TLDR I'm stuck on hard mode. Which is fine. Tellin myself I can Do Hard Things™. Just real sad it couldn't be easier, yknow?
sheepfilms
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

JBB: An Artblog!
Cosmic Funnies
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
dirt enthusiast

oozey mess
$LAYYYTER

No title available
Peter Solarz
NASA
TVSTRANGERTHINGS

Janaina Medeiros

izzy's playlists!
occasionally subtle

pixel skylines

Kiana Khansmith

blake kathryn
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Show & Tell

seen from Netherlands

seen from United States
seen from France

seen from Ireland

seen from Armenia

seen from New Zealand

seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from Israel

seen from United States
seen from Lithuania
seen from United States

seen from Canada

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Argentina
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
@oilcolor
TLDR I'm stuck on hard mode. Which is fine. Tellin myself I can Do Hard Things™. Just real sad it couldn't be easier, yknow?
ssssssssss ooooo oo o things have taken a hilarious turn
Okay this could easily be a long one so I'm going to try and keep it as short as I can The big thing: After a whole mess of cardiology tests, it's come to our attention that I have (at minimum. I'm waiting on more tests) two heart defects, and some miscellaneous issues. It's not like, urgently serious, I will most likely be mostly fine, it's just the kind of thing I need to have monitored for the rest of my life. Thank fuck for universal healthcare am I right OTL The relevant matter here is that my cardiologist is not feeling me being on Adderall, and is kind of only cautiously open to me looking into non-stimulant medications for ADHD. Such a thing exists, and I technically have access to it, but 1) Only after a few weeks of bureaucratic fiddling 2) It's more expensive than the medication I'm used to (I am Poor) 3) It's not covered by insurance (but its not like I have or could get insurance anyway lmfao?) 4) It's the kind of thing that takes weeks to build up in your system and have an effect (and medications like this scare me lmfao) So I, uh. I wish I had some kind of clear conclusion about what this means for my art moving forward. The AuDHD + Severe Anxiety And Depression combo is completely fucking immobilizing a solid 99% of the time. I was really, really counting on the medication to improve things by a solid 50% like it had before. I think the absolute most optimistic I can be right now, is that I might just have to make peace with my artistic output being extremely bullshit and inconsistent (and usually just, not present at all) for the foreseeable future -- I'm just sorry that I have to ask anyone else to lower their expectations that much, too. I hate this. (I don't even know how I'm going to hold my ~actual~ retail job. Like, I'm trying to keep this related to This Blog / My Art but I'm seriously kind of overwhelmed with dread. I've been struggling to stay afloat off my meds but kept telling myself 'it'll be fine soon when I can treat this again' but now I may very well be unable to. Ohhh my god.) I'm really not trying to be a downer here but I just don't really know what to make of all of this right now. I'm never going to stop drawing completely, I know there'll always come times when the stars align and there are bursts of Executive Function and Motivation and Inspiration all at once, it's just. Maddeningly frustrating that it's as rare as it is. And then I have to get past the anxiety of posting what I do at all AAAAAAAA The autism is what it is but like, I dont know, maybe I'll start trying to attack the executive function issue from the Depression angle and hope that has a significant effect? But because I have a Whole Phobia around most medications, especially ones like antidepressants, I have to do this the very long and hard way so like. Lmfao!! I dont know!! Wish me luck I guess!! Christ what a stupid brain/body combo this is edit:
anyway follow me on bluesky too if you care for my rambling, I'm gonna maybe try and put most of it there and keep this blog a little more image-based (as much as I'm able, anyway). I am Very Silly
because I got a few dms about it recently: I'm not taking commissions again just yet! I'm chipping at way at some long-overdue ones but when I'm through with these... I'll probably have to open again lmao
Oops All Callies!!
Y'know it's super weird, I have some 1.4kish followers here, but I hit that landmark many many years ago. I think before the porn ban and a huge number of people left the site. I've really got no way of knowing how many active followers I have, especially given how very rarely I've been posting due to Numerous Life Events. I actually have a couple things to post (I'll get to it, I'll get to it), but would y'all kill me if I rambled a little now and again. Why am I asking this is My House. It still feels weird lmfao Like I threw a party in my own home and never exit my room save for like, two-minute spells to come down, say hi, get an orange juice and go back upstairs for several hours. Does this make sense. Do I have the right to change what's on TV. Do you understand
