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⁽⁠⁽⁠ଘ⁠(ø)⁠ଓ⁠⁾⁠⁾*♡*.⅑｡⁠*⁠♡*.⁠Sleepy｡⁠*⁠♡*.⁠HikkiNEET｡⁠*⁠♡*.⁠⚢｡⁠*⁠♡*.Useless｡⁠*⁠♡* ⁽⁠⁽⁠ଘ⁠(ø)⁠ଓ⁠⁾⁠⁾ •side blog, follow from DreamPile•

[oneeyawn]

I really need to make a cute intro post but I don't really know I would even say...

Hi!

I'm oneeyawn.

If you call me neechan I'll freak out (positive).

I'm a little mentally ill and needy and possessive and I get angry really quickly but I also forget things just as quickly.

Uhhhh.

I have AuDHD and I'm depressed and stuff I guess? Most of my mental stuff isn't diagnosed, so I don't really like to use labels, I just feel crazy sometimes...

I'm really lonely and a little stupid but people say I'm smart sometimes.

I'm a vtuber (sometimes) and I'm an artist sometimes, too.

I have really bad (diagnosed) agoraphobia and narcolepsy. I haven't left my house in a decade basically and I can't hold down jobs and I'm really useless but my parents don't think I should be on disability because they think I'm just not trying hard enough.

I really dislike myself and I'm constantly thinking about deleting everything so I can wallow alone.

The only person who cares about me in the entire world is my little brother so I talk about him a lot.

(I use the #bro weird tag for him, you can blacklist it or avoid posts with it if it makes you uncomfortable)

That's all I can think of...

I really should do a proper one and make it pretty...

[tenderlypressed]

[pathologising]

[oneeyawn]

No hol*live interview... Sadge... I know I wouldn't get chosen but it still hurts my feelings.. I think being in a company would save me honestly. But whatever... I just need to get better at streaming I guess.

I've been on break and drawing lots of emotes and stuff! I've been drawing a lot in general, it's helped my confidence a lot. But I still have a good while to go until I feel confident enough for my model.

I've been trying to work on an alternative design that's very 00s denpa girl meets jirai/subcul outfit for my character. I've been kinda drafting it but tbh I suck at design. I might save it for when I feel more inspired.

I've been really suic!dal and fighting against ✂️ ing recently, but my little brother has been taking care of me a lot. Not really sure what's wrong I I still just feel so tired all the time I feel like I'm sleeping my life away.

But my mom and I signed up for a new gym! They won't open for 6 months but gosh am I excited, because they have a salt water pool!! Sal I can learn to swim in a pool that isn't painful and feels nice to swim in! I added so much swim stuff to my wishlist...

[labcorphehe-deactivated20260118]

living is just being in shame for existing and having thoughts and feelings also i don’t know why i think like this like who put these rules on me and only me and no one else like why did i do that and now i can’t undo it like i genuinely believe these things like what is point in rewiring entire brain your whole life lol

[oneeyawn]

I started my break about a week ago and it has been so nice!!

Like I actually have time to focus on stuff! My room was a huge awful mess of boxes and shame and I've actually started fixing it up! It's gonna take a week or so but oh my gosh I cannot wait. I've got a ton of figures to put up and tons of stuff I wanna try doing after I have room for it, like umm I got a standing desk to help me not fall asleep so much and I bought some controllers and a few stream deck upgrades and new third monitor (the one I use for chat and it's portable)! That sounds like a lot (and it is, I spent way too much money) but I'm so excited ahhhhh having a bigger desk means more space so I can finally have room to set up a dedicated area to engage in my hobbies! I still wanna use my original desk as a sorta L desk part, but ahhh it's so cool that I'm getting closer and closer to having a room I actually want. I never really thought it was possible.

My brother has been so nice to me yay yay. Ever since the trip he has been remarkably normal actually. He was kinda clingy and very weird for a few years with me but it feels like he's kinda growing up and leveling out,it makes me proud. (And a little lonely... If only because I know that means I'll eventually get left behind and y'know that's okay I need to accept it because this is kinda like having my cake and eating it too and I should be thankful for that!)

