OMFGregg

Fellatio's Amazing. Make Grilled Cheese For You. The Best.

[omfgregg-blog]

I Just Want Us To Be Cool

What up, 2016? You’re definitely the weird dude at the party, huh? I come at you from a place of contemplation, I think I used to be like you. I saw (sometimes I still see) things in extremes. I know nothing is how black and white you are. You need to see it differently too because we’ve seen where people like you end up. 2016, If you were a movie character you would be Joe Pesci but at like the end of the movie, when his body is 97% cocaine and deceit.

This election is actually unbelievable, everyone always says that but this is actually the most insane thing that has ever happened in my 31 years here. 9/11 was more insane but this has been 18 months of planes crashing into every building. We laugh because what else can we do? But for real, we need to stop being like 2016.

2016 is all stressed out at work and drinking too much and can’t just sit still, take a breath, and really take in how good he actually has it. 2016 is Kevin James complaining about his beautiful 25 year old wife. 2016 is the Cubs winning the World Series for the first time in over one-hundred years and instead of enjoying it for just a second you gotta be like, ‘Can they repeat, though?!?!’

STFU, 2016. It is more than just the election. We can’t agree about anything. Not politics, we can’t agree that sometimes there are some bad civil servants out there who sometimes use too much force on people who don’t look like them. We can’t agree that peacefully protesting a perceivably racist song doesn’t make you a piece of shit. That maybe corporations shouldn’t run prisons for profit. And we certainly can’t get to a place where people who fundamentally disagree can still talk to each other. We can’t agree that we have it better than we think and that we have it better than we probably deserve.

If we start from a place in which we actually appreciate what we have it is easy to see the room we have to fall. Generally, the angriest, least patient, least empathetic people who I come across have the most room to fall. And historically the higher up someone is the worse things they will do to stay there. We need to realize how good we have it and how much worse it could get.

I just want us to be cool, you guys. I don’t think most of you are racist hillbilly douchebags even if you think I’m a “liberal hippy pussy” (direct quote). When you stand for that flag you are standing up for all of it, not just the parts that you like. Whether you like it or not, you are standing up for the people who refuse to do so. I think we should start there.

When Trump announced his candidacy I just so happened to be off that day and watched the press conference because I thought it would be funny and I was right, it was. The clip generalizing all Mexicans as rapists and thieves and murderers that has been played to death sounded like Ann Coulter had written it. I thought it would definitely be disqualifying. I only found out a couple of months ago that Ann Coulter had in fact written almost exactly that in her book 'Adios America', Trump had taken his immigration policy almost verbatim from someone who can't think of a good burn on Pete Davidson.

No matter what you think, ideas on both sides are more polished and stronger because of years of disagreements between rednecks and bleeding hearts. I don't expect everyone to agree about everything but if we start all the way at hate we have a long way to fall. Love you all.

RIP 2016:

[omfgregg-blog]

Songs That Will Ruin Your Summer 2015: Where Have All the Bangers Gone?

There are just too many things to be upset about this Summer, I turn 30 in July, the Sixers only have one first round draft pick, but worst of all there are absolutely no bangers out there. Not a one banger. Where are the Carley Raes, Icona Pops, the Mileys? Where are you (God-help me) fun.?! The following is a result of the death of the music industry as some sort of metaphor for my own mortality--If you're not rocking Illuminati-level credibility by now then why even bother? Here are the un-Taylor Swift, anti-Meghan Trainor, sort-of songs of the Summer, so far, I guess.

Trap Queen -- Fetty Wap

Let me take you back to the Summer of 2004, America had been through 9-11, the beginning of two wars against--well--brown people, and was about to re-elect the worst president of any of our lifetimes. At the Democratic National Convention, though, the most unlikely--well--brown person came up to give the key-note address propelling himself to the most unlikely successful presidential nominee of any of our lifetimes. Really the only problem with his eventual candidacy was his name: Barack Hussein Obama.

So the whole point of that was that Fetty Wap has a name that some people will never be able to get past and will inevitably hinder his overall success in his chosen profession. Here is the Fetty Wap DNC blog-post by Rembert. If Fetty Wap went by say Frank Ocean he would have already musically universalized healthcare, federally legalized gay marriage, pardoned all non-violent offenders and raised the minimum wage to $20.25/hr.

But, you know, his name is Fetty Wap. He has the #2 song in the nation and (be honest) this is the first time you've heard of him. Thanks to 'Trap Queen' the word 'bando' has been permanently added to my lexicon which will not go under-utilized.

So 'Trap Queen' as far as I can tell is actually a very sweet song about finding that street-smart female you can share your kitchen, Lamborghinis, drug-running operations, and strip-club adventures with.

Most Disturbing Lyrics: I just left the mall, I'm gettin' fly with my baby, yeaaahhh And I can ride with my baby I be in the kitchen cookin' pies with my baby

In my painstaking research for this I found out that "cookin' pies" refers to kilos of cocaine but if you are an urban musician with LITERALLY ONE EYE you should just say you were baking up some cocaine, that's what you do with coke right? You bake it? Whatever, when Rap Genius archives get deleted somehow you're going to look ridiculous, Fetty Wap.

Shut Up and Dance -- WALK THE MOON

This song has been out for a while but it has "Summer Resurgence" written on it harder than The Terminator and The Rock combined. It's catchy, basically family friendly, and has the completely harmless third-wave New Wave sound that will keep it on the radio through Labor Day.

