ophilia's blog?

this will probably be more of a shitposting page than anything but who knows

[ophiummm]

75 fucking hard let's try to be accountable grrrr

so basically my friends and i are starting 75 hard tomorrow. but i hate accountability and so because i do not only will be be like kinda vlogging on our instagram account, i'll also be writing 75 blogposts, along with the journal. but i like typing more than writing so this will be the journal while the planner is more of a "i like checking things off of my list and planning out my tasks."

we'll be starting 7/30/26. 75 days later will be 10/13/26. holy shit i might actually kill myself. jk dont do that. ugh that's such a long span of time.

this is aimed both at like... self-improvement and weight loss. current weight is like 145, i gained 2 pounds after my vacation which is killing me rn. my goal weight is like 125, like loose around 20 pounds. im happy with 125 tbh, might try to lose some more after that if i'm still not happy BUT i want to start feasible. i only expect to lose like 10 pounds in these 75 days tbh but end goal of weight loss is 20. i gained like 15 pounds no joke after freshman year of college. but it wasn't the freshman 15 it was the winter break 8 pounds and then some during the most stressful semester of my life because i went from walking in nyc everyday to bumming out at home and eating my grandma's cooking. rip.

anyways so here are my rules which are adapted to my lifestyle and serve as a challenge enough without me being unable to follo them:

exercise twice a day, one inside, one outside. i'm not really following the 45 minutes x2 format because it just doesn't work out for me and my internship, so i'll be exercising like an hour in the mornings and then walking home after i get off the subway (which takes me like about 30 minutes). sometimes i'll go to the gym after work but oftentimes i'm just so tired and i'd rather stop eating before nine which i can't do if i go to the gym after work. i'm not sure if i'll do this for like 7 days a week OR for like 6 days a week, but i know i'll be walking home everyday. my goal is 7 days a week but just to start i think i'll do six, make it slightly easier on me. will update if that changes tho.

drink 1 gallon of water every day. holy shit this is gonna so hard for me because i'm ngl i would typically just survive off of like at most 5 cups of water in a day. a gallon for me is about 16 cups. so yea i'm gonna abuse the fuck out of the work water dispenser these days.

diet!! so basically my workday is from 10AM-6:30PM and i have like an hour commute. and eating is quite literally like... the BIGGEST barrier to weight loss for me because i think eating, boba, like sweet drinks and snacks are like the joy of life. genuinely if i get depressed i get boba. or like fruit tea or food. i tend to stress eat or drink. food is truly the way into my heart bc i love food sm. im currently living with my aunt 'n her family so cooking food for myself isn't really possible, also i get back home (with the 30 minute walk) around like 8PM typically. anyways the diet is: intermittent fasting but from like 1pm-9pm. the only things i can consume during fasting time is either water, green tea, hojicha/mugicha, or black coffee but i hate black coffee anyways so. i'll be sticking to lunch and dinner with like small snacks like fruit or konjac jelly if i am still THAT hungry. i'll try calorie counting but i'll use my intermittent fasting app to help with that. i think 1000 calories a day, with a max of 1500. no fast food. no buldak. no snacking except for the aforementioned. bc i CANNOT give up boba, one boba (or boba adajcent drink) a week (unless it's the kale boost juice thing from heytea/luckin coffee). i can choose whichever day, but once i drink that one boba it's cooked. no more until the next week. also can only pick sugar levels at 70% or below even tho i already do that now.

read minimum 10 pages a day. they say to do nonfiction but lowk fuck that. i will be starting with a nonfiction book tho on the history of the US. my brother's taking APUSH this year so i wanna see if this book will help him.

i lowk hate progress photos so in lieu of that, i'll weigh myself every week. besides i think i'll be vlogging most of it (again, insta account) so that for me will count. if i don't vlog i take a progress pic.

personal rules!

sleep 8 hours a day! i think i'll hafta be waking up around 6AM or 6:30AM for the gym if i want to make it back home in time to go to work but this is something i've been striving for. i can taste those eight hours. if i can get to nine oohhhh that'd be nice.

take at least 9-10k steps a day. i usually average between 7.5k-8.5k so this will be a little more doable while still being a challenge. i think for the month i want to hit a 9k or more step average daily/weekly (even tho my phone is lowk ass at counting steps BUT will follow the health app steps) and then for the second 1.5 of a month i build that up to a 10k average (or more!)

NO DRINKING. this isn't a really big problem for me because i'm not a drinker, BUT my friends are and i like drinking with friends. the thing that's stopping me is that i have an hour long commute back home that turns into like 1.5 hours at night and i'm not doing that not sober. this becomes a problem in the school year. i think i'd pass on the drinking anyways because i'm a lightweight BUT i will give myself five cheat days for alcohol. i can use them like a get out of jail free card with no guilt, but if i pass that i just cannot drink until my 75 days are up. no continuous use of the drinking card, if i drink once i have to wait another week until i can drink again.

sleep by 10pm. this is a challenge for me bc i love staying up. again will take a steady build up to this behavior like steps. for first 0.5 of month one latest i sleep by is 1AM. then 12AM. i'll be miserable at the gym with these sleep hours which will motivate me to sleep earlier probs. once i hit like a week or two with a consistent bedtime i move up the time by 20 (after 12AM). so then like 11:30PM, 11PM, 10:30PM, until i hit that 10PM bedtime. idk what punishment to use if i don't do this but i'll figure one out

skincare and haircare!! i want to take care of myself more so every night i want to partake in extra skincare like a facemask and guasha. my haircare is typically for wash days but sometimes i don't maintain the perm when i should which oops. but i want to do this everyday. facemask at night but also skincare and perm maintenance in the mornings. sunscreen ALWAYS in the mornings! if i get home late though i will give this up in favor of more sleep. priorities!

wearing my retainers. so bad at this. i will improve. first week i just KNOW it'll be painful.

learning a new language! i picked up italian so i want to do like 10 minutes on duolingo, or like 2-3 lessons (or until my energy runs out because no i'm not buying super duolingo) everyday pls lmk if you find a better study app for italian.

blogpost/journal/vlog everyday. i have to do at LEAST one. even if it's just checking off a day in the journal. even if it's just a singular sentence on the blog, or a progress picture in lieu of a vlog, i have to do at least one of those things. i hate leaving things unfinished so i'll be able to catch but i cannot stop doing one. accountability.

