howdy

Call me Dera. 28 y/o. My work is my life. No DNI, if I don't FW you I don't FW you. I block minors.

[fifthredguys]

You think you know a guy (myself) and then you find out you're not a girlguy but instead a guygirl whats with that huh. What kind of fuckin reverse engineering happened there

[ohbandera]

I feel like a lot of healing from trauma is avoiding chewing off the rest of your legs after you've already gnawed free of the bear trap. Thinking that you'll never get hurt again if you don't have limbs.

[ohbandera]

Some memories of home

There was a guy in university who would stalk and harass the women on campus. He'd often corner them and demand creepy things of them- like that they leave their boyfriends because he wanted to be their friend. Major incel type guy. I once caught him cornering a girl in the library and stepped in. I pretended to know her and to be her friend, and he recognized me (because I'd told him to GTFO before) and got pissed & left. I offered the girl my phone # and said if she needed help again to call or text me. We left the interaction at that, and I went on with my day.

I was super proud of myself. I don't tolerate abuse- especially not in public settings- so I was excited that I stood up for my morals and tried to help. I told my mom about the interaction, and I remember feeling so deflated when her reply was "She probably thought you were some weirdo trying to get with her because you gave her your number." I couldn't imagine saying that to my kid after she did something good, man. Wtf >:'DD

Another memory. I was sick as a dog with chronic lymes disease during the height of the pandemic and decided I couldn't travel. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't keeping food down properly, and was dropping weight like crazy. (She joked that she wanted lymes so that she could also lose weight that quickly. Dad outright told me that I was faking it, despite the symptoms and heavy dose of antibiotics I was on.) They had to cancel my plane ticket- which I felt bad about. When they got back, mom said not once, but twice that she told her side of the family that "I was done with them." I remember the smile on her face as she said it.

I later told her that I felt like I didn't belong in the family. She told me it was all in my head.

I once was eating a bowl of ice cream (finally found a brand that I could keep down on the antibiotics,) and it was in one of those tiny single serve cups. Both my parents chided me for eating "too much" and that if I kept at it, I'd be wearing a gastric bag in no time. I'd lost sixteen pounds in about a month because I was so ill.

They said and did all of this right in front of my husband. It was so normal and acceptable to them that they didn't think to even hide it. They adored him, and treated him like he was a golden child during the six months he lived with us. Little do they know he was the one who got me out of there.

[ohbandera]

Some family estrangement thoughts under the cut

Since properly cutting the cord from my mom I feel like I am no longer afraid of people attacking me over innocuous things. My worst fear used to be having my intentions misunderstood or warped, that people knew about some evil thing in me that I couldn't quite see. I realized that when someone gives you grief about something innocent, it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

Don't ever internalize it when people twist your words into something that perpetuates their own warped self-perception. They aren't particularly good people, just bullies. I've gone my whole life afraid that I'm a predator or an abuser, this evil bad no good person who needs to be kept on a strict moral leash at all times. That constant monitoring turned into OCD.

Abusers will project their own reality onto you. Learning how to look critically at your own actions versus theirs will help break the spell. I was accused of being a predator or s*x pest from a very young age. Completely innocuous things were warped into something grotesque. That was only the surface of our odd, toxic codependency.

When I let her go, I didn't feel sadness. I did feel some guilt for the rupture of our already tenuous relationship, but that was the extent of it. I feel... secure in myself. This is my life, and I will no longer go through it feeling like an alien. I didn't even cry.

I am so proud of myself for how I've come. Thank god I got out. It ends with me, and nobody will take my sense of self away again. If you've estranged yourself from your family, just know that you're not alone. You got out. I'm proud of you.

[peachfromcmbyn]

People on Tumblr love sharing information about themselves no matter how asinine it is. And I'm the same way. Everybody tell me what the last thing you drank was.

[squidlife-crisis]

DEMIURGE - the need to be seen.

how to be seen? The Aesthetic is irresistible. Nothing is more important than style. Bodies are irrelevant. He can be anything. He always looks different, but he's unmistakable. Slippery bastard, hiding in plain sight all our life. begging to be seen. begging to be known.

I love you, pain in the ass, I love you.

[jesterlesbian]

you have to remember it's always always worse on twitter

[ohbandera]

Also adding to my previous spicy post by saying the worst thing you can do as a survivor of abuse is perpetuate it my man. You gotta break the cycle. You gotta.

[ohbandera]

Can't tell if my standards for human interaction are too high or what but like I am chronically turned off by the "Asshole who abuses people but is kinda cunty about it so they get a pass" characters. Can't stand those mfs personally. I feel like 75% of tumblr sexymen would be on my blocklist if they were real people.

I get they're relatable and appealing because they act that way because of trauma, but I dunno. Coming from a situation where traumatized people inflicted a lifetime of pain upon others instead of getting help, it's not like the cutest thing in the world to me.

Not saying anyone's bad for liking or relating to these types of characters. They're fictional and everyone relates to art differently. I'm mostly just wondering if there's other estranged kids out there grimacing at this trope whenever it pops up in media.

[sailermoon]

I WISH IT HAD ALL BEEN DIFFERENT!!!!!

[sailermoon]

but then who would i be

[orteil42]

given the current climate this pride especially i feel i must mention that i love my trans friends, i stand with trans people in the fight against transphobic legislation and those who would enforce it, and this blog is not a good place for you to be if you do not vibe with that

[lizlemondyke]

as it gets warmer let's all remember the two most beautiful accessories a girl can have this summer are hairy legs and a bunch of bruises from bangin around

[dajo42]

need a polite way to say "im not engaging in a discussion on this topic with you because the conclusions you have reached are based on so many interwoven layers of misconceptions it would be easier to just like, hard reset your whole brain, just start over as a baby and try again"

[but-the-desserts-were-okay]

[dutchster]

one of my favorite hobbies is not being a parent

[naturalpr3y]

My understanders will Understand me

[naturalpr3y]

and As Such . My misinterpreters will Misinterpret me . The price for speaking my truth .

[ohbandera]

how it feels having my refs and profile updated and ready a month before artfight even starts