where it all spills

[onearth-inhead]

The best day ever or...

12:01 a.m.

I sit in your lap.

“Happy Birthday,” you say.

We kiss.

No, I don’t want midnight cake cutting.

No, I don’t want all those calls

or to reply to their wishes.

I’d rather be in your arms

a little longer.

Oh, the game we play,

it’s so fun.

I sit and watch you talk,

with that look of love in my eyes,

and I think— Oh, I can do this all my life.

Wait. I fell.

I fell for you.

We sleep.

That tiny little space,

just you and me.

The world blurs.

I care for no one but us.

Oh, my head buried in your chest.

Oh, how I want this for every day of my life.

But I know I can’t have it,

because tomorrow, you have to leave.

Argh! The curse of long distance.

No.

All bad thoughts aside,

you are here,

in this moment,

and I will make the most of it.

Birthday morning.

Oh no… I don’t want to get up.

I’d rather hold you, just a bit more.

I, 4'11", trying to big spoon a 6'1".

It’s funny.

It’s cute.

And you know what?

It’s comfortable.

Just like you.

We are supposed to go out.

Why can’t we just stay in,

in each other’s embrace?

I don’t remember

when we woke up,

what we wore,

what we ate.

Because all that mattered was you,

with me.

Those hugs.

The stolen kisses.

The confessions.

The vulnerability.

And that ache... of having to part soon.

Yet, best day of my life, till now.

I do remember it all,

in vivid detail,

but also as a blurred memory now.

The facts stayed.

The feelings too.

The moments didn’t.

Now I search for the signs,

on your face,

in your words,

in your actions,

in those moments.

Where was it quietly falling apart?

But the scenes...

There's nothing there.

Because I looked at you in love,

just not the way you needed.

A warm filter, making everything glow,

while hiding the battles inside,

the parts love alone couldn’t fix.

When did it all fall apart?

When I asked for too much?

Too much attention?

Too much reassurance?

Too much presence?

What was it?

Me?

You?

Timing?

Destiny?

God?

The universe?

What?

WHAT?

Why is it that the best day of my life

lives as the worst now?

Because I was too happy?

Because you were never fully there?

Or because that best day

led straight into the worst month?

[onearth-inhead]

Not you. Me.

Oh how I wish you were

The first kiss,

The first greeting,

The first call,

The first text,

The first company,

The first meeting

Of the new year.

You were my first

In so many things,

And I wish you were

In my new year too.

But am I allowed

To want this,

When it was I who left you,

Left us,

And the possibility?

[onearth-inhead]

i don't wanna do it anymore

Dear S,

I made bhindi today. My mother guided me.. step by step. I found out the way I made it for you.. wasn't the right way.. but didn't you say that was the best bhindi you've ever had. So how do I trust her now? 

Bhindi is ready. She was right.. but this one isn't the best bhindi ever.. it's just bhindi. it just is.

I am also making kadi. It isn't your fav.. but it's mine. I was going to make it for you. I wanted to learn how to make kadi not because it is my favourite.. but because it wasn't yours. I wanted to show you why it is mine. 

My mom is teaching me how to make kadi.. but I can't seem to pay attention. Because I can't see the purpose anymore.. because you’re not here to taste it. I never  even liked cooking for anyone.. but for you.. for you I wanted to. 

Maybe cooking isn't just about food.. maybe it's about the people you love. And you… you were the one I loved the most.

[onearth-inhead]

I made kadhi yesterday and I didn't think of you.. I made it because it's my love and not because I wanted to show you why I love it. I am happy. I am cooking now... For myself.

[onearth-inhead]

Human love is very selfish in being selfless.

[onearth-inhead]

The dilemma

I now realise that I was your prompt,

Not your muse,

And it stings.

Your words feel hollow,

Empty.

As if you never meant them.

Did you mean them?

You did, right?

But wait...

You weren't sure either...

I was only your inspiration.

'cause if I was the reason,

your actions would've said so.

And so now I am in a dilemma.

You said you love me,

but your actions didn't.

You say you didn't mean to do the bad,

But you did, didn't you?

Now I don't know what to believe,

Your words?

But how?

Or your actions?

But I don't want to.

Funny how you didn't say things you should've.

But you did the things you shouldn't have.

So I am left,

in this limbo,

to untangle it all by myself.

[onearth-inhead]

all I knew...

I was told that love is giving.

In a relationship, you give.

And so I did.

I gave,

And gave,

And gave.

Because I didn't know

when to stop.

I even asked,

But no one had the answer.

So I kept giving because

that's all I knew.

[onearth-inhead]

Different purpose,

different lives.

You, the wild,

Me, the mild.

We didn't realise... until we did,

how something so ordinary,

described our entirety.

[onearth-inhead]

Aeroplanes✈️

Yes… hundreds pass by every day.

Yes… we live close to the airport.

Yes… a flight is passing as I write this.

Yes… I’ll still look up every time I can.

Yes… the sound of an airplane will always pull me from any conversation.

Yes… sometimes I wave goodbye when I’m alone.

Yes… I point them out when I’m with friends.

Yes… every time I hear the same:

“But so many pass by every day, until when will you keep doing this?”

Honestly, idk.

Maybe until the child in me dies.

Or until I do.

I hope it’s the latter.

[tennpi]

&& perhaps, the hardest part of letting go of someone you truly love isn't about that one time you decide that you should move on, it's about letting go every time they cross your mind, before you finally accept that your paths are no longer connected and you find peace in moving forward while memories of them live inside your head

[tennpi]

the funny thing is, despite all the pain, i never would've done the same to you

[nighttime-thoughts]

Please tell me i'm not as forgettable as your silence is making me feel.

[onearth-inhead]

and now I exist without mattering to him, yet he still matters to me...

[libraryinthehut]

📼Fragments of Then.

I was thinking today,

how sometimes I say I love a show, or a book, or a song I came across years ago.

And I mean it. With all my heart. I even recommend it like it’s gospel.

But… I haven’t touched it in ages. Haven’t rewatched, reread, relistened.

And a small part of me wonders,

if I did, would I still feel the same?

Would it still make me feel full? Or would it feel like I was borrowing someone else's comfort?

But then again,

maybe I don’t need to go back to it.

Maybe the point was never the thing itself,

but what it left behind.

That kind of love doesn’t always last in the same form.

Sometimes it just lingers in the quiet,

a scent, a color, a line, a memory that makes your chest tighten for reasons you can’t explain.

So maybe I don't need to revisit it.

Maybe I just need to honor the way it made me feel the way it cracked something open in me,

or gently held the parts I couldn’t.

Maybe that’s enough.

Maybe that’s what it means for something

to stay with you..

not because you keep going back to it,

but because a part of you never left.

And somehow, that feels comforting.

Like a quiet kind of forever.

[onearth-inhead]

Why, after everything?

I have decided to leave.

I have left.

Yet I visit the same place more than you,

even if only in thoughts

hoping you will visit

or at least notice that I have left.

Why you, of all people,

had to make me this miserable?

[onearth-inhead]

What would you do if I died?

Give every explanation you owe me

[onearth-inhead]

why run from us?

you said the relationship felt like a chore.

did the person feel like a chore too?

did she drain you, or did she make you feel relaxed?

are you sure the relationship wasn't a chore for her as well?

what even is your definition of chore?

if the relationship was a chore,

if it's not about her...

why not give second chance to the person and not relationship?

we don't have to fix something that can't be repaired. instead we start anew?

maybe this wasn't meant to be the end...

but a sign to grow?

to grow together.

[onearth-inhead]

I don't know what to do anymore

I just wanna go somewhere and sit alone

so god could pity me

and maybe send him back