caught in my california rain

Sometimes my thoughts need to spill out.

[okayhonestyy]

09.06.2019

39 weeks. 7 days until due date.

So close to the finish and I’m really excited to finally meet my baby! But I’m also a little sad about my pregnancy ending at the same time. It’s been a great pregnancy and I feel like I wasn’t fully present for most of it. It’s like I woke up around 25 weeks. I finally felt pregnant at that point and wasn’t scared of something bad happening.

But of course this is fine. Things ends and the next stage will be something new to enjoy. I am ready to meet my baby and see his face. I also want to see his fingers and elbows and chin. I just want to see what he looks like and get to know him in person if that makes sense.

[okayhonestyy]

02.20.2019

It’s my birthday :)

Im so happy to be here. Be pregnant (finally). The last year was an emotional trip. This time last year I was depressed and emotional about not being pregnant. I was having such a hard time pulling it together.

I would get randomly teary and sad because it hadn’t worked yet. Who knew it would actually take sooo much longer than we though. I remember being so devastated that first month ttc didn’t work. I felt like we had done everything right and I couldn’t understand how working hard wouldn’t give me the result I wanted.

Naive is what I was. I had no idea how much it could take to get pregnant and how long it could take. How long it was going to take for us.

Now a year later. 10 weeks 5 days pregnant :) and so, so happy to be here. I have to believe we were meant to wait for this baby. This baby is supposed to be our first and I am supposed to be pregnant now; no earlier. I’m ok with that.

I am so grateful to be here, 29 years old, and blissfully pregnant.

:)))

[okayhonestyy]

01.06.2019

It’s real. First time EVER seeing a positive. And not even a squinter. A clear flippn positive!

14 months off birth control

12 months of serious ttc

It still doesn’t feel real but here we are :))

[okayhonestyy]

01.01.2019

CD26

Wow first of the year. Hopefully I’ll remember to post here more. It feels good when I do. Therapeutic.

Well I was feeling pretty good about this cycle. Temps rising and all that. Did acupuncture to help with this cycle even. But I started spotting yesterday. Not a lot, but I don’t know what this means.

According to my multiple apps I’m either 10dpo, 7dpo, or 3dpo...

I only did temps this month. No opks. I wanted to try to make it less stressful. Not sure if it helped much. Still was obsessing over my temps haha.

And with that when do I test even?

Also this month puts us at 1 year of activity trying. I really didn’t think we would be here. I would have never thought it would take this long. But here we are. I can face it. I’ve put in our request for a referral to the fertility specialist.

[okayhonestyy]

10.25.2018

CD 72.... -_-

I’ve been up and down emotionally the last week. I spent some time with my best friend and her new baby and I was fine at the time but the next day I was just sad.

Sad that I wasn’t pregnant. Sad I didn’t have a baby. Sad it wasn’t me. Sad that I’ve been struggling. Sad that I keep failing.

I spent most of Sunday in bed. I think I finally got up and out around 4pm. Sleeping is usually my coping mechanism when I don’t want to deal with my feelings.

Then today I found out one of my coworkers is pregnant. We were all having lunch and some of the other people were asking her how she was feeling and how far she was now. It seemed that I was the only one who didn’t know she was pregnant. It really caught me off guard. It made me really sad. And that caught me off guard too. I was a bit surprised by my reaction to it. I think I partially took it this way because I was the only one who didn’t know. But man did it make me sad. This is the first time where hearing someone was pregnant has upset me.

I’m probably due for a good emotional breakdown. I’ve been off birth control since November 2017 and TTC since January 2018. I never thought it would take this long.

Well I have an acupuncture appointment for next week. Maybe that will do something.

[okayhonestyy]

10.13.2018

CD60.... fuck me dude.

[okayhonestyy]

09.17.2018

CD34. I don’t think I’ve ovulated yet. I used opks cd8-27 before giving up.

I’m guessing this cycle is anovulatory. So what is going to happen? How do I make my period come so I can start the next cycle?

[okayhonestyy]

08.20.2018

So I got my period! That was exciting. So I had a 36ish day cycle which is an improvement. (Much better than 60+ and 90+ day cycle) I’ll take it dude.

Currently cd6, my period should be ending today. It was pretty light the last couple days so that is promising. Fingers crossed for another normal cylce. Maybe this will even be THE cycle.

Side note. I got my ultrasound results from my doctor. I have two fibroids and a cyst on my ovary. Doctor thinks this shouldn’t affect my fertility. I’m super annoyed because (after bleeding for 8 weeks) I told my previous doctor that I thought I might have fibroids and she brushed me off. She said that was unlikely.... 😑. This was based on no exam even. She didn’t touch me didn’t suggest further testing, nothing. Can you see why I switched doctors?

