And when your parental living in another state doesn't answer your texts asking questions about mental health and reaching out in general...
It feels a little defeating
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@onebuckybitch
And when your parental living in another state doesn't answer your texts asking questions about mental health and reaching out in general...
It feels a little defeating
I'm coming to a slow realization that my desire to write does not outweigh my lack of inspiration or ability. Not that I can't physically write. But with how I'm feeling and how the world is moving around us right now, I do not have the energy or ability to write with the same enthusiasm I once did.
This, in turn, creates empty pages or lackluster writing and I refuse to post anything that I don't genuinely love. If I didn't have fun writing it, how can I expect anyone who might come across it to have fun reading it? Not to mention, if it gets posted and never read or enjoyed, if I didn't enjoy making it, then what at all is the point of posting it?
Fandom should be equally fun for the creators of fan works as it is for those absorbing said works. I don't know about you, but I can tell when a writer just wasn't into it and it waters down the story to me.
I'm trying to figure out what's going on on my head, finding myself lacking in the joy I used to have with things, and I think I might very well need a mental health break. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown and maybe I need to so I can build the train back up again (Jack Johnson reference).
I am genuinely sorry to anyone who might be waiting on the next chapters of things. And I'm sorry to those I've drifted away from in just casual talk and fandom fun babbling together. I'm feeling incredibly not me lately and I think I need to figure that out.
Maybe I'll return to the writing world, and if I do, it would be so nice to see some of my old friends from when I was more prolific. Or maybe I'll have a brand new audience and that's okay.
I've got an account on BlueSky if you want to keep in touch. I can give it to you if you ask in messaging because I try to keep this account free from all my other accounts. BlueSky would be the best place to contact me and share in my enjoying cute animals and bitching about the government.
no because how did Bucky even end up at the Smithsonian. how did he find out about the Captain America Retrospective while he was wandering around DC, slinking in the shadows in stolen clothes with a dislocated shoulder and a pulsing mess of memories trying to untangle itself in his mind.
did he see the exhibit advertised on a poster, a billboard, did somebody slip a flyer in his gloved hand? did his breath hitch when he saw Steve's face, suit and helmet on - painted pretty and heroic and whole, not broken and pale and barely breathing like Bucky had left him on the riverside? did he go because he knew this was the only way he could see Steve's face again, and he had to, he needed to see it again, needed to understand the confusing, overwhelming emotions it sparked inside his chest?
and he did go. he deliberately took himself to this very very public place, walked amongst the crowd with his face exposed, and risked being recognized or captured or worse, just to stand there in the only place where he'd be surrounded by Steve. by his past. by the proof that all the things Steve told him on the helicarrier were true.
did he even realize that he himself would be part of the exhibit? did he even remember, at this point in time, that he - that Bucky Barnes, whoever that was - was such an intrinsic and fundamental part of Steve's life, that they couldn't possibly tell Steve's story without mentioning him, too? that they couldn't even begin to describe Steve without pointing out how inseparable they were? that there would have been no Captain America without Bucky, not because Bucky was his irreplaceable sidekick, but because the only reason Steve became Cap in the first place was Bucky himself? that the only reason 399 men survived the war was because Bucky happened to be held prisoner in the same facility as them? that god only knows how many people, children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, owe their lives to the fact that one Steve Rogers loved Bucky Barnes so much, he risked it all for him, and only for him? do you think there's any chance that I'll ever get over any of this????
you can only reblog this today
So, the concept I've got right now...
Zoro is sick. He caught a bug at sea. Chopper and Nami then are going to be taking care of him at the ship while Luffy and Usopp go looking for Sanji, whose been kidnapped by dead pirates on a ghost island. Zoro gets restless, sneacks off, and goes searching for Sanji in the middle of the night.
The spirits of the island only exist visibly during the early morning hours and at night. When the sun is high in the sky, they're not there. They're inside, in dark spaces.
Zoro finds the dead pirate ship docked near them and goes in because it's the only place for miles that has a visible light. He finds Sanji, nearly dead on his feet, cooking in the ship's galley. It's dark and dusty and everything is covered in mold, including the food Sanji is cooking. But he's being kept there, and kept sick by the pirates (they're slowly killing him so he can be a permanent part of their crew).
