On the Twenty Fourth

All the roller coaster feelings I put into words. A compilation of thoughts, happenings and memorable events we shared together, which will I truly cherished and keep forever.

[onthetwentyfourth]

We Got Back Together

I don't know how to start putting everything into words. The last post I posted, I was sure that you don't have anyone else. But little did I know that you were cheating since December of 2018. Imagine? Ganon katagal mo na kong niloloko. Not just to one girl, pero sobrang dami nila. You stick to this girl na partly naging reason ng break up natin. How can I complain? Naging kabit mo din ako no'n bago mo ko maging girlfriend. Di ko alam if napost ko ba dito yun or not pero sapilitan pa yung "label" natin. I once was your mistress, kaya gets ko yung babae bakit siya pumayag mag settle sa ganong set up. Ilang beses akong may masamang feeling dun sa girl, pero dahil nga alam kong hindi ganon yung type mong babae ayun yung pinanghawakan ko. Pero putangina, hindi pala. Kasi puke is puke. Sorry for the word but that's the truth. Ilang beses akong nagsabi sayo dati na ayoko dun sa babae, na nag seselos ako, pero wala kong magawa kasi sabi mo nga ka-work mo siya, ka department, same office. Putangina! Nagsesex na pala kayong mga tanga. Ilang beses pa tayong lumabas kasama yung babae na yun, yun pala kaya ganon siya na nahihiya sakin is because you were cheating on me. I was so happy when we got back together, pero putangina! Yung ilang taon na masaya ako, na akala ko ako lang, lahat nawala. Lahat ng takot, anxiety, frustrations ko sa relationship, lahat bumalik. The worst part is that I am gaslighting myself to the point na alam ko yung tamang gawin na hindi ka balikan pero putangina, pumayag pa din ako. Nakipagbalikan pa din ako kahit hindi ko deserve. Putangina! Hindi ko deserve pero hinahayaan ko. I deserve what I allow to continue. Feeling ko sobrang gago ko na, kaya kong payuhan sariliu ko ng tamang gawin pero hindi ko ginagawa. Nag sesettle ako sa tao na parang demonyo. The girl messaged me the day after namin magkita ng boyfriend ko sa Tagaytay. Inamin sakin lahat nung babae yung nangyare sa kanila. That moment naisip ko yung time na inamin ko lahat ng nangyare samin ni Arjay kay Lovely. Napa-putangina nalang ako, kasi ganon pala kasakit yon. I feel so sorry for Lovely. Hindi ko alam. So, as I was saying inamin nung girl lahat. I confronted my boyfriend and umamin siya. The girl even told me na nakunan siya, putangina! My world crashed, ganon ganon lang lahat ng pinagsamahan namin. Ganon lang lahat kadaling pakawalan. Tapos ngayon, eto, andito na naman ako sa putanginang cycle na 'to. Hindi ko alam bakit pinili ko pa din mag stay kahit iniwanan na ko. PUTANGINA! INIWAN AKO, PERO NUNG BINALIKAN AKO, NAKIPAGBALIKAN PA KO. Putangina Ash! Putangina! Hindi ka naman panget. You can finance yourself. Pero bakit ang bobo mo? Gusto ko na magpa-check, gusto ko na kumausap ng life coach baka sakali makatulong. Feeling ko napapaikot ako and I lately realized na masochist ako, Kaya baka I got pleasure kapag sinasaktan ako. It isn't right, at alam kong I need to address it. I need help, but I'm closing my doors. Lahat ng ganaps ko sa life. Lalo sa work lahat apektado. Wala na ko nagawang matino sa sarili ko the past few days. Sobrang gulo ng buhay ko ngayon. Eto yung major twist ng 2022 ko. Gusto ko ng matapos 'to, pero hindi ko alam kung paano. Tulungan niyo ko, nalulunod na ko.

[onthetwentyfourth]

Almost a Month After Our Break Up

Two more days to go, and we're gonna celebrate our first month of not being together. We still talk and flirt sometimes. When reality slaps me that I should not let you treat me like this, I get mad at you. Mad because after investing so much time and effort into this relationship, you still chose to leave me. Angry at myself because maybe I should have done this before, but I don't have the courage to.