This doctor was too focused on my weight. I get it, I’m fat, I’ve noticed. Plenty of fat people get pregnant and have babies.

Anyway, I’m happy with my new proactive doctor. I’m happy with my cycle. I’m happy to actually be able to try to get pregnant his month :).

[okayhonestyy]

08.11.2018

Well CD33. I think I ovulated. I got a positive OPK on August 2nd. So I’m pretty sure I ovulated on the 3rd. So that would make me 8dpo.

Not feeling pregnant (not like I even know what that feels like), no symptoms. Honestly I don’t think it happened this month. The timing didn’t feel right. But I am ok with that. The goal of this cycle is just to have a normal cycle. Actually being pregnant would be a shocking but amazing.

Feeling pretty good. I’m going to test on the 17th. If I don’t get my period first. Either would be fine. I just don’t want nothing.

[okayhonestyy]

07.29.2018

Cycle day 20 I think. Hoping for a normal cycle still. I don’t think I’ve ovulated yet.

I’ve been taking OPKs since cycle day 11 and they have all been negative so far.

Funny thing is yesterday when I was taking my OPK I also took a HCG test. OPK was negative but HCG was faintly positive. Super weird because I haven’t ovulated. So I took a second one and it was negative. Anyway it was super weird.

My first false positive. I kept the strip. It’s kind of cool to see the two lines on the test even though I know it’s not real.

[okayhonestyy]

07.22.2018

We are back in it!

Updates:

Dumped the old doctor and got a new one.

New one is pretty great. Running a few different tests and scheduled me for an ultrasound. (Um thank you for being a competent doctor and not making me fight for basic care)

I STOPPED BLEEDING! Flippn fantastic is the feeling of going around without a tampon or pad. Freeing!

I bleed for exactly 11 weeks (still wtf was that)

Having non-bloody sex is amazing.

Anyway, so we seem to be back on the ttc track. I’m testing for ovulation and hoping so bad that my body is back in a normal rhythm. I would really like to see my body ovulate this month (just to see that it’s actually doing it) and even if we don’t get pregnant this cycle I will be satisfied.

[okayhonestyy]

07.09.2018

Well I’ve been on birth control for 13 days now.

AND. I’M. STILL. BLEEDING. Fuck you uterus.

The bleeding has slowed for sure, but I’m still bleeding everyday. More than spotting. This is so frustrating. And I think the pill has been messing with my stomach. I have an upset stomach or feel nauseous through the day.

So you know, fun times all around.

[okayhonestyy]

06.28.2018

We have now hit 8 weeks of bleeding -_-.

I finally did something about it though. Two nights ago I called the advise nurse. When I talked to the receptionist and on call nurse they both seemed alarmed by my almost 8 weeks of bleeding. (Thank you for seeing that this is not normal!) She set me up a phone appointment with the on call doctor.

That was a weird experience. The doctor didn’t seem too concerned but still felt I should have an exam since we didn’t know the cause of the bleeding. So they scheduled me for an exam with my doctor for the next day.

I went to see my doctor who still thinks this is nothing to be concerned about... but she did allow me to try taking birth control to stop the bleeding.

It feels counter productive but my first priority right now is to stop bleeding. So we are day two on the pill and honestly the bleeding seems lighter. I really hope this works.

Side note. I think I’m going to have to break up with this doctor. I like her as a person. She is pretty laid back and chill. But I don’t think I like her as my doctor. She is very focused on my weight/ me loosing weight. And I get it. She sees my weight as an easy fix. But if she’s this focused on me loosing weight now, that’s all she’s going to be focused on after I become pregnant. It will only be talks of high risk, gestational diabetes, and scheduling a cesearian section. And that’s not what I want.

I think I will finish out this pack of birth control and then make a decision.

[okayhonestyy]

06.21.2018

Well happy 7 WEEKS OF BLEEDING TO ME.

[okayhonestyy]

Tomorrow will be 4 WEEKS of bleeding... that’s 29 days. Ugh. I hate this so much.

Two months of no period and a month of bleeding. WHYYYY

All I want is a regular cycle so I can figure out when I ovulate.

[okayhonestyy]

You know what’s great? Struggling in your personal life and being overwhelmed at work.

[okayhonestyy]

1.27.2018

I think my period is starting.

I’m sad about it. More disappointed than sad really. I just feel like I tried really hard and failed.