else this is relatively mild and kind of fluffy (well like the end is fluffy) Word count: a little over 3k
.....
A month.
A month ago everything was fine until-
A month ago Dan got hit by a car.
A month ago Phil had cried outside the ICU because apparently 'boyfriend of six years still doesn't make you family.' So instead of going in and seeing his boyfriend in what could have been his last moments, Phil was forced to wait for Dan's family to arrive, so he could tell them what happened and they could go see Dan.
A month ago Phil learned that Dan was in a coma that he may never wake up from. After that he was allowed to see Dan whenever he wanted.
A month ago Phil had to break the news to the fans that Dan was in a coma and they weren't sure when he was going to wake up, or if he even would.
A month ago both Dan and Phil all but disappeared from the internet.
But now, now Dan was awake. For the first time in a month Dan's eyes were open and alert. When Dan had first woken up Phil had been asleep at his side; though he soon woke up to Dan's crowning voice, "Ex-excuse m-me. Excu-use m-me."
Phil had woken up and stared wide and teary-eyed at his boyfriend who he feared he would never get the chance to talk to again. "Dan. Dan, oh my god Dan. I was so worried. I didn't- oh my god. You're awake. You- you're awake."
With each happy word and tear that escaped Phil, Dan had only looked more scared and confused. "D-do I know you?"
With those words Phil's world came crashing down around him. The words the doctors kept saying to him over and over again crashing around in his head.
He suffered severe head trauma, so even if he does wake up there's no saying what the effects will be, or if there will be any lasting effect. Just keep in mind that if he comes to he might not be exactly himself. After all amnesia is common in people who have suffered this much trauma.
He never believed them, because how could it happen? How could Dan ever forget him.
When Phil has finally gathered his wits enough to respond he says, "I- uh- yeah- um I'm- I'm your- your best friend. I'm your best friend."
He doesn't entirely know why he didn't tell Dan what he really was to him. Maybe because he thought it would hurt more.
"I- I'm sorry. I don't- I don't remember. I'm sorry."
God knows it already hurt enough.
.....
During the following weeks Phil along with Dan's family (who he remembered) helped to fill in the holes in Dan's memory (which seemed to be the last six years of his life). It was difficult and tedious work as Dan had a never ending stream of questions and everyone wanted to make sure to tell him everything they could remember.
Throughout it all the most unbearable thing was the awkward silences that seemed to haunt Phil whenever he and Dan were alone. Never before had they had silences like these, even when they had first started skyping. The conversation between the two had always been flowing and the silences always held a sense of comfort. With this 'new' Dan however Phil didn't quite no how to act.
Dan and Phil had grown together and their relationship had flourished, but now it was as if Phil had gone on the journey alone. Dan was stuck in the time where their relationship was soft and gentle, not wanting to break the fragile bonds they had created. Phil was where the 'old' Dan had left him; completely in love, and knowing more about Dan than he knew about himself.
So Phil didn't know what to do. The Dan that knew him was gone. The Dan that was here hardly knew anything about Phil. The Dan here only knew Phil as a friend, his supposed best friend.
Despite this Phil didn't stop trying. Even if it seemed that part of Dan was missing, he was still Dan and Phil loved him more than anyone. So Phil trudged onward, trying to help Dan as best as he could whilst constantly feeling as if he were drowning in a sea of helplessness.
.....
It had been three days since Dan had been discharged from the hospital, and Phil still wasn't used to the 'new' Dan. It was unnerving to see Dan wandering around the flat in awe of almost everything he saw. It seemed as though ever since Dan had first entered their flat the vague look of amazement had yet to leave his face.
When Dan had first entered the lounge he had looked around the room slack-jawed. "I live here?"
Phil had flinched slightly at his wording; it had been a long time since they had used 'mine' and 'I' in exchange for 'ours' and 'we'. But he had ignored the slight sting that came with Dan's words, instead he had smiled and nodded.
The next days were filled with encounters similar to the first; Dan questioning about his life and Phil taking each question with a tight-lipped smile. Phil felt that with each question the knife stuck in his chest was pushed deeper and deeper. Yet, Phil never told him to stop asking, after all how were you supposed to tell your amnesiac best friend/boyfriend to stop asking about the life he hardly remembered? So, Phil continued to answer Dan's questions, because while they hurt him, they help Dan. Despite wanting to help Dan however Phil took solace in the time he spent alone. So when Phil woke up before Dan on the fourth day Phil decided to let him sleep; anime and breakfast tradition be damned.
Phil slouched into the kitchen and started the coffee, before pulling out a bowl and cereal from the cupboards. After breakfast was ready Phil headed to the lounge. When Phil sat down he looked to his right and felt a pang at the empty spot where Dan was supposed to be; where Dan could be. Even as Phil contemplated getting Dan though, the dread of his question kept Phil seated.
