Student employee: 'I never realized that St. Patrick's Day was named after a particular guy! I mean, it's not like Christmas is named after a particular guy, right? There was no Mr. Christmas?'
Student employee: [My name], I wasn't sure who to give this to, earlier we got a report that a computer won't turn on or connect to the internet properly
Me, thinking out loud: Okay, I can try unplugging some things, and if that fails I'll report it… although there is an IT representative sitting right next to you, who could do those things too
Student employee: *hems and haws for a bit* It just feels like if I tell YOU about a problem, you'll make something happen
When you download your data from facebook before deleting your account, it doesn't make terribly clear which comments go with which posts. So I don't remember for sure who said which of these things anymore, but I think they've all graduated by now, so I'm just grouping them all together...
Student employee: Have you ever had to replace the wax in your lava lamp?
Me: No, just the bulb a couple times
Student employee: I bought a Kylo Ren lava lamp once, and the wax did go bad
Me: So did you replace it, or did you let the past die?
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Student employee: I used to love the Speed Racer movie, but now all the colors and everything are too much for me
Me: Oh, I don't know, I have a high tolerance for bright colors
Student employee: *looks at me* I can see that.
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Student employee: So since you're a Libra, do you ever weigh choices like scales, like this? *exaggerated hand gestures*
Me: Kind of, but I put my hands more in front of my chest than out to the sides.
Student employee: That's very late september of you.
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Me: …and there's also the idea of Locke's Socks, where over time he keeps patching his socks until there's nothing of the originals left. It's basically exactly the same as the Ship of Theseus, we don't actually need them both.
Student employee: John Locke?
Me: I assume so, probably.
Student employee: He was a jerk, so I don't think he would patch his socks. He'd just buy new ones.
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Student employee: 'My mom told me that if I used a ouija board, a monster would murder me in my sleep… honestly she was right to do that, because if MY kid brought home a demon, I'd be PISSED"
Student employee: 'When I see a piece of cookware and think "ooh, I want that, think what I could do with it," it makes me feel like I'm getting closer to being an adult!
*beat*
'Although I did set the kitchen on fire today.'
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Student employee: my boyfriend is the only person I would watch play video games
Me: you would watch me play video games
Student employee: okay you're right
Other student employee, looking at personality quiz: It says… Fruity Sweetiefly?
Me: Those are the words people yell at me when I walk past
This student employee: Maybe you should have a facebook thread of funny things YOU say
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Student employee, solemnly, not even looking at me: "[My name], in a world of scrapers, you're a shredder. You decompose. You're also good at detecting pollution."
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Me: 'Watch the desk for a bit, I need to go try to find [coworker]'
Student employee: 'You're trying to find her? Where is she?' *pause* "Don't give me that look!"
Student employee in the distance, unaware of my presence: Yesterday I was bothering [my name] with my coding questions, and—
Me: Oh, that's not true.
Student employee: *whips around, delighted* [My name]!
Student employee: *to self* I thought for a moment I was hearing the voice of God…
------------------------------------
Different student employee: What's something you think about all the time? What's your Roman Empire?
*very long pause*
This student employee: Sleeping.
Student employee: I took your advice from last week and reached out to my friend I'd gotten estranged from, and it went great!
Me: I'm not sure I remember saying you should do that, but if it worked out, I'm happy to take credit
Student employee: You were saying something about there being some chance it would go well if I did reach out, and no chance if I didn't, and how I should weigh those odds
Me: Oh, that is exactly the kind of Pascal's Wager thing I would say
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Student employee: And when I was hanging out with my friend, her boyfriend's friends didn't seem to care too much that I was there
Me: Well, you are several degrees removed from them. pause Like Kevin Bacon.
Student employee: Oh your dress has D20s on it, that's so cool!
Me: Well, today is the 20th, so it seemed appropriate
Student employee: That is more thought than I have ever put into my clothes in my entire life
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Student employee: Is [new coworker] gay at all?
Me: I have no idea. What, do you think his name sounds inherently gay?
Student employee: No, I just want to know if he's cool.
Me: Oh, this is an ingroup thing?
Student employee: Yeah, people who aren't gay at all are just less cool.
Me: And that's an example of a thing not to say at the desk where patrons can hear you.
------------------------------
Student employee: Why do you [seemingly irrational behavior]?
Me: Verisimilitude.
Student employee: What's that?
Me: The appearance of veracity.
Student employee: The appearance of what?
Me: Truthfulness.
Student employee: thinks Oh, I get it. You're much smarter than me.
Me: You're smart in other ways, like you know how to pick locks. I'm just older.
Student employee: I like to imagine you reading through dictionaries in your free time.
Me: We sit at this desk together enough that you KNOW how I spend my free time.
Student employee: Sorry I've not been more chatty today, I have all this homework.
