On or Off Again

This is a bunch of things that I am either on or off. Just in case you were wondering.

[onoroffagain]

OFF.

"My other car is a bicycle."

Oh yeah? That's neat.

If you're such a pro-bike-lifestyle advocate, WHY AREN'T YOU RIDING A BIKE?

By the way, nice Subaru.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

The dude who sits on his porch across the street and diddles jazz-ish noise on his amplified electric guitar.

Sorry sir, but contrary to your internal monologue, you're not improving the ambiance of the neighborhood. People are not sitting by their urban windows with a glass of sauvignon blanc while your willowy melody fragments waft in and relieve them of the stresses of an ant-like work day.

This is not reality.

All you're really doing is increasing my urge to blast Led Zeppelin directly out the window at the highest possible volume.

This is not reality either but it is my dream for you, Quasi-jazz Public Guitar Guy, after I blast Led Zeppelin in your direction.

Although you do seem like the kind of guy who would also be into LZ and probably you'd start playing along.

UGH I CAN NEVER WIN.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

Handlebar tape with brand names on it.

Like seriously, do you think I'm interested in ruining my bike's aesthetic to promote your stupid brandname?

The answer, of course, is no.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

Celebrity Chefs.

Actually, the entire Food Network Ethos in general.

Ugh, let me count the ways...

The question should not be, "Would you trust a skinny chef?", the question should be, "Why would you trust anyone with a) an unstylishly outlandish hair-style, b) an obnoxiously boisterous, zany, or possibly racist personality, c) who appropriates some sort of vague Italian-American-ness to appear knowledgeable about cooking to d) gain celebrity status among the soft-minded, soft-middled American droolers looking for faces other than Paul Newman on their foodstuffs?"

It's junk programming.

It's cronuts.

It's Guy Fieri (great prank idea: shave off part of his goatee while he is sleeping).

It's the episode of "Top Chef" where they had school cafeteria lunch ladies (all ladies, of course, because it would confuse America's conceptualization of gender-appropriate jobs to have a male school cafeteria worker) competing to "raise awareness of school food health." (There was no meaningful discussion about changing school lunch nutritional standards, there WAS however, a lot of characterizing the women as "providing nutrition to your children," perpetuating the "Woman as Nurturer" stereotype.)

God, I'd rather watch HGN.

That's a lie. I'd actually rather explode all the cable boxes in the universe.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

(Hey everyone, I'm back.)

I bought a simple, work-appropriate navy blue skirt from Forever21 like, a month ago. The skirt cost me $12, the fabric being a linen/rayon blend with a polyester lining.

The great thing about Forever21 is that you can get a simple blue skirt for $12. Great value, mediocre (at best) quality, for some clothes to spice up the working girl's wardrobe.

Imagine my chagrin when, upon preparing to launder the skirt, I realized it was "dry clean only."

THIS COMPLETELY DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF FOREVER21!

It would practically cost me the same amount of money to get the skirt cleaned as it did to buy it in the first place!

AND it's just a rayon/linen blend. We're not talking silk. We're not talking some sort of pressed wool finery. This is a 12 dollar skirt and you're telling me I have to dry clean it?

Get real. F21, you're putting on airs.

Hand washed it. No problem.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my unemployed 20something upstaris neighbor(s) for draining the hot water on the coldest day of winter. Really takes some skill. Like running both washers on hot-hot cycle at the same time, running your dishwasher, and taking an hour long shower or something.

Cheers mates! You did it!

[onoroffagain]

Off.

You're at work. You're writing an important letter to an important person. You spell-check it, you proof-read it, it's great. You print it out on super-nice organizational letterhead.

You spot a typo.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

Maaaan.

I just accidentally stumbled upon some photographic images depictinc sufferers of Smallpox.

Oh yuck. Oh poor humans. Oh thank you public health officials who eradicated that disease.

Oh, my skin is crawling.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

At least 40%* of the CTA busses I ride do not have a functioning ticker that announces the next stop.

Like, it's not that big a deal for me since I always know exactly where I am going at all times without question...but...what about the people who don't?

*This statistic increased dramatically from 27% to 40% in one night when both busses I took lacked a ticker.

[onoroffagain]

Off.

The way how anytime I make any station on Pandora that focuses on any band from the 1980s, I have to weed through all the god damned typical 80s songs ("You spin Me" "Hungry Like The Wolf" "Safety Dance" etc.). Come on, Pandy. New Order does not mean I want Time-Life's "Now That's What I Call 80s!" Double Disc set.

No.

Deep cuts, please. Please!

[onoroffagain]

Off.

Flavored coffee.

Just totally off it, guys.

It's too weird.

[onoroffagain]

On.

So I was waiting for others to join me on a conference call for work today. I was the first one to call in, so there was music playing. IT WAS STEELY DAN.

[onoroffagain]

On.

This word:

Just a classic way to talk about liars.

[onoroffagain]

On.

THEY FINALLY TURNED ON THE HEAT IN THE BUILDING I WORK IN.

[onoroffagain]

On.

The giant amount of satisfaction gained by unsubscribing to some spam-ass promotional mailing lists that your gmail somehow got added to.

I feel like some of these are still residuals from SXSW 2010.

[onoroffagain]

On.

Also yesss finally!

Has anyone ever approached Loyola's campus from the south/west on Sheridan and then you come to the intersection of Kenmore and Sheridan (aka Traffic Jam Central), and then there is a giant line of traffic in the left lane because Sheridan is a prime north/south route and the traffic is always horrible and nobody can ever make a left turn onto campus? Like one car per light cycle? And it's especially problematic on a bike?

No longer the intersection of left-turn doom. Easy access to work from now on!

Yeah well they FINALLLLLYYYYY installed a left turn arrow! This is kind of a big deal for Chicago, too. Seriously, so few intersections have left turn arrows. It's really rather maddening. I feel privileged to have received such a gift at an intersection that I patronize daily.

Score another one for the City of Chicago today.

[onoroffagain]

On.

Yesss. Finally!

Ok so there has been this one square of sidewalk on my street that was torn up a year ago. Ever since then it's been posing a threat to my ankles (re: spraining), getting gravel dust on my shoes, and just being a general eyesore.

Today when I departed for work, there was a giant cement truck using its chute to fill in the square!!!!!

Sidewalk continuity has been restored!