START STUDYING FOR THE LSAT!! even if it's just for 10 minutes, doing problems and creating a mistakes book to understand the test better is SO MUCH better than doing nothing!

goals!

clean. oh my god i hate cleaning. but once a week i'll clean my living space. pick things up. trash the things i don't need. when i take out the trash (once a week) is when i'll clean. like swiffer the floors. i should get rid of the bathmat this week it's growing mildew i'm like 95% sure of that. kitchen cleaning as the school year starts.

as school starts up, i'll be busier. i want to study at least like 2 hours. do my homework as soon as possible. sit down and actually read the readings because i stopped doing that in semester two. study ONLY by myself. be ok with missing out on things in order to study and get better sleep so i can go to classes, fulfill my duties as a club member, and find/apply to internships. cook for myself bc i dont think i'm getting a meal plan via school. but still maintain my 75 hard.

be crafty, do things for myself. life doesn't revolve around replying quickly, being with friends. being alone is nice. i want a lower screentime. i want to write more. so i'll dedicate time to this. off screen time for crafts, on screen time but for writing, not doom-scrolling. i want to laze in the sun and read or craft, or just sit on the couch at night and do it. ensure that weekly game nights are a thing. baking cookies, etc.

bed is for sleeping/relaxing. try not to study in the room at all. associate it with winding down.

do makeup/accessorize almost everyday. i don't really do that but this will be a more when i start school thing because to be frank i'm quite content with no makeup.

dont stay inside for too long. go out and do things. volunteer. go explore. go to museums. sit in parks. don't lock myself in places that have no access to nature, actually go out and experience the world.

if i do these things i'll like start rewarding myself, like buying the clothes i want to wear, and such. buying flowers to cheer up the room. craft supplies. treat myself to a nice dinner with friends. but that will only happen with consistency.

wishing myself luck because holy shit looking back on this post i will need it. this became a manifestation post lowk. this is funny.

[ophiummm]

holy shit im getting lovejoy songs on the fyp and it’s bringing me back to when i was a high school freshman BUT i am a college student now. i’m about to be a sophomore and i’m violently ill bc i haven’t listened to wilbur since the news, that must’ve been like in 2022 or something but i remember loving lovejoy, watching wilbur, i translated their songs into chinese so i could talk about the lyrics to my chinese tutor, i had a purely lovejoy playlist that i’d play to work, to do anything, i think even now my #1 artist was lovejoy. feeling violently ill bc why is it so hard to be a good person bro. i fully believe lovejoy could have made it, if wilbur had not been such an awful person (or the other members). for now i will remain violently ill with nostalgia whenever lovejoy pops up bruh.

[ophiummm]

love letter to the lost - posting drafts for fun

I hate you.

I remember everything you've ever said to me. You know I'm the type of person to go back and read past messages. You know I'm sentimental. So why would you do this?

Why would you promise things you couldn't keep?

I forgave for the movies, for the failed dates. I forgave and forgave because we were, are, once, young, and in love, and kids. Because I loved you, so deeply, and I didn't care if it was just a "fling" or a "phase", because I knew for me, it was the deepest form of love I could understand. That I could know. You were everything to me, I gave you everything. I was saved because of you, your shining smile, your infinite kindness, your understanding, your jibes, everything about you saved me. Anything you did would bring a smile to my lips. Anything.

You were my love, my darling, my world, my sunshine. I gave you my heart, over and over and over again. I trusted you with it.

And you smashed it on the floor.

The worst part? I don't regret it. I would have done it again and again if it meant I would be with you forever. I would have watched you carve up my heart, filet it like a fish, throw it to the pigs, if it meant that at the end of the day, I would be with you. That we would fulfill our dreams together, live together, and die together.

Did you ever regret it? Did you? In your final moments, did you regret what you would do to me? Your family? Your friends?

How could you ever fathom the thoughts that crossed your accursed mind? I hate it. Why did you do it? I would have helped you. You should have told me I was putting pressure on you, because the last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt you, but I guess I still did.

You told me to be honest, and I was honest. I am honest. So why weren't you? Why were you the only fucking exception to every promise, every piece of advice you gave out? Did you feel as if you didn't deserve it? Did you think it was above you, somehow?

It's useless, asking you now. Not that you would give me a real answer anyways. I once appreciated you for your honesty, but now I realize that all you sprouted were lies. You were a wordsmith, you wove a beautiful web of intricate lies, a tapestry of fake promises, delayed times, and false apologies. Was anything about you true? Was your love for me even true? Did you struggle with your trust so much that you couldn't even trust that you loved me?

I envy that. That disconnection with the world. It must of made it easier, right? To force yourself into believing no one cared about you, when it was so obviously in your face. Everyone cared about you. Your kind, caring, giving soul made an impact on everyone. Why would you say otherwise? How could you believe otherwise?