It's super-fitting that about half-way through they just give up and start using the Saved by the Bell intro credits background because this guy wants to be Zack Attack so bad. He's got Zack's hair, Slater's dimples, and Screech's dance moves. It's times like these I'm glad Casio is still making keyboards so guys like this can do the summer tour circuit and then go back to never doing that again. Times I'm not grateful Casio still makes keyboards include listening to my three year-old neighbor practice Mary Had a Little Lamb all goddamn week, she's getting pretty good to be fair.

Most Disturbing Lyrics: A backless dress and some beat up sneaks, My discothèque, Juliet teenage dream.

NOPE! No one is this person, you're not a Goonie all grown up and neither is anyone you're singing about. If you were a Goonie all grown-up you would be Corey Feldman or dead. I'm sorry your "the 80s" didn't stick, but they didn't.

We were victims of the night, The chemical, physical, kryptonite

You can just say Kryptonite, ask 3 Doors Down, also you just rhymed night with nite and everyone noticed and they are laughing at you.

Honey, I'm Good -- Andy Grammer

Don't even play this song, you already know what Cotton Eye Joe sounds like.

Let me just describe what is going to happen in your life simply from this song existing. Because if you are invited to any Basic (Capital B) Wedding from now until the End Times you will hear this song. In fact, people who claim to care about your wellbeing will actually go up to a DJ, a music professional--on purpose mind you--and demand a ballroom full of people are made to listen to this song IN ITS ENTIRETY!! They won't even know the name of the song, but they will go up to this poor guy accusing him of not doing his job correctly. They are going to be all like, "Um, excuse me why haven't you played the Cotton Eye Joe Love Song yet?!" They won't even ask if he has this song because they know he has it...He knows they know he has it but maybe he wanted to give people a break after playing YMCA, Electric Slide, and the Chicken Dance consecutively. Anyway, DO NOT BE THE PERSON WHO REQUESTS HONEY, I'M GOOD AT A WEDDING.*

*DISCLAIMER: I did not mention Shout, Shout is fucking amazing, always play Shout at your wedding

Most Disturbing Lyrics: Now better men, than me have failed Drinking from that unholy grail (Now check it out) I got her, and she got me And you’ve got that ass, but I kindly Gotta be like oh, baby, no, baby, you got me all wrong, baby

Nobody's got you wrong Andy Grammer, you're a scumbag and you cheated on your significant other approximately 7 seconds after writing this song, assuming you wrote it and didn't dictate your puesdo-scatting into an older-generation iPhone. Filed under: Songs that Will Acutally Ruin the Rest of Your Life.

[omfgregg-blog]

The End of Parks and Recreation and Harris Wittels

...But I just think motherfuckers want to laugh. - Harris Wittels

Well, this has been a week...Today is the day my girlfriend and I sign the lease for our new apartment, it is also the day we say goodbye to our favorite TV show Parks and Recreation. This may not seem like a terribly eventful day but it is a day I have been both looking forward to and dreading for quite awhile.

Taking the former, for me this represents my glacial-paced transition to adulthood, as someone who lived with my parents well into my 27th year, signing my first 2-bedroom apartment lease must feel like closing on a starter home used to. Latter-er-ally, the Parks and Rec finale has been on my radar for long enough to not be considered too traumatic but it will be an unavoidable feels-fest from 10-11pm EST.

I had been mentally prepared for the end of Parks and Rec until late last week when a suspected heroin overdose claimed the life of Executive Producer/Writer Harris Wittels. Thanks to the age we live in and my podcast listening rotation I feel comfortable saying that I know more about Harris than I know about people I consider close friends.

My girlfriend introduced me to Comedy Bang Bang which is a podcast I frankly did not understand until she made me listen to all of the Harris-featured episodes one after another. He made me laugh in a way--so fully, so heartily--that was previously reserved for friends I had grown up with my entire life, people whose experiences had correlated so closely with my own.

This makes sense, Harris was only 30 years-old, I turn 30 in July; a particularly sobering detail that I kept coming back to whenever I thought about his death. Harris has written for immensely talented comedians Sarah Silverman, Danny McBride, Amy Poehler, Louis CK, Aziz Ansari, Zach Galifianakis, Barack Obama (on Between Two Ferns), and countless others who have made you laugh with Harris’ jokes. Most of these people (I’m not sure about Barry) unanimously envied him as the most effortlessly funny person they had ever met.

His humor was best described as a silly darkness of punny one-liners, like if Mitch Hedberg grew up with the internet. A chilling comparison considering how both of these hilarious people died.

The day after his death I went searching for Harris content that I hadn’t heard before and landed on this amazing interview he did right before his death about his addiction, the Church of Scientology trying to exploit his addiction, and struggles dealing with life in general. He echos something I have been thinking about a lot lately. To paraphrase: On a hundred-billion-year timeline what does it matter if I live 80 years, 50 years, or 30 years?

Just to hear him be serious and pseudo-philosophize in the same way I was doing knocked me out of whatever Seasonal Affective Disorder February had levied against me. What could be construed as a depressing thought had the opposite effect on me. Those years contain opportunities to succeed and fuck up and have fun and be with people you genuinely love and mourn the people you lose. Life sucks, it’s also awesome and you can do whatever you want with it. The time is so completely yours. He gave me this in addition to actual days worth of laughter.

Harris knew the next shot could kill him but he did it anyway and a lot of people are mad at him for it, but I couldn’t possibly be upset for depriving us of more him. Heroin isn’t the problem, drugs aren’t the problem, the human condition is imperfect and being the funniest person in the room has got to be a lonely place. I used to think that suicide was a selfish act but the people who say that are selfish. It is selfish to live and maybe the trick is to give yourself permission to be a little self-centered without being a dick about it.

