Enter at your own risk- Self Discovery is at work!

A blog about me moving on from my past, rediscovering myself, and finding the love inside. Also, ramblings about my day, strangers that I meet, and pictures of the things I can't explain. Food for the mind, all served on a plate next to your favorite side dish. Wash it down with a glass of red wine and enjoy the ride...

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Don’t Take It Personal...

Listen....

I know that I am an Aries. I’m also an only child. I also can be sensitive, and I’ve been really working hard to let things go and not always react in the moment. I’m growing, y’all. Lastly, I’m doing the best i can to be the best I can and not always take things personally. Many times it’s just business, and other times it’s just the nature of the beast.

HOW-FUCKING-EVER...

Don’t you ever in your goddamn life disrespect me by smiling in my face and pretending that you didn’t plunge the knife in my back. I can’t stand a fake, phony person. It grinds my gears. This past weekend I worked probably the hardest I’ve worked in a very long time- looooong hours, too much responsibility and too little support. When I did ask for assistance (which is hard for me), I was met with resistance and a bit of attitude. 

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Listen, I understand that when prayers go up for folks, blessings tend to rain down. But don’t get it twisted, I will wring your neck if you treat me as if I’m trying to take you out of your blessed place by asking you to do your actual job. I don’t need handouts from anyone. I am quite capable of handling things on my own without much assistance or support. But this is some bullshit. 

I’m tired, y’all. I don’t think any of this is worth it and I’m really ready to move home. At least I’ll be near my mom and have support coming in form somewhere. I’ll pray on it.

Til then,

Save me some butter beans on the stove.

-Lei

[blkproverbs]

“Whu'chu done did now?”

African-American proverb, usually used by parental figures to children who are always getting in trouble for something.  (via blkproverbs)

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Love Letters and Shit... Vol. 1

Hey, 

So I was inspired by a post I saw that read, “When was the last time you wrote yourself a love letter?”. So I decided to do it. 

I really don’t want to say anything you’ve heard before, but sometimes its nice to hear it again. I know there are times that i take advantage of how big your heart is, and I make mines smaller just so you can love me more. I want you to know that I notice all the effort you put into the meals we eat, the kind things you do for me, and the advice you give to make me better. I know that you are fighting many invisible battles that I wish I could win for you. Just know that i am always beside you whenever you want me around (and sometimes when you don’t). Your presence means more than any present you can give. Sit down and let me do for you ever once in a while. I see the God in you, and she is divine.

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Love, Actually

Hey Y’all. Hope you’ve been well.

I just had a thought, and I wanted to share. It’s about love. Specifically, how I love, how I’ve allowed people to love me, and what I will and will no longer accept. There have been a number of people that have loved me over time. Most recently, a really big love. However, he only loved me on his terms, and I now recognize that. His love for me was really big, but he could not love me the way I wanted or deserved. This is why I ended up disappointed in him all the time and he spent more time apologizing and trying to make up for things than us building happy memories outside of my couch. I spoke to him recently and heard the love in his voice. However, I don’t think he is at a place where he has the understanding or capacity to love me the right way. He apologized recently and acknowledged his mistakes. But he hasn’t made any efforts to correct his behavior or make us work. 

Just because someone says they love you doesn't make it true or right. Just because you want to be loved doesn’t mean you should open your heart and accept whatever someone is willing to give. Many people are not ready or willing to love, but they will take yours willingly.They will either force you or allow you to pour into them, but they have little of quality to pour into you. By the time you look up, you are so enraptured in a person that you normalize the love you are not receiving. You prioritize being love-worthy material so much that you never realize how much you are starving for true love. Then, you begin to get upset with yourself for having such a wonderful man and still feeling unsatisfied. Raise your hand if you can relate. I know I can.

Moral of the story- listen to good friends when they talk to you about healthy love. Not everyone is out to sabotage what you have- many can see through the smokescreen you put up in front of yourself. Also, take time for honest self reflection. Not just revisiting what you want, but reevaluating what you currently have. This is the only way you will recognize intentions and reality. 