I hate you. I hate you so much that I love you. I hate that I still love you. I hate that I told you I didn't want to live without you and you told me that you wouldn't ever leave me by choice and you still did.

Because if it were murder or disease I'd forgive you. But no.

You killed yourself.

Was it easy? The authorities said you decided to slit your wrists in a bathtub. If the blood loss didn't kill you, they assumed that you had hoped drowning would.

Oh, it did. It killed you. Either way, you're dead and I'm alive, so why would you care about what truly killed you in the end?

But I know you would. Because I know you like the back of my hand, I know you so painfully well that you would hound me for answers once I died. So here it is.

You passed out from the blood loss, and the drowning did you in. That's it. If there weren't water, you'd might still be alive, but you drowned in a mixture of your own water and blood. A sick sort of baptism into the afterlife. Were you thinking of that?

Because I remember you talking about it during sophomore year. Remember that? Remember? We were reading Foster's "How to Read Literature Like A Professor", and we got assigned that chapter. Do you remember?

Maybe you don't. Then again, I always seem to prioritize memorizing every single aspect of you rather than the quadratic formula, so I really can't blame you. But could you blame me? You were beautiful, a goddess reincarnate. Your beauty could topple an empire, your smile would melt even the coldest of hearts, your voice like an angelic choir, your laugh a lifeline in even the most tumultuous storms, your touch, soft as a cloud, ever so gentle, your hugs, grounding, reassuring, your kisses, revitalizing, almost akin to a Prince Charming's kiss, able to bring a princess back from the dead. I was just a mortal, just a fanatical worshipper, ready to sacrifice my life if you so wished. If you needed my blood, I'd slice my wrists to ensure you got enough and if you needed a body part I'd ask which one and cut it off and hand it to you and if you needed my undying loyalty I'd tell you that you already had it, that you never had to ask, that you had my undying loyalty, my undying love, my undying trust. That you had all of me, whatever you needed, whatever you wanted, whatever you desired.

In the end, it doesn't make so much of a difference, does it? Because you're dead, and I'm alive, and so tell me, my love, how does a lost man find his way back home when his home has already burned down?

[ophiummm]

message in a bottle, i hope you never read this. (reflection 10/11/25)

i think it's about time for a genuine reflection. it's been about a month (wow, just a month?) into college, and it's like everything i dreamt about and everything i didn't expect.

i need to start by laying this out in the open: i never thought i'd exactly have trouble finding friends. i was always somehow in a friendgroup, or floating there, whether i liked it or not. i would overshare to feel like a part of the group, and then close off. i didn't think i'd have trouble making friends, only keeping them. only trusting them. only still not feeling weirdly alone.

i attribute a lot of good things to people. i think that's why i still have such a good impression of people, despite the depressing readings, and my general mistrust of people in general. because i really do mistrust people. how can you not? you never know who's telling the truth. you never know who truly hates the other or who can't stand the other and i'm no good because i do the exact same thing. so because i do the exact same thing, people cannot be trusted because we're all just too damn similar if we really come down to it. so if i'm not optimistic, if i don't attribute these good things, where would i be? quite frankly, nowhere. i find it a waste of time to even begin to try and figure out all of these intricate things about humans. we can't be trusted, simple as that.

it's easier to be closed off than to open up at all. but then my boyfriend came along and gave me the gift of vulnerability. by no means is it perfect at all. in general, i think it's shaky at best. but i'm trying. i'm really trying. i try to forget about the fact that everyone could be lying to me. that you really think i'm a stupid fuck up that overshares, that procrastinates too much, that's too hypocritical, that doesn't take care of themselves enough, that's too rude, that's too pushy/bossy, that has a host of bad habits, that cares way too much that's it's nosey, that's too selfish, that's too much too little all at the same time.

who am i kidding? i often think that. i publish these rants on tumblr because i'm desperate for someone to notice, someone that's not my friends because really, i'm ok. somewhat. will be. getting there. eventually. but i know no one will look at these rants unless i share them, and so i'm comforted by the fact no one will see them.

i think i care too much for people who could not care for me at all, and that should scare me but honestly? it doesn't matter to me. love is like giving a knife to someone and tell them to have at it. if they really do hack at you, isn't it your fault for giving them the power to hurt you? so, in a way, it doesn't matter. none of this matters.

i'm terrified of being alone. but not just alone. invisible. hated. friends i can stand losing. not being seen and being hated by all is a nightmare i truly never want to live through. so much of my worth is literally based on how people perceive me though, so let's see how this goes.

however, this is a college reflection, so i must do some reflection whilst trying not to fall asleep at 4:39 AM.

truly, i am grateful for our little band of misfits that have somehow found their way together. do you know how hard it is for such a group of people to unite? very impossible. one misstep, one wrong move, and we could have been on opposite sides. not knowing each other. isn't that crazy to think? we've gotten so close to each other already, isn't that such a crazy feat to think about? i feel so close with this group of friends. i dread to see anything happen to them. hell, i'm staying up because i'm worried for them.

i think it's a one in a million chance that i ever got to meet these people. but it's a very likely chance that we might seperate in the near future. so my question is, do i let it happen like i've let all my friendgroups drift, or do i fight for them?

i think i'd fight. over and over again. even if it kills me in the end. if it means this remarkable group of extraordinary people stay together as lifelong friends, i'd do it again and again.

so thank you. this is my message that i'm sealing and hoping no one reads until it washes into someone's hands at the right time.

signing off,

phee

10.11.25 (4:46 AM)

