𖤓 ⋆˚࿔ Sound of Your Voice ⋆˚࿔ 𖤓
Summary~ after the confession, Dean is lost and he doesn’t know what do to anymore
Warnings~ depressive episode, slight self harm (scratching), bleeding, talks of suicide, many chick flick moments. Dean is very sad. Very bad grammar
Not finished will be working on more parts, also posted on ao3
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“I love you” the words rotted in Dean's ears even if it was hard to still hear it in Castiel's voice. Everywhere he turned he felt like he was being watched by the angel. If Dean thought about it he truly did love him too, but when he realized it, it was too late as Cas was dead. Dean didn't understand love, he never received it, only in short bursts that happened in dirty motel rooms just to be forgotten the next morning. Love wasn't something Dean thought he could need or want but right now he's longing for it, longing for Castiel, his gruff voice that he's seen as comfort after he was pulled from Hell. Every morning he expects Cas to be on the couch watching stupid cartoons or listening to the music dean gave him, but he's just not there because he's empty. Sometimes when Dean closes his eyes he prays he closes them so tight it hurts.
“Come back please” he mutters his voice so soft and quiet it scares him. “I need you here. I don't care what state you are in, I just need you. please Cas” what scared him more was the tears that streamed down his face. He wiped them away aggressively like the water coming from his eyes was physically hurting him as if it was acid. “How could you tell me you love me and then leave” He flinched as he raised his voice, talking to a shadow that wasn’t there. “I love you too, I'm so sorry Cas. Please come back. I can't do this without you. You're my best friend. I love you damn it.” He felt breathless like someone had a hold of his lungs causing his breaths to be short and rasped. He felt like he was suffocating. He could feel the world around coming closer, his whole world was collapsing and he knew it was. He gripped the floor beneath him as his legs gave out and he was no longer able to stand as his knees made connection to the floor with a big thud. His hands were scraping at the wooden planks nails digging into the floor.
There was a knock on his bedroom door that he barely heard in this state “Dean?” Sam's voice sounded as if he was underwater to Dean’s panicking ears. “Hey you good?” Sam put his ear to the door knocking again before coming in. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight he was about to take in. His big brother gasping for air clinging to the floor so hard his nails are starting to bleed. Sam ran up to dean hesitant to grab dean but decided to anyways. “Dean! Stop you're hurting yourself man!” Sam grabbed Dean's arm which he jumped to like he hasn't been calling his name.
“GET OUT!” Dean yelled in a deep voice as soon as he came back to reality tears were still streaming down his face “please just get out,” he pleads again but this time in a more exhausted tone. Sam listened with a worried look on his face. He's seen Dean like this before and knew nothing good would come from him staying. Once Dean was by himself again he was able to ground himself letting him breath in the air and letting it fill his lungs.
He grabbed his computer and looked up weird deaths, scrolling through finding hunts, the only thing he ever knew. He found one, 3 kids dead, blood completely drained from their bodies. Perfect vampires whats better then beheading a monster it’s free therapy.
Dean didn't get much sleep that night; he hardly slept for an hour straight. Every time he woke up he would shove his headphones deeper in his ears and turn Led Zeppelin all the way up. He woke up in the morning with a shutter like he felt eyes on him, eyes he's felt for years and then suddenly they were gone all he felt on him was cold. He could imagine looking into them and seeing the whole ocean, where the water met the horizon, he saw people being happy, maybe in another life that would be him happy on the beach with his toes in the sand, maybe he would even have a ring on his finger, sitting next to his best friend.
He just stared at the ceiling for a long minute thinking about all the things that could have been, and what never will be. He's been praying more lately, most of it is just his anger, he never really knew what to say when he prayed most of it was for Castiel telling him, he needs to get down here, he needs him. Of course nothing ever happened, cas was dead, because Cas saved him. Dean got out of his bed throwing the blanket messily over the bed and walking to the bathroom splashing water over his face, “get it together Dean” he says looking in the mirror staring down his reflection. He washes the dried blood from his broken nails.
“Are you sure you are up for this?” Sam looked worried, it seems like he always does nowadays, you have to be that worried when your brother is as self destructive as Dean is.
“Of course I'm ‘up for this’ I’ve been hunting my whole life” Dean huffed, throwing his duffle bag in the back of Baby.
