Untitled

[ohcassiopea]

XO

“Do you smoke?”

“I used to.”

“Hmmm I would ask if you want one but–”

“What is it like?”

“To smoke?”

“No, to be left by the one you love.”

He smiled. That was not the kind of question you get from a stranger you just met outside a bar at two in the morning. Or is it? He isn’t really sure. He can’t even remember the last time he went out. But the cold breeze tells him there is nothing wrong in answering this stranger’s question. He will probably never see her again after tonight, anyway.

“It hurts. A lot. And this isn’t a metaphor. Heck, metaphors would have been easier to deal with. But this pain I’m dealing with - it destructs me, kills me, more than what cigarettes do to your body. You know the pain in the chest that poets write about? That one is true. Your heart will feel like it’s being crushed into pieces.”

He paused and looked at her. She seemed to be waiting for more.

“The thing about smoking is that there are few minutes of relief, right? With her leaving me, there is none of that. None of the few minutes of the calmness in your chest, none of the beauty of seeing clouds of smoke in front of you. When she told me she no longer loves me and every day after that, I wake up wishing I die instead. Even just thinking about her hurts, you know. At least with smoking, you die happy.”

“I don’t care about your smoking references. C'mon, tell me.”

“Why are you so curious anyway?”

At this point, she took a cigarette from his hand, lit it and smoked.

“Hey, that’s mine!”, he chuckled. “Are you always this forward with people?”

“I’m sorry. I just - I’m just curious”, she paused.

“I have dated guys before but I never had that, the love that you refer to. And I’m kind of envious of you. Maybe it didn’t turn out well but I don’t think love is entirely different with smoking. I imagine love to be better than anything else to begin with.”

He looked at her intently. She was biting her lip.

“You compare it with smoking only because you reckoned this from the time she left when you should have looked at it from the time you met her. That was when you first lit the cigarette: you knew the possibility of death and everything shitty disease you might get, but you lit it anyway. Same goes for love - unless you are one of those romantic bullshit who thinks that every person they happened to click with will turn out to be the one they marry. Love is a gamble no one pushed you to play, it is a risk you willingly took for yourself. And the relief? The relief are the good times you two shared. Don’t tell me there is none, there has to be lots of good times before the downfall right? This is why you cannot liken love with anything else because metaphors are, as you said, simply not enough. Besides, it is only because you two broke up that smoking becomes a relevant metaphor. I bet you wouldn’t use something destructive as smoking if things ended well between you and–”

“Sam”, he answered.

Neither of them spoke a word for a minute. She just stood there, trying to finish the beer she has been holding for awhile now while he lit another cigarette.

“I don’t think I got your name. I’m Daryll, by the way.”

She smiled and shook his hand, “Tanya.”

[thnkfilm]

“You have to struggle with yourself. You have to struggle with your own strength.”

To The Wonder (2012) dir. Terrence Malick

[ohcassiopea]

I'm not sure what I did to deserve this but Lord, thank you for surrounding me with people who love and care for me so much. Yesterday was a reminder of how blessed I am, of how generous You have been to me, despite the challenges. I can't believe I'm 22 already!

[ohcassiopea]

Day 04

People say that pessimists handle problems better because they have long accepted that things are bound to go wrong and optimists, on the other hand, find it very hard to accept that mishaps are normal. What they fail to realize is that when optimists reach the bottom, they struggle to find their way up, trusting that things will get better and mishaps are opportunities to learn; pessimists, unfortunately, dwell down on the problem longer with hopes crushed and the will to fight lost.

Day 4 and the pain still lingers. In fact, I think I am becoming more depressed.

I am not saying that I am giving up though. All I am saying is that it is going to take a little longer for me to accept what happened with my Persons class. My friends keep telling me the same thing over and over and I know that all their advices are right. I guess you really can't reason out with a crushed soul.

For the first time in my life, I admit that I might need a little saving here. 

[ohcassiopea]

"Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly." Failing is a part of life. But don't let it tie you down. I know you are wallowing in despair right now, but you must keep fighting. My dear Robin. My Zireael. You must keep on flying. There are greater heights yet to be unseen.

