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To all parents out there: I beg you

Thursday, 16 January 2020, 7:31PM

Just a little background, I had a short conversation with my dad a while ago through text. My parents are not legally separated and they have been living apart from each other for almost 13 years (turning 13 on September or November). We all knew how dad loves our mother. That even our mother was cheating on him on several and multiple occasions, he still accepted and loved her to the point of his own destruction. Even now, I guess, that we have all moved on, I guess my dad still hasn’t. It saddens me to realize how stupid and asshole our mother is for taking for granted someone who loves her more than she did.

I now understood that people who reason out “financial problems” as the cause of their separation only wanted to be away from their legal spouses so they can freely do whatever they want in life without the guilt of cheating on them. What is more unacceptable is bringing your children with you to witness every stupidity you will make in life and trying to defend yourself that you are working your whole life for them. I realized also that parents tend to get mad at their children when they realized that their children are no longer “children”, and they are finally realizing all your mistakes in life, and every thing you have done that contributed to their forever unresolved traumas.

To all parents and future parents, I hope you realize that even though there is no seminar or training on how to be a parent, I hope you realize that the moment you decided to bear a child in this world, you finally accepted that every single move, word, behavior, attitude, everything, you will do in your life will GREATLY and IMMENSELY affect your children. You are no longer free to do whatever you just want in life. So assess yourselves. If you have unresolved conflicts in your early lives, if you know deeply with yourselves that you cannot be a parent, for your children’s sake, don’t bring them into this world only for them to suffer the consequences of your actions. You do not have the slightest idea how you can easily and forever destroy your children.

Sincerely,

Children who are forever destroyed and traumatized by parents who promise not to let their children experience what they had but still did.

#parents #trauma #failed parenting #psychology of parenting #children #choices #call out post

Introspection

Saturday, 28 December 2019, 8:45:00PM

You don’t know pain until you’re crying your heart out to God praying to heal you.

This year felt like 2016′s twin. 2016 literally crushed me in all aspect of my life: mentally; physically; socially; health. I was once an optimistic person until that year. I could not imagine myself the following day, or even 5 minutes later. That was how messed up I was. On the other hand, 2019 was less harsher than his twin brother. If I lost my best friends on 2016, this year I lost my family. I didn’t mean I lost them through death, but I left home. Too much toxicity was an understatement. It was suffocating and every second of being there I couldn’t think of anything but to kill myself. It was of my favor since I had my own room and no one bothers to check up on me. So if I killed myself, they’d probably notice after a week. I felt hopeless and helpless. I felt I had nothing I can do to escape my fate there. Until life decided to use my beloved pet dogs, Brie and Wensley to make me do something. Their disappearance made me leave home. I thought that if I would not leave, it was best I’d kill myself. But if I still have dreams and goals, I need to do something to save myself. And so I left. It was also thanks to my brother, Edgar Jr. and my dad for making it possible. My boyfriend and his friends were huge help that I lasted for a year.

But even though I am still lucky to have people help me through my darkest moments, I knew it still wouldn’t be easy. I knew I am broken to my deepest core and achieving my dreams would be almost impossible. If you would come to think of it, if I were normal or myself 4-5 years ago, finishing college would be easy peasy. I would be motivated to finish college and leave home and nothing seemed impossible. But now, I felt drained and demotivated. I am devastated to think I would not be able to last another year because of everything that is happening. Maybe my mother was right. I am weak and I will not succeed in life. Maybe I’d be good as dead. Or if I wanted to, I should remove my emotions and only focus on my goals because being depressed will do nothing. I guess, despite 99% of my emotions and thoughts revolving around wanting to die, there is still that 1% screaming I should push through and see what life has to offer.

In order to do so, I guess I have to drop clinging to that idea that everything that’s happening to us was all my mother’s fault. Yes, everything was her fault why we became like this. But I cannot blame her forever. It is my fault if I cling to that hatred and let myself be confined in angst. I cannot let her get into my head and let her have the satisfaction to see me failing in life because that is what she wanted. Maybe I should stop counting on anybody and still push through no matter what happen because being sad and demotivated will do nothing. I cannot stop now. Not ever. Even if my own enemy is my family whose supposed to be my first line of support. Maybe I should just think of my siblings who are counting on me to finally escape that life and mentality my parents had instilled on us.

