The Esoteric Encyclopedia of Nothing Much At All

Never stop asking unimportant things.

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Dear Ladies and Gentlemen and anyone anywhere Above or In Between - we are moving. 

Due to Tumblr’s deep hatred of me and my inability to transfer blogs from secondary to main (what a horrendous fate), I am moving this blog to it’s new home - under the same name. Since this blog is by far the most interesting and exciting of all blogs in existence, it NEEDS to be the main focus.

TheEsotericEncyclopediaofNothing now exists in a different location, under the same name. Thus why this blog is now OLDesotericencyclopedia. 

My posts have been reblogged to the new account, so no loss no foul. Fowl. No fowl. 

Please come and follow the new location to stay up to date on vampiric defecation research, whether werewolves get hairballs, and other unsolved mysteries that matter not at all. 

Much love. Cheers!

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Do Vampires Poop - Con’t

Lastly on our trip down blood sucking lane, let us look at the most well known, far reaching, and thoroughly hated of our little vampiric friends - the mosquito. 

Some mosquitoes have evolved into ectoparasites - they live off of another organism for sustenance and thusly cause said host some level of harm. Now, I know what you must be thinking. ALL mosquitoes are horrendous little parasites that deserve all the wrath round-up can throw at them. But, that’s where you’re wrong. Because only the female mosquitoes actually latch onto you and drink your precious life essence. 

You see, these feminine mosquitoes are, of course, able to ingest nutrients from blood, but they (along with their less...verocious male counterparts) also gain nutrients from plant nectar. They are not obligate hematophagists (I may have made that word up as well. And thus I am proud of myself). The one thing that lady mosquitoes get from their blood sucking is protein - a necessary component of egg production, and thus procreation. 

FUN FACT: Mosquitoes DO in fact, have preferences when it comes to blood. According to the all knowing Wiki page, they prefer Type O blood, heavy breathers (source?!), and pregnant women. Some scientists also believe there are other genetic markers that make people more delectable to these little creatures, and thus we inherit a swarm of mosquitoes from our forebears. Smashing!

The abdomen of a mosquito can hold up to 3 times its body weight in blood, and after it’s feast, now fueled with endless amounts of protein, will convert this blood into eggs. The eggs are housed in the exact same spot as the blood, so the eggs get that dark thirst started early, I suppose. 

The feeding method of the mosquito is well known to us all, having all felt that pinch when a lady mosquito sinks her proboscis into our epidermis. Ouch! The mosquito’s saliva is excreted, as with other vampiric creatures, and acts as an anticoagulant AND a wonderful transport for bloodborne pathogens. And itches like the devil, should the devil choose to be itchy. 

POOP TIME

The mosquito ingests both sugary nectars and blood. The sugary nectar is stored in the crop, just like our little leechy friends. The nectar is then released to help fuel the labor intensive process of blood digestion (the blood is stored in the stomach, the nectar in the crop, thus allowing the mosquito to never get too full of one and not have room for the other. Kind of like myself and my ability to eat 3 slices of pizza and STILL drink 6 beers. Evolution at work). 

For this illustration, I am going to pull a direct quote from the wiki page regarding mosquitoes, because the wording just tickled me beyond a fancy.

“-  like certain other insects that survive on dilute, purely liquid diets, notably many of the Hemiptera, many adult mosquitoes must excrete unwanted aqueous fractions even as they feed.”

I hate it when I must excrete unwanted aqueous fractions as I feed. Such an inconvenience. 

What that quote is saying is that mosquitoes, as with all the others, excrete liquid AS they feed. And this liquid, urine in layman's terms, has been processes so thoroughly by the body very little escapes the mosquito (in terms of nutrients). And, ladies and gentlemen and anyone anywhere above or in between, mosquitoes do, in fact, poop. The iron and other solids undigested are condensed into small pellets, which are released as necessary (to leave room for blood and babies). 

Mosquitoes poop, vampire bats poop, leeches poop. Everything that ingests excretes. The Conservation of Mass, right? The mass of a system must remain constant over time. But that’s not taking into consideration the finer points of quantum physics, special relativity, and a whole slew of other things I have absolutely no knowledge of. 

Are we done here? Absolutely not. The road hath just begun, and we are as curious as cats. But never fear, for our 9 lives have yet to be spent.

Cheers!