About halfway through the first episode of Attack on Titan, as Phil still couldn't bring himself to watch a new anime with Dan, Dan walked into the lounge. "Hey," he said through a yawn. "You didn't wake me up."
When he says that Phil feels his heart leap in his chest. Then Dan sees what's playing on the TV and asks, "What are you watching?" and Phil's heart sinks back down to his feet.
Phil clears his throat quickly and plasters a smile onto his face, "Um yeah. This is, uh, nothing. There's coffee in the kitchen." Phil feels as if the tense awkward air after his jumble of words is choking him.
Dan narrowed his eyes at him before nodding his head and heading out the door. Phil sighed and put his head in his hands. It's okay, he told himself. It'll get better; it's okay. He ran his hands through his hair before picking up his empty bowl and mug and bringing them into the kitchen.
"We're out of cereal," Dan greets when Phil enters.
Phil sighs, "I'll go get some later."
"No. No that's okay you don't have to."
Phil laughed, "Dan it's fine. I've been shopping before. I'll be fine."
Dan looked down, his cheeks turning slightly red as he mumbled something out that Phil couldn't understand. "What was that?"
"I just. I don't want to be alone is all." Dan says, rubbing the back of his neck with red stained cheeks.
Phil smiled, "You could always come with me."
Dan looked up, biting his lip, "Are you sure? I mean I wouldn't want to be a bother," he said gesturing towards his right arm, which was wrapped in a cast.
Phil winces, sometimes he forgets that the car took more than Dan's memories. "No, no it's alright. You a wouldn't be a bother. Besides it might help you know. Getting out of the house. It might trigger something."
"Yeah," Dan mummers.
Phil silently curses himself. Its been two weeks since Dan woke up and yet he still seems to say things that upset him. "Yeah. Great. So we'll leave in about an hour so we can both get ready. Sound good?"
"Yeah, great." With that Dan leaves the kitchen breaking the awkward tension flooding the kitchen. Phil lets out a breath, slumps against the counter, and rubs his forehead. He felt like he was being drained slowly and soon enough he wouldn't have it in him to move. He lets out a bitter laugh; he never thought he'd lose Dan to anything but death itself.
.....
A little over an hour later and Dan and Phil are heading out the door and to the closest Tesco.
The journey there is rather uneventful, other than asking a few questions; So do I have a car? No, we walk everywhere. Do I go out a lot? Not really, no. Unless there's an event to go to. So then I really am internet famous? Over five million subscribers. Wow I never thought I would actually get the courage to start. Do you know what made me decide to do it? Me.
The last one had made Phil pause for a second as memories of when they had first met flooded through him. Some of his favorite memories. Memories Dan couldn't recall. Phil took a deep breath and tried to speak around the lump forming in his throat. By the time he had managed to choke out a response they had arrived, "We're here," he said quickly before Dan could respond.
With fake smiles plastered into their faces they walked inside and headed towards the cereal aisle.
A few minutes later and they were walking out of the shop, bags with cereal in their hands.
About half way home they come across a Starbucks and decide to stop for coffee. They are sitting in silence sipping their drinks when they hear a gasp and a squeal come from the front of the shop. When they turned their heads towards the sound they saw two people heading towards them.
When the two reached Dan and Phil, the boy was the first to speak, "Um, hi, you're Dan and Phil right?"
Dan's eyes had gone wide and he looked towards Phil. Phil smiled softly before turning towards the two, "Yeah, would you like a picture or something?"
The girl nodded quickly before saying, "And we just wanted to make sure Dan is okay. I mean with everything that's happened, we just want to know how you're doing."
Phil smiled and said, "It's not perfect, but it's getting better."
Dan smiled and nodded along, "Y-yeah, everything's getting better."
The two smiled ("Good" "I'm glad you're doing okay"). Before they left Dan and Phil gave them hugs and took pictures with them.
After they had left Dan had slumped down in his seat looking both confused and amazed. "Does that happen to me a lot?"
Phil nodded his head, "Yeah, like I said over five million subscribers."
"I know, I know, but I just- I dunno- I guess I just didn't really think they would care that much."
Phil smiled, "Yeah. They can be a bit," he paused for a moment, searching for a word, "eccentric at times, but they love u- you. They love you Dan, you make them happy."
Dan stared at him with an unreadable expression, before busting out into a huge grin. Phil smiled back, and for the first time that day it was entirely genuine.
.....
Later that night Dan and Phil were say in the lounge watching Attack on Titan (Can we watch what you were watching earlier today? It looked interesting.) The last of the pizza was being eaten and the third episode was coming to an end. When the ending song started Phil stood up and turned off the TV. "I think that's enough for now."
Dan groaned, causing Phil to laugh. "We can some more in the morning, don't worry."
Dan smiled at that. "Well, goodnight then, Dan. I think I'm going to go to bed."
