jamal:
Maureen knowing that she should have told him about Talia both helped and not helped at all for Jamal. He appreciated that she didn’t try to turn it into something that was okay, that made sense, but if she knew, why didn’t she reach out to him? He couldn’t wrap his mind around it.
And then she brought up how much he hurt her, and she was right, of course Maureen was right and it made sense that after the way things ended between them, she didn’t try her hardest to reach out to him, but for Jamal it just made him angrier. Both at himself and her, too. But in that moment it was easier to direct that anger towards her, and ignore the apology altogether.
“Okay, sure, you made an emotional decision based on the pain, but that’s been over a decade now, Maureen,” he pointed it out. “Why didn’t you try to find me since then?” He changed his phone number at some point, he knew that, but both his mom and his sister had the same phone number, and he couldn’t remember exactly, but he would have bet at some point Maureen had at least one of them.
And he couldn’t help but wonder… “Would you have ever told me about her?” he asked, his head ducked down, his voice quiet - he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer or not. This was all purely by chance. If Maureen moved somewhere else with Talia, they might have never ran into each other and then Jamal would have never known. And he might have only known for a couple of minutes, but even the prospect of never knowing he had a daughter felt impossible and too much.
When Maureen started talking about what she told Talia, though, warmed his heart. They were simple things, basic things, but hearing that his daughter wanted to dabble in sport because he used to play baseball? That was so sweet and he couldn’t help the small smile on his lips.
“We didn’t get to the introduction part yet, to be honest. Just opened the door for her and then came upstairs, it wasn’t that long of a conversation, but she seemed really nice. I– man, I’m both terrified and excited to met her properly.”
He leaned more towards the terrified in that moment, though. He was suddenly very much aware of just how many different ways could he screw things up, how many possible ways she could not like him and just how many ways all of this could go up in flames.
“How is this going to work, Maureen?” He wasn’t really sure himself. “Do you have a timeline? A plan? Any advice? Anything?”
Maureen knew that she could’ve and should have contacted him throughout all those years. She would have that remembrancce from time to time, when Talia had her first steps, when she first asked about her father, every single year Father’s day would approach and it’d sting a little that Maureen was the one to blame for Talia spending that day without Jamal. Which was the reason why when his question reached her, while she was expecting it, she didn’t want to answer. She didn’t want to share out loud she had chosen selfishly to keep Talia apart from her father. Perhaps it was fear of losing Talia, or that everything would change but it wouldn’t be for the best.
What if he had walked away from Talia like he had done with her?
“I just didn’t. And no, I wouldn’t,” it was for the best to share the truth. Even if it made him hate her more. “I’d leave that option for her, when she became old enough to make this choice by herself.”
She finally moved away from the counter, leaving her mug on top of it as she stood closer to him but still giving him enough of personal space. “You can hate me, you can blame me for all of this and I’ll take it. You can even tell that you’d like to never talk to me again unless we’re in front of Talia, whatever helps, I’ll do it. Just know that though the past can’t change, there’s now and, above it all, the future. And you can still have so many great memories with her.”
After all, a child wasn’t someone who you could let go of once you were tired of dealing with it. Sometimes it was tough being a mother, sometimes when Talia was just a toddler, she’d cry with her baby on her arms, afraid, hopeless, alone; at least for a few years. Still, it was challenging but it was all worth it. “And keep in that if you’re in, you’re all in. You can’t pull that…” and by that she meant what Maureen went through with him, “on her. I swear, Jamal, just– don’t hurt this child.”
It was nervewrecking because this wasn’t a situation Maureen could control, she could only orchestraetd to be the best way possible for every role that was part of the scenario. However, just by hearing that he was excited to meet her made her feel more comfortable with the situation, even if for him perhaps it wasn’t like that.
“She’s the best. Talia’s so full of life and curious and she makes me feel lighter and perceive as life in a better perspective. I’m trying to prepare myself for the fact that she won’t be very fond of me the moment she finds out. I can take your frustrations and anger, I do, but hers…” and there it was, the emotions, she cleaned a tear before it’d stream down her face. “It’ll shatter me.”
Her hands were moved inside of her jeans’ pockets before she finally replied to what seemed the questions that would change everything. “No, I don’t. But, let us at least unpack, so she can feel more at home now. Talia’s still a little hurt that she won’t see her school friends everyday, so one change at a time. And, my advice is to be yourself. I’m sure she’ll love you.”
Jamal figured what her reply to his question would be, he really did, but hearing Maureen actually say it out loud... that if by some miracle she wouldn’t have moved next door with her daughter - their daughter -, Jamal might have never known about Talia, because really, there was no guarantee that Talia would have ever felt the need to seek him out... It hurt more than he imagined it would.
“Jesus, Maureen, do you even hear yourself?” he couldn’t help asking, rubbing his face in the process. “I get that I made a mistake, but this is a child, you had no right to make this kind of decision, not on a basis of me hurting you.” Hurting her was probably downplaying it and by a lot, but he wasn’t going to get into the gritty details, they weren’t important.
It would have been so easy to hate Maureen for this comment of her. And part of Jamal did, it really did, but it also felt impossible to hate her or tell her that he never wanted to talk to her again after this. It was ridiculous but it felt like they were in this together now, despite Maureen not wanting to have anything to do with him before. It was all complicated and overwhelming and just too much and Jamal didn’t even know what to say to that.
But he didn’t have to, because Maureen continued to talk and Jamal didn’t want to get into the way things went down between them, in his mind there were a lot more important things to discuss, but Maureen obviously thought differently, and for a moment it hit him hard in the chest that she actually thought he would pull the disappearing crap on Talia, too. “What are you even talking about? I would never--” but he stopped, because how could Maureen know? The last memories he left her with were his cold shoulders and him dropping off of the face of the earth and disappearing on her. Of course she was worried about that. They didn’t know each other now, even though in a way it felt like no time has passed. “I would never do that. Not to her, not to-- not to anyone. Not again.”
He glanced down at the ground and let out a long sigh before he looked back up at her again. “I know I fucked up there, Maureen, I know I didn’t handle things right, but I’d never pull that shit again. I was wrong to do that in the first place, but I’ve changed. I promise.”
He could see just how deep that fear ran in Maureen, and there was a part of Jamal that wanted to just cross the distance between them and take her into his arm and comfort her, make her believe that he wouldn’t hurt their daughter. But the other side of him was telling him that he shouldn’t feel this. They haven’t been together for years and years, they didn’t even know who they were after all these years. Him trying to comfort her in any way wasn’t an option. “I promise,” he said again instead.
He nodded to her replies. “Time, yes. She needs some time to unpack and get used to her new environment. That sounds like a good plan.” And he needed time to wrap his head around all of this. He tried to put up a front of knowing what the hell is going on, but really, he was just going along with everything. “But not too much time, either, I don’t want her to think... I have no idea how to even tell her, but I don’t want her to think I didn’t tell her for a while because I didn’t want to,” he couldn’t help adding.















