Despite L being a world class detective, famous in all meanings of the word ------ to the point where a mention of this single letter in the right context could raise heads and create conflict ------ L never actually existed. L was always more of a concept, an ideal and a belief, rather than a person, thus why it was possible for others to continue on the legacy -- take on the name and carry the torch. But L, the real L, the original L, became that ideal. Unlike the other people who took on his name, he was nobody. Of course, there were those raised from birth to take his place, but they had their own methods, their own personalities and tactics, they were individuals in their own right which is why Wammy’s house was such a competitive environment ------ all of those different people fighting for the same thing, against each other, to see who was “better” means a development of character and the desire to improve one’s self. L never had that, instead he was raised to be the best he could be, but for the soul purpose of fulfilling what I would call a prophecy -- some one man’s vision of an ideal detective.
Of course, L Lawliet always had an interest in justice, genius intellect and a quick mind helped him with that, so he was never completely against what he was becoming. But as he pushed, and pushed, he realised that he had to separate himself emotionally from his work, distance himself until logic was the only deciding factor in any case. The only emotion that he could even consider was the empathy needed to profile criminals. L always had emotions, despite his cold outer exterior, on the inside like everyone else he was lonely. Just a boy who grew up with no friends, no family aside from a man who adopted him, he had nothing apart from the place he was trying to get to. Underneath it all, he’s soft, gentle, would never hurt a fly unless they’d done something to wrong him or wrong others, he is the perfect example of equality in that case. Though sometimes he expresses decisions that are morally grey, he would only act upon these things if he was completely sure in his assumptions -- and training his entire life to be the best detective the world has known, he’s not arrogant in trusting his abilities completely.
Despite burying all of these emotions, personal needs, wants, desires for companionship and friendship and love, they’re still all very present. He fit into his role, and the fame of such a role weighted heavily on his shoulders. People adopted this “image” of him, since they didn’t know him personally, they imagined someone cool, mysterious, middle aged, clean, well organised, the PERFECT DETECTIVE, so to speak, and naturally L is not all that. We see the shock on the task force’s faces when they’re first met with L, and how surprised they were that their assumptions were wrong, so much they were probably double guessing they had the right hotel room. The thing is, people judged L before meeting him, but they judged what L showed them, the side of him that he had trained to let the world see -- a disguise.
We all know there’s no evidence of L Lawliet’s existence, all of his records, his name, his photographs, everything from his birth to his current living situation was struck from the face of the Earth. That’s all of his past, all of the personality he hides, all of himself, it’s that little part of him that was so well hidden now being completely erased. Once deleted, it’s gone forever. It’s an entire identity -- HIS IDENTITY -- that he had to brush under the carpet and burn. That was when he really became L, because it was the only identity left open to him. Again, he fell into the role, took the fall with grace, and lives in it. But now, people only see the detective, they don’t see him. And they never will. He’s just a ghost. There’s ample examples of times where L’s personality was open for the world to see, only for it to be rejected instantly because it didn’t fit the cover that he had devised, he’d fooled people so well into believing in his disguise that anything else was ignored or called out. But here’s just one example:
His motivation had taken a beating, he was depressed, tired, and feeling defeated by the impossibility he was facing - the impossibility of finding evidence that would stand up in court to prove his theories, the impossibility of catching a killer that could move from person to person - any ordinary person would feel daunted by the task. But L, being L, never once showed that side of himself to others, he was always determined, always ready to push forward, because he KNEW he was right and trusted his abilities, and in weighing the odds, he realised that he was pushing towards what would inevitably be his end. He knew it then. And when he allowed it to show, when he allowed himself to feel anything for himself, anything that wasn’t focused strictly on the task, it was shut down. He’s not allowed to feel sad, because he’s not a human being. He’s not a person. He’s just L. He’s this idea that the world wants to see, they don’t want to know what’s underneath the skin.
Even when he knows that his time is coming to an end, he avoids mentioning it to anyone except the one person whom he viewed as a friend. Not L, not the detective, but him. Who he viewed as a friend. L the Detective viewed Raito as his rival, as Kira, but him ? He wished, so desperately so, that all of his deductions and facts and evidence were wrong in the vain hope that he might’ve been able to find a friend in Raito. His first & only friend. The only person he bothered to forewarn of his death aside from Watari, despite the fact that he knew Raito was the one behind the plot itself. Nobody except Raito & Watari were aware or even knew of that human side of L, because he never showed it.
When L died, Watari died too, and that meant that the only person in the entire world that even slightly knew of L’s deeper personality, his wants, his desires, the only person who knew of L’s humanity was Raito. Even the people who idolised him, people like BB, didn’t know anything about L Lawliet, only thinking to copy the outer shell of the detective that L showed the world. Only Raito was there to carry him in his memory, which is a very loud pointer to the fact that the last thing Raito thought of before he died was L. But that brings me back to my first point. L Lawliet never existed. Because all of his past was erased from the databases, and all of the people who knew him for him are dead. There’s nothing left of him, except the torch that other people are carrying... he’s not even L anymore. He’s just gone. And was never there.
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