1 INFJ

[glamurosa247-deactivated2025010]

[one-infj]

INFJ on dating a person who doesn’t enjoy talking for hours and hours and hours...

So, (three months on from my last post) is going out with a person who doesn’t like in-depth talk a means for break-up for me? 

I still don’t know. 

He doesn’t enjoy in-depth discussion for the sake of in-depth discussion like I do - for the enjoyment of it. Long drawn-out discussion to him must have an end in sight: a solution or a conclusion. I enjoy it for it’s own sake. He doesn’t enjoy retreading old ground in discussion either. To him, once it’s been discussed once, that’s it, no need for any more, why bother going around in circles and wasting time? (To hear this from him actually really hurt me -  it’s so utterly against what I am). To me, even if we were to discuss the same topic a few times, there would be other meanings to derive from it each time, like re-reading an old book and feeling other meanings come through that you didn’t catch first time. 

Right now this is what I’m thinking: I have spent so many years of my life craving in-depth communication as an antidote to loneliness and all of this existential dread. The result is that I analyze things endlessly, but has this been good for me? Has this really helped me? Has this been beneficial to me? I don’t think so. 

Short-term, I feel relieved after a long talk, and long-term, it feels to me like a deeply intimate act which secures the bond between myself and my partner.  These are good things though, right? 

I have found myself wanting to ask this man extremely probing questions, because it’s been some months now, and I am desperate to know pretty much everything there is to know about him. How can we profess to love one another if we don’t know all there is to know? What does love really mean in a context like that? I think love to him, is purely enjoying his life with someone whose company he enjoys. (Agh, but this alone feels shallow to me! Fuck! Who even are we though?) I asked myself: Is this man repressing things? Where is his “dark side”? Why does he seem so stable? Is this man literally too mentally stable for me? Is he really so simple beneath the surface? Do I actually find him bland? Where are the imperfections? 

He never tells me the content of his nightmares. He probably doesn’t want to talk about them because he doesn’t like them (obviously) and he’d rather forget about them and move on. That alone is enough for me to feel suspicious. (I feel ashamed to admit this). I don’t know why it makes me suspicious, but it feels symbolic of his terms with me: I don’t feel entirely let in, though I probably want to be let too far in? I really hate being kept at a distance. God, reading back what I’ve wrote here, I feel like such an annoying, intrusive person. But I want him to bash through my comfort zone and ask me questions which will solicit a fucked up answer. I want him to pull out everything disgusting in me and be able to tell me that he still loves me. (What am I looking for here? Him to be the godly man on the other side of the grate who gives me repentance and forgiveness? I guess so. There’s so much in my life that I feel dirty and dreadful and guilty for. If someone knew the entirety of me, would they still love me? If I knew the entirety of them, would I still love them? What’s the point in everyone hiding and saying “I love this person”?) 

So this need to have long discussions: I think I have overdosed on it in my life. 

At this point, I am taking the standpoint (possibly out of obligation or necessity), that this is less about what I want, and more about what is actually good for me. 

He is certainly more mentally healthy than me, and I aspire to that. I’ve never seen him cry. I’ve rarely seen him flustered. And while those things are not indicative of good mental health by themselves, he does admit very candidly and openly when he does feel anxious or nervous, and is not ashamed to ask me for help or support, or to be held when he wakes up from a nightmare. He is ten years older than me, and has told me many times that he is an extremely sensitive person who has learned how to navigate the spikiness of this world. He has coping mechanisms. Perhaps talk is cheap to him, and his behavior would demonstrate this: rather than speaking, he acts. Rather than having a 2-hour conversation about something he already knows is hurting me, he offers to go for a quiet walk with me, he sits with me and teaches me breathing techniques to help me calm down. He asks me if there is anything he can do to help me. 

I don’t actually believe that all of the philosophizing I have done has brought me any happiness, (which, ultimately, feels much wiser than the pursuit of becoming wise itself). 

Perhaps part of me is having some cognitive dissonance here, but I’ve no idea.   But what I am doing which is undoubtedly positive, constructive and healthy is spending more time doing extrovert things, and I think I need to keep at this. I need to learn more, I need to get out more, I need to spend more time working on things which make me uncomfortable. 

I need to spend less time living in my head and more time living in the real world. 

[one-infj]

I don’t think I can handle a relationship with someone who doesn’t enjoy talking for hours and having real, in-depth, heart-to-hearts on a regular basis.  Without that, I kind of feel like I’m just walking around all the time, going to places, being at places, saying the same things, performing the same actions. Carrying my physical presence around and making it do the same things: talk, smile at this point, laugh at that point, nod. Small talk things. 