At the risk of stereotyping, I feel like all gay people are just attracted to people of their own gender.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 28, 2014

I wanted to write about Parks and Recreation’s creator Michael Schur being a genius finding beauty, humor, and meaning in the mundane, Ron Swanson’s pyramid of manliness, Andy and April’s weird and wonderful relationship, and Leslie Knope being the perfect public servant but it’s all there forever to binge watch whenever you get snowed-in or when you’re home sick or homesick. And Harris Wittels wrote all the (like Mike and Omar taking out the trash) Good Epps. Rest in peace and thank you.

[omfgregg-blog]

Six Feet Under vs. The Wire: The Setup

I will do anything to make you watch The Wire and as proof this challenge was laid down by my friend Caitlin. She will watch every episode of “The Wire”; a show she already decided she didn’t like which is unfathomable. While I watch every episode of “Six Feet Under"; a show I already decided I hated, and will write a blog post halfway through each season to make sure we’re actually watching. This isn’t completely arbitrary both shows started around the same time, both shows are five seasons and both closely examine human nature in an interesting way. The only difference is that The Wire is the greatest piece of art God felt the grace to grant the world. So say us all. Caitlin in italics...

Caitlin: I have very few prerequisites for becoming utterly obsessed with a show. These days, I generally like a British accent but really, I usually have to be tricked or cajoled into watching something new. If my friends were not such pop culture superstars, I’d still be watching re-runs of the X-files, swooning over Mulder in those ridiculous speedos he would sometimes wear. To be clear, I still do that, just not as much as I would? It’s still probably too much.

I tried to watch The Wire two years ago after Gregg wouldn’t shut up about it. I watched the first episode, lost interest and decided it wasn’t for me because it had no vampires, British accents or dream sequences. I think I believed it was more of a procedural than a complex drama, which I would not be into. Upon re-watching the first episode along with the next six I’m way more invested than before. I chalk this up largely to my copious note-taking and research into the character’s names, which is excessive to say the least. Today I sifted through my 3 ½ pages of Wire notes, which remain largely unintelligible.

Gregg called it when he said my first quote written down would be “Dis America, man”. Bless. What strikes me about the show is the interplay between the two opposing groups of police and drug dealers and how terrible I feel for characters on both sides. Bubbles, already, feels like a really tragic figure as does his smackhead friend who I suppose is missing some organs now. Straight off there are people on both side who are equally terrifying: Lieutenant Cedric Daniels is an imposing figure as is Avon Barksdale, who for the first few episodes remains a mystery to detectives. At one point I wrote down “Who the fuck is Avon Barksdale?” even though I’m fairly sure he was already introduced. I’m a bit obsessed with Omar already, which may be a result of being conditioned to be obsessed with him. “Just Omar, he don’t need no last name”.

There were two scenes that really solidified my ability to continue watching the show. First, the scene where the only dialogue was “fuck” made me laugh hysterically. The scariest scene in my opinion was Pryzbylewski and cronies being pelted from above at the towers. Aside from these scenes, I like a lot about the show! I like the nine minute theme song, I like McNulty and his giant alcoholic mouth*; I like D’Angelo Barksdale and how I sort of want to give that name to my first born child. As of now, I doubt The Wire will make me cry hysterically in the same way Six Feet Under did. In the meantime I’ll continue to take an embarrassing amount of notes.

Hardest character so far: Kima, no question. Runner up: Stringer Bell, since I like a bad boy.

*This weekend I was watching one of the 900 BBC shows I watch and ran across McNulty (Dominic West) in one of them. “He’s British!”, I gasped. Did I subconsciously know this? Does that explain my love? Or is it his giant mouth? Everyone on the show is actually British, Caitlin.

Six Feet Under: This is about the untimely death of a funeral director (amazing! right?!) who leaves his business to both of his sons. One son: Nate Fisher is a pre-hipster home from Seattle. He’s played by Casey from Sports Night. Nate picks up some harlot named Brenda on his way off of the plane who somehow becomes a thing that represents--well--something, I'm sure it's important. The other brother, David is an uptight closeted gay guy who stayed around to help run the family business. David is played by serial-killer killer Dexter. The daughter, Claire, is the youngest and comic relief. And then there is the Mom--Ruth who is the momingest mom who ever Mom’d and may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

So true to my word I watched the first 6 episodes and this is what happened: Six Feet Under Season 1:

Episode 1: Poppa Fisher is driving in his new hearse to pick up Nate from the airport while smoking cigarettes in the coolest way possible right before the most telegraphed car accident of all time happens instantly killing the Father Fisher. Meanwhile Nate is getting off the plane chatting up this Brenda lady who is weirdly hot but not as hot as she's supposed to be?? Anyway so they bang in the closet of the airport because those exist. David is busy being the responsible brother working a funeral. Momma Fisher gets the phone call about her husband dying and she handles it pretty well

We find out that David is dating the smoothest African American cop ever. Smooth literally and figuratively. Claire smokes what can only be described as the teensiest amount of meth possible and immediately gets the call about her dad. David and Nate obviously don't see eye-to-eye but they have a pretty chill My Brother and Me relationship. And Mrs. Fisher confirms that she was having an affair with Sir Ed Begley Jr.: her hairdresser.

Episode 2: Honestly I was a little drunk when I watched this episode and didn't take great notes. During the reading of the father's will he leaves 50% of the business to Nate and 50% to David. David having given up his dream of being a lawyer is pretty butt hurt about it. Claire decides to have sex with one of the dudes she smoked meth with who turns out to be Milo from 24. In the words of Tenacious D Claire don't mind sucking on toes.