#introspection

To the girl who knows her worth but still chooses to ignore too many red flags for someone she loves

To the girl who chooses to ignore too many red flags for someone she loves, you know your worth. This worth was built and molded by the standards set by your family and friends. You have people treat you the way you should be treated. With how you are being taken care of by the men in your life, you knew that it is just common and normal. And so you hoped to find someone who will take care of and treat you the same way.

To the girl who knows her worth but still chooses to ignore too many red flags for someone she loves, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to hurt too many times. Forgive yourself for allowing someone to treat you poorly. For still holding on to a relationship you are unsure if still sees your worth and values it. Forgive yourself for not knowing when to give up and walk away.

You were told too many times that you must learn to let go when things become toxic. A year ago, you were told the same things. Yet here you are, still clueless until when you are planning to stick into that kind of relationship. You know you are already tired and frustrated for feeling the same thing over and over again, for crying about the same problem that does not get fixed. For the nights you are asking yourself “is this the kind of love I truly deserve?” And for the mid nights you spent thinking over and over if that person still loves you or not.

You chose, and are still choosing, to turn the blind eye even if he is already waving you the red flags. Because deep down, you are still hoping that he will surprise you one day. Because as much as you hope for him to change for the better, deep down, you are still hoping that he will change for you, because you deserve someone better. As the time goes by, you are just hurting yourself for expecting something like that to happen. Because the truth is, a person will change if he wants to. Specially, if that person knows you deserve someone better. Instead of letting the thought of you being with someone else much better, that person will go out of his way to improve himself. He will not let other man take his place and do his job. He will be that someone better. But look at you, hurting and frustrated, for still waiting for that time to happen. Until when? Maybe you are just holding on to see what will happen if you do not give up. But until then, take care of yourself even if he cannot do it himself. I hope you will not reach that point you will depend your worth based on how a person treats you poorly. Because you, woman, deserve better.

Internal Drama.

Wednesday, 12 June 2019, 12:05AM

“I’m sorry, this is all that I can do. I can’t change anything because this is just who I am.”

Don’t you just hate it when you braced yourself to swim oceans for that special someone, and yet that person won’t even jump puddles for you?

The moment you let that person in your life, is also the time you learn to take risks for that person. You learn to slowly let your guards down and to slowly accept you will be making a lot of sacrifices for that person. And you did.

I know to love someone you should not be thinking about the benefits you will get from the relationship. That is what they call unconditional love. The only thing that matters is what you can do and give for the relationship. But what if you slowly learn from the time you were together that the mindset is not mutual? And the other person bounds himself to his comfort zone and only to what he thinks he can? What if, you are the only one who are willing to make sacrifices and push yourself to be better? What if, the other person is not ready for those things yet? What if you start thinking about yourself too and the things you deserve too? That you deserve as much love, sacrifice and effort?

You thought communicating the problem should make it and you told him what’s bothering you. But what if he told you these words, “I’m sorry, this is just who I am. I can’t do anything about it.” He dropped that this-is-just-who-I-am card on you but you told him you will wait. But then again, he told you to stop waiting for something that will never happen.

I guess what you will do next depends on how much you love the person. If you would be doing all the adjustments and sacrifices once again and continue for that relationship, or you would just simply end everything because you know you deserve better. But, if he truly loves you, he should know that already. That you deserve better and that he should be better. But then again, we cannot simply force people to be someone we need. They should do it because they thought we deserve it.

To be vulnerably honest.

Sunday, 5 May 2019, 2:16AM

When am I going to stop being so vulnerably kind even to those who have hurt me? There were those who disrespected me, back stabbed me, ripped me off of my dignity, left me. But still, I was quick to respond when they called for help. Despite what they have done, I still stayed when no one else was there for them. That despite everything they have done to me, I still chose to be there and forget the scars they have left.

But at the end of the day, I am still the bad person. At the end of the day, I am still misunderstood.

To be vulnerably honest, it is tiring. To be so understanding and accepting to other people even to those who have done you wrong, But at the end of the day no one even tries to do the same for you. You do the saving but no one else dares to save you.

