#TheReal JasmynTiannaMarie

✍️❤️🎶

[only-jazzyb]

Sometimes…

I’m okay. Other times, the walls close in & it becomes difficult to breathe as the truth settles…

It’s like I have to force myself into a delusional make-believe world that it doesn’t matter anymore, that this is what I wanted, that I am okay with all of it….

14 weeks pregnant.

26 to go…

I’m not in love…

I’m not happy with the rebound that I sometimes once pretended to be dangerously in love with… to forget what love was supposed to be for me, for us. It was supposed to be us. I was supposed to have all of your babies. We were supposed be in love….

I wanted it so badly to be us…

But that’s not what people want to hear… when they congratulate me. That’s not what people expect me to say as they grovel over my baby bump. So I smile. I say thank you. & then…

I go back to pretending again….

[only-jazzyb]

“Mom”….

You told me that love wasn't meant for me.

My troubles were a burden on you, something you didn’t need.

I needed comfort when I was violated.. and yet I was cast aside.

I was left alone to escape in my books, my tears you never looked for so it was always easy to hide.

Your eyes would fill with disgust every time I passed by.

You didn’t have to say it, how much I have ruined your life.

How Micheal is gone, and your dad now too… it’s my fault and you felt that way. But you’ve always been a master of disguise.

You didn’t have to hit me or physically bruise me in order for me to bleed.

Inside I was broken, and robbed of all of my self esteem.

You told me I was a whore, destined for teen pregnancy and HIV.

You never stopped to think of the pain of your words being etched into my mind, would inevitably do to me.

You told me I was worthless and couldn't do anything right.

I looked up to you, you were my mom.. I needed your comfort those times I stayed up crying all night.

Your words became my heart beat, the force behind the knife that cut my wrists.

Your words became my mantra… sometimes, I wish your hatred would have been expressed with your fists.

You made me think that the only life for me..

Was the life where I stressed myself fulfilling your needs.

You took your insecurities and made them my mom own.

Its your voice that still haunts me, especially when I'm alone.

It’s you I still turn to and call during my happiest times.

It's like this new life I own, still isn't mine..

Because now you know what I have to offer, you know what you can take.

& I gladly give it.. it’s your approval I still search for, it’s your words that still cause me to break.

I just want my mom to be proud of me, you see.

But unconditional love from my mother, is not something I can ever foresee.

I just want my mom to realize that my whole life…

Her words dictated my destiny, because I always believed she was right.

[only-jazzyb]

Yolanda Adams- You

🎼 🖤 ✍️

It’s your mercy that I’m asking for. 🙏

[only-jazzyb]

All F’d Up

“It was you… yeah, it was you. Still feels like it should have been you. You set out to take everyone close to my heart, like the whole time

[only-jazzyb]

Saved 4 You

Before it was a song, it was a poem. Before I sang the words, I read them on a Securus phone call. Written as a poem during late-night jai

[only-jazzyb]

Wide Open

Late night thoughts. Unspoken emotions. Love letters during incarceration. When I still believed in us.

[only-jazzyb]

Her Voice

“Her Voice” is a record about growing up under the weight of a mother’s words—where silence cut deeper than absence, and love was conditiona

[only-jazzyb]

[only-jazzyb]

[evilvillain123456789]

step one: replace entire personality with open, festering wound

step two: contort absolutely all stimuli in my environment to relate to the my wound in some manner, ideally one which justifies random acts of unbridled aggression and vengeance

step three: marry a girl with generational wealth

[only-jazzyb]

The last poem I wrote at the end that was inevitable.

[only-jazzyb]

Finally going through the box under my bed….

I’m running out of time before everything has to be sold during another prison sentence I never thought would come…

Reading everything is breaking my heart as I see the outcome of everything and wish i never met him…

People think “it’s been months get over it.”

The loss of someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, is tied up with the loss of time with my daughter, and my relationship with someone I have spent my whole life with, my mom…

There ain’t no getting over it and reading these cards about “how one day we will both love Christmas again.” As I recall this last Christmas I was the only one who spent it alone….

He broke every single promise that I held on to.

Now I’m facing 5 years.

I don’t want to understand… I don’t care to.

[only-jazzyb]

[only-jazzyb]

Cold ass bitch on a cold ass day.

“If I’m a cold bitch” because,

I no longer normalize chaos, addiction, dishonesty, manipulation, or a lack of accountability in my life?