Episode 3: Every episode begins with some sort of death. This one starts with a guy being accidentally chopped up in a dough mixer. Because of Claire's exploits everyone in school has taken to calling her the Toe Sucker so to get back at Milo she steals the foot of failed doughmixer-cleaner and puts it in his locker. Nate and David decide to keep the business and refuse to sell out to the now corporate funeral industry. Ruth hitting rock bottom loses $25,000 at the track. The evil funeral corporation buys the house across the street to put the Fishers out of business which burns to the motherf'ing ground! Everyone thinks Claire did it because she steals feet and sucks on toes, not in that order.

Episode 4: The beginning death of this episode is a gang related shooting. This forces David to deal with an episode's worth of imaginary arguments (there are so many imaginary arguments on this show!) with the gangster who died. They mostly argue about how big of a pussy David is. After Nate and Brenda get interrogated for burning down the rival funeral home (everyone still thinks Claire did it) Momma Fisher catching Nate going down on Brenda IN THE LIVING ROOM!

The audacity...

— Rihanna (@rihanna) September 16, 2014

David concludes the episode with the most "I Drink Your Milkshake" scene HBO has ever had:

OK, nevermind I'm all in.

Episode 5 and 6: David comes out to Nate, sort of and then the smooth cop immediately breaks up with David for not being smooth enough. Nate introduces Brenda as his girlfriend to David, Brenda "prefers the term fuck puppet". Brenda's ridiculous back-story is unleashed on us like Ebola or Ebola coverage. She was the subject of a terrible childhood of prodding and tests because she has an IQ of 185 and they wrote a book about her. Nate reads it after meeting her parents who are the worst. Then he meets her brother who is also the worst. Brenda's brother makes Claire fall in love with him in about 5 minutes and then quickly loses interest. Then Nate goes on quite the detective mission to find out that his dad was pretty rad, trading funerals for weed and a room of his own. Then Nate and his dead father have an imaginary argument. This is exactly when I stopped watching last time because everyone is just real into their own shit and unhappy. But I promised so I shall persist.

[omfgregg-blog]

Songs That Will Ruin Your Summer 2014

It's time for my annual blog post. Sorry I'm not sorry that everything's going great and I only write when I'm cranky. This Summer, you guys. This is going to be rough. I'm sorry I have to do this to you.

Rude by MAGIC!

There should be a law against White Guy Reggae. "But Gregg this singer is clearly at least partially Palestinian!" Yeah but C'mon this is White Guy Reggae. "But Gregg Vampire Weekend is great!" I would rather Vampire Weekend all collectively work for their NYU friends' startup companies than hear another White Guy Reggae song ever again. Not only is this song catchy and terrible but it just outright stole a storyline from the last season of Friday Night Lights. I am sure of two things: this song is terrible and it will be played twice an hour on Pop and Alternative stations across this fine nation of ours. If you have any doubt about this song catching on just remember "How Bizarre" like you could ever forget.

Most Disturbing lyric:

Knocked on your door with heart in my hand To ask you a question 'Cause I know that you're an old-fashioned man, yeah Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes 'cause I need to know

When asking for permission to marry someone maybe don't open with "I know you're not that into me, old dude, but I look at your daughter as a piece of property, and I'm going to ask you like a 5 year-old until I hear what I want." Seriously I hope this guy Romeo's himself without the Juliet part. I hate him so so much. He's worse than this song but not by much.

Problem by Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea

Between "Problem", "Fancy", and This; this Summer belongs to Iggy Iggs and there is no getting around it. I could probably do without Big Sean whispering at me, the guy doing weird double-jointed dance moves, and a very tiny singer standing next to an 7'6" rapping-Aborigine. But, you know? It could be worse. Big Ariana ALL DAY SON, get ready for it. I'm honestly never wrong about these things.

Most Disturbing Lyrics:

There's a million you's baby boy, so don't be dumb I got 99 problems but you won't be one Like what.

This is where we are at musically everybody. Referencing 99 Problems at this point is like what? Like, yeah.

Stay With Me by Sam Smith

And the award for guy who sounds the least what he looks like goes to...Sam Smith. Not since Rick "Rolled" Astley have we experienced a ginger walking the mean streets with so much soul. Seriously, you can't tell them apart.

This song has a lot going for it in terms of radio play, it's like two and half minutes long, has a haunting harmony, and a guy lamenting about getting some random play. He's the anti-Jason Derulo.

Most Disturbing Lyric:

Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

Dude is the Ted Mosby-est.

Addendum: Thanks Paul for this:

Since all this music is so horrid, I feel obligated to try to serve the public. To that end, I've compiled a list of the time and place where I will have my first random hookups this summer for each song:

Iggy Azalea - Place: dive bar in Beacon Hill, doesn't matter which one. They're all basically like Ktown Pub but there's a lot of hot girls and all the guys are wearing something to prove their parents own a house on Nantucket. Time: this weekend.

Sam Smith - Time: mid-July when the humidity is soul-crushing. Place: her place. She omg. Loves. This. Song.

Magic! - Place: Lansdowne St in Fenway. The drunkest street in the drunkest neighborhood. Time: after a Sahx game.

[omfgregg-blog]

Is Maynard James Keenan More of a Bro Than Dave Matthews?

What would piss off my friends more than anything? This. On its face this is the most ridiculous question I have ever posed to myself. Dave Matthews, the king of all Bros vs. the lead singer of Tool in a Bro-off? It seems to be no contest. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was really on to something here so I started compiling the evidence. And it pretty damning. As they are both best known for their music let’s start there.