Easier said than done, really. God knows I have been trying to pull myself together pero I just can't do it, it is impossible to deal with this pain. Thank you for the concern though. I guess I no longer need to personally share to you my Persons result. Remember when you asked me to update you about my grade for this particular subject? Unfortunately, there, bagsak. But who knows - give it a few more cries, depression and anger, I might feel a little bit better.

[ohcassiopea]

73

I’m not sure how to write this one. I have not even started saying anything yet but my tears are already very eager to pour, my hands trembling, the pain in my chest is slowly consuming me once more.

Please, unless you genuinely care, stop reading this right now. This is the lowest point in my life so far and I would not want a stranger dwell on my sorrow. I know that this blog is for the world to see but please let this one be an exemption - grant me some privacy for tonight - because the thing is, I failed my Persons and Family Relations. And I want to write about it for the slim chance that this will ease the burden.

Yesterday my blockmate shared that our professor already released our grades and as much as I was nervous to open my account, I wanted as well to see the fruits of one cruel semester under one of the most followed lawyers in the country on social media. I did not even hesitate checking my grades immediately.

That was a terrible mistake for my part.

I immediately noticed the “failed” remark. I had to relog countless of times, ignoring the futility of what I was doing, just to make sure I was seeing the right grade.

After six or more tries, I just had to stop.

I did fail. I did get a 73.

It took less than three seconds to see the results my sleepless nights of studying, memorizing the provisions of the family code and anticipating quizzes and recitation. It took less than three seconds to realize that I will never get to the dean’s list that I have been secretly working so hard for, even the scholastic awards I was ambitiously hoping to offer my parents someday. It took less than three seconds to feel shitty about making my parents suffer so much for a failing grade, for thinking I am special and can achieve great things if I just give it my all - no Tanya, the world is cruel and you were the biggest fool to think that people will give you what you think you think you deserve. Stupid. Putang inang tanga.

My friends have been trying to console me and I am very grateful for it but I would be lying if I say that I am okay or that I am slowly going to move forward. I see a lot of emotional breakdowns ahead, to be honest. This is not going to be easy.

How does one pick herself up after realizing that whatever efforts you put in, your fate still lies on the hand of your professors? That no matter what you do, the world just cannot go the way you pray it would? That all your sacrifices are insignificant to someone else? Why even bother studying, right? I might as well stop now since there is a possibility that I would not be in this school next year.

Lord, I have never felt this cheated and helpless in my entire life. I want to trust in Your plans but no matter how hard I try to see this in a different light, my soul and will is just so crushed. I do not know where to go from here, how to pick myself up, what to tell my parents. I cannot even focus on my lessons for tomorrow and considering that the final examination is fast approaching makes me feel even more afraid.

Someday I hope I realize the reason for this pathetic point in my law school life but for now, let me dwell on this agony.

[thnkfilm]

“I mean the good news is you’re feeling stuff. You know? And you got to hold onto that.”

Boyhood (2014) dir. Richard Linklater

[ohcassiopea]

Robin

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be just like every other normal girl: the one they write stories and songs about; the type who gets casted in every Nicholas Sparks movie franchise; the sentimental one often chasing over the wrong guys, only to get their heart broken into several pieces in the end.

Do not be fooled though. I know how to love and I have loved too well for the past few years. The difference between I and the girl in sunny, floral dress is that I do not place my heart on my sleeves, wager around things uncertain and painful and optimistically let the feeling solve every crises I see along the way. I can and will let go.

At a very young age I witnessed how letting your feelings get the best of you lead to series of bitterness, arguments and vicious cycles of loving and getting hurt. I barely even started having serious crushes when I swore to myself that I will never let love ruin me or control me in any way, that being a martyr or a hopeless romantic is plain stupidity and that sticking it out til the very end when you know it is becoming painful is the worst decision you can ever make for yourself in the long run.

It is for these very reasons that I find marriage scary, if not totally absurd, because the sanctity of the institution compels you to fight it out together with your husband, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. I am not sure I can do that.

During the last meeting for our Seminar 2 class, our instructor shared how his mom and dad had some issues regarding fidelity on the early years of their marriage. Just like my parents, his own decided to stick together and overcome these problems for him and his siblings. I immediately recalled how mom would have the urge to leave dad whenever they fought badly but would recant at the last minute and tell us the same reason the parents of my instructor had: she does not want us to grow up without a father, she is going to be with dad for us.