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Vampires of the World - Vrykolakas of Greece

A Greek demon, closely tied to it’s Slavic brothers the vampir, was the risen body of a dead person who lived a sacrilegious way of life. The vrykolakas legend helped originate some of the classic vampire characteristics, such as undecayed remains filled with “fresh blood” and death by stake to the heart. The vrykolakas would knock on your door, call your name, and wait for you to answer. Should you not, it will pass by. But, if you did answer after the first knock, you would surely die within a few days and you, yourself, would become a vrykolakas. 

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Do Vampires Poop - Cont’d

BLOODSUCKING MADE SIMPLE 

So we looked at our mammalian friend the vampire bat. What about other examples of hemagraphic creatures? (is...that word? Hemagraphic? It surely is now. Well done me.)

Leeches. Leeches are known far and wide as little blood sucking worms from hell. But they are also quite handy, and still used in some medicinal therapies. So, give the little grossies some credit.

Leeches have a very simple digestive system in comparison to a mammal. Because they’re leeches.

Obviously, a humanoid vampire would not have much in common with a leech. But, I did think a few points about the leech were worth mentioning here. 

The leech has a VERY slow moving digestive tract, and this means some leeches can subsist on a nice long bloody meal for up to a year. The blood is stored in a special organ called the Crop. Leeches create a nice anticoagulant the keep the stored blood from going all lumpy, and just digest it as they need it. Then, after that long period of time, the leeches expel whatever’s left. 

NOTE: The largest leeches weigh roughly 5 grams. Leeches normally ingest 5 to 15 milliliters of blood, or the equivalent in grams. Therefore, a leech eats its own body weight to 3 times its body weight in blood. If our strapping sexy man-pire did this, he would have to feed on 15 people to eat his full weight, and 47 people to triple his weight. Still better in the long run than the vampire bat’s requirements, population wise. But imagine the mess?!

So, in this example, vampire could potentially poop, but only on the rare occasion. 

On the last leg of our journey into animal’s that share a love of all things bloody, we will look at the most famous and most despised of all the blood drinkers. The mosquito.  Stay tuned - you’ll be positively itching with excitement. 

Cheers!

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Vampires of the World -  Soucouyant of The Caribbean Islands

via - Trinbago Stories 

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Vampires of the World - Nukekubi of Japan

via -  Bakemono no e or  Bakemonozukushie

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Do Vampires Poop?

THE SCIENCE : SOME FACTS ABOUT BLOOD SUCKERS  

The act of feeding on blood is called hematophagy (HEE-MATT-OH-FAGE-EE) It exists in most branches of the animal kingdom. Think mosquitoes, leeches, lampreys, and vampire bats. 

FUN FACT: The type of feeding, utilizing specialized structures to extract blood for digestion is called phlebotomy. Yes, that phlebotomy. Like when you get blood drawn at a lab. You’re being phlebotomized.

Many of these little vampires use what’s called hemo biochemical solutions, which help keep the blood from coagulating too soon, and also to serve as a mild anesthetic so the blood-suckee won’t be as apt to say “Hey, could you maybe not?”.

But what about the poop? 

Let’s look at our mammalian example, seeing as vampires would...I suppose be considered mammals. Right?

Or are they? They’re not warm blooded...unless they are? I’m gonna have to write more essays.

Vampire bats ingest almost half their body weight during a meal. According to multiple sources, the vampire bat begins to urinate within a few minutes after feeding. This helps to alleviate the sheer scale of liquid absorbed form their meal. This specific evolution most likely happened to help aid the vampire bat in taking flight once the meal was done. Because, let us remember, our fair little friend just doubled her bodyweight. 

Note: If say, a 180 pound strapping stud of a vampire man did the same, he would have to ingest roughly 90 pounds of blood. That’s 1,440 ounces. Or 42.6 liters ( 11.25 gallons for you filthy yankees). The human stomach can usually hold somewhere around 4 liters of fluid when fully distended, roughly one gallon.

The average human has anywhere between 4.5 - 5.5 liters of blood in their body (1.2 - 1.5). Thus, our strapping vampire man would need to feast on roughly 8 ½ humans to complete his meal.

Fascinating!

After their initial tinkle, the vampire bat will usually return to their colony to rest and finish digesting. And this final stage of digestion consists their bodies creating a sort of SUPER pee, full of urea (formed in the liver, the final stage of protein metabolism, and blood is quite protein rich for all of you low carb fans out there).  

And our little furry flying friends must repeat this process every two days lest they wither away and die. I imagine someone would notice if over 1,500 people went missing every year PER vampire. If there were just 100 vampires in the world, that would be almost 200 thousand people! Per year! Ghastly, isn’t it?