When will that day come, that when I am already tired of being understanding, When I am not my best, when I am not strong, When I am already giving up life, Someone will stay and do the same for me. Someone who will understand that not every day I am happy. That not every day I am at my best That it is okay for me to be low sometimes and they will be my strength.

I am tired of always being the best for other people, for being strong for them, But when I am weak, no one is there to be strong for me. So am I being selfish for wanting to be heard and understood at least for once?

21 Years.

Monday, 25 June 2018, 5:28PM

21 years ago at exactly 4:53 in the afternoon, you made your first cry out in this world. You made many people happy with your existence as you were a blessing. You marked an achievement for a couple while also being the starting point of milestones and struggles to come. Years passed and you began to be aware of your life and surroundings. You were so pure and innocent of what lies ahead of you. You just enjoyed every moment while also taking for granted some of them for all you knew was it was going to stay forever.

But just like any other human beings, life happened. Life struck you with great intensity you were blown away miles and miles from what you thought would stay the same forever. Life broke you so hard in so many ways that you made you thought about giving up. For many times you wished you could turn back time to where you made your first cry or not at all.

Now, your soul is crying as you wish to perish. You’ve been through and are still going through a lot. You were not ready of what life is about to hit you. Too many times you have wished to not be able to open your eyes again because you know to do so will only mean being welcomed by struggles again. You cried out for help, for God to take back your life as you don’t want it no more. Oh, I know how much you want to leave. How I know how much you’re bleeding. How much life has already crippled you and I understand why you want to end your struggles here. But how can you think of that when you already have so many hearts and lives connected with yours? You know you would break them so no matter how hard you wish you could die in a second, you can’t. Because you know you are not ready to leave yet. Not now. Soon, maybe. Because no matter how broken you are right now, no matter how much you want to have your last breath, you don’t have the heart to break theirs and leave them. Not yet, not yet. So now you have to struggle again and fight back even though you do not have any idea on how you will do so. You’re just asking yourself, “‘Til when will I suffer? 'Til when will my soul cry for help? 'Til when will I shout for God to end the blessing He has given me and the people surrounding me?”

I do not know until when. But now, all you can do is still continue pushing forward. Maybe not for yourself anymore but for the people around you.

White Lies.

Wednesday, 9 May 2018, 11:19AM

“Are you okay?”

A simple question answerable by yes or no. However, I only select a few with whom I will answer with a “yes” and mostly with a “no.” Because sometimes, you will feel that welcoming, comfortable vibe around them that will make you want to talk, and they do let you know that you can count on them and trust them with your thoughts anytime. On the other hand, some time you will feel that talking with certain people will not work, or is unwelcoming, uncomfortable, and will only make you feel worse and heavier. That is why it is better to not let them tell the truth and pretend you are okay around them when in fact you just want to burst out crying.

Trying to understand them, maybe let us just be thankful they did not get to live the shitholes we have been through. Just that, ironically, most of the times, those who are broken are the ones who love to do the saving. Because we know how terrible it feels like to have no one by our sides. We may have company but we still feel incredibly lonely.

And sometimes, talking with a piece of paper or even a phone screen already does the whole work. Sometimes those who are non-living are seem to be better listeners that those with heartbeats.

“You got issues, Quill.”

Monday, 8 January 2018, 12:01AM

I am feeling so overwhelmed to the point that I want to cry my heart out. The reason? Fuck. I always have this feels when it’s time to separate with people I bond with for a couple of days. When it’s goodbye time I feel like crying. I feel… helpless. I badly want to hold them back, make them stay longer even forever but I can’t be selfish like that. They have to go. They have a life, too.

This is the reason why I am always afraid to get attached with people. I get it too much and shit’s bound to happen. Always. I’m so fucked up every time I get too attached knowing that they don’t feel the same way as I do. I am always left the girl with issues. Serious issues trying to mask everything with braveness and hostility. Trying to appear strong, independent, who doesn’t give a fuck. But in truth, it’s just a façade for my weakness. I need to teach myself how to be strong and independent because time will come where you will be by yourself, alone and has no one to count on.

This is just a thought. Thought shapes reality. You can do this, self. Learn to dance gracefully with your own demons.

PS.