I hated it. I hated having my mom compromise just because she has no choice but to have to make it work. I hated being one of the reasons why she and tatay had to endure the sufferings they had to go through. While it is true that my parents are relatively stable today, the picture of my mom sobbing with her eyes red and her pillow drenched in tears is still very vivid to my memory up til now. My father has had his fair share of disappointment and heartaches as well but he hid it better over few bottles of beer and late nights outside our home. The bottomline is, at some point, I saw that they were both very miserable with their lives.

Perhaps many children would really want their parents to reconcile but I was always the one wishing they would get separated instead as it was more painful for me to watch them hurting each other together than living their lives apart. Besides, it affected us eitherway having to grow up in such a depressing cycle.

Thus my vow to never letting love precede over reason.

I know this is probably a little bit soon to say since I do not see myself getting serious with anyone anytime soon but the next person I fall in love with must be willing to accept that I am probably never going to change anymore. I will never be the girl who will chase after you, beg you stay or even throw you sweet gestures here and there just to win you back. I will love you truthfully and will be loyal and as sweet as I can be but please do not take it as an invitation to control me or hurt me because I will leave as soon as I know that I have to. Okay fine, maybe I will give it two or three more tries before really deciding to leave, depending on how much faith I will have in what we have.

Make me love you and I will be yours wholeheartedly. I will probably even cook and write cheesy essays for you. But please never make me choose though because if it comes to a point that I will have to pick between you, my family or dreams, sorry darling but I will let you go.

Never take me for granted as well. No one deserves that.

And when it is all finally over, I will leave a hollow so vast you will despise but symphatize with me at the same time because of how borderline bipolar I will treat you: some days I will try to reason with you and let you see where I am coming from, then some days I will just ignore you altogether or even bitch about what went wrong. I will leave you confused and hurt enough to make you doubt whether you ever knew me or not.

I am not a person worth your time so leave me be, and trust me when I tell you that there will always be countless of better girlfriends out there.

Kapal ng mukha pero iba nalang please. Wag ako.

[ohcassiopea]

Entitled

I was not in Tacloban when Yolanda happened, I was not even home yet, but I have relatives and friends who were unfortunate to have witnessed such devastating calamity - unfortunate because they had to go through something so horrifying but on the other hand, I guess they were so blessed as well to have survived and be given the chance to start over when that storm surge indiscriminately took away thousands of lives. Few months after that, I went back to the province for the first time after my semester in UP Baguio ended and was so disheartened by the state of Tacloban when I arrived: the air was filled with stench I cannot even fully describe, the soil was dark and filled with bits and pieces of garbages, there were infrastructures you can barely call a house, tents and make-shift comfort rooms were scattered everywhere. The city was basically torn into pieces.

And now months after the nightmare, a presidential candidate boasts of his accomplishments in order to secure the votes of the public by highlighting his so-claimed heroic aid to the people of Tacloban during Yolanda in every debates he attends to. What is even worse is that his supporters, or so he denies spearheading the publication, decided to write a comic book glorifying these claimed acts and this presidetiable lauds its supposed accuracy.

If you are truly sensitive to the plight of the victims, how can you even fathom to boast of the help you supposedly gave to Tacloban when it is your job in the first place as the DILG secretary? How can you take advantage of such heartbreaking incident as a campaign propaganda for the national elections to work on your favor?

In the first place, how can you even mention Yolanda when the victims themselves, at least the people from Tacloban that I know, despise the slow and inefficient rehabilatition programs (or lack thereof) of our own government after the storm surge hit the province? Even reports from CNN blatantly mentioned how problematic were the coordination and control of our government in response to the disaster.

But there you are, drawing whichever cards can work in your favor just because you need it. The way you frequently use the storm surge in Presidential debates must have irked a lot of victims I know. You burden them with statistics when the reality they face is far from the numbers you claim. But well good luck to you and your plans - I will be looking forward to the number of votes that the people of Tacloban and the rest of the provinces hit by Yolanda, who are supposedly very appreciative and thankful for your heroism, will be giving you this election.

[ohcassiopea]

Cats or dogs?

Dogs, of course.