[ophiummm]

angry crocodiles take over nyc - blogpost 9/6/25

i just finished my first week at NYU and I'm feeling pretty good? i'm not sure. i've found many friends, and i hope most of them are lifelong. i want to get out more and meet more people. i think i want more than i can ever chew. i just don't want to be shackled to my high school life, and yet i can't help but want to be connected with it. i already have at least 80 pages of reading. i'm tired. but i'm living life. i feel like a false person. i feel lonely. i feel homesick.

which is basically all the normal feelings during college, right? it's very normal here.

my ex-best friend from high school messaged. what do i feel about this? i'm not sure. i'm desperately checking my phone for notifications from her. she's not going to respond. such is the way of life.

she had a dream in which angry crocodiles take over nyc and wanted to check in. crocodiles aren't native to nyc. maybe she felt the nervousness ticking inside me. she was perceptive like that. freaky and otherworldly like that.

if the crocodile eats me do you think she'll text back?

no.

but that's ok. i have lot of friends here.

i think the angry crocodile is a metaphor of bitter loneliness. of regret. the angry crocodile will come if you ever feel sad and lonely and regretful. which i guess is what she could be but i'll never know.

i could never read you.

i need to stop getting obsessed with people with A names. this is getting out of hand.

first week of college and i'm already neck-deep into homework about american history and such and oh my god does american government and history make you so fucking depressed.

angry crocodiles take over nyc but not where i am. not where i am.

angry crocodiles show you the places of the people you regret.

and maybe the thing she regretted most was me.

(wow that was meta bruh)

signing off,

phee

9.6.25, 3:59 PM

[ophiummm]

december blogpost series: episode 4 (finale): this is actually January 1st

wow, it's been a year!

i made an intensive goal setting list for my AP Psychology homework, so honestly I just want to throw in what I couldn't say because I don't want to advertise my relationship to the public.

ALSO if you've texted me (cough cough) I can't respond because it COSTS money. RIPPPP.

Anyways, I really fucking love my boyfriend. He's sweet and kind and works oh-so hard, and I sincerely hope his hardwork these past few days pays off, and he is able to get into a good college he is proud of. In fact, I think it will happen.

But, I want to keep my relationship with him. I want to improve ourselves together, have deeper talks. I want to communicate with him a lot more. There hasn't been a lot of deep conversations going on, simply because we are lowkey very busy, but I want to start deep talks with him, so we are able to communicate on different levels and trust each other more.

I want to be able to learn and grow with him, making sure that I love him just the same everyday, no matter the trials and tribulations. I recall many older couples on a post or something saying that love is not a feeling, but a choice, and I hope I will be able to make this one everyday for the rest of my life. Currently I am able to. Maybe I won't be in another year. Maybe I will be. But for now, I will resolve to chose to love him everyday, despite his flaws and imperfections.

I want to learn things he loves, so we can have things to talk about. I want to own an apartment with him, so we can live together like we've always wanted. I selfishly wish we'll be able to go to the same college, or be in the same city. In the end, if it doesn't happen, I'm also happy if we are able to visit or stay together. Hopeful thinking, I know, especially for high school romance, but what's life without a little bit of hope? Certainly not very fun, I'm sure.

This year, I want to be able to vacation with him (finally). I want to treat him to the yummiest foods, bring him to visit anywhere he wishes, and most of all, just be there for him when the times get tough. I genuinely love my boyfriend so so much. He's one of the most treasured individuals in my life, and without him, I would not be where I am today. He's made the biggest and best impact on my life.

I want to marry this man. I want to be able to kiss him good morning and goodnight every day, to see, not just think of him as I fall asleep and wake up, kiss him anytime I want, match with him, be with him, and be able to be called his wife. Originally, I wanted nothing to do with marriage, nor kids, nor any sort of domestic life. Now, with him, it just feels like those dreams are a carrot on a stick, dangling in front of me, motivating me to move onto the next day. I'm not sure if another guy could make me feel that way. I hope not. But I'd go through any amount of stress and pain, as long as he is by my side.

I think I shall begin with a deep talk with New Years resolutions with him tomorrow. Perhaps something not too deep, but something that is thought-provoking and improving ourselves. I hope one day, I'll be able to call him my husband. In my mind and heart, he already is.

Happy 2025 (the best year!! i love years ending in 0s or 5s)! Signing off,

phee

1.1.2025, 12:36 AM

[ophiummm]

send this to all your favourite moots and roll a snowball! KEEP THE SNOWBALL ROLLING!❄️🤍❄️🤍❄️

my moots are all inactive... the snowball might have to stop here :pensive: :sob: :sob:

[ophiummm]

december blogpost series: episode 3: i jumped over the great firewall of china

yep you heard it here folks she's back in the motherland. i've been hardcore procrastinating because it feels so much like a vacation and i DO NOT want to do work. sadly i have ap lit and ap psych. could totally do ap psych really quickly though so there's not too much problems there. but it's the thought of doing them. i don't want to. bsfr

so i got like a 67 and 77 on my ap stats exams and my grades down to a 86... i'm totally ok. i'm fine. i'm fine. (i am not). and somehow i got a 76 on my intro to physics test?? i swear i knew the materials better tf?? but i got a 100% on my ap gov test and that's actually what really matters because i'm js taking intro to graduate and stats to have math in my schedule but DAMN is it hard. whoever said stats was easy i'm coming for you. actually suffering in this class and suffering everyone. i want my smart tall nerdy boyfriend to help me but he's applying to colleges rn so i cannot ask until he's all done. then, i can't ask for finals because his grades really do gotta be good to get into a good school. then i can ask. i just need to keep like at least Bs. so my B- in orchestra is very NO BUENO ORCHESTRA TEACHER PLSPLSPLS SPARE ME IM ABOUT TO DROP YOUR GODDAMN CLASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

anyways been in china for a bit, loving it, love china, love family, ikykyk BUT i miss my boyfriend :((( i miss my nerdy tall silly boyfriend i want him so badddd. see all these goddamn couples out in the malls where i'm shopping and losing my shit because I WANT MY BOYFRIEND UGH. HE'S SO ADORABLE AND ATTRACTIVE AND GOD I'D TOTALLY HIT IT (in like the flirty way not the abusive way guys). been hard but also I GOT FLOWERKNOWS MAKEUP UGH THEY'RE SO PRETTY BUT GUESS WHO'S PRETTIER?