Music for Bros:

This is the category that I assumed would put all of Dave’s bro-ciples at ease; easily defending his crown. But one fact remained, as far as I know Mr. Matthews has never written, recorded, and performed a song named after his own phallus.

Seriously if that isn't enough Tool has another hidden track with these lyrics.

I had a friend once he took some acid, Now he thinks he's a fire engine, It's okay until he pisses on your lighter, Kinda smells, kinda cool, kinda funny anyway. Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan I had a friend once he took some ecstacy, Tried to marry me and everyone in the room, He was sort of loving, kind of caring, Kind of tried to fuck my lazy-boy, It got a bit messy all over the curtains, Armchair, throw pillows, covers, and carpet.

"Ants Go Marching" doesn't hold a candle to either of these songs in terms of bro-appeal. The electric violin guy is the only thing that even puts DMB in the running.

Advantage: MJK

How Many Wineries Do You Own, Bro?:

When I think about bro-ing out I think shotgunning PBR, not quaffing red wine but thanks to Dave Matthews and his "The Dreaming Tree" line wine consumption among bros is becoming an epidemic. Approximately 4 times a day this is my interaction with a customer,

"Yo bro, you got that Dave Matthews stuff?" "Yeah man, what kind?" "Uh, Red?"

It's called "Crush" by the way, the white is called "Everyday". And just an FYI, Train has a wine brand called, and I'm not making this up, "Drops of Jupiter". I can't wait for Miley's double fortified port "Wrecking Ball" to come out.

So you would think Dave won this round right? Wrong.

Maynard is even more involved in wine producing. He owns Merkin (really making my case for me, Keenan) Vineyards and produces Caduceus Cellars wines but not out of some sellout, recognized region in California. Maynard's vineyard is located in an Arizona desert. This wine is so popular, you have to be on a mailing list and sells out almost immediately after its release. The "Judith" Blend retails for ~$125 while The Dreaming Tree sells for ~$16.99.

MJK wins again.

So Maynard is the Bro-iest?

Naaaaaah, unfortunately during my research I found out that Maynard was in the army (thank you for your service), changes his appearance more than Lady Gaga, and MAJORED IN INTERIOR DESIGN AT ART SCHOOL!! Meanwhile Dave Matthews has looked like this since I was conceived and I respect any man who performs on stage in pajamas...

What a waste of time!

[omfgregg-blog]

i can't tell if your post about royals is serious or not but you should know that the lyric is "we didn't come from money" as in they grew up without money. i don't know what you were thinking it was.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your concern, I was indeed being sarcastic about hating the lyrics from the Lorde song. I think in reality the lyrics paint a much more realistic picture of what it is to be a teenager, or young adult than anyone she was criticizing. And thank you for pointing out I copy and pasted "for" when it should have been "from". From now on if you see anything on my site that you disagree with, I was being sarcastic. Thanks again.

[omfgregg-blog]

Songs That Will Ruin Your Late-Summer/Early-Fall 2013

Well it is that time of year again. I know it seems like yesterday when fun(.) came into our lives and ruined our collective summers but here we are again; wondering why air-conditioners only break when they are needed the most and listening to the radio far too often.

Let's jump right into it, there are no dudes ruining my summer. Take that patriarchy. Yeezus was too crazy to ever be played on any radio station. I don't understand this Alan Thicke's son business that happens bi-annually. So that leaves these not-quite Carly Rae Jespens.

Icona Pop- I Love It

I assumed this song was going to ruin last summer for everyone but it took until now. A real KC and Jojo situation. I wish it remained a song no one really knew about but no, Lena Dunham had to ruin it like she ruins everything. HBO, treating women poorly, not showing legit money-shots on TV, and now this. Still, 'I Love It' remains an expertly done temper-tantrum in the form of song. Whatever, I'll take it.

Most disturbing lyric:

"I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched, I let it burn. I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs. I crashed my car into the bridge. I don't care, I love it. I don't care."

There is a real trend about not giving a fuck about anything this year.

Bonus Video!!:

"Baby, how many boners did you get slow dancing to this song?"~ Priya Talim

Miley Cyrus- We Can't Stop

Miley, you had me at the clicked in quarter-grillz.

You know what? I don't want to get carried away here but could this be the song that defines our generation? What an underdog story, it took the daughter of a one-hit wonder coming from a hit Disney show to really understand what is going on in the world. Started from the bottom...But a melancholy party song about not being able to stop but still having a pretty decent time with a video that doubles as an American Apparel ad . We're all functioning alcoholic/pillhead/overeating/religious-zealots anyway right? I think she nailed it. That does not stop it from being played twice an hour on every station (including Pandora) that you can think of. This song will be my own personal hell come September.

Most Disturbing Lyrics:

"We run things Things don’t run we."

OH OK!

"So la da di da di, we like to party Dancing with Miley"

Listen to the song and there is no way she says Miley, er'ebody on that Molly son.

Lorde- Royals

I don't know what is going on with this Kiwi but something is going on and I don't trust it. Hanging out with acne'd ginger kids who cut their own faux-hawks seems pretty cool on its face but when you listen to what she is singing about I am just appalled. NOT caring about Grey Goose (New Zealand must not have records referencing Ciroc yet, Adorable New Zealand). NOT caring about Maybachs? Yeah right. Like you actually don't care about Tigers on a gold leash, Lorde? Get over yourself--'Zealand' isn't even recognized on my spell check.