Til Then,

Lei

[blkproverbs]

But my thing is this though…

African American proverb, used to redirect a conversation’s focus from one fundamental point to another, usually of lesser value. (via blkproverbs)

[blkproverbs]

Talmboutsom

Also known as, “talking about some.“ Acts as verbal quotation marks when someone is repeating what another said (via blkproverbs)

[blkproverbs]

Got his nose WIDE open!

Said when someone is “in love” or has obvious, strong feelings for another person (via blkproverbs)

[lifeofoh]

Nikitha Cornwall

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

#Bae

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Friends- How Many Of Us Have Them?

Hey Y’all. I’ve got something to say. Wanna hear it? Here it go.

I’ve realized something about myself as I get older and traverse the lands of friendship and romance- I’m not always right, but I generally have folks’ best interest in mind. This particular post is about a friend of mine, however (in my Kelly Price voice). I have a friend that consistently prioritizes the needs and wants of the men she is interested in over logic and friendship. Granted, this has nothing to do with me except she calls to talk about it with me. I often hold my tongue but these men have a common trait- they have disrespected me in one way or another. She consistently finds a way to defend to them and their actions- insofar as much to infer that I did something worthy to deserve it. Analyzing the situation, I think she is an Alpha female who has to be the only one to get attention in the room unless she considers the other men unattractive or unworthy. I’ve seen it firsthand how she will allow an attractive man she does not know touch her in a provocative manner and how if no one is approaching her she will leave an event early. 

Anyways, again, none of this affects me (unless we rode together). Going back to the disrespectful men, some of them have disrespected me and others have disrespected their relationships or marriages (which she entertains because they feed her lines and compliment her a few times). The only reason I get involved is because she tells me about it and she wants me to either hang out with them or will use me as a scapegoat to hang with another man. I allowed it to happen twice. The third time, I told her about herself and she hasn’t spoken to me in about 5 days. I miss her, but I have to stand firm on my ideals.

I would never allow anyone to disrespect my friends, and if my friends noticed that someone was disrespecting me I know they would stand up for me. No question. Her fickle nature, depending on what man is involved and their level of involvement, doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t do well with ambiguity- especially when it comes to friendship and loyalty. I don’t call many people my friends, so when I find genuine people I latch on. Maybe too early.

Conclusion- I don’t think we can be friends in the same way we were. The other folks she surrounds herself with are all “yes-girls” and I’ve peeped that from the beginning. They don’t have her best interests in mind- these latchkey kids are hoping that if she snags a good man they can pick up her scraps if he has a friend/cousin/brother. They’ll encourage a particular kind of behavior because they don’t know themselves either. Listen, I’m no one’s mother. But don’t bring fuckshit into my space. Secondly, trust me enough that I’m not speaking from a place of jealousy or envy, but one that wants to see the best for you. Lastly, these niggas are fucknuggets. Plain and simple. You have to wade through the fucknuggets to find the gems. But this ain’t the way, sis. You literally do not have to bite every apple to find out which one is sweet. You may just get a worm

MESSAGE.

Anyways, I’ll holla.

Til Then,

-Lei

[julienbakerfavormp3-deactivated]

50 Books by Lesbian Writers of Colour

Novels/Short Stories

1. Chinelo Okparanta, Under the Udala Trees. 2. Shani Mootoo, Cereus Blooms at Night. 3. Alice Walker, The Color Purple. 4. Nalo Hopkinson, Falling in Love with Hominids. 5. Hiromo Goto, The Kappa Child. 6. Farzana Doctor, Stealing Nasreen. 7. Qiu Miaojin, Last Words from Montmartre. 8. Suniti Namjoshi, Feminist Fables. 9. Larissa Lai, Salt Fish Girl. 10. Makeda Silvera, The Heart Does Not Bend. 11. Jewelle L. Gomez, The Gilda Stories. 12. Olukemi Amala, Under an Emerald Sky. 13. Yvonne Fly Onakeme Etaghene, For Sizakele. 14. Rebecca Idris, The Sitar. 15. Emma Perez, Gulf Dreams. 16. Mala Kumar, The Paths of Marriage. 17. Achy Obejas, Memory Mambo. 18. Ann-Marie Macdonald - Fall On Your Knees.*** 19. Alicia Gaspar De Alba, Sor Juana’s Second Dream. 20. Carla Trujillo, What Night Brings. 21. Jackie Kay, Trumpet. 22. Paula Gunn Allen, The Woman Who Owned the Shadows. 23. LaShonda Katrice Barnett, Jam on the Vine. 24. Sheila Ortiz Taylor, Fautline: A Novel. 25. Nila Gupta - The Sherpa and Other Fictions. 26. Sky Lee, Disappearing Moon Cafe. 27. Cherry Muhanji, Her: A Novel. 28. Samar Habib, Rughum & Najda. 29. Terri de la Peña, Margins.