You could take me to some great places, with great people, do great things.. and.. - ... I feel hideously ungrateful. 

[one-infj]

I miss this place. 

I have (I think) an extrovert partner. (He isn’t interested in MBTI, which, I must admit, made me a little sad, haha.. Also now I’m going out of my mind trying to figure out his type).  Right now I am in bed, (slightly pretending to be) ill, (just so that I can recharge my batteries). I probably don’t need to go as far as that, but it feels easier than to say anything else. 

We don’t converse as deeply as I hoped we would when we begun this relationship. In my last relationship, I’d stay up with my partner for hours and hours, talking, philosophizing, etc. 

I’ll probably be writing a lot more here. 

[one-infj]

I’m so sorry for not updating in so long. I have been very ill and unable to keep up with writing here currently. I have been struggling with mental illness and did not want any of that come through in my writing about INFJ specific things. I hope you are all well and I hope to have more things to write about as soon as I can. 

[one-infj]

I don’t want friends who are so different to me; I’m not interested in learning anything from friends, or teaching friends important lessons through confronting or correcting them, or myself being confronted and commiserated, and dragged backward through the common trials… It’s idealistic and unrealistic, but something in me strives for the closest possible match, so that when we might look at one another, that mutual understanding will actually penetrate all of the layers of isolation built up in us from the trials we have weathered from all of those past lessons of failed friendships.

[one-infj]

I’m so lonely I feel physically weighted down by it. I’m full of memories of the most recent friend I’d made, slowly fading back away from me, and how we said we wouldn’t desert one another and yet it happened. And, I crave, crave, crave warm arms of a sweet friend to fall into... to laugh with and cry with, an understanding heart... someone who will feel real to me and have deep mutual connection with. It just feels so hard. I’m so scared.

[one-infj]

I just wanted to show my admiration for your blog, as you actually know how to put your thoughts into words- I tried to do so a while ago and I almost ended up as 'new the e.e. cummings'. As an INFJ, I'm often seen as nitpicker. Moreover, good memory leads to damnation when it comes to relation between human beings. It actually confuses me a lot, when people don't remember those significant thoughts I've poured into their minds, rofl.

Thank you so, so much! :D

I find it very helpful to be able to have this place to air my thoughts; - I struggle a lot with keeping things like personal journals and diaries to track day-by-day thoughts, because I end up going a single tangents for so long, that by the time it has occured to me to write about just what happened in one day, I’ve got an aching hand, lol! 

It feels better for me to just write about things or feelings as they come, so I can nitpick that one thing for as long as I feel I need to - it saves a lot of clutter in my mind (well, most of the time anyway!) x

[one-infj]

my dear silent flower, thank you so much for your words. the way how you put your thoughts in words, i love it. its the way you write, i felt in love with. when i first read your texts, i was really happy. i was looking for something like them. i can not put my feeligs or thaugs into words but you, you can describe it so well. i feel so much of these things you wrote. thank you. please go on, im always happy to hear something new from you. i wish you all the best. have a nice day your infj ❀

Oh my gosh.. This made my entire week… From the bottom of my heart - thank you, thank you, thank you! You are an angel. 💕

[one-infj]

Making a deep connection with someone who understands...

The feeling that comes over me when a deep connection has become firmly established with another person… I need to talk about it.

Like the feeling of walking up a long stretch of a steep hill paved both sides with the people I encountered before who misread, mistreated, misunderstood, assumed too much, felt too little - that when I reach the top, and can see and am seen by that person: warm, with eyes that see through to my core of good intentions, I am spent and tearful with gratitude.

I want to collapse at the top of that hill, and into their arms; comforted by some precious and unspoken mutual understanding that it’s okay - because they see me at last, and I saw them too - and all of their beautiful intentions beaming out of them like the bright white light ahead that made all of that past battling worth it even when I felt sure that my legs would give way underneath me.

And the knowledge that splits my heart down its seams: that I was never so alone.. They were not stationary, at the top of that hill, simply waiting for me and knowing I was coming. They were not always in my view, because whilst I was walking up, they themselves had had to walk up that same dreadful hill: the other side of it, also paved with their own confused and mocking and frowning detractors… to get to me.

The delicious silence that we lock together in would have in that moment… like the vitality of oxygen. Packed with meaning, love, understanding, acceptance, grief and comfort all in one hit to share it this way. I can just but whisper in barely audible urgency, my gratitude, my relief.