Then be chilly or move around.

I will not excuse behavior that harms me & then hides behind victimhood. I’ve seen what “quality living” looks like to some. It includes betrayal, reckless choices, & treating me— as an emotional or financial safety net with no genuine intention in return. That is not love. That is being mishandled and used.

That is not my standard.

I know who I’ve been. I know I wasn’t perfect. I also know my presence added value, support, & love.

I will no longer waste my energy defending myself to people who have never had lives that I have wanted.

Outgrowing people & raising my personal standard is not being cold. It’s awareness. The timing of what came to light was not random. It was divine— clarity I needed to move forward & not stay stuck in the same place in life as they have always,

& will always, be stuck in.

To my “sis” and birth mother… Have fun with my sloppy seconds. To the cheating victim who faked love the best, I hope u find peace with my mom & Sparky’s babies mom. 🤮 That alone should show you were your standards are. Yuckkkkk.

I’m okay with choosing different.

I’m okay with people bonding over narratives that no longer involve me. I’m okay with others staying where they are comfortable.

I’m committed to growth, & higher standards.

For that reason alone, we were never meant to remain in the same place together.

I’m at peace with the way things turned out. I am safe here. I am loved here. I am secure here. And I am fulfilled here. I smile here. I laugh here. I have fun and love life again here.

I thank God you showed me who you were and disrespecting me meant more than my feelings. I hope the list was worth that because karma will come back around. Maybe not, doesn’t matter. Thank you for letting me know I meant nothing to you.

[only-jazzyb]

& then you said, she was pretty…..

Was it worth it…?

Really, I don’t wanna know….. 😞

[only-jazzyb]

“Never Again.”

She learned too early what love should not be,

She learned too early, what it felt like when your loved one hurts you, and then leaves...

Two men she trusted, she loved and depended on as she grew…

Broke something sacred inside of her, before she even knew...

Before ten candles, before her childhood was done,

Her safety was taken, her silence was won.

So love became tangled with fear and with shame,

& being touched by a man... never quite felt okay...

She grew with a hunger she didn’t yet see,

Mistaking attention for being set free.

As a teen she searched the eyes of boys, for proof of her existence,

Lust felt like love— but she felt dirty… her self image forever being shifted.

The patterns grew legs, followed her grown,

Validation mistaken for seeds she had sown.

Men filled the space where worth should have stayed,

A debt she kept paying for… a debt she never made.

Then he arrived—different vibe, different tone,

For once her body felt safe, not alone.

Her heart chose him easily, without question and full of fear…

She wanted him, but his incarceration created a space where he was always distant and never near.

Then he got out, after 15 long years…

She had dreams of a different love, a love not lived in fear…

Her trust made her soft, something rare, something new,

She offered her softness because their love felt true.

Her love and her lust for one began to fade each time that she stayed,

In the future she pictured, she didn’t feel he wanted her or the plans that she made.

She still dreamed with him, shared with him, craved him and his taste.

Believing love meant you could lower your guard, believing their love was fate.

But wounds choose patterns when left unexplored,

And his hunger still wandered for something more.

Now love feels like glass in her trembling hands,

She won’t follow again, won’t make future plans.

Because she handed off her heart…

For it to be shattered by one man…

She feels dirty... his words make her weak.

She gets so flustered she can’t even speak.

Maybe she is changed for good, if so- let this much be said:

She loved once honestly—maybe the first and last time she will ever feel her heart isn’t dead.

He’s happy in another relationship now. As for her? She says "never again."

Never Again.

[only-jazzyb]

Too Blessed To Be Bitter \\ Blessed \\ Pastor Mike Jr.

We are so glad that you are here, and we pray that this message blesses your life. We only have one rule at Rock City – you cannot ROCK by y

Bitterness is Discipleship in reverse.

Discipleship makes you more like Christ, bitterness does the opposite.

Bitterness is an infection, not an emotion.

It’s also CONTAGIOUS.

Bitterness spreads through your thoughts, makes you see things distorted…

You are looking at people who genuinely love you as enemies and creating trauma bonds with people who couldn’t care less about you.

You operate through fear and not faith.

You destroy people who love you that you’re in a relationship with.

You destroy opportunities.

You stay angry and defensive, you are unable to to receive criticism. Your trauma and resentment is blocking you from your blessing.

It’s impossible for you to be better, in the presence of bitter.

Trauma not only alters yours ability, it alters your identity.