MY BOYFRIEND. i have no good pictures of him but i promise he's cute and handsome and such a gentleman he's a silly bean. he's lowk like a modern gentlemen actually bro is lowk confused and living in the moment. anyways glad i jumped over the great firewall of china because YIPPEE i can talk to him without paying 10 cents per text because i really like talking a fuck ton and breaking the texts up for ✨dramatic effect✨ so yeahhhh

anyways i'll be unboxing the makeup on discord call later with him so yippee anyways it's time to eat homemade dumplings (amazing yum yum 🤤🤤🤤soo bye!

[ophiummm]

december blogpost series! episode 2: NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU

so this did not turn daily which oh well i dug myself into that hole lol

BUT GUESS WHAT AGED WELL

I FOUND OUT I GOT INTO NYU YESTERDAY SO YAYYYYYYYYY

UGH LOOK AT THAT SHINY ACCEPTANCE LETTER I'M ACTUALLY SO HAPPY!!!

if you read my last post no you did not and i TOLD you not believing in myself worked. the superstitions work!!

yes i am a superstitious person, but whatever makes me sleep at night right? anyways typing this up in school after drop a solid 85 on my intro to physics test because i can't physics. i also need to finish up my poster project for this but my partner is currently doing a test and i've done like 95% of the work bc they were sick which i don't mind but they need to be a part of it but once it's like 3:00 PM i'll probably start so we have a good 30 mins of work. i posted my acceptance letter on instagram and nyugallatin added me to their story so i'm also fangirling. nyc here i come i'm actually so happy but i'm also getting a lot of FOMO because i lowk have to pretend nyu is #1 but it's actually #2 i wanted wellesley but i didn't think i'd get in (and i didn't think i'd get into nyu so yeahhhh) BUT BUT BUT i'm still really happy for nyu because i really really really loved this program and it's a good fit for me, so personally i am very happy for myself. there is a little bit for FOMO for wellesley green class of '29. not too much though because i like purple and violets better anyways. class of '29 here we go!!! (i hateeeeee my new graduating class # it's SO bad 2025 BEST YEAR)

wow i look illiterate then i promise i'm actually REALLY LITERATE

good thing about going to nyu is that i feel confident enough to actually participate in the annual college talk the nonprofit i'm part of hosts (technically i'm doing the hosting, i inherited the organizing and hosting in freshman year so this will be my 4th and last year eee!) and i can actually talk real stuff!!! i'm proud of myself and i hope i'll be able to reassure some kiddos that they can get into college!! very happy

sad part is that my boyfriend (AZ if ur a real one) got deferred from princeton (if ur a princeton person reading this... if anyone ever does, hmu pls pls pls i want to help him get in real badddd). ik a lot of hs couples don't make it out but us two hope we will, and we're trying... </3 it would have been easier on us if we both got in... but it's ok!! there's a chance... but apparently a LOT of people are applying nyu so it's getting harder now so ahhh. he will get into a good college though i'm 100% sure, because he's super smart and sweet. he will and has done many good things!! but it's a little more pressure on him now. i thought i'd feel happy with no more pressure but now i'm feeling pressure for him!!! this is not very good. oopsies. it's also now 3:07 pm and i'm not working on the poster so also oopsies.

i gotta send out notifs to the wattpad fam omg i've been on there for so long lol and like i definitely need to let them know. additionally my teachers... i need to let them know a lot... like omg this is crazy stuff crazy crazy.

it feels unreal that i'm grown up. i still feel like a kid, but i'm graduating this year. i'm actually going to college. this feels unreal and insane and i'm just going crazy. maybe i wake up and it'll all be over. the acceptance will be rescinded. it just seems so much like a dream. it's like it's still 2020 and i'm in online school and i'm 12 and it's 7th grade and i still actually don't like my boyfriend because he's a math nerd!!! but i am 17 and completely in love with my boyfriend and it's 2024 and i'm a senior, and i'm not in online school, i'm in high school!!! it's unreal. the world spins and works in mysterious and unimaginable ways. i'm excited to see where it takes me next. i hope i have some control of it. i hope i do well. but only time will tell. my partner is done now so imma go help her with 9 minutes left in class yippee!!!

signing off!

phee

12.13.24, 3:22 PM

[beardedmrbean]

[theman]

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

[tattooedzombigirl]

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

[imanutcase-10]

Then bring me luck

[thirddeadlysin]

the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work

[pitstop-piastri]

Need all the luck I can get

[ophiummm]

will post a blogpost soon but pls luck :3

[ophiummm]

december daily blogpost series! episode 1: the time crunch starts...

totally am going to bomb my ap gov test tomorrow.

anyways i joined a challenge on habitica (habit tracker typa app that gamifies productivity/life, it's great, check it out) w/writing and blogposts because i wanted to get back into the groove, so here i am.

i will not be writing a review of life up until now as of now, because I am currently in desperate need of sleep, so i will provide minimal update of day.

it was kind of the same, people are getting more stressed and depressed---i am getting more stressed and depressed. i really just want nyu to accept me so my college search will be done for good, but i know it's such a long shot. i'm definitely not getting in, but my stupid brain, influenced by all the people who've said "you'll totally get into nyu!" have tricked me into thinking i'm going to be accepted and imagining scenarios there and we all know how that ended up (carleton summer program i will never forgive you). so i want to sincerely believe i won't get in (because reality hits, and yeah i won't) but my heart and brain are pre-maturely celebrating. life hurts man. anyways, tried and failed to not fall asleep in class, winter break is in 3 weeks, 16 more days to go! 16 more days, minus the weekends (4 of them!) is actually 12 more days so 12 more days of school!

