Ollie Writes

My name is Ollie. I'm a 32 year old writer. As such, this blog will be my place to help others with writing and roleplaying as well as to post more personal things related to my own life and writing. I hope you find it beneficial. Don't be afraid to shoot me an ask! Daniel Sharman is currently my mascot for this account. I have no affiliation with him or Teen Wolf. Facebook || Twitter || Instagram || Last.Fm || YouTube

[ollie-writes]

The answer is easy.

It's making it work that isn't.

[ollie-writes]

I feel like I'm falling apart I feel like my insides are being ripped to shreds And I don't know who I am anymore Nor do I know who I want to be

I just know I look at you and everything stops

Until it doesn't And everything is worse than it ever was. Until it's your name calling out a symphony of hatred And I can't breathe anymore.

[ollie-writes]

I’ve spent thirty two years of life in a body that’s wrong The wrong texture of skin, the wrong curves where it should be smooth, The body is okay, it would be fine on someone who wanted it, But when you look down at a girl when you’re a boy - It changes you. It changes everything. It makes you start to hate yourself.

Sometimes I think about your hands on me The shame I would feel at you reaching for chest and finding breast, The way I would react to fingertips I’ve wanted to feel on me for years. I’ve been craving you and your presence since before I knew you But every time someone touches me I want to explode into bits and die.

Then I thought some more, my hands reaching for spaces yours would If you were really in this bed and your fingers were really a tangible thing in space. I realized I wanted them there. I want you to erase all the parts of me I hate By filling them with your hands, your mouth, your body Because nothing you were in the presence of could be wrong anymore.

I want to feel fingers gripping at my waist, lips on neck, Expanses of never touched flesh have been waiting for you to spark a desire One that’s bigger than the hatred I’ve lived for decades. Because I want you on every inch of me, in every inch of me, I want to be saturated in you Maybe when I am that will be enough to stop the ringing in my head.

And even if not, I’m selfish enough about the fact that I need your touch Not to fucking care if my gender should be a problem there somewhere. My desire to make you moan my name into pillows while I bite down on your clavicle Is way fucking bigger than my desire to  do anything – to care about anything else I never knew I could feel like this. I never knew someone like you existed.

[ollie-writes]

The meds aren’t working They just aren’t fucking working anymore I watch my demons dragging me to bed And I’m too tired to even try to stop them I am too apathetic and broken to care if I live or die

[ollie-writes]

Fuck you for making assumptions about who I am And fuck you more for making generalizations about who she is Because her name isn’t fit to touch your filthy fucking lips The utterance would make it less than it’s worth and I can’t stand that idea

You had five years of my life to rip me into pieces and fuck me up Yet you want a few more? You expect me to bow to your hatred? I don’t think you have a fucking clue what you’re doing And I’m goddamn sure that’s been the same for a decade of whatever we were.

Friendsalmostloverspartnersabusivepiecesofshitfallingout You tore my fucking heart out and fed me poison that broke me from inside So why don’t you fucking leave me alone already I’m cutting you out of my life. I’m cutting you out of my present

You can be goddamn sure you aren’t welcome in the future.

[ollie-writes]

I wonder what it would be like to watch you sleeping

I think it would end my life with the casual beauty of it

I’m pretty sure I’d be alright with that ending to the story

[ollie-writes]

Up and down Spin fucking cycle Am I on a teeter totter? Because the last time I ended up with a twisted ankle And lots of tears

Would a twisted heart be worse?

[ollie-writes]

I have spent my day on tears Seconds, minutes, hours of salt water My eyes are raw and rubbed I miss you the most at five am When I can’t sleep I can’t sleep a lot anymore.

[ollie-writes]

Break me into a fucking thousand pieces if you have to I’ll let you fling me into fire, off of a cliff, into water above my head I am drowning for you. I am gasping breaths that will never reach my lungs.

But don’t you dare fucking give me hope and then rip it away Like I never deserved it at all.

[ollie-writes]

A romantic. The boy with the heart on his sleeve. He has to die. He has to be shaken to bones and made to see the mistake of his existence. Pummel him and scream at him and take away the ones he loves Make him hurt until he can’t love anymore. Make him mourn every loss for eternity. The world wasn’t made for boys with hearts It was made for those who want to break them. Tear me apart so I never make the same mistake again.

[ollie-writes]

I’m curled up on my couch My feet are freezing and The television is blaring an infomercial I just keep thinking about those words That ripped me apart and Made me wonder if I’m sicker than I thought

Am I just as bad as he was? Do I break them into pieces and If I do, can I live with myself still?

Thoughts multiple and add themselves My brain is running too fast and I wonder what this looks like from outside

Salvation takes the form of someone familiar Except for when it doesn’t and Your eyes are so full of tears you can’t blink

I feel like I haven’t blinked all day My mouth is dry and There’s nothing to stop me from being parched

I am lost. Either way, I am lost.

[ollie-writes]

Sometimes the little things are the ones to hold on to Like using the same kind of toothpaste as your girlfriend a billion miles away The fact that you both fall asleep the same way And the way she puts her phone under her pillow and says it’s sleeping next to you

Sometimes when everything is hard you forget just how much you have Until someone makes a remark and puts the brilliance of life into perspective Maybe I’m poor and sick sometimes, but I have the most amazing people who love me And somehow I’m allowed to love them back, somehow I’m better than I was

[ollie-writes]

I forget who I am sometimes For seconds, minutes, hours, But never for days, weeks, and months Even if I wish I could forget forever.

Every time I step in front of a mirror I see who I really am outside The flesh hanging from bones In ways that other boy’s don’t

Piercing blue eyes, dark hair on jaw, But there is no bulge at my crotch I don’t have an adam’s apple Even when I wish and hope for it for days.

Nobody sees the imperfections, I can’t let anyone into my world But I know the anatomy is all wrong And it rips my brains to pieces.

How are you supposed to be confident When you’re everything you aren’t supposed to be? How the fuck do you breathe When nothing about you is right?

Lots of guys says they’re cool being trans, It makes them special or different. Me? I just want to be like everyone else I want to wake up without these demons.

[ollie-writes]

I'm going to re-do this blog sometime soon and start posting again. More roleplay related stuff and personal writing.

[creationdoodler]

jooba’s teenage angst jams

listen | photo credit

01. bad kids - black lips || 02. teenagers from mars - the misfits || 03. fight for your right - beastie boys || 04. holiday - green day || 05. i just want to have something to do - ramones || 06. rise above - black flag || 07. teenagers - my chemical romance || 08. beat on the brat - ramones || 09. smells like teen spirit - nirvana || 10. give ‘em hell, kid - my chemical romance || 11. pork and beans - weezer || 12. disposable teens - marilyn manson || 13. seventeen - sex pistols || 14. my generation - the who

[writeworld-blog]

Writer’s Block

A picture says a thousand words. Write them.

Mission: Write a story, a description, a poem, a metaphor, a commentary, or a critique about this picture. Write something about this picture.

Be sure to tag writeworld in your block!

[janjan100ever-deactivated201905]