Onward Still

Gently He Leads Me, All Towards the Light

[onwardstill]

Walk Thru the Dark: 11

I'm struck by this: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4, ESV) I will fear no evil. Through the dark, I have no need to fear evil. Though death impacts me, I will fear no evil. You are with me. Shepherd King, You are with me. That changes everything.

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Walk Thru the Dark:10

The ending of the story is important. When I'm walking through the dark, it's easy to forget the ending. It's easy to believe that all of my reality is in the here and now, in the pain and struggle. I listened to The Magician's Nephew by CS Lewis on audio book yesterday, and I can't tell you how good it was for my soul to imagine another world and to long for another world and realize that I was very much made for another world as CS Lewis declares of us. I felt like my head was lifted above water, and I breathed fresh air. Joy is upcoming. It is very hard to keep my eyes on the Light at the end when I'm walking through dark. Very hard. Sometimes, I can't, but sometimes, Jesus reaches through and lets that light slip in brilliantly through a song on the radio, the kind and well-timed words of a friend, the smile of a stranger, an audio version of a children's book. He gives me hints of joy, hints of light-coming.

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Walk Thru the Dark: 9

I'm realizing that following Jesus means that there's a lot of walking through the dark. AJ Swoboda wrote a book called "A Glorious Dark." I'm eating it up. He splits our walk with Jesus into three phases: Good Friday, Saturday, and Easter Sunday. We all go through phases when one of these days becomes more of a focus to us. Sometimes, we're stuck in our pain (Friday) and our confusion (Saturday). Other times we're living on the other end, able to see God at work in our world (Sunday). I'm processing a lot, but I'm learning that dark is a common shade as we walk this journey Jesus has for us. There's comfort in the normalicy of that. I'm not alone. You're not alone. This is a well-worn path.

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Walk Thru the Dark: 8

Yes, I know. I'm behind. But maybe there's a pace of its own in the dark. One thing I'm learning is that when I walk through the dark, sometimes God's voice sounds very dark. Sometimes I project my own feelings into God's Word, and Jesus sounds angry. In these times, I have to retune my ears to hear His tone. Sometimes, I have to step back a little from His written Word and hear His Word again through nature and songs and friends and Church. I need to retune my ears to love, so that I can read His Words through Love. This is my theory at least. This is how God has recently drawn me back into His love.

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Walk Thru the Dark: 7

One of my friends envisioned me standing next to a heavy ball. That ball was wrapped around a chain that was wrapped around me, and I was peering at the reflection in the chain, but the reflection wasn't accurate. My dear mentor and friend wondered if that ball was the pain I carried in my life, and if I was wrapped up in a chain that held that pain close and that lied to me about the truth of the situation and of my own soul. I can resonate with that. Sometimes, pain becomes the identity. The darkness becomes my story which becomes me. I fall prey to that so easily. I try to find my reflection in that, and I find that what I am accepting and seeing is a lie. Who am I in the dark? Who am I when people ask me my story or when people ask how I'm really doing? Who I am? That's the question I'm asking tonight.

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Walk Thru the Dark: 6

Well rats. I already missed a posting day. Such is life. One thing on my mind lately has been the word "through," that this is important. If I had the magic to make this season go away, it wouldn't help one bit. I need to go through it. I need to face what's inside of me and outside of me. THROUGH. I'm glad I'm not alone in it. Step by step.

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United Pursuit - Hidden (ft. Will Reagan)

...Get the rest of the album here! http://bit.ly/iTunesSimpleGospel "There was one when I was young Who knew my heart He knew my sorrow He held my hand And h...

"Now I am hidden In the safety of your love I trust your heart and your intentions Trust you completely I’m listening intently You’ll guide me through these many shadows." May this be my song . . . through these many shadows. Amen.