[onthetwentyfourth]

BIGLA KANG NAKIPAG BREAK

Wala tayong major away, pero everyday nag aaway tayo and our relationship is so toxic. Di ko sure kung may iba ka, like what I was suspecting you. Pero may gut is telling me na wala naman. The past few months, yung update natin sa isa't isa parang robot na. Like we're updating with each other ganaps pero hindi naman talaga tayo nag uusap. Like yung may sense na usap. Wala na kong alam about you, and ganon ka din sakin. I admit, na nilayo ko sarili ko sayo because I'm preparing for this moment. Pero I will never be ready for this pa din talaga. Sad part is, nung panahong kaya ko na, kumapit ka pa. I still gave our relationship another chance. Kinalimutan ko lahat and tinry kong iwork out yung feelings ko for you. It came back. Kaya siguro ko nasasaktan ng slight ngayon. Or maybe, hindi palang talaga nag sisink in lahat sakin. Last Sunday, naalala ko lang. Sa homily nung priest, he talked about "giving someone space". Naisip ko na baka Lord sent me signs na din of this moment. Before, everyday kong pinag pray kay Lord na kung hindi ka para sakin, alisin ka na sa buhay ko. Pero every time may major away tayo, and I feel like giving up lagi ako nahingi ng sign na kapag ginawa mo 'to, mag aayos tayo. Funny is, parati mong ginagawa yung mga bagay or mga signs na hinihingi ko. Kaya nagkakaayos tayo. Iniisip ko na baka naman talaga ikaw yung para sakin. Kasi ang tagal tagal ko na pinipray kay Lord pero wala eh. Medyo naiiyak pa din ako kapag iniisip ko kung totoo ba. Kung legit bang hiwalay na tayo. Pero sabi mo bigyan lang kita ng time, ng space to think about it. Ginagamit ko din yung time na hiningi mo to think about things, kung gusto ko pa din bang ituloy to if ever. Sa ngayon, I'm questioning myself, "Ikaw na ba yung lalaki na gusto ko makasama, forever?" and my inner self is answering NO. But the thing that keeps holding me ay yung taon na pinagsamahan natin. Hindi naman lahat masama. Madami ding maganda at masasayang moments. The thing about you is that, I know you're trying hard to give what I want, to give what I deserve. Pero alam ko nahihirapan ka, it's not natural for you to do those things. Iniisip ko na baka hindi talaga, na baka there's someone for you, for us, na hindi dapat ma feel na nahihirapan sila to give the things we deserve. Baka kaya mabigat and ang hirap iwork out ay dahil pinipilit natin yung hindi naman na dapat. Bigla ko lang naisip, kapag nag aaway tayo I always say "Ayoko na, maghiwalay na tayo." Ikaw, pangalawang beses mo palang sinabi na maghiwalay tayo and feeling ko wala ng pangatlo. The bottom line is, nasasaktan ako kasi mahal kita, pero hindi ko din nakikita sarili ko na ikaw na yung kasama ko pang habang buhay. So kahit ano nalang mangyare, alam ko we'll get through this. Maybe not as a couple but as an individuals.

[onthetwentyfourth]

Hey there!

It's been almost 4 years, since my last update. I read my old blog posts tried to absorb those feels from before. Thinking how in love I was with this person. We're still together. In fact we just "celebrated" (we really didn't celebrate it) our 4th anniversary last month, 28-October. We're on this phase of our relationship now that I really want to give up. But he's that type of person who doesn't want to let go of someone that easily. I asked him if he's still in love me and his answer is YES. I keep asking myself the same question and I couldn't answer myself. Just a recap of those years: October 28, 2018 - First Anniversary: He asked me "where you gonna date me?" he meant it as a JOKE, but I took it personally. That's because I was thinking that that was a very special day for me. It's a girl thing, you know, to celebrate anniversary. But then nothing special happened. We didn't date, no exchanging of gifts, but wait! Did I mention that we fought? That was special. October 28, 2019 - Second Anniversary: We're not together because it's Monday and I have work in Makati. Yes, I moved to Makati after I left my job in Tagaytay. I work Mon-Fri and I have that 9am-6pm type of job. Sometimes I would go straight to Tagaytay from Makati on Friday. But if I'm really tired, I will go early Saturday morning and then go back home on Sunday afternoon. That's our routine. It's okay, it's fine by me. You know making effort, sacrificing my time, my rest day just to spend time with him. It's okay because I'm happy doing it. October 28, 2020 - Third Anniversary: Pandemic. We're not together because he's working in Quezon City. His rest day is Sat-Sun. While me, I don't have work and I'm sick. I got diagnosed with Pott's Disease. I'm doing physical therapy and all that medical stuff. We celebrated it on October 30 though, I said I was craving for samgyup. Actually no, I didn't feel like we celebrate it. More of like, we just ate outside. Because tbh we didn't talk about anything, our relationship, like you know catching up "how are you? im good, how about you? I'm fine thank you" We just ate. Nothing special. October 28, 2021 - Fourth Anniversary: Just like our first anniversary, we fight. After he resigned in QC he didn't get a job. He has no money, no savings, but he still has his car. I'm working now as a call center agent, night shift. I filed VL for October 28 & 29, because you know it's our anniversary and hopefully we get to celebrate this time. We've been through so much. But you know what I ended up cancelling my VL because there's nothing gonna happen. He doesn't have plan, he said he doesn't have money so how can we celebrate? Did I mention that I paid for that samgyup on our Third Anniversary, even if he has the money because he's working and I'm not? We fight on our Fourth Anniversary, great! Maybe fighting is our love language and that's how we celebrate it.