Most Disturbing Lyrics:

"My friends and I we've cracked the code We count our dollars on the train to the party And everyone who knows us knows That we're fine with this, we didn't come from money"

Urgh, I need a shower. I feel disgusting.

UPDATE(S) COMING SOON

A guest blogger or two or three if you (yes you) have an idea.

[omfgregg-blog]

They Say Rock Shit Doesn't Rock Anymore...

Few things could bring me out of Blog-tirement but oh-my-gawd this is one of them. Limp Bizkit has been gone for long enough for me to forget how to spell "Bizkit" properly. I make no secret of my LB superfandom in middle school--in fact I still contend that Three Dollar Bill, Y'all is pretty good. And by 'pretty good' I mean it's probably one of the top 5 albums ever.

A reunion a decade in the making isn't enough for you? That's nonsense, But I have good news. Lil' Wayne who legally died 17 times just last week is also featured on this can't miss hit song.*

*Note: This song could totally miss, it's probably already missed.

Let's catch up with what Mr. Durst has been up to in this Post-9/11 World we live in.

Chorus:

They say that rock shit doesn't rock anymore They say that whole game done went pop so I'm back in this ho We drinking gin 'till we pass out and fall on the flo' Is that your bitch? Cause she told me she ready to go She ready to go, she ready to go Is that your bitch? Cause she told me she ready to go

First of all, Fred, next time please pick a drink that doesn't sound so much like 'jizz'. Every time it sounds like you're saying jizz and it's already hard enough to take this seriously. Second, white dudes can't call women bitches anymore. I mean we can when surrounded by our male co-workers. But in reference to a female you're about to Bed? Ghastly! I am aghast.

Verse 1-Fred Durst

Back it's the motherfucking rock god I'm so poker-faced, ladies going Ga-Ga That's right it's Freddy D, the public enemy You know, the one to have Britney drop it to her knees

The sound/face combo that came from my girlfriend after she heard this part of the song is something that I haven't heard/seen before and I do not wish to experience it again. I do respect that Fred knows he has to keep up with Weezy's word-play. It is adorable that 'Freddy-D' the 'rock god' claims to be the 'one' who got Britney on her knees though. Adorable.

I don't give a fuck, I probably never will Bitch get at me if that ass is like Jessica Biel's Who down with me tonight? You know I'll treat you right You shake for me until they turning on them ugly lights Throw them fingers up, and finger-fuck the sky She like the way we pump it, I call her pumpkin pie I ain't about to lie, I came up in it high You got a problem and I'll bust you in your fucking eye, player Baby you're a rockstar, I know who the fuck I am 40 million records later, I am still the fucking man I came to rock, all she wanna do is roll Now she at my house sliding up and down that pole

I, too, am starting to not give a fuck. Does he know that actual time has passed? Probably not right? Imagine how awesome life would be if you were stuck in 2000 in your own mind before the unpleasantness. You know you really made it in life when your house has a stripper pole because I--like Fred Durst--haven't progressed as a human being in 13 years (dangerously introspective moment).

[Verse 2-Lil Wayne] What the fuck is up? Fuck the world, bust a nut I'm on this and that, and such and such It's ashes to ashes, dust to dust, come on Rock! Rock, rock with a real nigga Everything I touch turn to gold, she a gold digger Shots! Shots, shots, have a lil liquor Got the bitch taking shots like Reggie Miller Uh, Lil Weezy in this bitch ho She want the green light-let the bitch go I go hard, I go nuts, I go schizo And now they wanna copy me like ten-fo' Uh, I can't stop, I won't stop I got the pistol on me, I guess I went pop Now I'm free-falling, yeah, head first Red hat to the back like Fred Durst

We're all lucky to witness Lil' Wayne's Andy Kaufman-esque performance piece where he just repeats things he has already recorded over and over and expecting everyone to not notice.

[Verse 3-Fred Durst] Lil Weezy that's my patna, we drinkin' Russian vodka Bout to take your bitch cause she ain't never fucked a rock star I'm a fucking outlaw, packing me a chainsaw I'm at the afterparty about to start another brawl I'm getting fucked up, so you can go to hell I'mma need a ride home, I know myself And you know I put it down like no one else I'm the champ bitch, I ain't gotta show the belt

Ooooof...at least this means more Wes Borland body paint!

[omfgregg-blog]

Taylor Swift Goes To Burning Man

Guys, I'm really sorry that I haven't updated since Jesus' first-coming (relevant[!]). But in the middle of a big move (down the Turnpike), a new job (that is the tits), and keeping it real (always), I just haven't had the time. Now let me fucking finally talk about the video (funny aside [Thanks Priya]).

Taylor Swift has caught a lot of flack for constantly writing songs about her real-life exes and putting the dude on blast. Even the voice of no one's generation Bill Maher suggested that she entitle one of her songs 'Maybe It's Me'. But Taylor is mostly harmless and isn't going anywhere so let's make amends with her consistency:

(0:24): I have nothing but sympathy for Taylor's predicament right now, she did something she shouldn't have done last night (ecstasy or bath salts or OG Four Loko) and she woke up in the desert. Plastic tarps that are clearly covering fresh corpses aside, I have serious questions about the skateboard in the background: who brought it? where did he or she end up? do they want to hang out? where can I get Taylor's shirt? No matter, Talyor had a really top-notch brown-out that deserves some discussion.

(0:51): She had friends there? Why did they let any of this happen?! Clearly vegans BBQ and wear leather hats.

(1:29): "I just thought how can the Devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him it was losing me." Wow, Bright Eyes, chill for a second.

(2:04): This. Was not the song I was expecting after all of that. OK. Of course it was.

