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Female ; 23 Pouring my heart out. it's our secret, okay?

[ohcloudyday-blog1]

Am I ok?

Lately my brain has been really weird. It’s like.. not being tired makes me feel separated from myself some how? I can’t explain it. Sometimes I go an entire day and I don’t acknowledge my existence until the end of it. Like.. I wasn’t really there doing it.

As if my brain is always sleeping and I’m some how in an auto pilot state.

I have this other part of me that is really depressed too and when I’m her I just sit and I cry and I think of you and how much I miss you

[ohcloudyday-blog1]

... This one is.

I told my parents. Something I thought I’d never do.

A few months ago, I told my mom first. I told her a part of me will always despise her.. because I was always so yearning for her love and acceptance that I lost yours in the end. And in the end you loved me more than she ever could. I told her how heart breaking it always was to know she wouldn’t accept me or my choice to love you all because it’d go against her god.. and how all I ever tried to do was be good enough for her. She told me she wants what’s best for me and that God has the right path for me. She still doesn’t get it. A month later.. the ring you gave me when we were teenagers mysteriously disappeared and I’ve yet to find it... I don’t think I ever will. My life had a way of having occurrences like that often.

Then, I told my step dad. I cried to him about it all. I told him how we fell in love at 15 and how no man I’ve dated has ever compared to it. I told him how I broke your heart because I was scared my mom wouldn’t still love me. And I told him how disconnected she was when I told her about you. He felt so bad for me... because he knew how hard I tried to get her to love me my entire life. And now, he sees, that in the end I lost so much and how broken I am because of it.

I’ve realized over the years that love is a choice. You choose, every day, to wake up and continue loving someone. You choose to accept them, not judge them, and love them unconditionally.

This was something I didn’t know or understand as a child. I thought love was this magical thing that just..happened..and if it was real it’d stay that way forever.. that love and that person would just always be there.. that love could be permanent all on its own.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize everything when I had the chance. I miss you so much. But I love you enough to want you to be happy. So, I let you live. Without me. Because I know you’re happy now. And... you deserve to be.

[ohcloudyday-blog1]

This one isn’t about her...

I’ve watched so many people in my city fall victim to drug addiction. I’ve seen it sweep through; destroying families and taking lives. It cuts so much deeper when I see it destroying my own family. It’s so heart breaking to remember who he used to be, my cousin, like my brother and my childhood protector. To know he’s now a monster to those who love him. To see him be transformed into something so destructive. 

I’ve watched it so many times on the TV. Cities around the world destroyed. Hundreds killed. Innocent lives taken. In the name of.. God? Out of hatred, through terrorism. TERRORism. TERRORizing people around the world. Terror: extreme fear, fright, panic ... all around the world. People scared for their lives because people don’t like them. ... Don’t like them for things that don’t harm others. Reasons like who they love or the god they follow. People who are trying to live the short lives they were given in the way they feel the most peace with... killed. Now it’s in my city. I see my city cry, worry, and fear..that it’ll happen again. That we’ll lose more people we’re connected to. More people that we love will be taken too soon.

It’s heartbreaking.

[ohcloudyday-blog1]

[ohcloudyday-blog1]

I don’t remember...

I don’t remember exactly what happened to make her hate me. I know she wanted to be with me and I couldn’t commit to it. And I know she started dating some guy and still kissing me at work...

but she has me blocked on everything and it sucks.

you know.. i secretly made a fake profile just so i could look at her photos. I can’t go the rest of my life never seeing her face again.. and if I can only see her through photos then I’ll have to be happy with that. 

....I think my mom threw away the ring she gave me.. we were best friends when we were 15 and she pretend proposed to me. I’m 23 now and I had the ring the entire time.. all these years.. even after she wanted me out of her life. But once I confessed to my mom that she was the reason I lost out on real love..and told her everything... I swear it wasn’t long after that the ring disappeared. 

Maybe one day when I have the money I’ll get a replica made that looks exactly the same. 

[ohcloudyday-blog1]

I can’t hold it in anymore.

I’ve always thought about making a blog to talk about her.. but.. I thought it wouldn’t help me. I thought if I wrote about it then I’d be keeping her on my mind and I’d never move on. 

But ... it’s been years and I still haven’t stopped thinking about her

I still haven’t stopped loving her either.