[words-of-emotion]

Don’t mention a person’s past mistakes when they are trying to change. That’s like throwing rocks at them while they are struggling to climb a mountain.

Unknown

(via words-of-emotion)

[onthetwentyfourth]

Vigan City 2017

[onthetwentyfourth]

An Open Letter to Jowel Ellacer I had experience the good to best, the bad to worst with you and vice versa. Which I'd never thought would happen, because you're just someone before. Someone I never thought I will fall in love with and will be the most important and special person for me. You were just that "pacute and papansin guy" who asked for my number and bugging me all throughout. You were just like that for me, at first. At first, you're nothing. The next day you're my everything. I didn't planned nor have an intention to fall for you. But cupid sucks because I just did fall in love with you, 101%. I am so happy that it's you I fell in love with. You are the man of my dreams. My fantasy. I fantasize everything about you. You are so deep person, which probably not everyone could see. But luckily, I got to see you on the other side. I got to see how you wounded, how you healed, and how those wounds become scars. Scars that leads you to be someone else. Someone much stronger and wiser. I got to know how deep is your love for your family and for your friends, which I probably got jealous many times because the truth is, it's them (your friends) over me. It hurts, but it didn't matter. As a matter of fact I once was your friend. I hangout and chill out with you. All these things while fucking each other around. A friend, that's what you call me. That's how you treat me but not I am to you. I see you as my boyfriend. A special someone. A person I cannot afford losing. I settle for something I should have never settling. I settle for less than what I deserve. I deserve more. I deserve you. But I deserve to be slapped too with the fact that no matter what I do, I cannot make you happy. Real happy. I cannot give the same happiness you once had. Because I am me. Nothing more, nothing less. I am sweet, clingy, spontaneous, wild, loud, hard headed, and fucked up person. But I am happy being me. Love me or leave me. It's all up to you. You who made me change. You who helped me to be someone better. You made me realize that I can be contented. That I am capable of being contented. But again, life is a bitch. It's always a positive and a negative. There's no perfect love story but in our case, it's just a story.

[onthetwentyfourth]

Kaya Ko Pero Ayoko

Kaya kong makipagchat sa iba, pero ayoko. Kaya kong makipagtext sa iba, pero ayoko. Kaya kong magpacute sa iba, pero ayoko. Kaya kong makipag-date sa iba, pero ayoko. Kaya kong lumandi sa iba, pero ayoko. Kaya kong humalik ng iba, pero ayoko. Kaya kitang palitan, pero ayoko. Kaya kitang iwan, pero ayoko. OO, KAYA KO. PERO, AYOKO! Ayoko kasi, I'm not the same person I once was. Ayoko kasi, alam ko masasaktan ka pag ginawa ko yon. Ayoko kasi, naniniwala ako sa karma. Na lahat ng maling gagawin mo ay babalik sayo. Ayoko kasi, malalandi lang naman gumagawa no'n at graduate na ko don. Ayoko kasi, nakakatamad makipagchat, makipagtext, magpacute, makipag-date, lumandi sa iba. Ayoko kasi, ayoko. Ayoko kasi, mahal kita? Ewan ko, ngayon hindi na ko sigurado. Puro sakit na lang kasi nararamdaman ko.