“I don’t want you to go.” Words said by Doctor Strange to Christine when he has to go. I repeated the same words to him only meant as a joke but why did my heart clenched so tight it hurt? Because it is true. I don’t want him to go. I badly want him to stay with me longer but we have to face reality. He has a life to live too and I can’t be selfish and immature. I’ll get over from this soon.

Chapter 5: The Paradoxes of Depression

Saturday, 18 November 2017, 10:14AM

“How does this sense of loss engender other symptoms of depression: pessimism, self-criticism, escape-avoidance-giving up, suicidal wishes, and physiological disorders?” (Beck, 1976, p. 59)

“Reactive Depression: depression in which there is a clear-cut precipitating factor. To justify the label, "precipitating event,” the experience of loss must be substantial significance to the patient. Events that may erode the personal domain sufficiently to set the stage for a depression.”

I can clearly remember the happenings of 2016: When I first became a student assistant and my friends slowly detached from me when I met new friends; when I found that they hold same grudges towards me for a long time that I didn’t know about; when I chose to withdraw from them and created a new life in college without them; when I became the student council president and things didn’t go well both in the council and in my academics.

I took the blame in everything that happened. I always criticize myself as not being normal that’s why I lost my friends. I regarded myself a failure when I got an IP grade in one of my major subjects and got left behind in my batch. Things crumbled in front of me and no matter how hard I try to be okay, the façade shatters and exposes me of my vulnerabilities. It always make me think why do I feel like I don’t live a normal life like others? Why can’t I be just like them? I feel so different and it’s hard to cope.

Dear Self: Stop killing yourself

Tuesday, 14 November 2017, 1:24AM

PS. There are attached pictures and quotes on this that are not credited well. My apologies to the owners of those masterpieces for taking them without giving enough credits. Just know that they prompted timely insights during those times I was not in mentally okay. And thank you for that.

I tumbled upon this post on Facebook and look what it said:

My heart instantly sank at the weight of this truth. I don’t know how they got this content, but this is the reality of me. Because yes, I paid too much attention to what other people might think about me. I’ve been, and still am, overly concerned on how others see me.

For instances, at first, I rejected his invite to introduce me to his friends and to his family. They had this term-ender outing with his original block mates and he invited me, so he could finally introduce me to his friends. My instant reaction was panic. Thoughts of insecurities came flooding through me and I couldn’t stop it. Thoughts like, “what are they going to think of me?” “are they going to like me?” “what if they don’t want me for him?” “what if I look stupid?” and other what ifs triggering my insecurities. I had those in mind especially when I learned that their plus ones were going to attend as well, and I didn’t have a good start with some of those plus ones. I can’t recall when it was, but I remembered it all. We were chatting when he suddenly mentioned that a girlfriend of one of his friends sent him a screenshot of my Facebook profile. I thought it was okay until he said that he got mad at her for telling him “jokingly” that her best friend (who had, or still has, a crush on him) was more beautiful than I am. I got sad at that. My heart sunk to its lowest because I’ve never been told like that. Yes, I do compare myself to others like they are way better than me, but it felt more real and painful when someone finally said it out loud. It was like rubbing salt and lemon to my open wounds. I never said or claim that I look good because I don’t think I do. My self-esteem is at its bottom pit on the physical appearance department and having to encounter something like that makes me just want to cry. If they want him and the feelings are mutual, I will accept it to let him go. Fighting for attention and proving people I am a better option is just not me. If people suddenly realized they want others over me and chose to leave me, I won’t hold them back. Instead, I will let them go freely and move on. What’s the point of holding them back if they want to leave, right? Yes, the thought of it kills me but life moves on. So, going back to the story, I kindly declined his invite.

The second instance was when it was going to be his birthday dinner with his family. At first, I was really hesitant because thoughts of if they’re going to like me or not and other thoughts of what they’re going to think of me flooded me. I really felt bad to be honest. Until now that I remember it I still feel bad about it. Because I know it must also be sad for him that I always turn him down whenever he wanted to introduce me to his loved ones. I turn him down because I am overly concern to what others will think why he chose that girl over the others. Because nothing is more overwhelming than having to prove yourself to people what that someone has seen in you why he chose you over the others who you think are way more than and better than you. And the thought that I have nothing to offer and prove I deserve him kills me.

