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Observations of an indecisive idealist

[pinkieroy]

"This book made me insane" I say as if I was sane before

[theorangepdf]

my life was never the same after reading “the only trick of friendship, i think, is to find people who are better than you are. not smarter, not cooler, but kinder and more generous, and more forgiving and then appreciate them for what they can teach you and try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself no matter how bad or good it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. but the best, as well”

[meanwhilepoetry]

Every woman I have ever loved is still working out how to love herself. Has a closetful of ghosts and has been to a hundred funerals of the women she used to be. Wonders what wounds her mother carries that she will never know about. Hopes that the weight of the world doesn't eventually crush her, that she is strong enough to handle it all. Wishes a day will come when she can put it all down, give her aching shoulders a rest. Wants someone to truly see her and not make a feast of her kindness and dreams. Is forever hiding a secret hunger for what calls to her in the dark. Holds a universe inside her, but has been told to make herself smaller despite the paradox. Praise be that universes are not in the business of listening to anyone but themselves. Every woman I have loved has thought about it. The art of disappearing. To be here one day, and the next, like smoke, simply gone.

- Nikita Gill, Every Woman I Have Ever Loved

[ohheyyoufoundme]

I’m afraid I am what my parents are afraid I’ll be, I’m afraid I’ve always been that and that it was what I was always meant to be.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

The nerves of feeling too young in a room full of people who feel they are too old

[ohheyyoufoundme]

I hope I find a relationship that doesn't require pretense. Where fantasies are unnecessary because I'm too busy loving the real thing.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

I want a corner store down the street, with a cashier that knows my name. One that has my 2am purchases memorized. One that I can run to when I’m too tired to be healthy. 

I want a favorite coffee shop, with a waiter to have a crush on. One that would smile when they see me walk in for the 5th time that week. One I can go to sit and read a book, to rest.

I want a lemon tree in my back garden. One I’ve nurtured from a sprout. One I can use for lemonade and lemon cakes.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

I'm having one of those moments where I miss being in love and honestly it's sickening.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

There's such a big difference between who I am and who I want to be and that difference continues to make me sick of myself.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

One voice call was enough to make me jealous of him and pity myself into a panic attack

[ohheyyoufoundme]

I'm terrible at making new friends online

I think I'll just stick to the few I have

in real life.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

No I’m not going to do any work today, my head is too full of a nonsensical desire to yearn. 

[ohheyyoufoundme]

I’m disgusted with myself for romanticizing the idea that someone, someday will come and show me that the world is worth living in. I’m disgusted, but I still wish they would. 

[myschizoass]

do you ever dissociate so hard that you’re actually like 99% sure nothing’s real but u just kinda go with it bc you honestly have nothing to lose

[ohheyyoufoundme]

There's something about seeing a flash of lightning and hearing the rumble of thunder from my bedroom window, that makes me feel like the world is about to end.

As pretentious as it is to say, I find it soothing.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

This is all getting a bit too real for me, pass me my method of escapism for this week.

[ohheyyoufoundme]

Some days I like my D cups and other days my sports bra isn't hiding enough of them.