we need a cuteness aggression equivalent term for when you see art of your favorite character you like so much that you sincerely cannot think of anything to put in the tags that isnt "im going to start biting off my own fingers"
meowdy, and here's a little art challenge for december my minnows and i have been cooking up! i know month long art challenges can be kind of intimidating to some people, so i figured making a week long one could encourage people to give longer challenges a try!
if you'd like to share your designs, please do so to '#brush week 2025'! ill be checking the tag and sharing some of the cool ones i see!
here are the transparent pngs btw!
periodic 'hello im alive' post
Sorry this isn't gonna be exciting or anything, I just don't want people thinking I've like, gone into hiding and I'm shirking responsibilities and obligations lmao Things are okay, sort of. Like on paper they're bad but I still think the trend is skewing upward overall...? It's hard to articulate why that is, but I guess I just have some baseless optimism for once, for some reason Basically, facts: Financial strain + miscommunications with the pharmacy means I'm off my meds for a while, but I'm making do surprisingly okay with Good Caffeine™ lmfao. (Also, finally figured out the slurry of secrets behind making the Other troublesome medication work for me, it seems like, so that's a relief beyond measure. The Depression is like, normal run-of-the-mill Depression now and I know how to manage that!! Which sounds so sarcastic but I'm serious lmfao it's a good thing, I'm treading water here and that's a dramatic improvement at least) I've been applying around constantly for a second job, but predictably nothing's really come of it yet. My primary job has relaxed since the Summer peak is behind us, which is both good (yay, I can breathe and think and spend less time recovering!) and kind of bad (Like, it seriously looks like they gave me zero hours for the next two weeks. Doesn't bode well for how my pay's going to be for this lull between the summer rush and the holiday build-up...) But whatever - free time is free time and I'm in a tenuously stable state of mind (?) so let me see what I can actually get done. wish me luck here I'm living the stupidest life
Trying to keep yall updated though this whole thing is truly so dumb and tiring lmao, I'm sorry
Long story short: Aggressively supplementing the vitamins that birth control depletes has helped non-insignificantly with my depression, but the fact that it cancels out the mental benefits (namely: executive function) of my ADHD medication remains. I called my OBGYN about the birth control side of it, and his response was more or less what I expected: In short, 'stop taking the birth control immediately, and go consult your GP about the depression'. I tried to explain that I'm wary of just stopping the birth control, because going back to insane PMDD + completely disabling levels of pain is just another form of hell. My period has been trying to kill me since I was 14, and I have no reason to suspect that it'll suddenly be resolved once I'm off the pill now. I want to know what the game plan is for that point. And he admits he doesn't know what to do. I'm on the gentlest form of the lowest possible dose of BC on the market, and he's actually stunned and confused that I'm having this experience at all. There isn't a weaker form of it to move to from here, and I'm 'supposed to be hormonally stable and not really experiencing any fluctuations at all'. (And like... yeah! I haven't felt mood-swing-y or unstable. I've been feeling consistently, very stable-y, catastrophically depressed lmao?!) He says to focus on the depression first, and when / if menstrual shit gets bad again, to come to him. I said 'alright', but I don't know what I'm supposed to expect. Obviously, birth control outright isn't an option, now. Obviously, he's not going to put me on a stronger dose, as that's not going to help anything. He might send me for another ultrasound, but odds are we're just going to find the same cysts -- the ones where the go-to treatment to shrink them is the very birth control I'm on and can't tolerate. My best prediction for what he'll suggest -- because let's be real, nobody's going to entertain a hysterectomy for a 'healthy' unmarried woman* under 50 with no children -- is extremely strong prescription painkillers again and a suggestion that I go to my GP for antidepressants. Thing is, even if I was comfortable with taking extremely powerful painkillers for a week out of every month for the rest of my bleeding life (I am not), and wasn't wary of antidepressants (I am), my GP isn't able to prescribe antidepressants, himself. He'd have to refer me to a specialist who would take far, far too long to see, and cost far more than I have. So! What I'm going to do for now is remain on the BC pill, a little longer. My job hours are really picking up now that school is out and the mall I work at is really busy. I work retail at a place that sells swimsuits, and we're