[onthetwentyfourth]

Hindi na ko masaya. Literal na hindi na. I'll look at him without feeling anything but pain. Alam ko literal na mawawala yung butterflies, yung spark, yung kilig. Pero bakit ganon? Bakit nasasaktan ako? Pakiramdam ko nakakulong ako.

[onthetwentyfourth]

Hindi ko alam kung paano at saan sisimulan ang blog post na 'to. Ayoko na sanang maalala pero hindi ko alam bakit paulit-ulit gumagawa ng movie ang isip ko. Aray! Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Hindi ko alam kung may mas sasakit pa sa word napaka-pinaka-sobrang-sakit. Hindi ko na maexplain kung normal pa ba yung ganitong klaseng sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Wala na kong alam. Gusto kong maging manhid na lang. Gusto ko balewalain na lang. Gusto kong kalimutan pero hindi ko magawa. Saan ako magsisimula? Paano ko sisimulan? Ang daming tanong na tumatakbo saking isipan. Sisimulan ko na? Ikukwento ko pa ba? Paano? Game. "THEY HAD SEX" They. Meaning, I am not included. I am not on the picture. THEY in tagalog ibig sabihin SILA. Oo, sila na pukinanginang babaeng hitad naputanginang pokpok na pakantot kung kani-kanino yung sinex niya!!!!

[onthetwentyfourth]

You're my most favorite subject. A kind of subject that I would always want to capture. Seeing you act in front of the camera makes me want to pinch you. You were so cute when you don't know what to do or what to pose. Every time I gave you instructions you were ready to do it. I really fell for you. I love you my most favorite subject.

[onthetwentyfourth]

<p>A wonderful weekend getaway with this pogi at my back at Valentino Resort and Spa in Lipa Batangas.</p>

[onthetwentyfourth]

A Little Longer

I love you so much. I love you so much that it hurts this much too. I love you from day time to night time. I love you from sun to moon. I love you from stars, galaxies and milky way. I love you from the deepest ocean in the world. I love you from the tallest mountains to the oldest trees in the world. I love you despite everything we are going through. I love you even though you're not mine but I considered myself yours. I love you when you're struggling. I love you when you achieved something. I love you in all forms that love could give. But one sided love is not enough. Even though I know from the very start that you won't fall in love with me, because I am someone who's not worth having to have. I took the courage to fall for you, knowing that if I fall you won't bother yourself catching me. I've done so many desperately things to get you. But in the process of doing that, I end up loosing myself. I end up loving you so hard and now I fell so bad. It's been a year already and knowing you as a person, I could say that you're a good kind of man. You're sweet in your own way. Gentleman. One of a kind good looking guy. As I've once said, You're The Man of My Dreams and I try so hard to get you, but you were just so high standard. That my dreams turned into nightmare. I've been blinded by the love I have for you. But I never regreted loving you. Maybe it was like a roller coaster ride that never stops, but those times when I'm with you, those stolen moments, they were precious and forever be cherished.

[onthetwentyfourth]

MAHIRAP MAGMAHAL NG TAONG HINDI PA TAPOS MAGMAHAL NG IBA

A line from a movie Barcelona that had been stamped on my mind ever since. It's been two months and a week if I'm not mistaken when they broke up and still there are questions that keep on haunting me. "Namimiss niya kaya si Rica? Yung mga bagay na dating ginagawa nila? Yung mga panahong masaya pa sila? Naiisip niya kayang, pano kung mas pinaglaban nya pa? Pano kung hindi agad siya sumuko? Pano kung pinatunayan niya talagang si Rica yung mahal nya at hindi nya kaya kung wala siya? Pano kung ginawa nya lahat lahat para lang mabawi siya? Para lang magkabalikan sila? Masaya kaya sya ngayon?" I know how hard I'd been torturing myself by thinking this, but I just can't help it because if I could, surely I would. I would never think about him thinking other woman, thinking about his ex, I won't give a damn thinking about these shit because it fucking hurts, it fucking hurts all the time!!! Sometimes, I just really want to ask him, "Pano kung bumalik si Rica?" but I don't have guts to asked him this question because I know in myself that I'm not ready for his answer. But then someone asked him the same question I've been wanting to ask him for quite long time. Someone asked Jowel, "Pano kung bumalik si Rica?" and what hurts most was his answer "hindi ko alam" he said. Unfortunately, my conversation with that someone hanged. But it left me haunting again. What does that hindi ko alam means? Does it mean babalikan niya pa din kahit niloko na siya? Kahit ginago na siya? Kahit pinagpalit na siya sa iba? Babalikan niya pa rin ba? Ganon ba yon? Dahil kung ganon lang din, ano pa 'tong ginagawa ko? What are those Imissyou's and, Iloveyou's mean? Those make love we made. Those moments we filled with joy and laughter? A joke. A fucking joke every now and then? Tell me. Tell me if I'm being set up for a biggest heartbreak!!!