My mind holds me back so very much it makes me sad and frustrated. I have wasted lots of opportunities and chances just because I thought I could not do it.

“Dear Self: It’s a shame how hard you are on yourself. You treat others with more love than you treat you. You deserve to be celebrated too.”

Here is the thing with me. I can see the good and beauty in other people but I could not see my own. I think highly about others and lowly about myself. I appreciate them more than I do with myself. It is always them more than me and so I wasted chances I should have grabbed if not with what I thought about myself. I hold myself too much. They said you cannot fill other’s cups if yours is empty. But I deprived myself of love and appreciation I overwhelmingly give to others.

“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try accepting yourself and see what happens.”

Now that I think about it, I feel like crying of why I do this with myself. I realized it is more painful to not be able to love yourself than not being loved by others. I have been criticizing and dragging myself down that I missed too many chances that could have helped me grow as a person. Wasted supposed-to-be experiences and memories I could have treasured and cherished. But I have been too hard on myself. Prioritizing perceptions of other people about me fearing of what they are going to think about me. Thoughts that hold me back from things I deserve too. Does it really matter, I mean, do their opinions and thoughts of me matter more than what I think about myself? Or is it the other way around?

Lastly, I am just gonna leave this one here:

“Maybe you don’t see people looking at you because you are not looking at them. Maybe you don’t hear all the good things people say because you are too focused on the bad. Maybe you are a lot more wonderful, beautiful and special than you ever give yourself credit for.”

“When you always come second. Or not at all.”

Wednesday, 1 November 2017, 8:44PM

I’m the type of girl who tend to view herself as someone less than others. I tend to compare myself to others: they are prettier than me, smarter than me, kinder than me, way better than me.

I guess I got that by observation. Even during childhood, my parents tend to choose my younger brothers than me. They chose to sleep next to them than me. No one really chose me to sleep next to them even if I wanted to or even if I asked them if we could sleep together. And so I got used to sleeping alone or with someone else than my parents and siblings.

Even in elementary and high school days. I had to fight for attention or had to prove that I was worth being chosen. I got discriminated and bullied by girls in my school which made it worse. In high school, I was everybody’s friend but not really someone’s friend whom they will choose over the others. Even though I had a best friend, she, too, has her own which she would choose at times over me.

I wasn’t really someone’s first choice. I never became a priority and so I guess I just learned to live lowkey hidden in everybody’s attention. I never wanted attention because I always wonder how they would think of me. When you’re so used to being invisible, getting attention is the last thing you would want. It would make you think, “what did this person see in me that he’s giving me attention?” It would make you question your self-worth because you’re getting attention finally. It makes you doubt other people’s motives or that you have something good in you.

When you’re so used to coming as the last option, it is hard to believe when finally, someone came to choose you over the others and have you as their top priority.

—I hope you learn to see the good in you just like how you see the good in everyone else | you also deserve the love you give to others.

Naked.

Sunday, 29 October 2017, 1:58PM

It is known that communication is the key in every relationship. People must make time to talk about everything that will either make or break them to make the relationship work. Communicating lets you to be inside the person’s head: what’s going inside it, or how does one truly feels. But this is easier said than done.

I tried to open up to people whom I thought I could trust or could understand me. I thought once they get to know what you’re thinking or feeling, they’d be able to finally understand you and would still accept you no matter what. And so I thought. I got rejected and was even told, “closed minded” and “selfish”. When I tried to explain myself, I was cut like whatever I was going to say would not matter anymore. I was even regarded us, just making excuses.

My thoughts and dreams are something that are valuable to me. Because once I let you know what’s going on inside my head: get to know what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling, what I’m dreaming of, what I’m imagining at times, what interests me, I’m letting you see me naked. But nothing is more painful I guess, when you thought you finally found the person you could share them with and got no response in return. As if they were not listening at all or were not interested to listen in the first place. It honestly made me feel like my dreams are not worth being heard. Like they were shallow concepts that do not matter. Or when you’ve tried to open up something that interests you and you thought could interests the other but was told instead that it bored them.

