Cande's Confessions

Confess- to admit or acknowledge something reluctantly, typically because one feels ashamed or embarrassed. YOU OWE NO ONE ANYTHING TO LIVE IN YOUR TRUTH UNAPOLOGETICALLY. Together we can ALL be FREE.

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession#10: Being the FIRST

 Are you the golden child? Were you supposed to be the one to “make it” for your black/latino “minority” family? Yeah? Me too... Here I am four years post graduation and I am living just like them. The same systemic pressures and discrimination have befallen me too. I still live in “the hood” just a different hood. I still work for white folks just I’m the only black girl. My family is still in the same position if not worse than before. I spent my whole life trying to do good and be good to be accepted into this world that don’t give a damn about ppl who look like me. Now I am even farther removed from my family lost out here in this white world without any connection to who I am. Just so we can say I was the FIRST person in my poor minority family to have a college degree. Thats what they always wanted from me. Thats what made them so proud of me. I am 26 yrs old. I work in a field completely unrelated to my degree, I have no close relationships with my family, I live under paycheck to paycheck. I suffer from severe mental depression. But I’m the smart one ; the  FIRST.... right? 

[dinahs-whiskers-blog]

The thing with BPD...

I am a deeply sensitive person. Some days I hide it better than others. Some things may trigger me one day and not the next. In all honesty I don’t know what my triggers are, there’s no rhyme or reason. It just is. It’s just in me to explode at the ‘smallest’ of things, when in all honesty, something that is small and trivial to you… something you wouldn’t even think twice about… is a huge deal to me and I’ll think about it and overthink it for hours even days after the fact.

It’s like having a heart of glass… but its constantly breaking and shattering and talking literally, containing all those shards within you, day in/day out constantly… it really fucking hurts.

[ghost-of-bpd-deactivated2022071]

You know how people describe bpd with black and white thinking?

 If you don’t have bpd, it is impossible to explain how much this effects our lives. (My life at least because people casually get offended when i generalize what i mean with people like me in mind.)

Just. My point is, I am tired of having no grays.

I either try to starve myself while feeling guilty for not eating healthy or I eat 5 chocolate bars in a row and then spent the rest of the day feeling disgusting and fat.

It is just chocolate. I can’t enjoy a fucking chocholate.

And not just that either;

I don’t go out for months and then one day at a weird ass hour I am out there trying to figure out things to do so I don’t have to go back home any time soon.

I ignore cleaning my room for weeks and then I am cleaning between the tiles with a toothbrush because there may be dirt in there.

I don’t shower for days, sometimes almost weeks, and then I am busy spending an entire day with beauty products because self care is important.

I hate myself for who I became because it is my fault or I hate people who made me this way because it is not my fault.

All I need to get my life back together is just to start doing something but then I see no point in trying because no matter what I do I know it will never be enough to get my life back together ever again.

I am just so tired. That is all I am saying.

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

i know I am not alone but it feels like it when you're constantly explaining something no one will ever understand if they aren’t in my head!

[depressionarmy]

Wearing A Mask

The nature of hiding my true self

(Originally posted on patheos.com/blogs/themuslimhippie)

I needed to be social. I needed to be the ‘me’ that’s acceptable in the company of others. I did want to go out as the real me. To interact with people in a genuine fashion for a change. But now that I’m home, away from all the noise… I’m realizing I wore my mask again today. It’s the one that hides how I feel from others. The one that smiles when I want to break down crying. The one that absorbs pain and hurt, and morphs my face into a more agreeable pose. It grins and laughs when people are speaking to me, covering up my anxiety, my fear. My mask served me well, while I was in public. But at home, now that the mask has fallen aside, I feel like a liar. 

As soon as I walked in my door, I could feel my mask slipping away. I used it one more time to smile at someone as I passed them on my way upstairs. It was a weary smile. My mask was abandoning me. Quickly I raced up the 3 flights to my loft. The steps seemed endless and I was anxious to get to my room. I could feel a sob welling in my chest, the one that comes out when I’m lonely. I just wanted to get back to my private space, where I could feel my true emotions in peace. I wanted to breathe freely behind closed doors where no one could judge me. 

By the time I climbed my bedroom steps, my mask was long gone. All that was left was the raw me. It’s always so painful when I reveal myself at the end of the day. Taking off my mask hurts because I instantly feel all the feelings I was hiding for so long. The painful emotions come rushing back and I’m powerless against their daggers. 

I wear this mask almost unconsciously now. I’ve perfected the art of putting it on at a moment’s notice. I feel like I should be perfect and likable when I’m around other people. Because of anxiety, I feel like everybody wants me to be a certain way; and so, I give that to them. But when I’m alone, there’s no one to perform for and I feel incomplete. I’m not always happy or bubbly. I can’t always let comments roll off my back. I’m an anxious person with a lot of complex feelings. Many are too deep for public consumption. 

So, I’ve learned to live with my mask and use it when needed. At one time, I thought I could live without it. But after tonight, I see that I can’t. Sometimes when I’m alone and I’m dealing with my emotions, I wish I had another mask; one that shielded me from myself. One that protected me from feeling things so deeply and getting hurt so easily. But I know that’s just a dangerous wish. 

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Its getting harder and harder to put on  THE MASK. I’m starting to hate ppl for wanting me to. 

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession #9: Non Disclosure

It's sometimes pointless as an African American woman to tell ppl that u feel like ur experiencing mental health issues. It's 90% of the time dismissed as being emotional, angry, moody, or "in need of the Lord". I'm telling you i feel trapped inside my mind, detached from reality, numb. You tell me to think positive, pray, take a walk, go out and have fun. I have the desire to do all of the above but i physically and mentally cannot do it. I'm faking every second of being around other ppl. I literally only go to work because i have to pay rent. I know i just have to survive a few hrs and i can go back home to my little hole. I feel like the world is closing in on me. If i say something; i get the above reaction. If i say nothing; i resent ppl for normal interactions. I talked to my close friend who's a mental health professional but i feel she throws on too much too fast without her knowing she's doing so. I'm closer and closer to completely losing it. I'm gonna walk away without a trace.