So, long story short? Vampire bats kind of poop. From what I could discern in my thrilling studies, it is more of an ammonia laced waterfall of death.  Their diet is entirely liquid based, and with the addition of specialized digestive evolutionary traits, the bats are able to fully digest or break down most of what humans could not. 

So either vampires would constantly be peeing, or we have more to consider. You can actually see a beautiful representation of this idea in Guillermo Del Toro's “The Strain”, where vampires are peeing pooping piles of disgusting. That’s where that logic derives from, I’m guessing.

FUN FACT: If we follow the science of vampire bats, our mammalian brothers in blood, then vampires would also be pretty immune to most bloodborne pathogens. The vampire bat has not only evolved to be an obligate vampiric little cutie, it’s digestive tract has such a massive biome of bacteria it is pretty safe from most pathogens. So vampires won’t get malaria. Cool.

Join us next time for a look into leeches, mosquitoes, and other almost entirely irrelevant things. 

Cheers!

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Do Vampires Poop?

The Science: An Introduction

Let us first look at the question from a human-based anatomy standpoint.

Digestion takes place through ingesting food via our mouths (for most people. There are other methods to gain nutrients, but the science behind the how remains roughly the same), and it then travels down our esophagus and into our stomachs. The food then mixes with all the fun stomach acids and such, and continues its journey. The intestines extract the water and nutrients from digesting food, and those nutrients are absorbed into your bloodstream. The undigested food and leftovers travel through the large intestine to their final destination of your rectum. And boom, poop is born.

So there you have it. You now know more about digestion than your average doctor in medieval times. 

But! - We all scream in unison, vampires are NOT human. So how humans digest food is moot and therefore those aforementioned facts do not hold true for our mythological creatures of the night.

True, true. But let’s try to focus on what matters from that comically oversimplified lesson. Food ingestion produces waste. Where do we go from there?

NEXT UP: A TITILLATING LOOK AT BLOODSUCKING

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Love is in the air. 

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The sacrifice for beauty. 

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Caught me creepin’

Henry Fuseli - The Nightmare

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Her face.

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Do Vampires Need to Poop? A Study in Three Parts.

It’s a question for the ages. Do Vampires, in fact, need to go #2? Inquiring minds want to know. And this mind is on the case.

For my first written entry in this long journey, let us look at why this question matters. 

#1 - Propriety

If you invite a vampire into your home (as any good host would), you want to make sure you are prepared. 

Do they need blood? Will you offer up your own or will you have a nice stock of say, Type O Negative for them to peruse?

Will they need a rest? Perhaps think about investing in a one size fits all casket. (I highly suggest a casket, as coffins may not be comfortable for the larger of legs).

But what if they need the bathroom?

I think we all can agree if they do, in fact, need to use the facilities, we should make accommodations for them. 

Remove any silver backed mirrors you might have floating around

Make sure to segregate your elaborate crucifix collection to another room

 Remove your garlic scented hand soap for their visit. 

Welldone.

But now we are faced with the question, will your vampire-ready powder room require vampire ready toilet paper?

Let us continue.

#2 - Consistency

Let’s be candid here. We all know Anne Rice wrote one type of vampire - 

Bram Stoker wrote another. 

And that’s not even speaking of Del Torro, Meyers, Harris, Hamilton, Atwater-Rhodes, or even Sesame Street

 (2, there are 2 ways of using the bathroom) 

Each author creates a different and vibrant take on the lore of the vampire. And some do speak to the vampire defecation question, while others gloss over it entirely. 

I, for one, fear consistency on a primal level. But, to enable the #1 of our list, we must have some semblance of it when entertaining guests.

#3 - Curiosity

The concept of the vampire is a concept based entirely on myth, legend, and lore. But, as someone who likes to pretend they are intelligent on a regular basis, I often find myself at odds with scientific inconsistencies. I want to delve into the science behind vampiric defecation, look at real world examples and mythological tales and try to find some common ground.

Yes, there have been multiple attempts to answer this question, of that I am aware. But there are those pesky contradictions and not-the-point style arguments littering the field. Either one takes NO supernatural aspects into account, or far too many. Consistency. Research. Constant vigilance. 

I will take up the charge, sort through the evidence and arguments and work to compile it into one steaming heap of platelets and coagulation.

Let us begin. Let us dive deep into the sewers, chew on some rats because we despise our predatory nature, and try to discern what happens to all that plasma we just binged on.

Cheers.