[ohcassiopea]

Attempt on adult-ing at eight in the mornin

I’m turning twenty-two next month, can you believe that?

When I was younger the idea of aging was something I was really looking forward to. I hated how young kids such as I had to take a siesta after eating lunch when they allow my sister to do whatever she wanted to do; I hated being forced to take countless of vitamins which just taste so bad; I hated being denied of the chance to sit at the adult table and discuss things with my parents; I hated having my fair fixed, my clothes designated, my back being showered with Johnson’s baby powder on days when I wanted to go outside and play with the other kids. I was just so eager to grow up.

But now that I’m turning twenty-two, and over the past few years that I have been trying my best to act like an adult, there are times when I wish I can skip the need to be mature and responsible.

Our society today puts us in a lot of pressure to have our lives figured out: where to see yourself in a few years, what job do you want and how well does it pay, are you still single, where are you going this summer, etc. etc. The standards are remarkably high especially when people feel like you ought to be doing something grand while at the peak of your youth so much so that doing something less than what they expect make you mundane, uninteresting or even helpless.

Of course, the best way to settle this problem is to actually deliver the expectations of the society not to please anyone but simply because you can. Some people are lucky at this having already figured out their lives as young as twenty then just constantly becoming the adults that they want to be. The problem lies then when you do not even know what to do yet or in my case, it is taking you a little bit longer to reach the potentiality that you have set out for yourself - putting it negatively, how do you not crack at the pressures of being and acting like an adult?

I wish I can help you answer that but I am just in the same dilemma as you are. I have been trying to memorize twenty seven provisions for tomorrow over coffee in a room with messy bed sheets, leftover donuts and some dirty dishes by the sink. The last person you ought to be hearing life changing advice from is me. Hehe.

But you see, another way to look at my situation is that you - whoever you are, whatever you are doing right now - are not alone. The crises that you are going through is not something that you should be keeping to yourself because just as how clueless I am with what to do, I am very much interested as well in hearing your stories, like being a party in a role-playing game of how-to-adult or how-to-not-screw-up-in-life. Talk to your friends or siblings, even to your parents if you are comfortable with opening up to them.

Sure. Maybe it is desirable to have our lives figured out already by this point but it does not mean that not having that grand vacation to Europe by 23 or six-figure starting salary makes you less of a successful individual. We have to go back and look at ourselves on the inside: have you been a good person lately, are you wasting time hating on and envying people, when was the last time you gave yourself a pat on the back and rest more than you think you deserve, are you at least trying to find something that you are passionate about? These are questions which do not require affirmation by whatever standards and pressures that the universe is trying to put on you. These are some questions that you should actually be dealing with because it is very personal - since the idea of what success is should be personal in the first place. Having a timeline helps you set your path but a little deviation from it would not hurt you or damage you in any way. Take little steps. Breathe. Then conquer at your pace.

Okay. Aral na ko ulit.

[ohcassiopea]

1H goes to Mt. Maculot, Cuenca, Batangas

[ohcassiopea]

In six years, hopefully

My blockmate and I spent the afternoon at the library, trying to catch up with the hectic Thursday schedule of Oblicon and Consti II. After unpacking my books, cases and notes, he asked a question that I was not even a bit ready to answer: what are your plans after graduation?

I stuttered and paused for so many times before I told him that I wanted to work for the government, which is true, but which is actually very vague - I mean, hello the government is pretty huge. The desire to work for the latter is largely because I have not even given back a cent to the money of the taxpayers who shouldered part of my fees when I was still studying in UP. But I know that answer is not enough to incite a decent discussion on my law career so I told him that I just want to litigate, appear in court, and that was just about it. He, on the other hand, shared that he is considering accepting an offer in a firm which specializes in labor cases. I was in awe but mostly embarrased on how detailed and informed he is on the profession itself when I barely even realized that labor is an option for lawyers to specialize. Maybe having a lawyer for a mom and a background accountancy probably helped him but it is not an excuse for me to delay considering what do I want to do after hopefully passing the bar and taking my oath as a lawyer.

Which leads me to tonight’s question: where do I see myself in six years?

