Looking For Peace In Chaos @onedayiwillknowwhoiam - Tumblr Blog

I want to be heard

I want to be understood

I want to be loved

I want to be appreciated

I want to be protected

I want to be encouraged

I want to be supported

I want my love reciprocated

But you are always there

Reminding me

Im annoying

I’m irrelevant

I’m dumb

I’m not needed

I’m boring

I’m needy

I’m delusional

If you can’t see me

Would you notice that I’m gone

Could I die

And take the pressure away

The pressure is suffocating

Of trying to be worthy

But it’s not worth it

Everyday is so hard

I don’t want to try anymore

Because of you

I’ll never be able to accept the love

I think I deserve

The kind of love you showed me

Will always find its way back to me

Maybe it’s all I’m worthy of

And blaming you just makes it easier

Are you proud of me Are you shocked by me Am I all the things you hate You can't see me or hear me Am I always just late Did I miss the hints Did I forget the clock Cause I think I missed the chances That you say you gave me The protection you offered Seems quite lonely Can we learn to talk again? Can we learn to walk again? I'm on my own two feet But I'm shrinking Disappearing Now I know why you can't see me Voice so small no wonder you can't hear me No questions left You are disappointed Easier to be oblivious Ill stay gone Just please say goodbye

All I ever wanted to be But its all a lie You feel special see Numbed herself to delusion But all she gets is confusion

I'm not meant for this place Am I too much or not enough Get me out of here I scream until my lungs bleed Hoping someone may hear me But hearing is not caring The world is just so lonely I want to be nothing But there are no easy ways out I want to be sure of me But I will never be who I need Erase me Show me how to change me Take me to a new life Where I can breath again Where I can smile And not be loud Where the quiet isn't so loud And the loud isn't so quiet

Your existence has amplified all of the fear and hatred in me and I have no way out. I’m drowning or falling, I don’t even know.

When I think about my life and how I still have years of my life to live, and in those years I have nothing to look forward to except the same cycle that is my life, I just want to die. I don’t see why I made it to where I am at. I worry that in the future, I’ll look back and think I should have ended my life a long time ago, because nothing in my life or what I have acomplished was worth it and dying would be much easier.

My step dad that raised me since I was a few weeks old, sexually assaulted me when I was a preteen.

My mom and him broke up two year before this, but had two kids together.

My whole life he yelled at me from the moment he was home from work until I went to bed. My mom told me later on that he said he wanted me to be scared.

One day I want to confront him, to ask him why, I want him to be sorry. I want to talk to him.

I want him to still be my dad, but I’m also grateful he’s not in my life anymore.

If he didn’t do what he did, he would still be in my life, still weighing me down, still making me be less than what I am.

Nobody understands because everyone just sees the predator and the child but to me it is not the simple. I wish it was.

But why can’t I let go? Why am I still broken?

#me too #sexual assault #family #broken #past #thoughts #life #mind #writing

psychokiitty

How can it be that I am both

too much

AND

not enough

I don’t recognize myself

I don’t want to live this life

But yet it’s on repeat

I’m missing the buttons

Or maybe the whole remote

Stuck in this loop

Easier to just turn it off

End this life

Indecisiveness and hatred for myself

Fuel the never ending cycle

For my life

When you deserve to hurt

Living is the best punishment

snorlax-and-co

timencircles

Legit was talking to someone about this and was surprised they feel happy all the time

onedayiwillknowwhoiam

How do people love them selves and never want to die? I thought that was normal to never be enough for yourself and hate your self and want to die sometimes, I didn’t even think that that was depression, I thought it was just life 🙃

Someone actually said to me recently that they have never struggled with their mental health and have never hated themself or wanted to die. I was so confused.

I’m not planning my death, I go to work everyday, I eat, I sleep, I take care of my appearance, I exercise, with all of this, can I still be depressed? Because I feel like when people live their life and people can’t tell that they’re depressed, nobody cares and nobody takes you seriously when you think you’re depressed, but it’s not normal to feel like this and if I could live my life never thinking these things or feeling these things I wonder what I would do with my life.

Or is this not depression at all, and the people that are happy and not mentally struggling are just amazing people and they have no reason to dislike their self, and I’m over here with valid reasons for hating myself?

I’m exhausted and I just don’t know how to fix myself .

I don’t know where I’m going or what I want

I feel like I cant take my self anywhere better

I think about dying

How easy it would be to give up

How emptiness would be better than feeling

Why won’t my brain let me quit

Escape myself

And free those around me

It’s the only thought

That wakes me up

Exhaustion overwhelming

Loneliness overbearing

Self-esteem non-existent

I’m not worthy of awaking

Your disrespect only reminds me

fozdoaa

Everybody talks about cutting ppl off but nobody really talks about the grief that comes with having to stand firm on that decision knowing it’s not what you wanted but what was necessary for your well-being.