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He was lying down by your side in the middle of the night in your bed. Brooding over the presentation and his thesis work. He just arrived a few minutes ago, with a fast food meal that he intended to eat once you guys both wake up.
“Hmm?” His tiresome voice was alluring. But you know how tired he must be from the work that just finished as soon as the clock pointed midnight.
“Can’t sleep?”
“That’s why I’m here.”
You rose up and placed your head to his chest, where he cupped your body close to him.
“You have class first thing in the morning.”
“I know. Something that I can’t miss especially after today, we’re going to present. The remaining logs are to be arranged, and I couldn’t thank you guys enough for doing your part despite the time and short notice. Thank you too. For being there, and explaining what happened at the office.”
“It’s nothing. They bit it. And they are hoping that I won’t be fired.” Playing circles on his shirt, and looking up to the ceiling. He placed a peck to your head, and brushed his hand on your hair.
“Good, that’s settled. I can’t wait for them to find out.”
“You’re making a fool out of them for your entertainment.”
“You’re having fun with it.”
“I cannot perceive if you’re looking at me because you are trying to communicate with me with our language or serious enough to pin me down.”
He chuckled. “With regards to people we work with, I just think the right people just have to come. Because sometimes, people lack perseverance these days. That things shall bear fruit with hard work and dedication.”
“Then that’s a good perspective that I think our co-workers have.”
“Do you think it’s enough?”
“You are doing your best as a facilitator.”
“I may not be around all the time though, which brings me to this notion that they think I’m a bad person.”
“To be honest, you’ve been there for us in every situation we face and always there to aid us. You even helped several of them despite what they think about you and they kept thanking you on your way to the parking lot last Sunday. Think about that. And especially to me, which I don’t understand, why would you let your faculty member refuse on his assigned job and let you be my assistant for class?”
“I may have altered some scheduling which I think… suited for my evaluation with you as a new employee. Which eventually brings us to this.”
“You have been abusing your power since the start of time? Dr. Lee. You should be called for that… oh my God. I’m going to tell the authorities!”
“Ooh, that’s scary I can’t sleep because of it!” Sarcastically he sounds and you slapped him to stop. “But, he’ll be with you during the accreditation for two weeks because he was the one filed for that position originally.”
“Good. No winks and sweet nothings for a week.”
“Two. Wait until then.”
Facing one another, you kissed his lips and sat on his stomach. Where he held your hands trying to pull you back to him.
“Did I tell you to remove your shirt?”
He whined. “It’s 3 am. Can you do it for me? And… I’ll go back home to take a shower. Just want to be with you in this… ungodly hour. ”
“Mhhm. No problem...” Removing his glasses on and unbuttoning it slowly, breathing in slowly as he slowly rises up to turn of the lampshade and gave you a soft kiss. “...Doctor.”
“Professor?” Almost a whisper.
“Do you want to be late for class?”
“Do you want a punishment for shouting at me last Sunday?”
“Seems as if you do want to be. And does it have to be a punishment, if you shout my name most of the time?”
“That’s different. But for as long as it’s a valid reason, then yes. Both circumstance.”
“Do they have a slip for being late in class because of… playing around?”
“Maybe, we’ll have to find out.”
“Then… I shall be punished.”
He grabbed your head and rolled over to lay you down, and stared for a moment before colliding with your lips. The taste of the last thing he ate filled your tongue, something recognizable, yet warm. And that warmth not only filled your mouth but your quivering body wanting for more. Your legs wrapped in his body, whimply clinging all together before him. His touch caressed your skin carefully as glass, and his grip expressed otherwise, making you frail.
What else? What else, leaving you clueless and unable to predict with the urge uprising from his body language. Yet there’s one sure thing: his ravishness that couldn’t wait to satisfy one another with the love he bears for you, and only you.
“You’re so beautiful.” Almost like a curse, and devotion.
His hand moved closer to where it longed it, repetitively, and slowly. Rough and slow, and until it becomes soaked and unending. And not knowing to where you have to place your hands, you went for his head as it was in front where it wanted to be, tangling to his scalp and getting a hold of his hair as his tongue run circles and different directions.
“Please..”
His tone wasn’t sweet, rather, it was amorous.
“Beg for me.”
“Please...”
“Louder.”
“Jinki, please.”
“Louder!”
And when he couldn’t hold it in with your voice, he placed your legs to his shoulder and you felt whole when he slowly unravels you. You could see how his grip marked your skin like a tattoo, and he held your face while he hungrily kisses you.
You could feel both of your legs rattle, and he placed his mark under your collarbone and stared at your reaction if you would refuse. You didn’t bother thereafter if it ached, because it meant that you’re his now.
And he is yours.
The signature bite of his lips appeared, drips of sweat shared while fixing his hair almost covering his eyes, and his smirk crumbling every perception of innocence.
