‘ who knows their own address? ’
‘ are we feminists? is this feminism? ’
‘ i’m not a sidekick! i’m beyonce, not kelly rowland. ’
‘ your cockaholism may just be about the least important thing in the world to me right now. ’
‘ i wouldn’t call 10 a.m. ‘really early’. ’
‘ cool! let’s add cocaine to the butt stuff. ’
‘ you can’t leave! i love you! ’
‘ do you even know what love means? ’
‘ now go make me some bagel bites. ’
‘ love isn’t about having somebody get you things. love is putting someone else’s feelings above your own. do you think you could ever do that? honestly? ’
‘ do i look like a fitbit? i don’t give a shit about your sleep. ’
‘ why are you yelling at me? what are you doing in my house? ’
‘ i need you to act like a human person and pick up your damn phone when i call your skank ass! ’
‘ you know, after i cleaned the fries off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark. ’
‘ did you wear your booby shirt? ’
‘ if i don’t get a night off soon, i think my liver is gonna slide out of my body. ’
‘ i’m peeing blood and i briefly forgot the word for telephone. ’
‘ you’re right. she’s gonna hate me. ’
‘ you think i’m an unfriendly treacherous mountain? ’
‘ we’re adults! we can do this ourselves. ’
‘ you’re losing your hair. ’
‘ practicing what? dying alone? ’
‘ i told the spice girls i was dying in order to get free concert tickets. ’
‘ i learned blue balls were a myth when i was 12. ’
‘ i’m not much of a cleaner. ’
‘ you’re not much of a human! ’
‘ did you slither out of your mothers cooch yesterday? ’
‘ i can’t believe i finally made a new friend and i tried to bang her the first time we hung out. ’
‘ no offense, but you’re kind of making my skin crawl. ’
‘ i’m not comfortable about feelings. ’
‘ aren’t we lucky we’re both in professions where we can day drink? ’
‘ i’m glad this is a one-night thing so we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves. ’
‘ what do you mean you watch tv on your computer? ’
‘ i don’t know what i’m doing here. i’m not even attracted to you. ’
‘ you two are poison people. this is gonna end so badly. ’
‘ if you wanna go, just go. ’
‘ why can’t you just let this be over? ’
‘ you and i, we’re inevitable. ’
‘ move in with me. ’
‘ i just humiliated myself by accepting your non-marriage proposal, i cannot now move in with you. ’
‘ you’re just doing this as a hail mary because you know you’re about to lose me for good. ’
‘ what i have finally realized is that the worst possible draft of my life is the one without you in it. i hate it, but you goddamn floor me. ’
‘ oh shit… we’re gonna do this even though we know there is only one way this ends. whether in a week or twenty years, there is horrible sadness and pain coming in and we’re inviting it. ’
‘ she stayed! you say she forced you, but we both know there’s not a person on this planet who’s ever had a good outcome trying to force you to do anything. she stayed and that means something whether you wanna admit it or not. ’
‘ i’m not doing anything… i’m crying in my car. ’
‘ don’t start keeping secrets now. ’
‘ the only thing i need from you is to not make a big deal with it and be okay with how i am and the fact that you can’t fix me. ’
‘ no, i’m mad at you because you think you can fix me! you can’t fix me! i don’t need to be fixed! ’
‘ it’s like you have amnesia. every day you think things are gonna be different. ’
‘ maybe you can understand this: i feel nothing. ’
‘ i’ll be back in a couple of days. ’
‘ you stayed? …you stayed! ’
‘ you just said ‘boyfriend.’ ’
‘ i understand that my actions could lead you to feel a bit unwelcome and i’ll work on not being such a control freak. ’
‘ i’m done comparing this to what normal people do. ’
‘ normal people are terrible. ’
‘ when i look at you, i swear i can see years years into the future with you. ’
‘ …i love you too. ’
‘ i’ve just heard that you’re the worst. ’
‘ i tricked him into giving me back rubs, saying it made me horny. ’
‘ obviously, i thought it was, like, boring as shit. ’
‘ clearly you used to jack off to hemingway in high school. ’
‘ i’m an irresponsible monster who burned down her apartment with a vibrator. ’
‘ if there is even a remote possibility of breakfast and you don’t wake me up, i will never touch your dick again with any part of my body. ’
‘ jokes on you, dummy, i’m already horny. ’
‘ oh my god! that is so sexist and mansplain-y. ’
‘ if ‘i love you’ is like a promise, it’s just a promise to try real hard. doesn’t mean you can’t fail. ’
‘ i shit myself earlier and that is only the second most embarrassing thing that has happened to me today. ’
‘ you knew who i was, you don’t get to act surprised now. ’
‘ bam! carpe those diems! ’
‘ i have to gone girl myself and start over where nobody knows me. ’
‘ i’m going to have a baby. ’
‘ i just want my kids to be sad when i die. ’
‘ i didn’t want to kill him. i just snapped! ’
‘ i feel guilty because of how much he suffered… and because you stabbed him on purpose. ’
‘ you’re so getting murdered. ’
‘ i can’t tell him my brain is broken. ’
‘ don’t stalk me again because you suck at it. ’
‘ back off, bitch. ’
‘ don’t go. ’
‘ i got your back, always. ’
‘ you might not be useful in the radish sense, but you’re a good friend and you make people happy. ’
‘ when i get back, you’re going to take me to a real bar and feed me cheap whiskey until i forget about that time i stopped being able to have sex with my boyfriend ever again because he took me to a bar that only served water! ’
‘ so, would you say it’s a… problem-free philosophy? it’s like… no worries for the rest of your days? ’
‘ did you just quote the lion king to me? ’
‘ hey, um, so listen… i think you’re funny and cute and i’d like to take you on a date with me for a date. ’
‘ why did you put a murder tour on your list? ’
‘ you even quit a rewards club because you couldn’t handle the commitment. ’
‘ wear your stains on the outsides of your clothes. ’
‘ see? dogs eat nachos. ’
‘ hey, that’s your best garbage bag. you going somewhere? ’
‘ i’ll be out by the time you get back. have fun, you deserve it… whoever she is. ’
‘ red licorice vodka? ’
‘ send money, loser! ’
‘ and you date him… willingly. ’
‘ my heart is a dumb dumb. ’
‘ i’ve always been able to flip myself back over eventually, but… i ran out of times. this is how i am now and it’s not okay with you, nor should it be. ’
‘ i suppose it’s good that this happened now, instead of like, ten years down the line. ’
‘ the world is absolutely lousy with people and i hate them all. i hate everyone but you. ’
‘ what the hell is wrong with us? ’
‘ let’s make a pact never to feel anything around each other ever again. ’
‘ i’ve never eaten a blueberry. ’
‘ i’ve always had one foot out the door. with everything. especially with us. ’
‘ so, you might just suddenly bounce out of here? ’
‘ can we just… bail? ’
‘ you’ve had a little too much to drink, didn’t you, buddy? ’
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