“Im just saying Dean it’s okay to take breaks.” Sam shook his head as he was speaking, Dean knew this would start some kind of conversation that could be categorized as a chick flick moment.
“When we take breaks people die.” Dean didn’t shout but his tone was just as effective as if he was, “Know what Sam, you can drive since you’re so worried.” And with that he tossed the keys to his younger brother. Sam looked confused, annoyed and worried all at once, but he still took the keys and got in the car. Dean opened the passenger door and pressed his head to the window as Sam started his prized possession.
It didn’t take long for Dean to fall asleep after the countless nights where he hasn’t gotten any. The impala has always been soothing, reminding him of simpler times, when he thought that the thing in his closet couldn’t possibly be real. Or the times when he thought nothing bad could ever happen, because he didn't know better, yet. His mother with her music playing singing long and looking back patting Dean’s little knee with the song rhythm, he tried to sing the big words that his toddler mouth couldn’t exactly form but she always looked so proud at him for trying even when he was just blappering.
“Dean” a soft but raspy voice called out for him, it echoed in his mind. He turned around as quickly as he could and there he was sitting on his bed. If anyone saw him like this right now they would know immediately that he’s an angel. He looked just perfect; he looked untouched like nothing had happened, his trench coat didn’t even have one wrinkle. Oh and his eyes were just as memorizing as always, like he could see the whole ocean just from looking into this man, no, angel’s eyes. He wasn’t sure how this was happening and he definitely didn’t want to question it, scared this miracle would vanish right before his eyes.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice was cracking, the angel’s hand came up to Dean’s face, holding his cheek. “Where have you been? We looked everywhere for you, man. I thought you were gone.” Dean is leaning into Cas’ touch now like he needs it. Cas opens his mouth to reply, his lips are moving like he’s talking, but there’s no words. Dean looks at him worriedly but Cas just keeps talking like nothing is wrong, Dean tries to substitute Castiel’s voice into the words that he's trying to say but it dawns on him, he doesn’t remember. It's been so long he doesn’t remember Cas’ voice. “Cas please say something, anything, please.” His heart was heavy as he looked at Castiel’s face; it didn't even seem like he heard him. “Cas please!” Dean was sobbing grabbing onto his angel’s coat but it slipped through his fingers like the fabric was made out of sand
Dean was alone in his bedroom, he couldn’t breathe, his heart was pounding just like it did that day he couldn’t feel anything but the dread the pain, the hopelessness-
“DEAN!” Sam shouted, shoving his brother, “Dude I've been calling your name for like a solid 10 minutes. It looked like you couldn’t breathe.” There's that worried look again, the classic Sam face, you would never have guessed Dean is the older brother right now.
“Where is he?” Dean asks frantically. His hands are shaking and he’s looking around the car, because they weren’t in his room. Cas was never there, because he’s gone.
“Where’s who?” Sam looks like he’s ready to pull the car over. “Dean no one is here” Sam halfway scoffed
“Damnit I know that!” Dean shouts it came out of nowhere so much so Sam almost flinched, he definitely looked away from Dean.
“Cas is dead, Dean.” Sam said way too casually, ‘how could he just say that’ Dean thought, but his thoughts were screaming and yelling, scratching to get out. “You can’t just keep doing this, no sleep, no eating, just drinking and hunting you're going to get yourself killed.” Sam was concerned and it was evident on every feature of his face.
“Yeah? Well then at least I’d be with him.” Dean couldn’t have relied in a sharper tone, he was serious, he didn't mean for the words to come out until they did. The car stopped, pulled to the side of the road so quickly Baby’s brakes were hissing in protest
“Don’t say that, don’t just give up. When have we ever given up?” Sam looked at his older brother and truly looked this time, saw the tired look in his eyes the same look he’d get after asking for more cereal over dinner when he was little. The eye bags that were from years of watching over instead of sleeping. “I’m sorry he’s gone, but I’m not sorry you’re here.” Sam’s breath was a deep exhale that came from the bottom of his lungs.
“I miss him so much and if not for me he’d still be here he died saving me!” Dean was sobbing, he let out his own shaking breath, “it’s my fault.” He looked away from Sam, he didn’t want to see the pity smeared on his face.
“It’s not your fault, Dean, he made that deal to save Jack, he just chose to save you too.”
Thank you guys so much for reading, if you like it please like it so I know to write more!!!!