Sometimes it would make you think you didn’t open yourself up to people because they don’t deserve to know you that much. Or sometimes you wish you could be someone else who got more interesting stuff to share. Or sometimes you wish you could have just opted on writing them down on a piece of paper. It’s true that sometimes, all that could understand you and truly listens to what your heart says is a piece of paper.

“Love me until I learn how to love myself”

Monday, 23 October, 2017, 7:20PM

How is it even possible that a person can accept your flaws — even love them — but you yourself cannot do the same thing?

How do you know if you already love the person when you haven’t been in love before?

Or sometimes it is followed by what makes you fall in love with the person?

Good questions. Questions that make you think twice or even doubt your feelings. Sometimes it will make you stop and ask yourself the same thing, as if you do not know the answers as well. It is scary to answer something that will prove the genuineness of your feelings for a person. But honestly? I think no one really knows the answer until he or she is in that situation. It is like a learning progress, of discovering things you thought are not even possible.

Want to know what I have learned? Or keep learning every day?

Let’s start with me being so secretive and not open to my insecurities. I am like an open book which people can easily read and interpret. But there are chapters and pages which I do notread to people aloud or let them read. And those pages are my most hidden secrets and insecurities. Things I cannot learn to accept and love yet as parts of myself. Reasons why I am not confident enough. But when I have tried to open it up to that someone, at first I was fucking scared I might get judged or what. Or thoughts like I might regret it later that I have open it up to someone. But do you know what that person did? He just looked at me and said that it is just normal, that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I did not feel judged or that he looked less of me after finding out. How is it even possible that a person can accept your flaws and even love them when you yourself cannot do the same thing? And slowly, little by little, you start accepting them as well. It is like learning to love and to accept yourself as well.

Or sometimes it can just be the way you look at the person and makes you feel like riding a roller coaster. You are afraid of the heights and you fear you might fall and get yourself hurt but still finding yourself taking the risk of riding it. Enjoying it even. It is just one glance and you can feel it already. As if you know it is what it is.

And most importantly, when that person makes me learn how to love myself more and to become a better person. Not just for him but for the both of us. Because I know we deserve better and more.

It is not the things that make you love the person but the things he can show you and make you love.

“How do one escapes his own mind?”

Monday, 23 October 2017, 5:30PM

“It is our own mental attitude which makes the world what it is for us. Our thoughts make things beautiful, our thoughts make things ugly. The whole world is in our own minds. Learn to see things in the proper light.” - credits

As Julian Rotter once said on the theory behind cognitive therapy, “how one thinks largely determine how one feels.” I don’t know when it started or what shit I instilled on my mind that successfully turned me from being a total sunshine to a pessimist who can’t see anything good in herself. In short, I became depressed for a year and it all started when I lost my best friends. I remembered my prof telling me that “it’s okay not to be okay.” To let yourself feel low and down for a while but learn to pick yourself up as well. Maybe I’ve let myself feel low for a long time, let myself be swallowed with the black hole of negativity that I already forgot how to see the world in the proper light. “Don’t give up” turns into “it’s okay to give up sometimes and do yourself a favor.” It’s funny how you didn’t realize you depended your self-worth and perspective of the world to people and when they leave, you feel as if you got nothing and your view of the world suddenly became something you thought otherwise.

The next quotes and pictures are the reflections of things I have instilled in my mind that made me feel shit about myself. I have this habit of making myself feel bad - that I don’t deserve people, happiness, blessings, that I am a complicated person and hard to love and that people will leave me eventually - then I will forgot what made me feel shit in the first place.

It’s scary. How do you pick yourself up when you’re also the one putting the burden on yourself? It’s like in the movie, Memento. The main protagonist, Leonard Shelby has an anterograde amnesia which makes him incapable of creating new memories. His short term memory also fails so he can forget things in just a span of minutes and so he has to write things quickly on polaroid films or ink them in his body like tattoos. The plot revolves on him solving the crime of the murder of his wife through polaroid films and despite his condition. It turns out that he had killed the murderer a long time ago through the help of Teddy but since he has anterograde amnesia, he also forgets that he did it in the first place then creates his own John G. The twist is that Leonard became aware that he was killing multiple John G. who were in the drug circle through Teddy but he could not accept it and so he made Teddy his John G and killed him. I suck at explaining but the point here is that it was him who made it to himself; it was him who made that world that he forgot it is him who created his own crime to solve.