I want to mention first that I will be 28 years old by then, hopefully practicing for two years already. To be honest, being a woman is a huge ordeal for law students because apart from the need to build up a career after four or five years of gruesome education - the biological setup of women are timers of some sort: the later you conceive a child, should you want one, the harder it gets; do not even get me started on finding that elusive, clichéd Mr. Right in the first place. Ay, this world is tough.

I feel like I am leading you nowhere so let me keep it short; I guess what I am trying to say is that after law school, I might need to rush into so many life decisions, more than just deciding my career. I am actually thankful that my friend pointed that out to me since I was losing sight of the bigger picture because of short term problems I had to face everyday. How surprised and clueless I was just show how I need to think about the life ahead of me more often especially since the only constant person that I held onto for so many years is no longer going to be a part of what is ahead.

In six years, I want to work either for or as a government prosecutor, or be an associate in a reputable private firm. I want to appear in court rebutting arguments and crafting my own, I want to take probono cases, I want to see myself in pencil skirts and dark hues. Cheesy but I want to help bring justice to people even to those who already gave up on our judicial system today.

On the other hand, in six years I hope I am helping my parents send my siblings to school. I hope in some way I can finally repay my parents for all the sacrfices they had to take just to support me in this. And I hope I would never have to miss any family event or gathering for some serious commitment.

I also want to be good friends already with someone I will want to marry after another one or two years. I want to travel a lot, read books with strange plots, appreciate liberal arts and music. I want to swim in different beaches, dance in good tunes, meet people from farway places. And I swear I am getting a tattoo.

I am cutting this short because it is close to midnight and daydreaming has to stop  - my unread cases are waiting for me. I hope whatever is in store for me in the future be worth the sleepless nights and sufferings I am going to go through.

Ad astra per aspera.

[ohcassiopea]

Sidetrip

Nakakapanlumo palang umastang bulag sa tuwing napapadaan ka sa kalsadang hinihigaan ng mag-ina o matandang walang matulugan. Yung gusto mo namang tumulong, pero gipit ka rin kasi, kaya aasta ka nalang na para bang walang nakita o walang narinig na iyak ng sanggol na nagrereklamo sa gutom.

Minsan naiisip ko kung ano kaya ang pakiramdam na tratuhing non-existent, invisible, minsan pa nga'y itinataboy. Ano kaya ang pakiramdam na umasa sa kabaitan ng tao para makakain at mabuhay sa araw-araw?

Nagdodorm ako sa may España. Dahil lagi akong ginagabi mula law school, pagkauwi ko sakay ng tricycle, napapadaan ako sa gilid ng kalsada kung saan naglalatag ang iba ng tutulugan nila. Isang beses pa nga ay may nadaanan akong matandang lalaki na nagsasalin ng isang pakete ng Lucky Me! noodles sa maliit styro cup na may lamang tubig. Sa totoo lang, at maaring ikasasama to ng loob mo, nagpapasalamat ako sa mga eksenang nadadatnan ko sa gabi. Hindi dahil medyo nakakaangat ako sa iba, di dahil hindi ko kailangang pagdaanan yung mga problema nila, pero nagpapasalamat ako dahil pinapaalala sakin ng mga tao sa kalsada na may mas malaki pang mundo sa labas ng silid-aralan: hindi ko dapat masyadong dinadamdam yung recit kong kinulang, o yung mga kasong kailangan kong basahin sa gabi, o yung buhok kong halos malagas na sa stress.

Minsan kasi napakadaling makonsumo sa sarili mong mundo, napakadaling maging makasarili; minsan sa kaka-recit mo eh nagiging mala-bato na damdamin mo. Sa bawat irap ng propesor, sa bawat batas at legal maxims na hindi mo makabisado, sa taong iniwan mo o nang-iiwan sayo dahil kulang na ang atensyon na kaya mong ibigay sa kanila, napaka-normal na maging indifferent sa mga bagay na di konektado sa batas.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing mababaw ang mga problemang pinagdadaanan ng law students, pangarap natin yan eh, kaya pinipilit nating ibuhos lahat ng atensyon natin. Pero gusto kong mag-aral nang di nakakalimot lumingon sa lipunang ginagalawan kasi balang araw, tayo na rin ang magdidikta sa takbo ng lipunan.