11 more days until decisions come out... eek

so much stuff is happening, my winter glow concert is coming and oh my god i want to drop out but in the end i won't because i really want that 4 years. but i have no time to practice so i'm lowk cooked. then i have swim, which takes like 2-4 hours out of my day depending on what day it is. i try to do homework early. try to go to sleep before 1, or even better 12-12:30. not tonight. too much stuff. tests are coming up, finals after winter break... life isn't fair right now but it's ok, it'll pass soon, and we'll be able to rejuvenate in the confines of our toasty homes, or in the cold embrace of the snowy outdoors.

i really need sleep now, so i'm going to bed now. the time crunch will be past. i will have a goodnight's of sleep and productive days ahead. nighty night!

(do re mi fa soooo laaaaa tiiiiiiiiiiii dooooooooooooooo!)

warmly signing off,

ophilia

(12.4.24, 12:40 AM)

[ophiummm]

story idea: the invincible life of *insert character name here*

first chapter is literally the person being gifted with their immortality powers after their friend dies LOL

and so to battle with the grief they set out with their new found immortality to do all the things they and their friend wanted to do before they died

sad slice of life grief management feel good sort of romance hallucinations

basically they hallucinate that their friend is still there with them at times, and they can't let go

story ends when they let go and attempt to live for themselves or smth

[ophiummm]

poems abt wheat

in elementary school i'd pick the wheat stalks in our school yard

i'd say, "this is what flour comes from!"

and we'd mash and grind it on the stone chairs,

scraping the tips of our fingers and our nails

never getting the flour

i'd put the wheat stalk in my mouth

hitch up my pants

and turn and say

"howdy partner!" in a god-awful cowboy accent

she never laughed but

the corners of her lips would turn up

i liked to put wheat stalks in my mouth

it wasn't to exactly act as a cowboy

it was just to feel like i was part of something bigger

remember those magic potions we'd make on the stone benches of our school?

remember them?

with the acorns and the bark chips and the little knickknacks of nature we found on the ground

and how we would grind it up into small chunks

running it back and forth on that stone bench?

god, we brushed it on our faces

called it blush

accidentally almost incited an allergic reaction out of a girl because of her nut allergy

acorns were the key to everything, our imaginations far and wide

and yet

why did we feel the need to turn it all into makeup?

the wheat is golden

this wheat is yellow

it's not the same anymore

[ophiummm]

oops

god i love him

i think i love him because i can't bear the thought of us not working out

because it seems so real

and im scared one of us will fall out of love

because thats

just

how

it

ends

but it's ok

it's all fine

because i love him

and he loves me

and that's all we need right now

because one year is barely time in our world, one year is barely time at all, and i see that both reflected in our love

and i'm scared of what others will think

"the pda couple", "the simps"

why am i scared of what other will think of us?

oh right. i don't even know why.

if i could let go of societal expectations, i think i'd be happier.

but that's just the 12 AM brain talking, isn't it.

how silly.

i'd give the world to him and every last bit of myself. he is mine and mine only and it feels so nice. he is my reason. my light. he guides me to the end of the tunnel, holding my hand and leading me on.

o, what a wonderous life, living with my boyfriend like this.

[ophiummm]

2/7/24 blogpost: i wish i could disappear into water vapor.

I hate myself so much.

It's almost sickening how deep I am in this tunnel---how close I am to falling off that cliff. I still have math homework to do. I have so much to do but I just can't do it.

The only joy I can feel is when I'm around my friends. And yet I don't even know if they hate me too. If they hate something I say or my mannerisms. I want to be hated but I also want to be loved. And I can't decide which one I'm getting, but it's definitely not both.

And I think, the only thing I want to do, is shed any source of autonomy I have over my mind, to give it all up for a life of mindless servitude to my friends, to my loved ones. Because either way, I'm dumb as a rock. Resources are quite literally being wasted on me. I'm, quite frankly, unmotivated, and I don't understand half of what is being shoved on me. I'd rather someone with true drive take my place, my privilege.

I'll do anything that is asked of me. Washing, cleaning, cooking. Sure, they're work, but really, at this point, I live to serve, and I cannot solve my problems by solving them anymore and I need an escape.

I found out my friend has leukemia, and it scares me. I don't want her to die. She's only fucking 16. She's lonely and all I can think about is helping her, but I think I'm doing more harm, and at this point I'm not even sure anymore. I'm the unreliable narrator in this story.

I think everyone around me can't stand me. I can't understand why I know, but I know. In a way, at least.

It's like how I can't feel my breath going in my body, my body is almost rejecting the breath, and I want to cry because isn't this normal, and isn't this just how it's always been and everyone's been telling me the same but it's not. To me it's not. It's never been, and I will stand by that.

I just want to run and have my problems be solved because they're gone and I'm gone. My head is a constant pounding mess, my heart is being torn into shreds, and I think the only way is if I just give.

I need to give everything. I need to give everything to have nothing and I need to give everything because I have to, and that's my sole purpose. I hate people not liking me and the only thing I know how to do is give, and people like giving right?