YA Fiction

30, Tamai Kobayashi, Prairie Ostrich. 31. Jacqueline Woodson, The House You Pass on the Way. 32. Nina Revoyr, The Necessary Hunger. 33. Malinda Lo, Ash. 34. Shamim Sarif, I Can’t Think Straight. 35. Sara Farizan, If You Could Be Mine.

Poetry/Memoir

36. Pat Parker, Movement in Black: The Collected Poetry of Pat Parker 37. Dionne Brand, No Language is Neutral. 38. Chrystos, Not Vanishing. 39. Alexis De Veaux, Yabo. 40. Cheryl Clarke, The Days of Good Looks: The Prose & Poetry of Cheryl Clarke 41. Connie Fife, Poems for a New World. 42. Chea Villanueva, Bulletproof Bitches. 43. Staceyann Chin, The Other Side of Paradise. 44. Cherrie Moraga, Loving in the War Years. 45. Beth Brant, Mohawk Trail.   46. Michelle Cliff, If I Could Write This in Fire. 47. Jeanne Córdova, When We Were Outlaws. 48. Kitty Tsui, The Words of a Woman Who Breathes Fire. 49. Gloria E. Anzaldúa, Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza. 50. Audre Lorde, Zami.

*if anyone is misidentified, please tell me and i’ll amend the list.

**always here for more suggestions including books by non-binary poc!

***ann-marie macdonald is half scottish-half lebanese.

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Love this List! Can’t wait to start reading!

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Back Up, Black Up!

Back up in here like ya mama’s nasty potato salad....

Hey everyone! Hope you missed me like I missed you. I’m really going to try and do a better job at updating this and use it how it was originally intended. So, let me update you on life quickly. I’ve met a number of good people and have developed a strong friend group, but I’ve been thinking that I need more. I finally joined a good church and am attempting to be active, but I keep having a nagging feeling that there are other interactions that I am missing. I tried to start a mixed-media group but.... well, niggas don’t read. Not only do niggas not read, they also don’t want to be apart of the planning process. Just wanna come after you’ve done all the work, put in their two cents and bounce. Sounds like niggas at family functions. Anyways, I think I may use this blog to start discussing the things I would have wanted to in the mixed media group. I’ll set themes for the month and try and post links to the text/album/movie if applicable. Some months, I may be able to do 2-3 related posts. Others, it may only be 1-2. I have to come up with a catchy name. Who knows- if this takes off, maybe I will expand it to WordPress and learn to code or something! #blackgirlscode

I think given the current state of affairs in our country and in the world, it is apropos that the first month be dedicated to “FREEDOM”. I know I want to dissect the lyrics of the Beyonce and Kendrick Lamar song as well as delve into a few passages in an Angela Davis book that I recently purchased called “Freedom Is A Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement”. Still looking for a documentary or interview clip. My goal is to be exposed to works of creatives of Color from around the world to hear/read/see different experiences and learn new perspectives. 

A couple things have happened to me relationship-wise and romantically that have made me reconsider how and what I spend my time and allow to occupy my thoughts. I have been pouring myself back into my spiritual walk, my creative side (candles and soaps), health (yoga and morning mile walks) as well as trying to keep my mind sharp and continuously learning. Hope this is a step in the right direction- again (for the millionth time) I can’t afford t wait n other folks.

On another note, I want to travel one more time in 2016 for fun. I don’t know if I’ll be going home to LA for Thanksgiving, but I’d like to do something else before then. Bahamas again? Or maybe another island. We’ll see!