(2:21): Dude's only move is Leo's 'I'm The King of the World'. Mad, mad respect. Signed Taylor Swift.

(2:34): This Diner did not deserve this kind of disrespect, children sit in those booths, Taylor.

(2:59): I venture to say that Taylor Swift has never been at this particular concert. I am not sure what concert this is but there are just too many suspenders for it to be a real thing.

(3:20): If you were Taylor Swift what percentage of your time would you spend figuring yourself out in the mirror? By current estimations it is not nealry enough.

(3:22): If you were Taylor Swift what percentage of your time would you spend cowering in the corner of a motel room while some douche does sit-ups? By current estimations it is far too often.

(4:00): "Do you wanna mess with THIS haircut, bro? Well, do ya?"

(4:17): "My name is Taylor Swift and my hair was cut by a sword."

(4:28): Quick! Someone call the Misfits and tell them that their logo appears in a Taylor Swift video.

(5:38): This was shot at the same place as Kanye's 'Runaway'. It had to be.

[omfgregg-blog]

Donald Trump loses Good

Whoever wins today, remember that tomorrow we still have a country struggling. Our work is not done until America is strong again.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012

"Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light." --George Washington

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012

Well, back to the drawing board!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

The phoney electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

We can't let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

Lets fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

More votes equals a loss...revolution!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

Our country is now in serious and unprecedentedtrouble...like never before.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

Our nation is a once great nation divided!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

The electoral college is a disaster for a democracy.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

Hopefully the House of Representatives can hold our country together for four more years...stay strong and never give up!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

House of Representatives shouldn't give anything to Obama unless he terminates Obamacare.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

[omfgregg-blog]

My Grantland Submission

Someone recently asked me what my dream job would be. Without hesitation I said "Writer for Grantland". So when they posted a challenge to find their next Fantasy Football writer I was, needless to say, ecstatic. They just posted the finalists and--well--I tried. I had a really good time writing this and didn't think it should go to waste. Thanks to Anna and Priya for editing out the shitty parts. Enjoy, and good luck to the finalists.

Fantasy Island Submission

You start off as Ivan Drago blustery and strong, killing people in your wake, representing all that is mystifying and terrifying in the world. You finish as Ivan Drago, tired and sad, solely responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union, defeated and contemplating honor suicide. This is your fantasy football season.

Last year I overanalyzed prior to draft day. I was stuck with a team full of Tim Hightowers and Roy Helus. I was playing the “Who is Mike Shanahan Mad at This Week?” game every Sunday. Not this year! I am going to have fun. I am going with my gut unless my gut tells me to draft Ryan Mathews. Nobody wants Ryan Mathews

. The Shadiest RB LeSean McCoy:

I don’t understand anything about LeSean McCoy. The cuts he makes on almost every play are not conceivable in any dimension that has been defined. McCoy just earned a 99 “Elusiveness” Rating in the latest installment of Madden, but “Elusiveness” is not the appropriate term. He simultaneously occupies varying spaces while existing in none of them. He should have a 99 “Smoke Monster” Rating. McCoy is a great pick because his success does not rely on Michael Vick staying healthy. Nick Foles could get Shady over 2,000 total yards this season.

The Old Soul QB Aaron Rodgers:

Do you know what I do when I am bored by how good a Quarterback is? I draft him. Remember when you suddenly realized that Tom Brady will never be bad, he will just retire. This is where we are with Aaron Rodgers. He is the surest thing in this draft.

Justified Hyperbole WR Calvin Johnson:

Rolling with the freak-of-nature motif, picking Megatron anywhere in the top 5 does not warrant explanation. Even if my buddy were to pick the real CJ #1 overall I would gasp, but then be all like, “I think I see what you did there, bro. Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, bro?! ” (it is very important to speak in nothing but ‘bros’ on draft day). The worst thing that happens when you draft Calvin Johnson too soon: win the Wide Receiver position every week.

And a Side Of RB Ray Rice:

It may come down to a coin flip between Ray Rice and Arian Foster, and a healthy gamble in the midst of very unhealthy gambling never hurt anyone. Ray Rice won out for me because he seemed to find himself last year. For the last 4 seasons his Highness of Sizzle himself has tutored Rice in Swag, and it seems to have paid off. Last year Rice more than doubled the amount of rushing touchdowns he has had in any previous season. With an inconsistent quarterback firmly entrenched Rice is the most reliable piece of a Ravens offence since the Browns. It can only help that Rice is no longer subjected to constant second-hand stoning in the running back meeting room.

The Wizard of Wavier-ly Place QB Cam Newton:

Will your friends make fun of you for taking Cam this high? Sure. Will he single-handedly win you matchup after matchup? Absolutely. There is surprising depth among the second-tier Running Backs this year so you can afford to wait if the elite ones aren’t there. According to the fantasy guru himself, Matthew Berry, more Quarterbacks are going in the first two rounds than ever before. Why not lock up a player who acts as his own goal line back? Ask yourself, “Would I be surprised if Cam ended up with more Fantasy points than Aaron Rodgers?” You wouldn’t be, so man up and take him. Last season I missed Cam by 1 Waiver priority spot and therapy is only now starting to take root.

Sleeper RB LeGarrette Blount:

Punching deserving white dudes notwithstanding, Blount’s talent has never been in question. While drafting Blount last year was a Todd Akin-caliber mistake, this year you take none of the risk for the same potential output that you were expecting last season. Sure, he disappeared for snaps, quarters, and then entire games last season. Blount still busts out an ESPY caliber razing of entire defenses whenever he wants to. He just needs to want to. This year Blount is challenged by Doug Martin who may motivate Easy B to be more consistent. The bottom line is that I don’t think Martin is Tampa Bay’s answer at Running Back so I want Blount on my bench.