I just can't give the right stuff.

I can't

do

shit.

I'm a fucking failure.

I'm so scared that I'm not gonna get into any "good" colleges. That I'll have to do long distance, and that maybe I won't have to but I'll have to live with the idea that I held him back from that prestigious school, and I'll hate myself, the community, the school, the world, himself, will hate me because I'm just a stupid good for nothing that really amount for nothing.

I feel like I don't deserve any of the recognition or rewards given to me. I feel like it's not real, it's a scam, and everything is just. Nothing. Why couldn't I be a bit smarter? Or did more stuff when I was younger? What was wrong with me? What is still wrong with me.

I can't do this anymore. He was right, my mental health is taking a dive.

A dive and I can't control it. I need a break but I can't have one. I may implode from all the thoughts and stress and heck, I can't even do that. Death is an escape but I can't brave that door just yet.

Cowardice or Courage keeps me from opening that possibility. I can't decide yet.

(it's almost 1 AM and I still have 50 problems left to do)

signing off,

phee

2.7.24, 12:41 AM

[ophiummm]

joke me and my friend made today

no one:

english majors: i want an apology letter, 10 pages, MLA formatted, font size 12, font Time New Roman, double-spaced, handwritten, turned in on my desk by 11:59PM. This is your culminating final grade regarding your "Friendship With Me" class. It is worth 100% of your grade. There is no coming back from this.

[ophiummm]

"And Yet"

My son Josh always asks me why I keep writing stories. He knows I'm a writer. He's only 8 right now, but he's 8 and he looks at me and asks me what I'm writing. I don't have the exact heart to say that I'm not writing.

I haven't been, for a long time. I've been just staring at the computer the entire time, doing nothing for almost an hour, after I get most of my own work done---which is never done but I do enough of it---just staring at that computer screen, typing a few words, then furiously backspacing.

Of course, there were some gaps where I could fill in the time with writing, but what they don't tell you about adulthood is that you'll never have enough time. When you're younger, that's when you have the most time because there's not one ounce of pressure, since your parents already shoulder all of that, and so all of that time slowly gets taken away as you grow up and then you find out you're into your late 30s with nothing but a crappy job that barely pays the bills and no motivation whatsoever anymore to write because all you can think about is Wow, I'll have more work left after this, I'll have to do this. I'll have to do that.

I stare at my computer screen, wanting to remember. If I could give my son the right answer, it'd be something stupid inspirational. Something like: "Of course, there's stories everywhere! I just pick them out and write them."

Kids are awfully perceptive though, so Josh would just look at me, and push his newest idea: A book based solely on Tetris moves. Or maybe Battle Cats lore. Or to join game night.

"You're sad mommy." He'd say. "You need a break."

And I'd laugh because I've never felt like I've have had a proper break since high school and I'll pat his head all like, "Oh, you'll see honey," and then leave with him into the kitchen where my husband and our other kids would be. Life would continue on and I'd ignore Josh's weird looks from the dinner table. Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for.

It's been a long while since I ever finished a story. I have millions of them in my Google Documents, on Tumblr, notebooks, but I just can't seem to find them. Find the ending, that is. Every time I try to write an ending it doesn't fit. It's almost comedic how it works.

The problem is, I can't let go of what could have been. Maybe if I had dedicated more time to this, more time to that, I would have gotten better. Better at what, I don't know. I just know that it could have happened. And maybe that's the carrot on the stick dangling in front of me. The could have rather than the have.

At this point, there really isn't any point in living life. The world continues spinning even when you don't. Life's just one big would you rather game, and the questions just keep on coming and keep on going. And yet I still keep coming back here.

Those days are already over, and yet I can't stop thinking about them. I keep orbiting around it, keep spinning, like the Earth around the sun, and the world keeps on going but only difference between the Earth and I is that if I stop spinning the Earth still spins. If the Earth stops spinning, well. That's not a good thing.

I'm at the dinner table but I'm not eating. Not really, at least. Like I'm getting all my nutrients, but there's really no point in me eating because eating really wastes time but what doesn't waste time?

I told this all to my husband. All I got was a weird look and more food shoveled on my plate, but I don't need food. Just like I don't need a roof under my head, just something to write with.

Maybe also clear skies though.

No one gets it though. No one except maybe her. But she's miles away, and I'm not even sure if she remembers me anymore, since it's been over 10 years since I last saw her.

But it was real. All of it was real, the friendship, the talking, the honesty, the love, the laughs. It was real. She was real. She knew the cards, knew how the game went. Nobody else got the score as much as she did. Sure, the entire class was close, but we were something different. We were one. Like two bees in a hive, working alongside each other except we had the same job and could actually relate, our connection was that good.

I haven't been able to get anything quite like her in a long time. No one gets it anymore. Nobody except her.

And I'm talking like I'm in love with her or something but I'm really not. Never been, not when Biology Bitch asked her out. Still. What did Biology Bitch have that I didn't? It was the last week, for fucks sake, and all she did was hang out with Biology Bitch. It was Biology Bitch this, Biology Bitch that, and god I was so fucking tired of him. He trash talked our program. Like a bloody asshole. Which is really what he is.

It was never a love story but it was a love story. A story of love between two friends, of how one connection could happen so quickly. She was never going to compete with my husband, or my kids, like I was never going to compete with Biology Bitch, but I guess she did and I did and yet the world keeps spinning.