Kaya tuwing gabi, habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa dorm o tuwing pinapasok ni mamang driver yung tricycle mga eskinitang shortcut niya para iwas trapik, pinipilit kong itaga sa utak ko yung imahe na nakikita ko. Lalo kasing lumalakas yung drive ko na balang araw - maging abogado man ako o hindi - pwede akong tumulong; balang araw, makalabas lang akong buhay sa paaralang to, ako na mismo ang mag-aabot ng maliit biyaya sa mga kamay na nag-aantay.

Sa mga nadadaanan ko, pagpasensyahan niyo na muna ako sa ngayon. Minsan nakakapagbigay, madalas hindi. Pero di bale, hindi ko man kayo matulungan ngayon, siguro after four or five years, hindi ko na kailangan magbulag-bulagan.

[ohcassiopea]

This is how I want to remember you

I guess it’s about time I write about what happened between us.

No, this isn’t going to be a heart-wrenching story of two individuals who decided to end their relationship when everyone else insisted that they were meant for each other. This is not going to be one of those letters where I angrily blame you for everything, despise all the men in the world for being such a douche, and vow to an eternal promise of never loving again – that is not how I want to remember you; that is not how I will remember us.

I want to remember you for who you are and who you were to me. I want to remember you as the man who patiently took care of me for more than a week after I caught measles, preparing my food and making sure I take my medicine on time, risking your own health for hugging me despite my objections.  I want to remember you as the man who went to my place in Scout Barrio late at night, sobbing, asking for forgiveness after we had our first huge fight. I want to remember you as the man who I went to night markets with, the man I visited local bookstores with, the man I went to art museums with, the man I celebrated every Panagbenga with. I want to remember how your family accepted me, how I loved them so much as well, and how thankful I am for ‘earning’ another family I knew I could rely onto.

Cedric, you were such a good boyfriend and I probably have lost sight of it most of the time. The years that we have been together were so beautiful and real that perhaps the changes that we had to take were not something we were ready to face. We used to be each other’s comfort zone, being the kids we were, so when it was time we had to start seeking our dreams we both got lost and confused.

For the last time, I’m sorry. I guess the core of all the problems which led to our breakup was truly because of me, because I got so engrossed chasing my dreams, fearful of disappointing the people relying on me, that I took you for granted. There is no more point in trying to explain my side because the bottom line is, as much as I have tried my best to, nagkulang ako. Nagkulang akong ipadama kung gano kita kamahal, nakalimot sa lahat ng pinagdaanan nating magkasama; sumuko, umayaw, bumitaw. I admit all the mistakes you pointed at that I kept shunning the day we broke up and I truly understand and respect the decisions that went with it afterwards.

They say that the saddest thing in the world is when two people who love each other so much lose sight of that love, give up, and decide to end it. But you know what they missed? They forgot that loving another does not always entail owning them, or being with them; they forgot how love conquering everything is sometimes just an empty cliché – because I could have chased you and asked you back but the truth is, my circumstances right now cannot handle the commitment that you deserve.

I do not want you to compromise and forgive me for every dates I cancel, every messages I cannot send, every anniversaries I will have to miss because of some serious commitment. I do not want you to hate me every time you feel like I am becoming a different person, someone foreign and odd to you. I do not want you to see me burst into tears every time I crack down with all the weight on my shoulder. I do not want you to take all the anger and frustrations that I have and carry them with you. And most importantly, I do not want you to feel unloved and uncared for.  You don’t deserve that.

You deserve to be loved day and night, endlessly and tirelessly. You deserve to have someone willing to skip anything important just to see you when you feel down. You deserve to be looked at like you are the only thing in the world that matters. You deserve someone who will hold your hand so tightly, someone will never let go, even if it things become painful. They say that such kind of love is childish and all people have to grow up at some point but believe me, you are still too young to settle.

I want you to be happy so I am letting you go.

Cedric, I will remember our more than four years of being together as one of the happiest years of my life and I hope that you do as well. I hope that whatever life brings you, you will look back into that time when someone like me came into your life and it will make you smile. Thank you so much for loving me, my teddy bear.

[ohcassiopea]

Will you wait for someone you truly love but sadly had to let go because of more important priorities in life?

