Giving Too Much, Too Fast
Someone once told me that there are three things you should never do until you feel like you'll absolutely die if you don't: have sex, get married, and make a baby. I always said that I fucked up two of those, but at least I got the third one right. Ignoring that this advice is deeply rooted in sexism, it's stuck with me. There are some things that are so big or irreversible that you should hesitate. You should move carefully and be very sure of every step.
I've been thinking about this as it relates to the beginning of a D/s relationship. As a submissive, there’s that rush of excitement when a potential Dominant takes control. It feels so good to get an order or obey an order—to suddenly feel that thread of connection and control. And you just want more and more and more.
But sometimes you crave the feeling of submission so much that you move too fast. Sometimes you agree to new rules that you’re not quite ready for. Sometimes you commit quickly to someone who hasn’t shown they are trustworthy. You give power that you later realize you shouldn't have given.
It takes time to build the kind of trust needed to commit to a person, especially when it comes to power exchange relationships. There’s no shortcut. You can’t trust someone when you haven’t seen how they respond to conflict or how they handle stress. And you especially can’t trust them to make decisions and set rules for you.
This is why I always tried to take D/s dating slowly. I tried to hold my boundaries firm and only give control when I was sure I was ready to give it. This slow, deliberate approach gave me time to build trust and also to see whether a Dominant would respect my boundaries.
Submissives can and should have boundaries, especially early in a relationship. And Dominants will bump up against them sometimes. That isn’t necessarily a problem. It’s not a bad sign for Dominants to want to take more control early on; they are just as eager as submissives. But they need to know how to respond to being told no.
Two tales of “no”: One Dominant wanted me to start keeping a daily journal for her…after our third date. I said I’d be happy to write about a specific topic or experience, but that I was not ready for a standing rule. She called it topping from the bottom and said I wasn’t a real submissive. Contrast that with the Dominant who told me on the first date that I could call him Sir, then backed off when I said I wasn’t ready for titles. Two different responses to my boundary, which told me a lot about their trustworthiness. And I never would have known if I’d said yes to both.
Then when Monsieur and I started dating, I practically ached to submit to him. I wanted to give him control over everything, right from the start. He felt like he could be my forever person. Still, we wanted to take it slow. So we started with a few small rules in place during dates. And then a few tasks here and there. Then he’d express a preference or propose a potential rule (e.g., making the bed every morning), and I’d have to think it through.
It was never a question of wanting to obey him. But I had to consider whether I was ready for it. I didn’t want to create an expectation if I wasn’t ready to be consistent with it. So I would wait until I felt very, very sure before giving him control over something. I didn’t exactly wait until I thought I’d die if I didn’t do it… But I took each step carefully. This helped us to lay a solid foundation. I needed to be able to trust his leadership, and he needed to be able to trust that I would follow.
It was so unlike all the times I'd been wheedled into handing over control. All those times made me feel weaker. Smaller. But when I waited until I felt truly ready to give a piece of control, it felt empowering. It was a gift I chose to give, rather than something that was stolen out from underneath me.
When you give your submission too early, it’s based on what you assume about a person, not what they have proven themselves to be. You assume they respect your boundaries, but those boundaries haven’t been tested. That’s a dangerous place to be.
Submissives are in the challenging position of wanting to give themselves to a Dominant but also needing to guard themselves against those who don’t have their best interests at heart. The only way I’ve found to do this is to only give my submission gradually, bit by bit, and only when I am sure I’m ready.
Sometimes taking it slow makes a big difference.
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