It is him, in front of you, longing for you to shout only and only his name. But only one word lets it all out from his enticing voice.
University AU Bonus: You told me, and so I did it.
Arriving to the office, your co-faculty members were waiting for you to the mass at the university chapel.
Not much people attended as you went, but you recognize faces from the board members who greeted you. The families of known organizations, fraternities and sororities were also there looking preppy and keeping their cool down. Nothing is new, except they are all trying to mingle with anyone as if it was a social party.
It didn’t matter afterwards, while your eyes traveled to see if you missed anyone, you saw Taemin wave at you and yanking Jinki’s waist in one of the rows.
You shook your head, yet the guy persisted. Jinki then looked at you, waved as well with a quick wink, and sat down to place his attention throughout the mass.
Until… bzzt.
J: Hey. You didn’t tell me you’re attending.
You: Faculty members asked me to come and eat with them before coming to work.
J: Ah, mkay. I’ll be with Taemin before work then.
You: Good. Don’t worry.
J: Don’t worry too.
You: Why should we? Now listen to the sermon, will you?
J: Hahaha, have fun and see you later.
Later that day, you didn’t have time to even see one another.
Running to the documents room, back and forth to the his office with your faculty for the records and answering concerns occupied your time.
Even seeing a seat in front of you sunken the energy you need to surpass that day.
For the reason that this task was imperative in terms of your upcoming accreditation next term. Dr. Lee, a.k.a Jinki told you a lot about how this works, and technically it’s just like the other events you have collaborated with the society.
Except it’s for the reputation of the said college with the mass.
Hours pass by and finally you sat on your office chair after being told to do the presentation. From there, you felt your energy sink as your coworkers started sighing one by one.
They all laid back, and you were all half way done to your assigned jobs which will not be finished in the estimated time you intended to be at work in a holiday. It was okay though, except, they might have plans later on during the evening that is fast approaching.
“You guys good?” you asked them one by one.
“I’m exhausted! I thought we would be done in no time.” Your seatmate replied, while drinking water and fighting a cold.
“I didn’t expect it to be like this.” Another responded.
“Backlogs are the worst.”
One from the back protested and they mumbled their agreement. Yet since they have no choice, they all dug in again to try finishing it in time.
Meanwhile, your phone vibrated and interrupted you from reading the notes that would be presented by Wednesday.
It was him.
J:Come to my office.
Says the notification. Did he hear your whining? You don’t recall that he can, yet judging from his message, he might have. But that was random, especially you have no clue if this is about you both or work.
You: I’m doing my work. You can tell me through message instead.
J: It’s about the presentation.
Granted that it’s about work, then that pushes off any business related to your relationship.
You: Uh… you can tell me anything through message. But… in a few minutes. I’ll be there.
And when you heard his message tone, you heard footsteps rushing to the door and a loud monotonous voice announced his message. “I need Professor _________, in my office now! Tell ___ to bring ___ laptop and things inside. We have an important discussion to make, it’s urgent.”
You almost spit out the tea you were drinking, and they all stared at you in fear of what might happen once you enter that room.
“Professor… you should… go. I think he’s pretty mad. Did you do something?”
You shook your head and whispered. “He might have heard us.”
“Maybe it’s the tea… you said it taste so bad and yet you keep drinking it.”
“Is it your punishment for… being late this week?”
You answered. “Please, I can take this. Whatever it is, I’ll tell you as soon as I can. Can you stop assuming things that may not even help me?”
“Professor. Please… come back to us.”
“I will… calm down. It’s all because of the presentation, don’t worry.”
“You sure?”
“Definitely.”
First thing’s first, it was his fault that you were also late last week because you were debating about poached eggs and how do you even make them. In addition to that, you cuddled with one another and slept on his couch without knowing that he sleeps deep enough that you almost missed your first class.
Once you stepped in, there was an extra table with a chair prepared for you to work on. He was standing with his arms crossed, while watching you settle your things on it and pushed back his glasses before speaking.
“Hey.”
“Abusing your power.” You stood up and frowned at him.
“We need to talk.” sticking his tongue out and smirking.
“Talk.”
“Yes. And I admit that, clearly. I’m sorry for such a short notice.”
“Miss me already? Presentation’s a bit of a blur if you ask me but we’re getting there.” Sitting down to the office chair and following his sight as he walk towards you while pressing the remote from the desk to close the blinds.
“I don’t know. Maybe that’s my message, and let me see it when it’s done.”
“Do you know what you caused outside?” You whispered, pointing to the blinded glass window.
“I’m aware, and do you want me to cause a commotion right now to confuse them?”
“Lee Jinki!”
He covered his mouth and giggled silently, and placed a peck on your cheeks before sitting down to his chair. And when he sat down, he fakely cried. “You think that’s enough? I don’t know what else can I do to make that right except to scrap all that and start over! You think this is all a joke!”