Waiting is not something I am good at, really. It’s difficult to fixate on something out of my control so I tend to just go along with whatever life throws at me. But you know, I believe in fate. If it’s meant to be, the future will find a way to make it happen.

[ohcassiopea]

53rd

It is our 53rd monthsary today, me and the boyfriend, so I thought I’ll blog about relationships, long distance relationships in particular. Having met during our college years, it was inevitable that we will have to go through a lot of changes including, of course, living in different cities.

I never imagined myself agreeing with this kind of set-up, but well here I am.

The idea of not seeing each other as often as we could was not something I was ready to commit myself into from the beginning. Long distance relationships, in my opinion before, are relationships grounded on the idea of love but not of love itself; basically a relationship of illusions and fraud. Cedric hated my cynicism and often mentioned that just like his parents, who are working as well in different cities, what we have is greater than the distance separating us and it should not in any way be a reason for us to end the years that we have been together.

Sweet, yes. But come on, let’s be honest: no one will willingly choose to be away from their loved ones; all couples, including us, just have to make it work somehow.

And often times, it feels empty.

It sucks not being able to hug him when he feels down, to hold his hand when he feels like giving up, to kiss him when he feels scared of how the distance is tearing you two apart. It sucks seeing your friends go out on dates with their boyfriends, and it feels pathetic wanting to watch a romantic comedy on the cinema alone. People will tell you how you should learn to rely on your own or persuade you to have a set of friends to cheer you up, but I have relied on my own for so long that there are times when I just wish he can be here literally in a heartbeat and even your closest friends would not cure the ache you have for not seeing him for a long time.

Still, instead of giving up, you fight.

But this blog isn’t a pity party for all people who find themselves stuck in the same situation as I am so instead of writing about the innumerable number of reasons why long distance relationship sucks, let’s focus on the values one learns from it:

1. You learn the value of communicating because no long distance relationships will survive without short yet substantial “what have you been up to today?” messages. You realize how trivial matters which you two might have took for granted before actually matters, like how his dinner was so late or how his sleep was too short. You notice nuances you barely knew was there, you hear how beautiful his voice is in the morning, and most importantly: you learn to listen and appreciate even the shortest of calls.

2. You start to cherish each moment and try to make the most out of the time you have together. Long weekends and holidays are no longer just about getting more sleep or studying for recitations and exam, but you try to plan the details of your out of town together or even just simple dates in restaurants you have never been before. And even when you are still unsure when you can see him again, it does not stop you from planning ahead because planning makes the time spent apart a little bit more bearable for you. The time you see him, even just for a few hours, make you realize how he is worth the wait.

3. You learn to trust you partner more. A lot of long distance relationships we see in televisions end up with breakups because of the infidelity on whichever side but in real life, you have to learn that not only are television shows full of clichés but more importantly, trust is the biggest gift you can give to your partner.

Worrying who he is with or what he’s doing every second will only cause paranoia and pointless arguments. As much as we find a hint of delight when we see our partner feel jealous, it becomes very tiresome when jealousy becomes a habit and he is starting to be suspicious of every person you are with.

On the other hand, this also means that you should learn the boundaries of friendship, especially between opposite gender. Considering how clueless I am with social conventions, what I do is to ask myself, how will I feel if Cedric is as friendly to another as I am right now? It helps a lot to place ourselves in the situation of another to be able to understand and empathize with your partner.

4. You mature, you grow up together. Cedric and I have been in countless fights over the span of time we have been together and often, it ended up with us breaking up. This time however I notice how different we have been in terms of carefully selecting what we say and picking up fights. Time has become a rare commodity for us and spending it fighting is definitely not going to help us survive the distance. Much to my surprise, having always been the stubborn and hot-tempered one, I learn to admit when I am wrong and to ask for forgiveness. As usual, he forgives and moves on as well.

So today I write for all who are desperately missing their partners and wishing to be with them the soonest. It is tough and I cannot really assure you that things will get better. Do know however, that perhaps even if it’s a total bullshit to say that love conquers all, there is still some hope left in long distance relationships. It’s a glass-half-full situation, you see.

In his words, and I hope this gives you all a tinge of hope as well, what is few years of being apart if we have a lifetime to spend together? Happy monthsary, love. Thank you for loving and being so patient with your stubborn girlfriend.