Then, I haven't decided if Zoro's going to manage to get Sanji out on his own, or Luffy and Usopp are gonna show up, after finding their way back to the docks with no luck finding Sanji. They see the light on the one and only other ship at the docks and explore, finding Sanji almost dead and Zoro fighting ghosts off while guarding Sanji's collapsed body.
There's a lot in my mind on this. Like, it's sounding fun as I'm working on it.
Now, here's the twist. I'm not a One Piece author. So, will this get posted on ao3? With all my Bucky Barnes content?
Maybe. I don't know. Maybe only exclusively on Tumblr, lol
Stop letting me write!
There's also a section in what I've written that's all, Zoro being sick and worried like shit for Sanji because he lost him, and then Chopper getting pissed at him for not telling the others he's been sick. Then Luffy offers to go find Sanji for him...
"Don't worry about Sanji," Luffy says confidently. "Let Chopper fix you. Usopp and I will go find Sanji!"
Usopp nods quickly. "Yeah! Luffy and Usopp will..." He stops and blinks. "Luffy and- and I? We'll- Will we?"
Luffy laughs and grips Usopp's shoulder. "Stop joking around. We have to find our friend."
Usopp bites back a groan and sighs. "Luffy and I will find Sanji," he agrees, though he looks green as he does.
Dude
I did NOT write amine on purpose in that last post. I'm just stoned
Not me, having finished the second season on Netflix and being... somewhere around them finding Brooke in the amine...
And wanting to write a spooky ghost story side adventure for the crew after Chopper came on board...
Or. You know. Writing it a little bit and making both Zoro sick and Sanji kidnapped by ghosts who want a new eternal chef even though none of them can actually eat.
help?
I have a spam message on this site from a bullshit account that won't load when I click on it and refuses to act as read. It will not be deleted and I'm stuck with a constant notification for a spam message I can never read.
How do I get rid of this bullshit? I can't delete the conversation. The account exists, but the message itself refuses to load. I want this notification gone. What's the point of a notification I can see with a connected message I cannot read?
Clint Barton & Tony Stark Hawkeye (2012) #6
HAWKEYE - "Introduction by Matt Fraction"
Hawkeye: My Life As A Weapon Marvel Premier Collection
This is how I find out me and Matt Fraction are both Portlanders
Under a read more for length and sadness. Thunderbolts related. Warning for character death
Alexei has custom West Chesapeake Thunderbolts shirts made for the team. He does it because he's really proud of Yelena and the whole name thing is getting out of hand with the New Avengerz vs the Avengers. At one point, Bucky says, "let's just go by Thunderbolts. That's what we already chose, right?" And it sparks Alexei to get the shirts.
John thinks it's stupid and doesn't wear his. Yelena and Ava wear theirs for bed. Bob is just happy to have a new shirt and wears it whenever.
Bucky, however, decides to play along. He starts wearing his to team meetings. Right alongside Alexei. He'll wear it out to the store, especially when Yelena is there. People ask, he'll go off on tangents about how his "little sister" and her team are so amazing. Alexei will get into it, too (though his reasoning is proud dad while Bucky's is being a shit to Yelena because he genuinely sees her as a sister).
It gets to the point where Yelena refuses to go anywhere with Bucky unless he promises not to wear the shirt. And that works, for a while. Then, he shows up to something wearing it with the simple shrug excuse of, "it's laundry day."
He doesn't gush. Doesn't make any comments. When people ask, he just says, "yeah, my sister's old team," and carries on.
To the point Yelena actually gets a little nostalgic for when he used to be a shit about it. She tells him, "Hey, it's okay. I don't really mind the shirt. It's... cute?"
And Bucky starts wearing it more, casts little sideways looks at her when someone asks. He makes comments about his little sister and being proud of her.
"Even after all these years, she's still doing her best to help the world."
Yelena overhears that one and has to stop what she's doing. She excuses herself to the bathroom to cry, because she realizes that he's never been teasing her. Not really.
Bucky has always been proud of his "little sister" Yelena. Since the first mission when she walked right into the Void without a thought about her own safety. Only caring about helping Bob and the rest of New York. Bucky has been proud of the whole team, but especially Yelena.
And then... Doomsday. Bucky is fighting along with everyone, but he miscalculates. He gets hit and doesn't make it. And everyone on the team is distraught. But Yelena is wrecked.
