jamal​:
Jamal figured what her reply to his question would be, he really did, but hearing Maureen actually say it out loud… that if by some miracle she wouldn’t have moved next door with her daughter - their daughter -, Jamal might have never known about Talia, because really, there was no guarantee that Talia would have ever felt the need to seek him out… It hurt more than he imagined it would.
“Jesus, Maureen, do you even hear yourself?” he couldn’t help asking, rubbing his face in the process. “I get that I made a mistake, but this is a child, you had no right to make this kind of decision, not on a basis of me hurting you.” Hurting her was probably downplaying it and by a lot, but he wasn’t going to get into the gritty details, they weren’t important.
It would have been so easy to hate Maureen for this comment of her. And part of Jamal did, it really did, but it also felt impossible to hate her or tell her that he never wanted to talk to her again after this. It was ridiculous but it felt like they were in this together now, despite Maureen not wanting to have anything to do with him before. It was all complicated and overwhelming and just too much and Jamal didn’t even know what to say to that.
But he didn’t have to, because Maureen continued to talk and Jamal didn’t want to get into the way things went down between them, in his mind there were a lot more important things to discuss, but Maureen obviously thought differently, and for a moment it hit him hard in the chest that she actually thought he would pull the disappearing crap on Talia, too. “What are you even talking about? I would never–” but he stopped, because how could Maureen know? The last memories he left her with were his cold shoulders and him dropping off of the face of the earth and disappearing on her. Of course she was worried about that. They didn’t know each other now, even though in a way it felt like no time has passed. “I would never do that. Not to her, not to– not to anyone. Not again.”
He glanced down at the ground and let out a long sigh before he looked back up at her again. “I know I fucked up there, Maureen, I know I didn’t handle things right, but I’d never pull that shit again. I was wrong to do that in the first place, but I’ve changed. I promise.”
He could see just how deep that fear ran in Maureen, and there was a part of Jamal that wanted to just cross the distance between them and take her into his arm and comfort her, make her believe that he wouldn’t hurt their daughter. But the other side of him was telling him that he shouldn’t feel this. They haven’t been together for years and years, they didn’t even know who they were after all these years. Him trying to comfort her in any way wasn’t an option. “I promise,” he said again instead.
He nodded to her replies. “Time, yes. She needs some time to unpack and get used to her new environment. That sounds like a good plan.” And he needed time to wrap his head around all of this. He tried to put up a front of knowing what the hell is going on, but really, he was just going along with everything. “But not too much time, either, I don’t want her to think… I have no idea how to even tell her, but I don’t want her to think I didn’t tell her for a while because I didn’t want to,” he couldn’t help adding.
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Knowing the words exchanged had been hard, there was this urge of apologizing for them but she didn’t do it. Maureen wasn’t truly sorry about the perspective she developed in the past; yes, it was selfish, but it was the only way she thought they could be happy. The only way Talia was secure from any pain and heartache that the absence of a father could cause in her life. Perhaps it was easier to never know him instead of knowing and losing him. So, even if it would only hurt more, all she could say was: “It was the decidion I made back in the day. Maybe now it’d be different, but there’s no way to know. There’s no turning back, Jamal.”
And, oh! She wanted to believe he’d never do that again, hold onto every word reaching within herself and accept that melody as the truth. But it was hard when Maureen was still be able to perceive the pain she felt with his sudden absence in her life. The tears that ran dry despite the ache in her chest a couple of week prios her acknowledge of being pregnant from the man who left her. It was hard letting go of the ghosts he left behind, something close to a baggage someone forgot and left for someone else to deal with. Loving him was all she ever wanted to do, and having that being ripped of herself was one of the worst feelings she had ever experienced.
“Okay, thank you.” Yet, she tried to focus on the fact he’d indeed be different when it came to the daughter that was a consequence of their love. Talia deserved it. Even if it was a broken family, she deserved a mother and a father, to experience having another parental figure in her life throughout the rest of the years she had yet to live. And, of course, if he was half of the man he used to be when they were in love and happy, then Maureen would be relieved. It was the man from the last couple of days in their relationship that she’d fear that would return.
Then, Maureen understood she couldn’t keep this from Talia for longer than she had already kept Jamal a secret from their child. Besides Talia knowing a few things about her father, she didn’t know that he was now leaving next door, and Maureen also knew that it’d consume her to let time pass by more than it should without giving that information to the child she loved the most, the young girl she hoped that could see in her mother a best friend as well.Â
“Next weekend?” It was easier to set a date, and then time would be both a foe and her enemy. Every minute that passed by was the certainty that soon the bubble of comfort she lived with her daughter would no longer exist, and then she’d have to face Talia’s reaction towards the news. Be ready in case her daughter ended up hating on her for keeping that from her.Â
A sigh. This would definitely be harder than she wanted it to. Part of herself was hating the idea of moving to that apartment. One single change, a new chapter brought more drama and things to deal with than Maureen was expecting. “I-- I can do something for us to eat over lunch or over dinner. It’s easier to do this at home, in case she wants to storm out to her room.” In case it’s all too much. “We’ll do right by her. I’ll do right... no more secrets, no more running away. All that matters is her safety and happiness, I promise.” In case he wondered, if she’d find a way to move elsewhere and leave him behind with this new information.