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Walking Thru the Dark: 5

I am beginning to realize more and more how easy it is to distract myself, to keep myself from the quiet. All it takes are the Facebook messages I let pile up, the texts I don't respond to, the letters that need responses, the food that needs to be made, the insurance I need to apply for, the friends I want to see to escape from the above lists . . . you know. There is always something. "but few things are needed--or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." - Luke 10:42

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Walking Thru the Dark: 4

Continued . . . That slowing down was a doorway into feeling what was going on below the surface. A lot of sadness over a lot of recent losses. I didn't feel better after that Saturday, but I started feeling, and something deep within me realized that this was the start of the journey, that this being aware of my own darkness and walking THRU it with my Father was the answer. One thing I learned what that sometimes, when we've been running a long time from our own feelings and maybe from God Himself, it takes a long time of silence to really tap into that disconnect, that depression. I need silence in my life. Long periods of it. I need to be able to know where I'm at so I can realize Jesus and allow Him to meet me there, to walk me through the dark instead of pretending it doesn't exist. Silence. I get it now, why silence and solitude are spiritual disciplines. I need to be able to hear myself feel and think because I need Jesus to interact with me there.

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Walking Thru the Dark: 3

I moved to the city for a new job and a new season. I was desperately wanting to close up an old season of loss. I guess I hoped that moving somewhere new might be a chance to move on.

Almost every night after moving to the new place, I would go out. I would see friends after friends, try a new Bible study, visit a random prayer group, hang out with cousins in the city, drive out to the country to see a cousin’s football game. It was so unconscious, but there was such a drive in me to outrun the darkness, to keep my life busy to keep from feeling.

One of my housemates realized how full my introverted life had been, and she lovingly challenged it, suggesting I call off my Saturday plans and just rest. That sounded so good.

I drove off to a coffee shop late morning, and I sat there for hours. Journaling, reading, processing. It started out feeling like relief, but then I moved past the surface, and because I was finally allowing myself to experience silence, I began to tap into the darkness. To be continued.

[onwardstill]

Walking Thru the Dark: 2

This world is full of sickness. We're such a diseased people, and our diseases are contagious. Your sickness impacts me greatly, and I know my sickness impacts you. Hatred and lies and bitterness are the death of us. But God, being rich in mercy . . . But God, being rich in . . . But God, being . . . But God . . . Today was AWFUL in Roseburg, Oregon. What an understatement. Sickness is rampant, and it shames me how I feel like I'm just now starting to understand how hard-core diseased we all really are. But that's just not the end of the story. I refuse to believe it, and if we stop there, if we wait too long there taking in the ugly of the world, we lose sight. But God . . . A perfect God was willing to take on all of my disease so that I could be completely made well as He died on the cross. Three days later, He ultimately won the fullest victory. Even my disease was not too big to take Him under. Jesus is alive. And because He's alive, because He is rich in mercy, today is horrific and horrific and horrific, but there is still HOPE and the only way I know to keep back the dark is to PRAISE Jesus. So I do, I praise Him. Jesus, You are GOOD. You are the Light of the World. You are Love incarnate. You mourn with us. You are so, so kind and empathetic and compassionate. You will hold us and heal us. You are the Creator, the Sustainer of Life, and in You all things hold together. I love You. I believe in You. Please come to Roseburg and sit with her in her tears. You understand. Thanks, Papa. In Jesus' name, Amen

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Walking Thru the Dark: 1

I just started "A Glorious Dark" by AJ Swoboda, and I'm awaiting Barbara Brown Taylor's book "Learning to Walk in the Dark." I think we all have these seasons when the light seems to dim, and it's hard to find our way. God is distant, and we're not sure where Home is. I am definitely there right now. I'll be honest. Even still, I hold a lot of Hope in the dark because it's not my destination. It's just my through-street into the Light. The rescue plan to bring me out of the darkness is already in place, and now, my job is to allow Jesus to walk me through it. One step by one step by one step. To learn the treasures that can only be found here. Come with me? Step by slow, steady step.

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For the past several years, I've been eagerly anticipating the month of October as a month to try to blog all 31 days. A slew of us women join the bandwagon, and we go to town, all excited until we reach the place where we're asking our dried up selves why in the world we thought we had 31 days worth of time and words within us. But we always forget that part until we get to that part, so I'm forgetting too and starting off like the rest. I may not make it through all 31 days, but I hope to post 31 posts, regardless of when and how it happens. Thanks for caring about my words and joining me. If you're at this point too where the walk towards the Light is getting just plain dark, look into my green, Irish eyes. I get it. My eyes are heavy with the weight of it all too. Join me? We'll walk through this together?

[onwardstill]

In the Beginning

I like wide open spaces. Wide open desks. A far and wide breadth of sky. An uncluttered place to just write. So here I am. A wide open tumblr blog. Ready to begin a new adventure.