It is hard to accept and digest it sometimes that the reason you are suffering right now is because of how you perceive and think of the world and yourself. You learn how to love others but yourself. You find the good in others but yourself. It is always how you find rainbows and colors on other people but yourself. And why is that? You have let yourself be sank too deep in the black hole that is self-pity that you have created yourself and now you are having trouble escaping. It’s like how do one escapes his own mind?

“It’s all about taking risks”

Monday, 23 October 2017, 3:25PM

Sometimes you instill things in your mind either to make yourself feel bad or to protect yourself from getting hurt or committing mistakes. But then, there will come a time where you’d forget that you did it yourself and why you did it in the first place.

Just like for example, you overthink and overanalyze things that make you feel terribly bad. Then, it had become your mindset for a long time then you’d suddenly ask yourself how you ended up feeling and thinking that way. Just like being pessimistic about yourself and everything. You think so low and negative about yourself then after a long time you’d forget the root of that kind of mindset.

Another. You have built high walls around you, distancing yourself from others afraid of getting attached. But comes a time where you’d forget about that and suddenly seeing yourself breaking the walls yourself to let people in. You start getting attached and then suddenly you see yourself having thoughts of losing them someday. You start to overthink again about what lies ahead of the future. Then you’ll realize why you have built your walls but it’s already too late.

It’s scary how attached you can be to another person that when the time comes that you have to let go, you find yourself getting broken at the thought, thinking what you’re going to do with your life the moment they’re gone. You start feeling scared to face the future without them. But isn’t that reality? That’s why you have taught yourself to stop thinking about the future and just keep your mindset on the present. Learn to cherish every moment you have now in your grasps. Do what you must today, tell people how they mean to you as if there will be no tomorrow. As if that would be your last moment with them. Don’t wait for next times because that next time might not come.

A diary entry of a lowkey girl

Thursday, 5 October 2017, 12:37PM

Let me get you started on how life was of being single for almost 20 years. Let’s get this dissected into different aspects: physical, social, and emotional.

Physical.

Living life without minding anyone’s judgement of you: how you look like, how you dress, how you laugh, how you talk, how much you weigh, etc. Practically speaking, physical aspect is about your physical appearance. You hang out with your friends being just your crazy self. You don’t mind how much of a potato you look like, how heavy you already are, or if you have worn that same pair of jeans for almost a week already. You don’t mind because you don’t care and you’re friends are so okay with it. It’s pretty amazing though. You live life comfortably in your own skin without the fear of anyone’s judgements if you look okay or not. You don’t have to struggle fitting in the clique or not because it’s your friends who thought you to just be yourself and you felt that you are accepted and loved no matter what.

Well, to put things straight, I don’t care how I look before. I am already well aware that I am not attractive unlike most girls my age. I am not as skinny as most boys would want their girls to be, I am not as flawless as those pretty models in the magazines, I don’t have the pointed nose or the perfect eyebrows, etc. In terms of getting dressed, I just pick whatever I see in my cabinet. As long as I am comfortable with them, I don’t give a thing anymore how I look with it. Jeans, oversized shirts, hoodies, sneakers. Those are my usual get ups and wearing dresses is not just my cup of tea. Being girly is the last thing I would want to be.

I have tons of insecurities with my physical appearance that telling my friends about them makes me cringe at the thought. I am not that open about my insecurities practically to anyone. Maybe because I have not fully accepted them. They’re like secrets that should remain hidden from anyone.

Social.

Surrounding yourself with people who share the same interests, thoughts, and happiness as you do and getting attached to them in the process is I think the most intimate I have reached with my social life. Like, you share secrets that you can’t tell to anyone else and practically adapting how they talk, move, and laugh.

Actually, most of my friends are boys. Why is that? I just don’t think I’ll mix well with girls especially those my age. To cut this short, I am more comfortable and homey around them than being with girls. Though, I get teased and questioned a lot if the guy I was with is my boyfriend. Well, it’s much better than having boyfriends, I guess. You can be whatever you want to be, do whatever you pleases without malice. And I think that’s the beautiful part of it - being close friends with boys, I mean.

Emotional.

