ohkarlita

¿preguntas? mad as a hatter, thin as a dime

[ohkarlita]

when I was younger I used to believe that as long as you tried your best things would be ok, maybe not amazing but I thought at least minimally ok.

as the years pass I realize being on is now some sort of a luxury.

I feel like I’m stuck in a run on sentence with no end in sight.

I work hard, I try to be kind but my mental illness is always two steps ahead.

regardless of the progress I make there will always be more that needs to be done.

people will take advantage of my door mat tendencies and those I hold close will start getting smaller.

I don’t wonder anymore why people aren’t friends with me or why invitations stopped coming.

to be honest as shitty as this sounds to some I would walk away from myself in a heartbeat.

but I can’t. some days are harder than others but it will always be a hard journey.

the mental health awareness for me sadly isn’t contained in a month of seasonal hashtags.

[ohkarlita]

It feels like im not allowed to feel sad

Like those around me are tired of it

I understand

I’m tired of it too

So I don’t blame those whom have distance themselves or exited my life

I wish I could walk away from it too </3

[ohkarlita]

all I wanna do is … nothing

[ohkarlita]

wore #coloredcontacts for the first time

[ohkarlita]

life is a doozie

pass the drugs

and give me a hug

-Natasha 10/17

[ohkarlita]

oh.tumblr_

por qué

Through the many years of forcing a smile and a fake care for people’s minimal problems through the wonderful world of customer serve, I’ve developed this cute little habit.

I mask, to a point where I even forget my reality.

I just end up feeding my people pleasing ways.

What sparked this? On more than 3 occasions did I find myself in a group setting online or in person, where I wondered “why the hell am I pretending I even like these people”

I fear being bitchy, mean and just overall anti social even though I kinda am.

And am not in the same breath….

But I wish I could select those around me with more selection.

[ohkarlita]

I know this might sound fucked up, hear me out. Not having a physical disability; one that a person can see and not question what you can or can’t do is something I wish I had instead of my invisible one. The amount of people that don’t believe I have a disability or “forget” or tell me it isn’t bad. I’m not saying that mine is the worst, I’m actually grateful of how far I’ve come or that I’m still here, but the countless days I cry in my car about my body betraying me, not having energy to do common things. Regardless if I’m “strong” eventually I’m getting weaker and weaker and I can’t keep pushing myself as hard. I have to work twice as hard to get nothing. I’m tired.

Physically, emotionally mentally.

No one believes me sometimes. There are days I’m walking around in so much pain but I have to show up to work, I have to smile, I have to pretend I’m ok but I’m not.

It doesn’t help that stress induces my flare ups. My depression and mental state doesn’t help. I’m trying but every time I’m a few steps forwards I get push back 5. I’m just tired. I just want to breathe without the pain I just want to live without so much struggle. I just want to enjoy the moments I have left.

Idk anymore. What sucks is I know I’ll eventually be back on my bipolar rollercoaster, the highs sometimes hurt more than the lows. I’ll eventually convince myself to keep going but that hurts more. That’s self infliction imma go my whole life trying without ever breathing in peace.

[ohkarlita]

If you smile no one knows

[ohkarlita]

[ohkarlita]

when I was younger i used to wish I could be someone else. I hated looking at my body in the mirror and would try to cover up and wear as many layers as possible. i felt uncomfortable and disgusting. that now breaks my heart. no one should ever feel that way.

am i where i want to be? Nope but im on the journey of just not giving a fuck anymore.

i want to be someone my younger self needed in their life :3

[ohkarlita]

hey hey little razorblade 🎶

[ohkarlita]

I’m so confused on everything. I honestly will take the blame just please stop.

[ohkarlita]

I wish I could just live without any human interaction. I crave a boring life. I get up to to work come back eat and sleep and then repeat.

Recently I’ve found out some horrifying facts about those around me including myself.

You see I’m an idiot.

I believe in people. Even if they are cruel to me. It’s not a good thing. I’m a fool that regardless of getting dizzy I’m still on this stupid carousel. Thinking one day these people will change. Worse part is it isn’t just one. My life is filled with one disappointment after the other. The worst disappointment?

Me.

Instead of investing my energy in myself I’m just here listening to the same persons with the same issues. I’m here emotionally draining myself for people who don’t even care.

I’m so exhausted.

Im so overwhelmed.

Im just spent.

And I just want to cry and drown in my own tears.

[ohkarlita]

how do you push when you have no more energy to even wake up

[ohkarlita]

Darkstalkers was always my goals growing up, succubi became an obsession and I wanted to always implement them in my style or every day. So sometimes I like to dress up as what I would assume that character would be. Thank you to my friend who got me this super cute top that I had to pair with some horns for the complete look!

[ohkarlita]

Sometimes the camera accidentally goes off in the right moments ♥️

Dear little Karlita,

I’m sorry that I’ve developed into someone I put down consistently. I remind myself of all the gaps I have daily; including those I have absolutely no control over. I’m sorry for the faces I make at your future body in the mirror and the spirals I venture with such dedication, to damage your mentally and physically. I’m sorry that I gaslight you into feeling like it’s your fault and putting yourself first is a selfish act. I’m sorry to act as a supporting character in your own story.

I want to tell you I truly love you and am reprogramming myself to show you. I want to hug you and tell you it wasn’t okay for the longest time and even though misfortune happens I am going to fight for you starting now. I’m going to make you smile and laugh and surround you with beautiful genuine people who care. I’m sorry for the mishandling of your emotions and self esteem. I love you ♥️ and I want you to see me with tears in your eyes of self love instead of hate.

It wasn’t ok before it might not 💯 percent be ok but what I can guarantee is that it will be in the future.

[ohkarlita]

Feeling my goblin era.