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

They tell you to be responsible. When you’re poor; you always have to be responsible because there won’t be anybody to save you if you aren’t! Rent DUE!

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession #8 : I wish I never met them at all

Ppl are reaching out. They want to know where I have been. The truth is it's too many of them to keep up with. The simple question "when am i gonna see you?" makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and a dull knot forms in my stomach. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to do or feel. I don't want to feel guilty for not missing any of you. I keep getting rid of the old ppl and even when i try not to meet new ppl I do and the cycle continues. How do you tell ppl you love them but you never want to see them again and it's nothing that they did. Ppl get this misconception that I must have new ppl in my life and things are going good. The absolute truth is when I am not working I am getting high and watching other's live their lives. That is it. nothing more. Even when I try to do more it doesn't last. So what am I to do? How can you make ppl understand this? How do I understand it when i am supposed to be the "normal" one?

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession #7: "I AM MY MOTHER'S CHILD"

Sometimes you can't escape genetics. My father always told me when he met my mother she was in college for nursing and then she got into drugs and it was downhill since then. I have no history of what got her there and i don't even know how to ask? My family always saw me as the golden child. "The smart one" "the one that was gonna make it" They all were labeled with some disability whether physical or cognitive but not me. I actually believed them. I thought I was normal and they needed me to be so thats who i was. I fought so hard not to be like my drug addicted mother and dysfunctional ass family and the only difference between them and me is a college degree. It's been getting harder with my own mental health issues and substance abuse over the years and I'm just wondering if I will be her 25 yrs from now still tryna get outta my head and into reality. This woman has never raised me and yet her story has been resurrected through me without both of our knowledge of one another. Ppl keep telling me to talk to her. What do you say after 26 years?

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It is lethal.”

— Paulo Coelho

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[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession #6: Disconnection

What you put in your body physically and mentally affects your experience with yourself and others in the world. Lately I've been triggered to binge on disgusting foods and content and it has become a little unsettling for me. I feel the changes in my brain and body and how disconnected i feel from myself and ppl most inportant to me. I find no balance and peace due to the corruption i let enter my soul. A few weeks ago I was in a different state of mind and in one instance I let myself backslide profusely. I know what i want yet i feel trapped inside my own body watching it destroy everything i need. Feeling like I can't get a grip on reality. Like I am passing in and out of time and space and there is no destination. I need to be connected.

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Eyes are the window to the SOUL 👀 ✨✨

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession #5: Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!

You ever thought you wanted something so bad but when you finally got it; it was nothing like what you thought it would be. Or it wasn't what you wanted after all. And then it's too late And the damage is already done. Oh how I have come to this point in my life. Are we ever really sure of anything? Is anything ever really permanently done? These are serious questions. I think its more of a action/reaction thing in life. I did THIS and THAT happened and now comes the consequences. We have the power to create whatever we want but we let things like EGO, PRIDE, and sometimes DOUBT (lack of hope) get in the way. And sometimes things are how they are and you just move on. But how do you know which is which? Why do we have to make careful wishes?

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession 4: To be or not to be PETTY!

If I have a problem with someone, I open my mouth and let them know. I understand everyone doesn't deal with their problems in the same fashion. But my patience and toleration for certain things are super short at this time in my life. I'm trying to allow others to process their emotions the way they need to but I don't want that to be at the expense of my own emotions. Especially not with people I love. So my question to myself is to be or not to be Petty?

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession #3: PEOPLE PLEASER

I have always been a ppl pleaser. Anything that they wanted or needed no matter what sacrifice it was to me; i did it. Gave money i didn't have, went places i didn't want to, said yes when i wanted to say no. And ppl will guilt the hell out of you that one time you say NO. Funny thing is those very ppl have at some time or another said no. Me still being the ppl pleaser will try to make up for it or at least make ppl understand why i said no. I'm NOT doing that anymore. My NO means NO. It's not personal. I stand firm in what i want and need for me and i will not allow ANYONE to make me feel guilty about that! -Cande

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Its not my job to make anybody happy but ME! my mission is never to control another person or make them feel they have to choose me over themselves. If you make someone feel bad about doing what is needed to make themselves happy then you don't really LOVE them and overtime resentment will be established! Work on your own happiness separately so you can enjoy the time you do get together with your partner. #candeconfessions #confessions #selflove #happinesscomesfromwithin #relationships #love #peace #nocontrol

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

I am feeling colored in today. Breaking back into reality. Alone but not lonely. I AM HERE ( Beyonce voice tho) 

[omgcandeconfessions-blog]

Confession#2 : Letter to the sidechick: Don’t let other ppl be closer to your mate than you are.

I will admit I was hesitant to agree to this but I wanted him to be happy and I knew I wasn't making him happy. When u came and talked to me and I explained to you why I agreed to this, I felt like that was ur opportunity to be honest with me and let me know that u gave him head prior to me even knowing about yall attraction. Not only that I felt like u could have explained that it was more than yall just wanting to fuck each other. You were basically a couple when I wasn't around. Both of u are telling each other u love each other and babe this and that but when I'm around its "punk" and other friendly names. Not only did I put myself out there agreeing to let u have sex with him but also the threesome. I thought we were doing something fun and risky. But I would have never agreed if I knew It was more than sex between yall. I felt deceived by not only my husband but from someone I considered a friend. U knew what it was and never said anything. Even after u found out that I knew about the true nature of ur relationship the conversations between yall never changed.