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Bangkok summer essentials.

No straight lines in my story — just turns and slides.

Nikos Kazantzakis, from a letter featured in The Selected Letters of Nikos Kazantzakis

I try and try umpteen times to get out of this loop, every step I opened up seems like a pit hole. It's just not getting anywhere without feeling like a burden. How can someone who used to be strong fall apart overnight? I felt misunderstood despite being verbally clear. I didn't like the result after voicing out (as I was told to). I felt dejected by my most loved.

The moodiness finds peace within an unmotivated soul. The raindrops running down the window bring a certain enjoyment. Does this render happiness on your canvas?

After darkness comes light. I vividly remember the darkness that clouded my sky a year ago. It was a total mess of emotions racing through my mind. My heart aches.

Time flies so quickly. On some days, I forget that I am a former cancer patient. Other days, I find myself questioning how I should live my life. Should I approach it with a lot of caution, or should I just live it to the fullest?

I never thought the emotion would rise, like slow tides. They come and go, come and go. You know that nothing lasts forever.

Acting on these thoughts, though you just can't see it, Running through the darkness to be embraced by the light. You say you care, but you really don't; Your actions don't match your words. Or maybe you've just forgotten. This situation is too dark, And I have become blind to it.

Running around the water just to feel the resistance, Searching for exits to be lifted off the ground. You said you care, but I can't be sure. Watching you burn me, I think that is enough. This is too painful; I am scarred.

It’s time, I suppose it’s time for these confrontations. It’s not fair, just not fair to be praising you excessively. I’m yearning for freedom and the best moments of my life. I will battle against the fear and the overwhelming silence.

#random thoughts

I haven't felt this motivated after all the hustle. I don't want to waste my time because, as you know, life is unpredictable. I try to make the most of every moment to work on something meaningful, aside from spending time with my family. The follow-up went well. Aside from my slow hair growth, my cancer marker remains normal. Let's hope everything stays this way.

On another note, how did my little one grow up so quickly? He has become such a thoughtful boy. Just six months ago, we were concerned about his limited conversation skills, but now he is a chatterbox—friendly, hyper, and cheeky all at once. I hope he keeps this wonderful personality.

Additionally, my dad found an old passport of mine today, and it’s striking how much my son looks like me—it’s like he’s my carbon copy! Overall, it seems like it’s been a great week for me. I trust that the Lord has a plan for me and knows my limits. Amen!

#life rant #prayers #words

"Dealing with the challenges of life can be incredibly difficult. It's easy to feel angry when you believe you're not measuring up or that fate has turned against you. To make matters worse, these feelings often arise without any intention on your part. You might find yourself grappling with guilt or shame for having such emotions, which only adds to the struggle. It’s truly a tough situation to navigate."

#life rant

It makes you appreciate the things that have always surrounded you. They have never left your sight but have quietly and patiently waited for you.

A day under the sun. The weather that morning was wonderful. We got ready and headed down to the park in the west. Our little explorer was extremely thrilled! We are glad we didn’t back out. Am I the only one who loves a stunning shot of the sky and greenery? I can’t take my eyes off the composition of these pictures. They convey freedom and happiness—freedom from the past, and happiness for the present and future.

#daily life #sunnyday #Spotify

Dear Lord,

Thank you for bringing us joy and creating precious memories that we will always cherish. Despite the mixed emotions after hearing the news, I hope that you were able to take away her pain. Although our time together was brief, I will always keep her close in my heart. Even though Owen may not remember vividly, I hope this photo will evoke the smallest of sentiments. Above all, we hold on to the hope of seeing her again one day.

🙏

I like how the light catches our eyes and cast shadows at the same time. Lurking in the dark is some deep emotion that verbal explanation can not seem to communicate. The thoughts are capture in these still shots for reminiscence.

#words #random thoughts

There has been a lot of staycation before I return to work. It seems to be a way of compensation for not being able to travel with our little one.

I am not going to lie that I am completely ready to return to work. I was going through all that emotional distress of juggling work-life balance. The last thing I want is to fall back to the old cycle.

Work, kid, and sideline are a little too much to hold. I have to prioritize what hits the top of the list. I allowed myself to fit in for about 2 weeks but, realize that I have to cut down.

Felt weak and guilty all over again. It is just that this time round I do not want to fake that I am alright.

#cancer warriors #staycation #words #random

I finally reopen my small business at YARD YARN! Everything seems to fall in place, even before I made it official. It all happened when a random order came in. I am so thankful for that! Being away for a good 4 months put me in a vulnerable spot. But knowing that your work is still on-demand kind of sparks some joy. There is a thin line between balancing motivation and taking it easy. The real mantra repeating in my head says, "Slow down..", and the other physical part of my wants to fulfil as many dreams as possible. I guess these thoughts usually happen right after you face a life-threatening ordeal.

It is not easy to be me. I give myself a tad too much stress at times. I feel weak and guilty when I rest. I get caught in the fine line and that's me and a lot of other people I know. So, the real question is when do we really stop?

#life rant