OREOS too SWEET

Black DID system and RAMCOA survivor using this to document our passage to healing

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Oreos Too Sweet: A Public Documentation

Welcome to Oreos Too Sweet

This blog intends to talk daily about our experience and daily lives as a Black RAMCOA/OEA survivor. We have been trafficked, physically, sexually and emotionally abused in a cult. We were also programmed to be complicit and participate in military plans for a white supremecist group. This blog will also just talk about our experiences with DID in general.

Ran by a Polyfragmented DID system, fronters may or may not distinguish themselves

You may ask questions, and if they aren't too personal (i.e. location, anything we may find too detailed that could reveal the people or location(s) involved) we will answer them

Blog will be a mixture of HEAVY TOPICS and SERIOUS/MUNDANE topics alongside VENTS; might have some lighthearted stuff inbetween but please stay safe and curate your own experience.

WE ARE AN ADULT. MINORS WON'T BE TALKED TO/INTERACTED WITH. MINORS, DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS BLOG NOR THE CONTENT OF THE BLOG.

ALTERS:

Will be kept anonymous/have fake names.

"🔪" or "Twice" (He/Him)

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Your trauma being isolated from your immediate family/friends doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Our perpetrators were adjacent to a church we went to. This all happened every single week- sometimes they even came to our schools when the weekend wasn't enough. Certain kids were sought out in the church, put onto a bus and brought out to do their rituals. I happened to be one of those kids.

We have 3 bio brothers. Love them to death, and still do. They weren't included in anything, but they were used as leverage. Tell anyone, let it slip, and they would be added to the hell I faced for years.

I suspect now that it was the emotional blackmail that led to us to dissociate and only remember the good times until recent years. I also recognize they thought having my 3 siblings out of their practices made my story sound fake or outlandish to an average adult- because wouldn't EVERY kid in the family be involved? Hell, one of them even broke into my house undetected. But it sounds fake to a parent when I wrote that down for our school's writing assignment, because kids will make those things up. I got an ear full from my parents for making up a fake story that terrifying and sharing that with a class.

But that's what they do. They isolate you so you sound like a wild, imaginative child to everyone else. This is why it's so important to know: you are not lying to yourself. Memories can be distorted by others, or might present differently to protect yourself, but never actually made out of thin air. You cannot just make up memories for the sake of it. Ever. False memory syndrome is a lie from the pits of hell.

You are not crazy. Your story is not made up, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

🔪 (he/him)

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CW: Depersonalization, derealization

In this world, I derealize constantly.

it's not an "if" or "sometimes" it's an always. I can count on one finger how many times my reactions felt real. When I could tell that my input was valued, that the air blowing in my face was truly cold and not some sick simulation. Even now, I can write all about derealization. But I know it's still there. The world doesn't feel real just because I acknowledge it is. The sky isn't blue to me just because it's the middle of the day. It's like looking through a clouded lens. Everything is stuck in a sickly gray.

Sometimes I wonder if this world is one we are meant to have. God has said our bodies are temporary. It doesn't feel real. I am out of this body. I look down on this world and I laugh, cry, and turn stone-faced through its victories and losses. I know this life is not my own through every motion.

Such a beautiful world that I'll never really grasp. Every sense is warped, because I am barely a person. And I do not deserve to grasp this world. I am burdened to live with it being just out of the reach of my understanding.

"🔪" (sign-off)