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I am so overwhelmed by toddlers it's insane. Some days I think I'm actually going to go insane and bash my head into a wall until I die or run into the highway outside until I get hit. If I didn't have my spouse I don't think I could handle parenting. But then at some point it's late at night and everyone is asleep except me and I feel such a relief. I don't even want to go to sleep. I'm going to smoke weed

I'm a bit intoxicated. Trying to finish this bottle of wine instead of throwing the rest. I went to spouses uncles for Easter. It was a bit boring and awkward as there were so many people we didn't know. So we left a bit soon after because Curie also couldn't stop running into the road and grabbing other people's stuff. I texted my brother, thought about visiting him but I'm tired. I'm still trying to understand our relationship but I'm not as against it as before or uncomfortable. I stopped feeling guilty about how we are and it's a lot less pressure and feels okay that we don't know each other well yet. And whatever pace we get to know each other is okay. Curie is watching YouTube and eating chips, Rowan is watching videos and falling asleep. Tomorrow I'm going on a walk with a friend and I'm super excited. In a few weeks we're going to Fairbanks and I'll see friends it'll be good. I might go see a friend who recently had a baby and give them some wee.d. I'm not visiting my or spouses family which is good. Its a good boundary for our families well being.

#ftm #me

here's your perfect victim

the perfect work of fiction

all part of the system

that perpetuates the story

that everyone will read

a glossy road to heaven

is nothing but a dead end

I hope everyone's happy

The end sure would make me

Hey, I’ve been sitting with a lot lately, and I need to get it out—how my past and who I am keep crashing into what’s happening now, especially with this administration. I’m trans, Native, poor, raising kids with my autistic spouse on welfare—food stamps, WIC, Medicaid—and it’s like every part of me is a target. The Trump admin and their supporters, they act like we’re leeching, like we want this struggle, when it’s hours of paperwork, proving we’re broke enough, scraping by while they judge us. It’s not just about money—it’s this constant message that we’re less, that my survival’s some kind of scam they need to fix.

It ties into my past, and I can’t shake it. My family’s gone—alcoholism took them, and that’s not random; it’s the fallout of genocide and assimilation, the kind of history that doesn’t just stay in books. My uncle assaulted me, nearly killed me, chased me out of my own home. The justice system? Dropped it to a misdemeanor, gave him a month in jail, then he’s back in his basement like nothing happened. My grandparents didn’t get it, and that got twisted against me—like I was the problem for running, for living. I see that same cruelty now—how Native pain gets used, how my getting back up is spun as proof I don’t hurt enough. Andrew Jackson stole orphans, broke lives, called it mercy; today’s leadership cuts welfare, guts our land, calls it progress. Same game, different mask.

I’m intersectional in every way—trans, Native, poor, tied to trauma—and it feels like the world’s betting on me to fall. My people’s country is being torn apart again—land abused, warnings ignored—just like we said it’d be centuries ago. I survived that assault, saw a dream of my spouse and a baby, fought for this family, but PTSD keeps me harsh, keeps me begging for mercy in my head. I hurt my spouse, see their tears, and it kills me—I want to be soft, but the fight won’t stop. And then I look at this admin, their ‘benevolence,’ and it’s bullshit. They prop me up—‘Look, he’s still here, we’re so great’—while they strip us bare. I’m not their success story; I’m their excuse.

I feel like everything’s been taken—my family, my safety, my people’s peace—and I’m left wondering why I’m still here when so many didn’t get the chance. The genocide’s not over; it’s in my bones, in the way they use me to pat themselves on the back. I love my family, I’d die for that second of peace with them, but this pain—it’s history, it’s now, and it’s choking me. I need help figuring out how to carry it without breaking, because I don’t want to just survive—I want to live.

Sometimes I still get really sad but I don't want to lose anything or hurt anyone. I want to make things better not that there's even much I can do. I'm just so hurt still over losing so much myself I can't believe it. It's hard to live with but I'm building a life. I miss things and people who are gone and can't believe I'm here without them. I wish my family cared more to not make it worse but they do. It's hard to remember the worst day of my life. It's hard to remember being left alone by people who were supposed to help me in that situation. It's hard to know they'll never do the right thing and that there is no justice. I'm happier alone away from people I thought loved me. Finding people that won't hurt that way again.

I'll keep this as a diary I guess. I'm probably a couple weeks pregnant and I can tell. The hormones are absolutely fucking me up I just never feel okay. I'm trying so hard to do better and I just don't have any energy. My spouse and I got in a huge argument that resulted in them having a meltdown and hitting their head hard enough it hurt the rest of the night. I feel terrible and wonder if it's my fault. If I should get an abortion if I can't handle this but I think I'll be too depressed if I do that either. We want such a nice family and try so hard for it I wonder why its hardly enough. Life is so difficult. I still haven't made appointments for me or my baby because I'm too scared to call this new hospital. I've called a few times and the difference in how I even make an appointment is hard. I don't understand the answering machine going to a voicemail of a specific doctor or why there isn't a front desk. It'll all be over soon if I just make the appts.