Though it may seem like that, still, I have learned to deal things alone and keep things with myself, especially my dark sides. It’s like sharing to others those hidden, deepest, and darkest sides of mine is just too much. I always thought I’d just regret it one day so I just keep them alone with myself. Also, it is like I’m sharing myself to others and that is something I am not ready for. Even with my friends. Maybe that’s the reason why it is much easier for me to let go of people than anyone else. Because I have not shared myself with them that much so I don’t cling onto something for me to still stay and hold on. Maybe, it is one of my greatest defense mechanisms in this world full of temporaries.

There are moments in life where I’d thought I’d die an old maid. When you hit 19, the edged of your teenage years, without having someone asking you out yet, you start accepting your fate that you’d die single. I guess this is just a phase. Where you’d wonder maybe you’re just too less of a standard most guys look for. Well, I have kept my profile so low to be seen and noticed. Plus, I think I don’t have something interesting in me that will make someone interested in me in the first place. I don’t look much and getting compliments is something I don’t know how to handle or to respond at.

I know how low I think of myself especially when it comes to my appearance. That’s why I crave something deeper than that. I crave someone’s acceptance not to my appearance but mainly on who I am as a person: how I think, how my imagination is, how I talk about my dreams, how my attitude is, and so on. I crave for my personality to be pointed at. Both my negatives and positives. Because I know too well with myself how much I still need to grow as a person.

Now, let’s get into the part where for almost 20 years of being single and independent, then all of a sudden, someone pops into your life who would like to share himself with you.

So, how do I put this. Basically, when at first you don’t give a single damn on anything particularly on how you appear to people, now you start wondering how they think of you. It is the most paranoid thought that you’d ever think of about yourself, when you start caring how you look like in front of people because you are already associated or linked to that someone. I honestly hate that kind of feeling. That feeling where you have to prove yourself to people why he chose you or what on Earth he has seen in you despite the many other girls much way better than you. I SO HATE IT. I hate it especially when I know I have so many insecurities within me that I am still working out with. Well, I don’t know how to work out my insecurities with my physical appearance so I’m still learning how to accept and love them as part of me. I just hate the fact that you’re still learning how to build your self-confidence and then people will just walk on them and rub more salt on the wounds. Sometimes it just make me cry how cruel it can be.

When asked, “how do you know then if you already love the person when you have been alone all your life and you still have so many insecurities to deal with?”

I know you must love yourself first in order to fully love someone else. You must learn to accept yourself first before accepting someone in your life. Yes, there are times that made me question myself either. I am the kind of person who is afraid to take risks and falling in love is one of it. It is like a deep pit where you will find it hard to get out of when you start to fall. But I still let myself fall. For that person. I took that risks I was avoiding all my life because getting hurt is something I’m really scared of. Maybe, I just know it when I see myself taking risks little by little to help me grow for the both of us. When I see myself wanting to become a person not just for him but for myself. So I can learn how to love him more because I know how much he deserves more.

#diary entry #lowkey

Life at 20

Sunday, 24 September 2017, 10:27PM

Just after watching Boyhood, a coming-of-age film, just a random thought pop into my mind that made me type here. Completely unrelatable though.

So, how do I put these into words or into contexts…

Life is full of surprises. You may never know what’s gonna happen next, who would pop in and out your life, you’ll never know. Yeah, the reaction is up to us. We’ll get mad, sad, depressed, completely our choice. But what really matters is what we learn in the process. In the process of losing and gaining.

They say life at 20 is pretty much confusing and complicated. So how do I arrange this… Hmmm. So, as grown-ups, we are expected to know what’s right or wrong, what we actually want in life, decision-making is pretty much vital and crucial here, you know. But honestly, this time is pretty much fucked up. How are you supposed to figure everything when your decision-making is not yet fully developed? Like, adults get mad at you for your careless decisions, for the things you take and do in life. But can’t they see that we are still works in progress? We are still learning and aren’t we supposed to not figure out things yet? But this cruel world is already putting so much pressure on us. Like we are already supposed to know what we actually want to do out of life.

I know people who are getting in this phase where they thought they already figured out what they want to do in life, but all of a sudden they just woke up one morning and they don’t like what they’re doing anymore. Isn’t that sad?

#life at 20

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