going through what's effectively Christmas-in-July, so it's crazy for a while, and I cannot have that pay fucked up for me by two weeks of trying to throw myself off a bridge and incapacitating pain! I have an appointment with my ADHD doctors in two weeks, and I'll consult them on all this and see if they have any insight... though I think all they'll be capable of offering is the suggestion to bump up my dose by 5mg and see if that breaks through the BC cancellation factor. (It's worth a shot, but I can't help but worry, since I haven't fully adjusted to 20mg yet. I'm extremely sensitive to stimulants and do experience some mild-but-worrying-at-times side-effects as is, so I'm open to trying anything but I can't help but be wary of just Throwing More Drug At Problem, if it can be helped otherwise)
Once that's all said and done, though, I guess all I can do is stop the pill and just... see what happens. Based on my life experiences + having forgotten to take the pill one day and feeling borderline high compared to the norm, I have to expect that the depression will vanish into thin air, my Adderall will have me functioning in peak form, but the menstrual issues will all return with a vengeance. Then I'll go waste my time at the OBGYN. lmao. I don't know...
Yooooou aint gonna belieeeeeeeeeve this
I can't even get into the details of this for worry of TMI or confusing or whatever the fuck but long story short: I'm on two medications, to treat two specific issues. Both of which have a significant effect on my ability to do... absolutely anything at all, ever Independently, they're both extremely effective. Together... Pill A renders Pill B completely ineffective and makes me extremely depressed beyond function! In essence, here're my options. Option 1: Stop taking Pill A (for Condition A), and deal with extreme irritability, chronic and completely disabling pain, vomiting / severe GI issues and suicidal ideation. Pill B happens to make the chronic pain worse and is still rendered ineffective about 50% the time due to Condition A. The other 50% of the time there's a chance I'll be in a functional state. Option 2: Keep taking Pill A, so I'm chronic-pain-free and my mood is stable (as in consistent), but it's consistent... paralyzing depression. And Pill B doesn't work at all ever Both conditions are just... leaving either of them go untreated is inconceivable to me. But the only things that have ever worked to treat them, don't work together. I'm either nonfunctional and depressed or nonfunctional and in pain. (and even if antidepressants were a simple option for me, I severely doubt I could afford all three things...!?) so I don't.... know what to do. at all. Lmfao. My absolute best fucking guess at what I can even try at this point is throw supplements at the problem and pray but I don't know what the odds of that doing a fucking thing are. I don't know. I do not know where I go from here
Additionally
for the record, I don't know when next I'm gonna be able to take commissions again... I've been having one hell of a time getting through the ones I've already got on my plate, that are already long overdue, and my state's been insanely unstable lately. I just don't know when I'm going to be find myself well enough to trust that I can get anything done in a reasonably timely manner So even once I'm done with these I might be done with them for a while thereafter, I have no idea
Hey hello I'm not dead, exactly
I don't even really know where to begin, and I want to avoid this coming off as me throwing myself a pity party, so I'll try and make it quick: I've been burning myself out intensely over the past couple years, and I think I ended up really hitting a solid brick wall that there was just no brute-forcing myself past. I hadn't really allowed myself time to process a lot of extremely heavy things going in my life, and it's been miserable! For what it's worth - even if I wouldn't have chosen to simply crash and burn and just about stop drawing completely for months and months on end, I've been improving. With the addition of new medications in the mix to stabilize me, and adjusted dosages, I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about my ability to do... something, sometime, hopefully soon? (That being said, due to financial difficulties there's also a very real chance that I'll be picking up a second job, soon, and then there'll be a question of what time I'll have to myself...) I feel awful for having been knocked out of my ability to draw for so long, but the situation looks to finally be improving, at least. If you've stuck around this long and even read through this, thank you :') sincerely.
I. have not stopped thinking about grand fest
Hey is it okey that I can repost your art on other social medias?
I appreciate you asking! But I'd like to know if this is like, for personal use / sharing or on a Whole Page or what? In any case, if it's 1) For something like a header / banner, or a simple 'hey aint this neat' kind of post 2) Not art that was commissioned for somebody's personal use 3) Credited back to me then that's all well and good by me uou