I can't even fuckin work out.
Just fucking kill me Jesus Christ. I hate myself.

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@okshaundi
I can't even fuckin work out.
Just fucking kill me Jesus Christ. I hate myself.
The story of Cats is that in the 1930s, the famous poet T.S. Eliot wrote a book of cutesy little cat-themed poems for his godchildren
And then 40 years later, Andrew Lloyd Webber found a lost cat poem that T.S. Eliot had cut from the cat book for being too sad for children, and ALW was like "woahhh. A cat....that's sad. That's deep, man. I wanna make a musical out of this"
So the producer assigned to the project was like "okay, I guess you could maybe read these cat poems as a satire of 1930s British society? We could probably do something sort of interesting with that, I'm thinking a cast of about 5 and--"
And ALW was like "no. Forget the satire. Also I want a cast of dozens and the most advanced special effects technology ever seen on stage. I've taken out a second mortgage on my house to fund this"
And the producer was like "wh-- you-- wh-- do you even have. a plot"
So ALW got a bunch of actors and writers and artists together and they holed up and did cocaine workshopped for 5 weeks, and at the end of it they emerged and said "the plot is that a bunch of cats are having a dance contest for the right to take a ufo to cat heaven :)"
and then it made 2 billion dollars.
This is Adam Erickson, pastor at the Clackamas United Church of Christ in Milwaukee, Oregon!
Finally. Some good fucking christians
OH WOW THIS IS BEAUTIFULĀ
i assume this is from a LARP, but this is still fuckin hilarious
This isnāt a LARP, itās a real sign in Forks, Washington that caused me to nearly crash my car as I drove past it
Questionā¦
as someone who was previously a middle-school girl I can clarify itās because Forks is where twilight is set
I love the weirdly specific rules that go with answering a riddle. Like, āI Have Two Eyes But I Cannot See: What Am I?ā And the answerās supposed to be the word āiridescentā because ātwo *i*āsā right, but like. Why canāt the answer be like⦠A guy with really bad cataracts. Someone wearing a blindfold. My uncleās dog. Like why does it gotta be deep
āI have a face but no eyes lips or nose, what am I?ā Slenderman. Next
It walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs in the evening. What is it? A dog with a muscular disease.
What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs? Snake.
What disappears when you say itās name? my brother when itās his turn to get the trash
I think you have missed the meaning of the riddles
Listen. Listen if Iām trapped between a wall of sentient fire and a goblin mage who will only reveal the one true path across the forbidden glade if I answer his riddles three, Iām not going to waste time struggling for the answer with the deepest life lesson. Iām gonna pick an answer that fits the criteria and Iām gonna stick with it. āA poor man has it and a rich man needs itā itās a flashlight. Theyāre in a cave. The poor man is a tour guide. Next Question before my ass burns off, Por Favour
This is the real way how ravenclaws get into their rooms
The secret to the ravenclaw riddles is that you donāt actually need to know āthe answerā, you just need to be able to defend the answer you give.
thatās the definition of being an English major
The result of the Ravenclaw common room door is a House full of students who can make up bullshit on the spot and defend it to the death using only three braincells and a complete absence of fucks, and the resulting agony this produces in the teachers is PRECISELY what Rowena Ravenclaw wanted.
I discovered that there was no Iron Giants with flower crowns which is a crime I mean look at him!!
How do you explain to someone that this is your sense of humor
I was wondering where this was going and lemme tell you I fell out of my chair
Iām sorry but this is the best possible way he could have broken up with you.
god i hate being alive i just wanna die in a national park under mysterious circumstancesĀ
ok im done being dramatic i finally started my homework and its not that bad
Dear diary,
How do I hate myself less? Because it's not working anymore.
Sincerely,
Me
AND my bagel bites are burnt. What the absolute fuck.
Why the fuck
Am I crying? I woke up crying. And I felt like crying at work. Now I'm hole in the chest pretending not to cry crying.
He doesn't want me. So why the fuck do I care?
Why am I like this?
My favorite form of torture
Is to go through social media of old best friends and make myself wanna die.
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk
HIII!!!
I fucking hate everything.
šš»
Iām missing a part of me