"What are you thinking about again, mommy?" Josh asked. We're now getting ready to bed, and per custom, I tuck in the children first, and he comes around to give them a goodnight kiss. I continue running my hand through his hair, which is just like his fathers, raven-black, slightly fluffy, and unruly. Josh barely looks like me. At first, as he was our first child, I was miffed, but as he grew, I also grew to appreciate the uncanniness between them. Even when our second son turned out to somehow be like his twin, even though they were 2 years apart. It was like seeing my husband in a younger form.

"Nothing." I replied. "Nothing at all."

Josh frowned. "Well you have to be thinking of something. Everyone's thinking all the time."

"You've never heard of the term, head empty, no thoughts?" I teased, ruffling his hair.

"I have." Josh said, "But mommy, you don't look just like head empty no thoughts. You look like you're trying to disguise your thoughts and shove them into a clown car."

I laughed. "Really now?"

"Yeah. How do clown cars fit so many people? How does that work?"

"You should ask daddy about that."

"Yeah, I will."

The conversation ebbed away, and I found myself struggling to say more to my child. I never was able to find the right words to say. I would always think of a better response an hour later, far too late to add to any conversation. I wondered why I was like this.

I mean, there really wasn't any point in continuing a conversation. It was like kicking a dead horse. Except I can't stop kicking the dead horse. I don't kick the horse when you're supposed to kick it to death, I kick it when it's already dead, when there's no more point in kicking it besides the carnal enjoyment you get from kicking something and watching the body move with the force of your kicks and yet. And yet. I can't stop kicking the damn horse.

I guess at one point it's just what's wrong with me. Hell, if only I knew. Everyday I keep on replaying my past like a record player, speeding up, going back. I've gone back till Preschool, because if I didn't run into that dumb kid and made him lose his tooth then maybe I wouldn't have been sent to the back of the line. Maybe if I didn't lose my cool in 4th grade, I wouldn't have said that I wanted to stab everyone in the class. Maybe if I didn't read in class I would have gotten the material. Or made a fool of myself in class. God, every single time I think of it it makes me sick and the problem is I could see so many other ways to do it over again. So many ways to actually make it better. Because maybe if I tried hard enough, I wouldn't be like this. Maybe if I applied myself enough, it wouldn't be like this.

And yet. Here I am again, in the shower, letting the water glide across my skin. Wondering. Wondering. Wondering. At one point my husband joins me, but I don't seem to catch exactly what he's saying. It's all jumble. I don't understand, I only hear his voice, the expressiveness, the monotone. I look at him but I'm not exactly looking at him, and his looks just glide past me like lemonade being poured into a glass.

♫♫♩♩♩♪♩♩𝄽♪♩♪♩♪♪𝄽♩♪♩♩♩♩♩♫♩? He asked.

Yeah. It's been going. I replied. He puts a hand on my shoulder, his eyes furrowing in concern.

♩♪♩♩♩♩♩♫♩'♫♪♩♪𝄽♩♫♪♪♪♩♪𝄽♩♫♫♫♪♩♪♩♩♪♩. He sighed, rubbing shampoo into his hair. ♫♫♪𝄽♩♫♫♪♪♩♪♪𝄽♪♩♩♪♩♪♩♩♩♫♫♫♩♪♩♩♪𝄽♫𝄽♩♪♩♪♪♩♩♪𝄽♩♫♩♩♩?

No. Promise, I'm fine. I put my head under the showerhead, letting the water cascade down my face, the world turning black. I step out, opening my eyes. I see my husband, and yet I also see the white tile of the bathroom, the bottles of body wash, bubble bath solution, shampoo, conditioner, and facial washes behind him. I can see the transparent glass. I can see everything. He is my everything.

He nodded, pulling me in an embrace. Soap suds run down our bodies. I can barely feel them. I feel like I'm floating, like I'm just flying out of his arms, flying far far away from this life.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my life. I love where it's gone and where's it's going. And yet. And yet. I want more. I wanted to explore, I didn't want to stay in this sad space, watching the world spin without me. I want to be able spin all around without a worry, orbiting just like the Earth. I'd be happier then. I just know it.

♫𝄽♪♩♪♪♩♩♩♫♪♩♪𝄽♩♪♩♩♩♩♩♫♩, ♩♪♩♩♩♩♩♫♩𝄽♩♪♩♩♪♩♩♩♪♩♩𝄽♩♫♫♪♩♩, ♪♩♪♫♩♩♪♫♫♩? He murmurs in my shoulder. I wonder how he hasn't eaten any soap suds yet.

I know. I do too. I said. This seems to please him, as he smiles and pops a kiss on my cheek. We switch places, letting him rinse off, and we both exit the bathroom, changing and going to our bed.

He always falls asleep quickly. He's always exhausted. I can't seem to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. His breathing fills the room, but my thoughts shove the breathing from my mind, hovering above my bed. I look up, waving my hand through the mist.

"Go away." I mutter. Go away. I said again.

I still haven't made any sense of this. It's only at night, only when my husband is asleep. It's the only time when the thoughts come out, floating out of my head in a trail of fine silver mist. They pool around my face, and this is where I think constantly. I can pull time back, see my memories, pull forward. It's mine to command. And yet.

It's not mine to control. Sometimes they have a mind of their own, pulling me instead of the other way around, pulling me into the mist, until I'm the mist, and I'm looking at my husband like I'm a ghost, and I float to my children's rooms, phasing through walls, and eventually I float out of my house, down the street, as the street changes, spinning around like the world does. And yet.

I still can't spin. I can only go in linear patterns, and the most is a 90 degree turn. It never lets me move in circles, never lets me spin like the Earth, never let me orbit within the Earth. I wonder what would happen if I did. Maybe I'll just get bored with it and move on later. Either way, I'll never know.