Even then, he has been sweet and making sure I do not crash out over streaming or the auditions. I am making him a really simple vtuber model so he can do auditions himself. He doesn't believe he'll do it but I think he is very cute and he can!! I gotta finish it tonight, cause auditions close soon!

Medically, it's the same. I am supposed to be getting an appointment but they never call me back... Which is frustrating but eh...

Weight loss and emotional state talk under the cut (not bad but just in case)

I have only self harmed through like... Bruising and I think that sorta does not count so yes I have been SO mentally stable bro like insanely stable B) I hate that I update so much less but I am so tired all the time. I've dedicated myself to walking 5k steps a day for the month as well as doing exercises and stuff! I've been trying to work on gaining muscle but I gotta be honest I suck. I really suck at it. So I'm probably gonna give myself a week or so to stabilize and then I'll start a really small 5 day fast to kick start my weight loss again... Maybe that's unhealthy but I really need to lock into focusing on losing! I have so little to lose I just gotta lock in!!

It's so easy for me to push things off for the future and just never do anything but I'm trying to stop that... I really wanna go out in jirai more but I'm too embarrassed at my current weight;; I've gotten my sewing machine up and running though!! I'm happy about that.

Basically, things are going way better recently. I'm trying to hold on to this for when times inevitably get bad again.

[oneeyawn]

Hello hello

Sorry for being quiet again

My health is just getting bad and I have to focus on streaming and sleeping

Hol*live opened auditions

I think I'm gonna try for it...

[rbtrashmado00]

GO FOR IT

[oneeyawn]

I finally sent in my audition I am so scared 😭

[oneeyawn]

Hello hello

Sorry for being quiet again

My health is just getting bad and I have to focus on streaming and sleeping

Hol*live opened auditions

I think I'm gonna try for it...

[ojibwa]

i am too sensitive to be a person i feel like they took the heart and brain of a small prey animal and stuck it inside of me i am very dumb and very scared all the time

[pienprince]

[perrfectly]

Photo by Krista Mangulsone

[jebdamaster]

hold

yourself

together

[oneeyawn]

Disability gave me my paperwork yesterday and says it was to turned in TODAY I have never been so stressed and I have to push everything back ahhhhHHHHH

[beskt]

Journal page.

[earthangel]

[oneeyawn]

My little brother has been obsessed with the fairy type gym leader that is in the new Pokemon game and he kept asking me to start working on a cosplay for her but blehhhhhh I don't ever feel like sewing and I haven't even played the game yet .. He's already finished it, of course, and he's doing post game stuff. He caught a shiny whirlipede (I love bug and poison types) and he's trying to bribe me into getting it by saying he'll trade it to me but I just wanna sleep and stop thinking about the world!!

But this is a good opportunity to get back into my hobbies... I've been thinking about if I want to take a break from streaming or not, cause I've really been wanting to take time to focus on me and this is another good reason to but... I dunno... I get $XXXX a month from streaming... It's not much, but it is the closest I have to a job. So it would be like basically quitting work for months. Both my parents are retired and only my brother actually works now, so that's such a huge amount of money not to bring in... It'll only be two months and I can do art and stuff in the meantime, then red but with a bunch of new stuff but argh!!!

I hate having to think about it!!!!!

I need to finish my art up for Friday anyway... I really should not even think about entertaining the idea of fun things until then. I'm always trying to skirt my responsibilities. I'm so lazy. Lock in, idiot!!!

[oneeyawn]

I keep thinking about the time he was telling me a much bigger streamer watched his really small streams and how happy he was and I got so jealous I got so so jealous and I hate that what's my fucking problem it felt like I got slammed in the chest with a hammer and my entire face felt hot I've never been overcome with such impotent frustration and jealousy in my life why did you say her name so happily