just a goblin

what is a goblin to do in a world without worms? she/they/he/it 19 pan mexican tw: ed, suicide, self harm, sa, etc

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

5/12/22

i've been gone again. i dont know why. i guess i lost interest in typing shit out. it gets tiring to write out your thoughts. Because then i become more aware of them. one thought leads to another and its a never ending cycle of words. I dont really care if im making sense right now. Im tired of writing for others, i just want to type out all these fucking emotions. I need to make sense of them. I dont know. Everythings so fucking confusing. so much has happened. I dont know where to even start.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

i want to stay inside forever

glued to my phone, laptop, earphones.

I. Dont. Care.

i dont want to be real anymore.

I dont wanna think anymore.

I dont wanna worry anymore

Let me waste anyway inside.

please

[b4lsam0-deactivated20231021]

I’m a toxic person and I should isolate myself completely in order to stop ruining people’s day with my existence

[wxlking-dexd]

Why do i have the urge to completely destroy my life? Like i want to break down completely and starve myself for days and hurt myself til i lie on the floor bleeding and not able to move and i want to loose myself in drugs and alcohol and pass out on the bedroom floor and spend all my money on drugs so i don‘t have to be sober ever again and don‘t have to feel or think anything ever again

[happpy-thoughts]

Imagine getting insecure and jealous that your self harm cuts aren’t as deep and severe as other people’s??? What the fuck is wrong with me.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

get better get better get better

stop yelling at me.

stop

please

let me destroy myself.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

1-19-21

how do i begin to explain to you what its like to live inside my mind?

emotions with unrecognizable names and heaviness i couldn't begin to find the words to express.

thoughts so sudden i couldn't process and analyze them for you to swallow easily enough to understand.

memorize so fuzzy and buried I'm not even sure when the panic really began to set in. was it at 10- or was it 12? when i lost hope in my parents being happy. Or was it when i met him?

how could i begin to express what its like when im not even sure which part is me and which part is trauma.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

1-19-21

ugh

i dont know why i do this to myself. i love my boyfriend with my whole entire being but since we're long distance some days are just harder than others. especially since he works nights and i work afternoons so when im awake, hes asleep. so we dont even get to talk and idk i just miss him. the more we talk about the future the more i realize how different we want our lives to be. I need physical affection and he just cant give that to me. and yeah he could visit but that would be for like a week and then we're back to square one. I want us to work so bad. but should i hold onto this knowing its lead to nothing? knowing im not letting myself be fulfilled? maybe im just being irrational and self- destructive . maybe this is a phase i will get over in a week and it'll be rainbows and sparkles again, but i dont know. i havent been able to shake this feeling. especially since.. when i think about him with another girl. there is no more jealousy. i dont think about him as much as i used to. i forget to tell him things. i dont know. what do i do

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

1-14-22

anger. That's what I feel, what I've always felt. it keeps me pushing and holds me when no one else will. It validates me without saying a word, without me having to beg. Anger held my hand and pulled me through the chaos. Anger wiped my tears away and told me to scream instead. Anger is what I feel now. Anger for what could've been, for what happened, anger for every single thought that crosses my mind. I let myself feel it. I allow every single cell of my body to relish in it. Anger. It gets me through it. and that's what I'm doing now. Getting through it.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

work is hard

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

12-13-21 i met him. xander is so nice. i cant believe we met in person.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

12-12-21 12:47am

so much has happened so fast im not even sure where to start. I got a job, xan and i are getting closer as friends, i got my ID, and today (well yesterday ig, the 11th) was my first day of work.

ok.. so ! As any other day my parents were bitching at me to get a job since i dropped out of college. They're letting it slide but dont want me to just bum around the house. so, i too thought i should at least work. So, i went on to apply to places. I thought, like any other time, they would just ignore my application. then suddenly I had a interview. I was soooo nervous especially since I was late and this was my first ever interview. but she said she liked me T^T !! (Im a host at a restaurant.) I needed to get some stuff for the uniform and complete some paperwork so I didnt start until a couple days later. (aka yesterday). The people there are nice enough, i still need to memorize tables and names and all that but i think i'll do fine.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

i feel so terribly empty

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

dear diary,

the most selfish things i've ever done is beg my mother to stay with her abuser if it meant i wouldnt get left behind too.

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

i want to lose weight

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

dear online diary,

I'm confused. I did everything right today. I got up as soon as i woke up, showered, ate, got dressed, hung out with a friend, walked, went to a park. THE WHOLE DAY WAS JUST ONE BIG LIST OF SHIT PEOPLE TELL YOU TO DO WHEN YOU"RE SAD. and at the end of the day. when i walked into my room, it didnt matter. I still feel so horrible. why?

[onlyeattwigswithsalt]

4:03am 11-29-21

dear diary,

I have a confession.

I dont want to die.

I want to live and eat and be happy.

I want to be a part of the world around me.

I want to romanticize every aspect of this silly little life.

But not living is so much easier.

When the weight of the past sits on you like a stubborn child in the morning, it is so much easier to shut your eyes.

when the yelling voices say such mean things right before a meal it is so much easier to listen.

when the pile of shit sitting on your bed seems to grow each time you think of cleaning it up, it is easier to turn away.

The truth is diary, i want to live, but fighting the war is so hard when you've lost every battle.