As Phil was walking out the room Dan's voice rang out, "Phil. Can you- can I talk to you first? Please."
Phil sighed before turning around and looking at Dan. He smiled softly before saying, "Of course."
Dan pats the couch next to him, motioning for Phil to sit next to him. Phil obliged, crossing the room and sitting next to Dan. After a moment of silence Phil spoke up, "Do what did you want to talk about?"
Dan looked up at him, his eyes full of worry, "I just wanted to- to ask if you were okay. It's just you've seemed a bit down lately, and I just, well I've been watching your videos to try and- and get to know you again, and I- I haven't seen you smile like you do in those videos, not really. So I just want to make sure you're okay because you're always asking about me and dealing with my questions and- I'm sorry. I just can't stand the idea of you being sad, and I don't even know why, but I can't. I just want you to be okay."
Dan's little speech hit Phil like a punch to the gut. The urge to pull Dan in and kiss him was strong; Phil had to look away. Phil attempted a smile, "I'm fine."
But he wasn't, and the crack in his voice gave him away.
The cracks had appeared in the foundation and now Phil was crumbling. The tears he had been holding into since Dan woke up were pouring down his face. He tried to keep the sobs from wracking through his body; he failed miserably. As he shook he was vaguely aware of arms wrapping around his waist. Phil leaned into him taking strength from the comfort of the arms he had missed so.
"Shh. Shh. It's okay Phil. It's okay. I've got you. I'm here." Dan consolences only made him sob harder.
After a few minutes Phil pulled away from Dan and wiped at his eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't- I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Phil." At Dan's words Phil looked up into deep brown eyes. "I wasn't the only one to lose something. I lost my memories, but you lost your best friend. It's okay to be sad."
Phil shook his head,"No, I didn't lose you. You're still here. You're still Dan. You're still my best friend." You're still the person I fell in love with.
Dan sighed, "Even so, that doesn't change the fact that I don't remember you." Dan words were like a knife to Phil. "I don't remember you Phil. I don't remember you, so even if I am still me, I'm not your best friend. But I have no doubt that you are mine. I have no doubt that you know me like the back of your hand; even this version of me. So, considering you are the best friend of someone who can't even remember your favourite colour, I'd say you have a right to be sad."
Phil let out a choked laugh. This, he thought. This is what I've been missing. This is what I've been needing. Dan. Finally Dan being Dan.
"God I love you."
With those four words both Dan and Phil look taken aback. Phil curses himself, the 'I've missed you' he was going to say had transformed on it's journey from his brain to the open air.
"I- I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm s- hmph." Phil's apologising was cut off by Dan's lips crashing into his.
After the initial shock wore off, Phil started kissing back. It was soft and sweet and everything Phil had been missing these past weeks.
A few more seconds passed before Dan pulled away, resting his forehead on Phil's. They were both smiling the widest they had in the past three weeks.
"You- Not that I'm about to complain, but why did you do that?" Phil question after a moment.
Dan looked down sheepishly, "Well as it turns out certain things didn't entirely disappear."
Phil furrowed his brow. "What do you mean."
"Well," Dan started, backing away and lacing his fingers through Phil's. "I've just been getting this sense like something's missing. That and I've been wanting to kiss you and hold your hand since I woke up, which was quite scary at first, as I had no idea who you were. And these last couple days have been even worse. Sleeping in my own bed felt wrong, but as soon as I was in your room I was at peace. When I would see you in the kitchen making dinner I just wanted to walk up behind you and wrap my arms around you; I actually almost did once before I stopped myself.
"And what I said earlier today, it's not just that I didn't want to be alone, it's that I didn't want to be without you. Every time you leave my side I want you back. And seeing you smile made my heart soar, and hearing your morning voice made it skip a beat.
"And I was just so confused as to why the hell I would feel like that about my best friend." Dan said accusingly. "But I suppose that's all cleared up now."
Phil huffed out a laugh, "Yeah sorry about that. I don't know. I guess I just thought it was hard enough being your best friend that you had forgotten, let alone your boyfriend."
Dan rolled his eyes, "I guess I'll forgive you this time, but I swear to god if you something like this again-"
Phil cut Dan off with a laugh, "I love you and all, but I don't exactly plan on us having to go through this again."
Dan smiled, "I guess that's for the best."
Phil nodded his head, and stood up from the couch, pulling Dan up with him. "C'mon let's go to bed, yeah?"
Dan smiled and let Phil drag him to their room. After getting ready for bed the two plopped down next to each other, and cuddled.
"You know, I still don't remember much about the last six years," Dan whispered into the quiet of the room.
"I know," Phil replied. "But until it comes back, no matter how long it takes, this will be enough. We will be enough, and we always will be."
In response Dan leaned forward and pressed his lips against Phil's.
They didn't say anything else that night, the soft, sleepy kisses and the shared smiles were enough to fill the silence.