We have to believe that there is always going to be that someone, walking up this hill along with us: just the other side.

[one-infj]

INFJ making new friends.

When I actually meet people I really like, it can mess me up so much simply because I find myself inside wondering all about them. I want to know all their interests and fascinstions and passions and the deep inner workings of who they are and I so easily forget about my responsibilities in the midst of my turtle-like social enthusiasm for them. It's like I've gone without the "right" kind of social nourishment for so long that I just want to peek out now and explore. It's a very happy feeling, but one that I feel I need to keep an eye on lest I fall behind on my duties. It's like the psychological version of if I'm talking to a friend in town and I lose my spacial awareness and stand too close to the road as I'm saying goodbye or something!

[one-infj]

I have only ever deeply regretted going through with the things that other people told me were good ideas. That is why I put so much trust into my intuition. I mostly always know what I want or need to do; I just want empathy over advice.

[one-infj]

Random over-sensitive memory

When I was around 8-ish, I was given a birthday cake with relighting candles as a joke.   My parents laughed when they saw me trying to keep blow them out and I started crying because I felt like it was a cruel joke to make me look silly. 

Lmfao, I was genuinely so hurt and offended by that. 

[one-infj]

{ I am still trying to properly ingrain this into my own mind } You are not obliged to like or to befriend anyone, if it doesn’t feel right to you. This goes for everyone you meet: It could be your boyfriends friends, your girlfriends friends, your sister or brothers friends, new friends of old friends, and old friendship that an old friend has rekindled… Anyone you don’t feel comfortable with, for any reason at all. If your intuition is telling you to stay away from somebody, you are perfectly allowed to not entertain them, be around them, spend your time with them, or socialize with them, in the name of harmony, to the detriment of your own personal harmony; in the name of setting others free of conflict, only to internalize all of it inside yourself! Look at how you feel when you return home, back to your safe place, your bedroom, and assess what is going on in your own personal feelings. Did the social situation make you happy? Or did they weigh you down, fill you with doubts, or trouble you? You are allowed to feel however you did, or do, or will. You don’t need to “prove” anything, or justify yourself, or defend your decision. If your experiences with such people are showing to you: This person speaks in a way I find unlikable, disagreeable, and the things I hear them they say about other people - other friends, their own lover, my lover, whoever - are toxic, poisonous, derogatory, antagonistic, cold, untrustworthy, gossipping, trashy, and show them to be prone to shallow insults and superficial judgements, character assumptions or hatred… You are allowed to distance yourself, and spend your time in better ways, around people whose company and presence you do enjoy. No one owns you, no one has the right to attempt to force you into a connection, or even try.

For my fellow conflict-avoidant, seekers of peace and harmony, every INFJ, and those with DPD. 

[one-infj]

An INFJ studying art at University. (ugh)

Creating art under the pressing anxieties of deadlines, or under a sense of obligational creation, stems everything from conception of art all the way to successful execution of a piece. Creating art under the anxiety from the certainty of death, - under spells of existentialist thought, - fuels my artistic creativity, as it stems from an understood appreciation of and for life, and life is an endlessly inspiring thing. Without life, there is no creation. I create to celebrate beauty, to understand life, to implore my dreams, and the most lifeless and dreamless place I ever had the misforunte of creating in were those rotten University art classes. No wonder I have had so many romantic fantasies of falling desperately, wildly in love in a classroom whilst a lecturer is droning on and on and on. Oh to fill that dead place up with lust, turn it into a jungle, some kind of reproductive palace. Now I think about it, the fact that that would be forbidden actually seriously annoys me. I hate the idea of an art class in which fucking in it would be frowned upon. It seems like they’d have seen much more “potential” in me if I turned up each morn in a long, mustard sweater and cardigan, neat shoes and a messy bun, readily pre-packed for bundling right off to some company or whatever, so that I can meet more deadlines, and be under even more pressure, and die having completely lost my sense of what I even originally hoped to do with my heart in the first place.

[one-infj]

I love your ability to put things into words! It's like reading my own thoughts.

Thank you so much, it always, always means the world to me when people so intimately understand and *get* what I say here. x

[one-infj]

I just stumbled across a few things you wrote and I just wanted to let you know, I totally 100% get it. ^^ I mean, obviously I don't know you personally, but I feel very much the same about relationships/friendships, having to explain a lot and how important that is, especially for emotional intimacy. I'm not that great at putting things into words, though (still working on that).

Thank you so, so, so much. x