Sigh I'm thinking about my ex. I'm just happy that life is so good now and I'm out of that relationship. He seemed nice and I couldnt believe he would force me the way he did. I couldn't believe I had to beg and cry. And then the fear of pregnancy afterwards to the point I wanted to kill myself. I didn't know how to take a pregnancy test and was so embarrassed about that even happening I was scared if I took it I'd kill myself immediately. So I just waited myself sick until my period started a few months late. I'm so happy I feel so ready to have children now. Being loved feels so different

Only crackheads journal. But whatever that's what this is and honestly I'll always be an addict years after quitting. God I regret my choices but what can you do. What's done is done fuck me. God I just want to watch my babies grow up and take care of them. I get so miserable at my condition of depression and ptsd but if I can just be there for my babies growing up and do a few things here and there that's all I hope for anymore. I miss my parents siblings, family so much, but this is my family too, a much more important one to be around.

Sometimes I wonder what I do every day. Right now I'm exercising while scrolling social media at 10:30 pm. My baby and wife are asleep. I'm waiting for my moose soup to be done in another half hour. I'm cutting the potatoes for it now. It's always more bland than I want... I'm listening to music on my headphones closer by lemaire. I wonder how I can feel so disappointed while listening to an upbeat song. God my phone tells me of every fucking grammatical error even saying things in the wrong tense Jesus. Anyways earlier I... started off the day with my baby waking up screaming. I made some coffee in the espresso machine we got. Played sims for awhile and Vaped the rest of our weed. We went to the bank to get money then to the dispensary. The dispensary person talked to my wife about having two kids. Last time she talked about her favorite weed strain and is always pretty nice. We head off to Costco for diapers and baby food. Did a load of dishes and then played more sims. I started making soup and put the baby to bed. Then my wife went to sleep and Im walking around doing what I said in the beginning.

Its hard for me to do anything that might hurt someone.

My uncle tried to kill me and now im remembering when it felt like he was going to kill me as a kid. The way he put his hand over my face so i couldnt scream and dragged me downstairs and threw me on his bed. Then he jumped on me and he kept doing it until i quit reacting in pain. The pain was so unbearable i wanted to die and he called me tough. I guess for living through that I'm tough. I hate it. I hate it i hate it.

Thinking about how my separation trauma is from going into foster care away from my siblings. How awful and confusing it was and everything i did to cope with it. My foster mom had me call her mom. I began to think she was until i visited my birth mom, then i didnt know what to call my foster mom she got upset at me for calling her by name. I stopped calling her anything. Or anyone by a names. I forgot who my siblings were and when i remembered we were seperated. I grew up without them. Just memories

Its strange how im not very old but already so much of my family is dead, and the things I grew up doing, my own daughter will only hear of as a memory. Things change so fast, I dont know how much longer i can last.

I twitch and i stutter and i hate it, then im so anxious i feel like shooting myself in the head, i dont know, for the relief? God im trying to think about why im so depressed and it doesnt seem to get me anywhere. I think i really just get lost in thought, and maybe i should actually stop. I dont know how and i fear making a wrong decision.

I feel uncomfortable ariund everyone, friends, strangers, family. I commend my wife for being the only person I'm comfortable around. I was okay being alone, i mean, it was more comfortable. Now I can have a child thats the only other person I enjoy being around. Id be happiest with just them in my life. Having people care about you is hard when youre suicidal, i dont want to hurt people, but everyone is running out of time, I'm just running out a little faster, but to enjoy all the time I have left is all I need, I'll be so happy. I hope others arent upset or angry I never wanted to hurt anyone, I didn't know what would happen, and I really tried

I cant recognize a spiral before it happens. Suddenly im in bed telling myself these awful awful things and i have to get myself to stop. Its usually easier to stop once i recognize that im being self defeating and need to be more positive for a good change. But its still happening often. I dont know how to stop it.

I think my main problem is i know exactly what i want to do in life, i just realize sometimes even simple things can be impossible. I want to shower, feed and play with the baby, go on a walk, clean, eat, wash dishes, feed the baby, cook, eat more, play games, watch tv, feed the baby, smoke weed, wash clothes, feed the baby, give the baby a bath, sleep, draw, play piano, all in one day or a week i guess. And within the year i want to get a license, go to uaf, enter art competitions, take care of the baby. And within the next couple years i want to buy a house or a busines, live with my friends, and sell something i dont know what yet. And within you see how this isnt possible. Especially when youre already struggling with other things because life is hard to get through. For some people its not as difficult but for some people it might be impossible. It certainly would have been impossible for me if i was killed. Which i almost was, so sure i feel lucky to be alive, and so much more aware of my place in life

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