She's just lost one of her biggest comforts and supporters in this world. She has to reconcile with a world that is missing her big brother.
At the funeral, the whole team is there. Yelena is there with Bucky's Thunderbolts shirt, just holding on for dear life.
And at the end, when she goes to the casket for her own final moments with him, she leaves the shirt in the casket, right on his chest.
"Thank you for believing in me, брат."
Yeah, I didn't mean for that to go sad, but... I love the big brother, little sister dynamic for these two and my mind ran away from me, lol
I'm sad. And I don't know how to express it.
I'm feeling like the things I want to do to give myself peace aren't allowed? I don't know. It feels like all my energy is going into what everyone around me wants to do. I just want to sit with my stories, or my other projects, but I barely get 5 minutes into domestic before I'm pulled out of it because someone else wants to do something else and... I haven't finished but one project in the past seven months, and it's starting to break me. I have all these things I want to do, but I have so many more unfinished things now than I ever have because stuff gets set aside and then forgotten about. It feels like the only time I get to do the things that make my heart sing right now is when everyone around me is asleep. And it hurts.
I'm trying to be encouraging to others to do the things that make them happy, but it feels like I'm not afforded the same space or encouragement to do my things. I'm tired, and I can feel myself starting to cry, and I'm hiding because... I just don't feel good right now. I don't want to be caught crying. I don't want to sound like a jerk for just wanting to embrace my own path to happiness, but it feels like I'm just not allowed to lately. And it's wearing me down so much.
Even the projects I'm doing for other people, which gives me so much joy, have been put on a back burner. Every time I pick one of them up, within 5 minutes of getting into the swing of it, something comes up and I have to pack it all away in its bag again. I haven't done a project just for me in ages. I've got an idea and a project sitting on the back of my mind. I even brought them out of storage to work with, but I haven't gotten to touch them.
I'm sorry. I feel so fucking drained and it feels so fucking stupid to feel this way.
Rereading the start and the various extra scenes I wrote for the next bit of Hydra Horror and suddenly, I actually want to write more.
I forgot Tony can actually see Jasmine (reasons to be revealed throughout the story) and he just thinks she's an hallucination (also spoilery so not stating why). I'm excited to write again, holy shit.
I just reread my latest (published in March, lol) MCU Rewrite story and it makes me want to write a continuation. It's the one where Steve helps Tony through a panic after the Extremis stuff. Tony offers to buy Steve lunch and Steve can pay him back by telling stories about Bucky... I kind of want to delve into that more. Have Tony become enamored by Bucky through Steve's telling him stories.
And then, the crush when he finds out later that Bucky is the Winter Soldier and the one that killed his parents, but because Steve's told him so much about Bucky, Steve asks Tony to help him save Bucky. And Tony's turmoil from finding things out in the midst of traveling with Steve, Sam, and Nat.
Because I have it planned he'll uncover the files in found research to try and help, and he'll see the video all on his own. But he'll see Bucky, when they finally get to him, and he's got to fight within himself to remember that the man before the Winter Soldier was so much kinder and softer and Steve's best friend, so he can't be all that bad outside the brainwashing.
I can see Tony being the one to contact Wakanda, after an all-out brawl with federal agents to protect Bucky. Telling them he's got a friend who needs help. Because Tony's read about Wakanda, and he knows how advanced they are, how much smarter most of them are than him, and he knows Bucky didn't kill the king. But he's got to convince them so Bucky can get help.
I can see T'Challa coming to kill Bucky and Tony purposefully blocking every attempt. Because he trusts Steve, and if Steve says Bucky didn't do it, then Bucky didn't do it.
I've got... ideas.
The problem is, I've also got Hydra Horror to finish and I haven't written anything substantial since May (the Thunderbolts story) and I really don't know if I've got it in me to write anymore. I've been teetering mentally, and my body isn't doing the best. Not sick, but chronic pain that has stopped me frequently from being able to do... anything. This is the most I've typed in one sitting for months, and my hands are already cramping. My back is so tired and hurts all the time. I'm just exhausted overall and though I want to write... I just don't know if I can.
super not safe for work, sexually explicit commentary under the read more...
Soooooo.... I cannot be the only person out there thinking about Tony getting himself and Rhodey some... special treats. And those treats being replicas of each other's dicks as dildos. For whenever Rhodey is too far away or they're just not together for whatever reason.