My Testimony
I have a tendency to write too much, so I'll do my best to try and give, I dunno, the cliff notes version of this. My journey of faith has been a long one with many hills and valleys (and plateaus), so let's get started.
As a child, my grandma took me to church. But the Gospel message didn't really sink in. My grandma also used to say things (even though I was well-behaved and literally feared her) like if I didn't respect her, I would go to hell. I loved my grandma, but our relationship was complicated. She has passed.
Due to trauma (particularly involving my biological dad) and way too much confidence in my intelligence, I became an atheist from the ages of 13-20.
At 20, I became very lonely, depressed, and felt worthless and meaningless and started researching various religions in an attempt to offset that feeling. I felt kind of pushed out of atheist communities online. No religion really sat right with me. I briefly considered Buddhism because it was compatible with atheism, but even some of the things I'd read about Buddhism didn't really suit my atheistic sensibilities. But I continued to spiral into a dark place.
Eventually, I thought to myself that maybe I hadn't really given the religion of my youth, Christianity, a chance. Maybe a God could exist. But it's a very hard jump from atheism to Christianity. I needed a sign of God's existence. Not a big sign. I said I'd believe God existed if I was given even just a small, circumstantial sign. Not one that would probably convince other atheists but would convince me. I received that sign on Monday after praying once on Saturday and Sunday. Feel free to ask me more about that sign if you wish. It really impressed me; though, it might not impress you.
But even though I believed in God, I didn't really believe in the Bible, and I still wasn't very familiar with the Gospel message.
Long story short, at some point when I was twenty-five, I was sitting in a Christian counselor's office crying because I'd felt an immense amount of guilt and shame for so long, and she guided me through a visualization exercise. I went to my "happy place" - an autumn wood with a path running through the middle of it, and blackberry brambles on the sides. She told me to meet Jesus there and asked me to ask him for forgiveness and what He would say to me.
And in my head, in my happy place, I heard Him. "You're forgiven of all your sins, both the real ones and the imagined ones. I love you, and I will always love you - even when the last star in the sky dies out and beyond that."
And for the first time in my life, I felt a release. I felt the guilt and shame diminish. It didn't fix everything right away, but it set me on the path to healing. I'm still healing.
I hope if you're reading this, you know that Jesus loves you, too. He's waiting for you with open arms, ready to forgive you of every wrong. We all have something we need to be forgiven for. Lies, inaction, bad thoughts, hurting someone's feelings, all of that and more - He'll forgive it all. You just need to go to Him.