Me (externally): It's okay, you are a student first and foremost after all, and I've been helping a patron anyway
Me (internally): They've realized their job is to keep me entertained
--------------------------------
Student employee: So we've been hanging out all the time and it makes me happy whenever I see her and she makes me presents and she accepted instantly when I invited her to go stargazing tonight, but it's really hard to know what she thinks of me, like maybe she thinks I'm just safe to be her friend because we're both girls, right? I mean, she did ask me to be her valentine, but… what are you doing?
Me: Looking at the camera.
--------------------------------
Student employee: …and they're the only friend I'm going to be depraved of this quarter.
Me: "Deprived."
Student employee: Why, what does depraved mean?
Me: Perverted? Scandalous, deviant?
Student employee: *head literally in hands* I've been using it to mean "actively deprived" and nobody has corrected me!
Student employee: 'That café should give away all their unsold pastries for free when they close. And I would be waiting for them and I would instantly take them all, even more than I could eat, every day, so that everybody else would come a little later and find there was nothing left to take. Then after a few days everyone else would assume the free pastries announcement was false, so I'd be able to come later and take less stuff without worrying about other people getting there first, and the café could just throw away the stuff I didn't want.'
Me: "Sometimes I wonder how well suited you are to working in a library."
----------------------
Student employee: 'My ex left a cake and some other stuff on my doorstep. I think I should start dating seven different men, one for every day of the week, so they all give me stuff, and if they ever want to meet up another day I'll say I've got a family emergency. They'll understand that's more important.'
Friend: 'When you get tired of them, you could invite them all to a party and let them get mad at each other.'
Student employee: 'I don't know, I've already done that once.'
----------------------
Me: 'That patron recognized me, so he thought I'd recognize him and remember what book he had checked out last time. But the pool of people on this side of the desk is much smaller than the pool of people on that side. There's a lesson here for all of us, I think, when we're out there in the world, about not counting on staff at other businesses recognizing us.'
Student employee: 'That guy was so full of himself.'
----------------------
Student employee: "Maybe I should be nice to him… he gives me WAY better presents when I'm nice to him. Honestly, this man deserves the world. Just not from me."
----------------------
Student employee: 'My house doesn't have any outlets on the outside, so to use my hairdryer I had to run SIX extension cords through the window, plus a lamp. I made the power go out a few times.'
----------------------
Student employee: "I don't think my life's purpose is to entertain others."
----------------------
Student employee, watching new security gates be installed: 'Can I have the old ones for my house?'
different student: 'What would you use them for?'
this student: 'I don't know, I'd figure it out once I got them. There's no use making plans for things until you know they'll be possible, otherwise you'll be disappointed.'
----------------------
Student employee: 'I can't even hope someone else will break his heart, because nobody else can do it like I can.'
----------------------
Student employee: 'I'm tired. We need free energy drinks in this job. [My name], I want you to get this done for me.'
Me: 'I worry we'd have a Tragedy of the Commons issue, where everyone drank them all immediately instead of waiting until they really needed them.'
Student employee: 'Don't tell anyone but me that the drinks are here.'
----------------------
Student employee: 'Because I'm an immigrant, I could say some wild stuff and nobody could stop me. It's really fun being me. Live, laugh, love.'
----------------------
Student employee: 'I feel like if I worked at an office, I'd be really good at being passive aggressive, like in a professional way.'
----------------------
Student employee: 'I feel so bad for all the additional admitted students next year. There won't be enough housing for them, everything will be super crowded, the administration is being really stupid. I think maybe it's because so many people took gap years in covid, if you'll be staying home anyway why start college at the same time?'
*pauses*
*brightens*
'So that means there'll be a lot fewer people my age applying to grad school and I'll have less competition! This is perfect!'
----------------------
Student employee: 'Coming to work has gotten cheaper since I started paying for parking in advance instead of paying parking tickets.'
----------------------
*sotto voice, using a coupon on an amazon order*
Student employee: "I am just so intelligent. God bless me."
----------------------
Student employee: 'You should put that disco ball on top of the desk instead of underneath it. If patrons don't like it they can just complain.'
Me: 'It looks better in the dark, though.'
Student employee: 'So turn off all the building lights.'
----------------------
*describing current relationship*
Student employee: "We're so goals. We're so Golden Retriever/Black Cat."
----------------------
Me: 'Thanks for being so thorough trying to find that book for that patron… I tried to find a similar book earlier and I didn't spend nearly as long looking as you did.'
Student employee: 'He was my friend, I wouldn't have looked that long if it were someone else.'
Me: 'I was praising you! Don't tell me that!'
Before deleting Facebook, I used to post a lot of quotes from the undergraduate students that I supervise. Now you tumblr users get to experience them here instead. I'll even use the "shit my students say" tag for your convenience!
People only ever peer owlishly or blink owlishly, there is so much untapped design space... talk to me when you hunt mice owlishly. screech owlishly. turn your head 180 degrees owlishly. regurgitate pellets owlishly.
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