I'm a little unsteady.

[wnq-writers]

He ignited a fire inside me that has burnt my soul to its core. He was complex and funny. Messy dark hair and these chestnut brown eyes that I got lost in. It was clear he didn’t feel the same way, his eyes would always flicker away every so often and his smile when flat when he thought I didn’t notice. But he added fuel to my fire, with soft touches and kisses that were filled with desperation and tasted like cigarettes. We were two different - our timing was so off, but for a moment, I believed we could’ve been something beautiful.

annieaonline, writing prompt #67: write about an almost relationship, which broke your heart (via wnq-writers)

[strangers-project]

“This is what I do everyday. Science, structures, coffee, and endless amounts of hours in the library. I can tell you how many Newtons that ball was kicked with or the structure of ecstasy (the second one above) but I can’t tell you anything esle.

I can’t tell you:

→ how to fall in love → what it’s like to see someone and know it’s gonna last forever → how to live an unfleeting life

I hope one day to know what it means to be in love or to even be in infatuation. I hope one day I know how dopamine (the first one) or ecstacy makes you feel just by looking into your eyes. I hope one day comes real fucking soon.

(p.s. if this is you reading this and you know this is me somehow, just ask me out already!)

Here’s some cute date ideas to help you out

→ skinny dipping in Washington Square Park while drunk off our asses → breaking into the MET while high as fuck just laying → roadtrip to the Head and the Heart and Sticky Finger just you and me → anywhere with you and laughs, pretty much”

[oneyear2change-blog]

A Raw And Deep Open Letter To Him

I'm trying not to let it show that I don't want to let this go.

[oneyear2change-blog]

23 Things I've Learned By My 23rd Birthday

"Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal..."

[wnq-writers]

A lot of people say that we should always wait for the right time to do something; confess, perform, live our dream etc. But what if the right time never comes. Do we wait a lifetime just for that “right time”? Do we accept that this right time will never come? Or do we make it a right time.

g00gle23 (via wnq-writers)

[oneyear2change-blog]

An Open Apology Letter To Those I Ever Hurt And Myself

We try to be perfect and feel robbed when we realize we're not.

[oneyear2change-blog]

It’s not always what you say, it’s how you say it.

It’s 0720 on a Tuesday morning. Last week, I worked 81 hours. I had yesterday off, but much of the day was catching up on everything that I didn’t get to do during the crazy busy week and weekend I…

[oneyear2change-blog]

8 Things For Floridians To Do For Spring Break 2017

A week off, but what to do?

[oneyear2change-blog]

An Open Letter To My Mentors

Thank you for opening my path to greatness far beyond what I ever imagined for myself.

[wordsnquotes]

I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world.

Beth Clark, Kisses from Katie (via wnq-writers)

[oneyear2change-blog]

I Choose My Education And Future Career Over Love And Kids

It's OK if your priorities don't revolve around what society tells us we should be focused on.

[oneyear2change-blog]

The Secret To Getting Into Medical School

The answer to how to get into medical school lies in the deep crevices of our minds.

[oneyear2change-blog]

Demons

Today, I woke up in a really bad mood. I got six hours of sleep, so it wasn’t lack of sleep like it usually is. I had a dream that someone gave me 750$ and it felt so real that when I woke up to realize it was just a dream, I was utterly disappointed. I thought that was the reason for my bad mood. It’s not. 

The demons in my head today are louder than normal and I need to shake it off. I’m not a schizophrenic or anything. They’re not voices and they’re not telling me to do something. I don’t want to kill myself. I’m just focusing on everything bad in my life right now and it’s powerful.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am a very emotional person. Sometimes these emotions are good, sometimes they are bad. I feel like I’ve fucked up so many different things, even though I know I haven’t. I’m anxious. I have no appetite because I’m nauseous. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to do anything. The depression is on in full force today and I consider it the demons because that’s the only way it really makes sense to me.

I wish I knew what started this all. I used to be so goddamn happy. I used to love a challenge. I used to love stepping out of my comfort zone. Now, I cannot even stand the thought of it, let alone actually doing it. 

I truly feel like I am living someone else’s life so I am trying to make my own decisions, for me. That’s not helping either. 

I attempted to eat today and I got a fortune cookie. The fortune said “You are an adventurer- travel the highway of life.” When I read that, I had a sense of hope and happiness. It almost made me cry, which is what I think I need to do. For the first time today, I felt like everything would be okay- even if it was only for a brief moment.

[oneyear2change-blog]

I don’t love you, I always will.

When I was in high school, I had this thing where I liked to “bring people up” by offering encouraging words and advice as if I knew the ways of the world. Through apps like Timehop and Facebook’s ability to pull up things from the past, I see things from years and years ago saying “I’m in a good mood, let me know if you need someone to talk to” or “I love giving advice, let me know if you need anything tonight.” I was 13, 14, 15, and maybe even a little older. What did I know about the world that was so important to spread? Why did I think I had what it takes to turn someone’s day around? Maybe it was my dire need to help people that facilitated actions like these ones. Perhaps it was just my way of being a good friend. I’m not sure. What I do know, however, is the fact that since all of that, everything about me has changed. 

I’ve turned bitter, cold, and anxious all of the time. I feel things so deeply but usually it’s not for a good reason. I’m a very emotional person and that gets the best of me most of the time. I thought I had a handle of all of this during undergrad. Turns out, I really don’t. I need to figure out a way to bury all of this before I move to NY. I spend every day convincing myself to get out of bed. I spend at least an hour before every outing getting the courage to hang out with friends, even if I’ve known them for years. I go to work, come home, sleep, tutor, go to work, the cycle repeats itself. Am I happy? Absolutely not. I think I know why people like Robin Williams killed himself. He had everything anyone could ever want. Success, money, a family... But he was miserable. I have the things I’ve always dreamed of having. But I can’t shake the depression and sadness that I feel. It comes in waves, which is good I guess. I usually forget about it while I am working, another reason why I work so much. But I need to figure out how to shake it all the time. I cannot be like this. I’m sick of it. I’m this walking paradox and I need to change it. 

So I guess I’m going to use this blog for that. Writing used to help me, maybe it’ll do the same now. 

Here’s to hoping. Here’s to this transformation that I so desperately need.