[mittandrob-blog]

.@mittromney Thank you for signing into law the permanent ban of assault weapons in MA in 2004. You should be proud & campaign on that.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 24, 2012

[omfgregg-blog]

Tom Corbett and The Second Mile

Mom: "It's really not fair to the kids, everyone involved is either dead or in jail." Dad: "Or Governor."

Even though the NCAA is a joke, even though I kind of think the Freeh Report is a conspiracy on par with the JFK assassination, even though I had a very deep affection for Joe Paterno's curmudgeoness, despite all of those things I think the sanctions that the NCAA handed down were fine. They certainly weren't fair, every Division 3 college has 20 different conspiracies that someone is withholding to save face. I have worked for two different colleges and I have heard some shit that if Joe Paterno was involved would blow up the University System as we know it. But whatever it's like Kima said in The Wire "It's your turn." Any argument that Penn Staters could have made (and there are legitimate ones) went out the window the second that the new school president signed off on the penalties. Some things are bigger than bowl games.

No bowls for Penn State for 4 years? Why punish the Outback Bowl so harshly?

— SportsPickle (@sportspickle) July 23, 2012

OK, put all that to bed now, there is nothing I could do about it even if I wanted to and I don't. But this fucking Tom Corbett guy what the fuck is his problem? (I have tried writing intelligently about this but I can't, it's impossible, I have Tom Corbett is the worst OCD. Come on--Please, stop talking about Joe Paterno and start talking about this guy.)

What you should know:

1977: Jerry Sandusky helps to found The Second Mile, a children's charity.

1995: Tom Corbett was appointed by Gov. Tom Ridge as acting Attorney General for the State of Pennsylvania. A condition of his appointment was that he could not run for reelection in 1996 which is weird but apparently fairly common (wiki'd). This is important because, to be fair, he could not have been in office for the 1998 charge on Sandusky.

1998: Jerry Sandusky is accused of child molestation for the first time and it is investigated by University Police but no charges were filed despite Sandusky admitting he bear-hugged a boy in the shower.

1999: Sandusky "retires" as Defensive Coordinator of Penn State. (Note: I remember how confused everyone was by this decision as it was common knowledge that Sandusky was next in line for Joe's job.) He maintains his University Status and is allowed on campus with The Second Mile kids.

2004: Tom Corbett is now elected as the Pennsylvania DA

2008: Corbett begins the 2nd investigation of Sandusky, Sandusky informs the Second Mile that he is being investigated.

2009: The Sandusky Grand Jury begins hearing testimony.

2010: Tom Corbett begins his gubernatorial campaign. This is the fucked up part. Corbett accepts a $25,000 dollar donation from The Second Mile. Corbett accepts thousands of dollars of donations from Second Mile board members. The Second Mile board chairman throws a fund raiser for Tom Corbett at his house.

Dramatization of what happened when someone found this out:

That Person: "So Tom, wasn't it a little dicked up that you took money from the organization that you were investigating at the time?" Tom Corbett: "UH, NO. Because...no." That Person: "Could you expand on that?" Tom Corbett: "They would have figured it out" That Person: "The people who already knew that you were investigating them would have found out that they were being investigated? " Tom Corbett: "Yeah."

2011: Now Governor Corbett releases 3 Million dollars (which again, to be fair, was initially approved by Rendell) to the charity to begin construction of The Second Mile Center for Excellence, basically a gymnasium/dormitory/possible rape dungeon. From what I have read Corbett was completely within his rights to withhold this money and actually did for a short period of time.

For a fiscal conservative this guy seems to be pretty bad with money. He had a sure fire way out of spending 3 million dollars so he could look at it or whatever people do with their money and he didn't take it (25,000 reasons this makes sense). Instead he gave the money to an organization with an obvious lack of institutional control who enabled a sexual predator just like a certain state-run university.

In retrospect it is surreal what the wrongdoings of one man can do to a community, a college, a state. If one year ago someone could have predicted the downfall of Joe Paterno, the most powerful man in the state of Pennsylvania, that person would have been Tom Corbett. Maybe it is time we brought down the 2nd most powerful man in the state.

[omfgregg-blog]

How Many of Your Guns has Obama taken away?!

Was it zero? or was it less than zero?

[omfgregg-blog]

Dr. Dre's Headphones > Your Headphones

The next two rap songs that I love better be called Boiler Room and then Hackers. From the album:B-Movie-B-Sides (Mix Tape).

If I Were Re-Casting Three Kings Using This Song..: Jay-Z : George Clooney :: Rick Ross : Ice Cube :: Dr. Dre : Mark Wahlberg. Fight me on this, Grantland I have legitimate arguments.

Best Lyrics Respectively:

Clooney-Z: "Fuck Rap Money/ I made more on crates./ Fuck show money/ I spent that on drapes."/ "Used to shop at TJ Maxx back in '83/ I don't even know if it was open then./ I ain't know Oprah then." #Illuminati

Rick Cube: "I only love it when her ass fat/ We should listen to this track in my Maybach." It's all just exclusively about Maybachs at this point.

Dr. Wahlberg: "I only love it when her hair long/ you should listen to this beat through my headphones."

[omfgregg-blog]

Hi, okay so I just read/watched your whole thing about rape jokes and it's perfect and that Patrice O'Neal video is perfect and I felt like I had to tell ya.

I'm glad you noticed, Anonymous.