Til Then,

-Lei

[blkproverbs]

Piss Poor

African American Proverb: A phase to describe something that’s inadequate  (via blackproverbs)

[anemic-love-deactivated20180905]

Happy Birthday Anika Noni Rose!!!

[chxrxy]

Also voice of Disney’s first black princess Tiana

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Happy Birthday!

[blackgirlshairrock]

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

If I ever leave you baby... you can say I told you so. And if I ever hurt you... you know I hurt myself as well.

Donny Hathaway, “I Love You More Than You’ll Ever Know”

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Bring It Back!

Greetings to all you friends, foes, and all hoes in between,

I’m back. I know it took a long time, but try not to dwell on the past. Anyways, I’ve officially been in Miami for a year and some change, and I believe that in many ways it has changed me for the better. I will always be an L.A. girl at heart, but living on my own in the Southeast has taught me much about life, human interactions, and deflecting the bullshit. 

I am experiencing growing pains in my life and career. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for all of my blessings and all that I have. I would not be here without the obvious grace of God and his mercy. Through him, I have traversed through tough situations, moral dilemmas, and heartbreak by faith. I have prioritized for the long run as opposed to the present like I used to. I have matured. BUT... I need something else. 

I’m not looking to move immediately, but I do want to begin updating my resume and perusing opportunities. I want to give it at least 1-1.5 years before I make an actual move.

On another note, I have begun getting to know a very nice young man. He is polite, kind, caring, considerate, passionate- all the things I asked for. I am hesitant about taking it further because I know that I want to start looking for another position in Higher Education. Damn career advancement...

Lastly, I cooked a GODDAMN FEAST for friends on Labor Day! Chile, lemme tell you how I threw down- fried catfish, greens with neck bones, St. Louis Style Ribs (4 slabs), grilled pork chops. Babaaaaay! A friend brought a bowl of Dirty Rice and another brought over Lemon Pepper wings. Niggas left FULL. That’s all that matters. Good friends, good food, and good drinks. Oh, and spades, Uno, and Taboo. And a bit of karaoke at the end. Lovely Holiday. you should stop by sometime.

Until Then,

Lei

[operationredeuxlifeoflei]

Transition Tales....

Y'all. So I haven't written since June, and I apologize. A lot has changed and happened since then, and I think it has changed me in the process. I've been living in Miami since mid-July, and to be honest I am quite lonely. I felt lonely at times back in LA, but this is different. I don't really know how to make friends because I don't know anyone or where like-minded people hang out. I'm not a clubber so that scene doesn't interest me. I have a friend that I work with, but she's engaged and living with her fiance. I don't want to take up too much of her time with my loneliness. There is a young man that I've been getting to know, but I think we have different ideas on respect, commitment, and walking the talk. I have been trying to get to know sorority sisters, but I'm a lot younger than many of them and it makes me feel a bit awkward at times. Also, I lost my grandmother at the end of September. I didn't realize how much she meant to me until she was gone. I had been afraid of getting that phone call for years now, but when I received it I felt like the floor was pulled out from underneath me. There are so many probate and estate issues back home that I can hardly deal. I nearly broke down at a prayer breakfast this morning because the emotions for her just hit me so strong and I wasn't ready for them. LAWWWD. I still have the courses to finish, as my focus has been elsewhere. Despite all this, I know God still has a plan for my life and is working things out upstairs. I just still feel lonely and wonder if I made the right decision coming all the way out here. I felt confident when I first arrived, but I wonder if that was simply fear masked as bravado. I can be good at that. Very Good. So convincing that I fool myself. I want to be full of faith, and trust and believe, but I wonder if I have fallen too far off the path to be brought back right. What if this life of mine can't be fixed? What if I can't be fixed? I know this sounds depressing, but I have to let it out somehow. If not to you, then who? I want to write more frequently express myself as I have been holding in many of my emotions with no real outlet. I know it's unhealthy, but my extremely busy schedule keeps me wearing the SBW mask while I sleep, too. I'm afraid that if I become vulnerable that I will break. I will simply break apart and have no one to help me put back the pieces because I have broken myself. Until Then, Lei