[onthetwentyfourth]

Let me first thank you for this day (February 19) when all we did was to enjoy and cherish the moment. Thank you so much for being everything. For being the person I never thought you could be. You were so sweet and gentleman and I love you so much for that. You keep on putting butterflies in my stomach and I just can’t help myself but to smile. The way you hold my hand, the way you carry me, the way you put your arms around me. Those peck and small little kisses you gave to me. I just love the way you react about the things I do or told you. Every time I tell you "I love you" you flushed and if I tell you how grateful and thankful I am, you really don't know what to react. Maybe you're not used to it, but it's me being straight forward. I want to tell you everyday how much I love and care for you. You're the person who makes me smile for no apparent reason. Thank you for making me feel so special. I love you baby Jowel, with all my heart.

[onthetwentyfourth]

Sudden Changes

I don't even know how to start this. It's been three months and one week since my last post and of course lot of things had happened. Jowel and his ex girlfriend broke up, yes they were. The girl was the one who called it split between the two of them and to found out that she's seeing other man. Jowel was so devastated and hurt and I was the on who tried to comfort him, I was his rebound but kept on saying that I'm not. It's one and half months since they broke up, I knew from within that Jowel has his own way of recovering to that pain that caused him. He's been so busy on his work, no off, long hours of duty, overtime. He's spending most of his time to work. I saw how hurt he was. He sobbed like a child and don't even care how was he look like. I was there when the only thing he could do was to cry out loud. He cried like that there's no tomorrow. I felt so much pain seeing him like that and still asking myself "do I deserve this?" but then I didn't leave him. I chose to stay because I love him so much that it hurts me a lot seeing him like that. I stand for him. I lend my shoulder when he needed it. I was his clown who really tried to make him happy even though I know that he can never be happy the way he once was. To be honest, I made this entry because I felt like I want to give up already, I want to give up on him and to everything about him. Because I thought that I can't do this anymore. That I can no longer endure the pain I've been holding for so long. I cannot go on and act like we're actually girlfriend/boyfriend but the thing is that, we don't even have a label. And it fucking hurts! It fucking hurts all the time! Things are still limited. Less demands. Less expectations. Everything must be less but I am demanding and expecting for a lot fucking more. Now, I've been holding my tears to prevent them from falling and I realized that I cannot still live without him. I want to know every mundane details of his life and I still want to share mine. I still want to inhale his exhale. I still want to love him because I still choose to love him with no limits.

[onthetwentyfourth]

Supposedly it should be our second anniversary (Pat and I) but since we weren't able to come this far there was nothing to celebrate. I woke up like it was just an ordinary day. I'd be lying to myself if I tell you that I never thought of you, of course, I thought of you. I wonder if ever you're thinking about me too. I wonder where are you, what you're going to do and such. Simply I wonder, if you ever wonder about me too. As the time passed by, my mind was suddenly occupied of an idea. An idea to celebrate. Of course not our "anniversay" but to celebrate his birthday. I remembered that I promised him that we're going to have a post-birthday-celebration. So I planned everything. From the story I'm going to make. To the food I'm going to prepare. To the time I am going to wait. I prepared a simple thing to give him a mini surprise post-birthday-celebration. I was a bit shy because of the corny thing I put, the banner that has HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! on it. I didn't bother myself to take pictures since I know that everything will be memories after a while. I cooked mac and cheese macaroni and I also bought a chocolate roll cake with a sparkling candle on top of it. I wanted him to blow the candles since I wasn't able to see the one he blew on the real day of his birthday or there was none. Then suddenly, it all came to me. Why do I have to put so much effort to someone who cannot give the same effort I'm doing? Why do I have to do such thing? Why do I have to make myself tired just to make someone feel special but cannot do the same way for me? Why do I have to take care someone who will never ever stand for me? Why should I care for someone who cannot give me the treatment that I deserve? Why do I still love that someone that only makes me his option? There are so many why's and why's. And even though I know the answers it only falls to that "because I love him" thing that I hope don't exist.