You replied while trying to stop your laugh. “Why are you expecting so much?”
“Expect? I have the right and the only one who has the right to expect! Because I know that I hired you because of your qualifications and based on your interview, you’re the best candidate for this demanding job! Do you know how much time I waited just for someone to fill up the position for me to be able to apply for accreditation?”
With a whispered side note of: “don’t take those things seriously, but the filling the position was a requirement too. Since… they keep leaving.” He insisted.
“So you think I’m not suited for this job?”
“You are qualified for the job of course… they all know that. It’s just a deception, and please… don’t act cute.” While you were making faces to him and making him giggle.
“I’m not doing anything.”
“Do you want me to tickle you?”
“Do you want to finish the job first so you can do that as long as you want?”
“And you’re permitting me? I’m surprised.”
“Maybe--if I am not needing any job right now I’d rather be jobless!” The commotion outside of the room was hilarious from the blinds. You could feel their disappointment and their faces in defeat in expectation of not being able to see you again. You wanted to laugh so much with the trick working, and imagined the story reach over different departments until Kibum hears this.
With that, you already know how he will react, and what will you do unless Jinki tells him about you both. Doesn’t matter. You love him, he loves you. That’s what matters now.
“I think the bigger one would be better if you’re doing a grocery for a month.”
“But what if you start to… get used with how it tastes?”
“Are you that type of person who gets really... used to things fast?”
“Sometimes. When it comes to food, especially when you keep eating it everyday.”
“You’re really complicated, are you?”
“I just don’t understand how do people sometimes say that people have their favorite foods and state that they can eat their favorite food every day if they have a chance.
“It’s an exaggeration.”
“I know that. But do people not get used to things?”
“If you’re going to buy something new, then yes you can grab a smaller amount of it.”
“Point taken.” Throwing the box of cereals to your cart, he giggled and kept his eye contact to whatever your expression is.
“This is why I love going to restaurants instead. Although sometimes I would cook especially when I’m short for money.”
“All those spending you did for your car, is it already fixed?”
“Yeah. Thought you were listening to our office mates about it while you were drinking your tea.”
“I... may have. But not the whole story.” Jinki grimaced.
“That’s why, my grocery list is full of produce and condiments for the month.”
“Back to what we were talking about, you cook?” He hesitated from stating it, but to keep the conversation going. It shall be addressed, especially his expression gleamed from the thought of you cooking.
“Yeah, living alone has already given me enough skills to survive myself.”
“It was out of responsibility and trying to avoid fast food. I’ve been there.”
“Sounds like a reasonable thing that you can think of as my reason.”
“Totally. What do you cook? What’s your specialty.”
“That’s a secret.”
“Hmm...”
“Well... do you cook?”
With an almost disregard out of brushing the topic, he responded with. “I do, sometimes.”
To ease the situation he chuckled, and went to the next aisle with his cart alone. You didn’t bother following to give him some time alone, to find the things he need in his grocery list was one factor that came up to your mind. Another was the situation at hand that has been unanswered. It felt terrible, for once now, you are having an idea of what must he feel from the situation you have placed yourselves into. Looking back, it could’ve been admitted, but to know in your own pace... nothing gets down as quick as making decisions like this.
When you met on the pet food aisles, he was sitting with his legs reading every brand name he could find. His expression felt crumpled, with a slight change when he saw you beside him.
“Why are you here?”
“Uh… just waiting for you to finish. And I should buy something for my cat.”
“You have a cat?” Your eyes widened, from having a new fact coming from him about his life.
“Two cats. Doug and Meow.”
“Dog? D-o--g?”
“Yeah… ah, no! It’s spelled as d-o-u-g!”
It was corny, and clearly an inside joke. But it made you laugh, thinking it was hilarious. Maybe it was because you appreciate his existence and what he does, or just really think of how clever it was.
“Wow.”
“Thanks. He’s clever himself. Meow on the hand is a sweet pea.”
“I love how your cats’ names. I wish to see them…”
He gazed, and his lips curled from being flustered from your reply. He grabbed the cans he needed, stood up and mumbled to himself.
“You’ll see them.”
“What?”
“Nothing, come on! Supermarket’s about to close.”
“Wait!”
“Answer me.”
“Probably.”
Eating ice cream at a parking lot in the middle of the night, and leaning on the back compartment together.
He glanced right back at you, remembering every detail of your face and your reactions. Curves of your lips, blinks, frowns and eye movement.
“You’re trying?”
“I’m not. I… to be honest—” facing him. “—I don’t know what to do with my feelings. Perhaps I’m too naive, from how will we act while we are at work.”
“So it’s not just me.”
“Oh.... Really?”
“That also crossed in my mind, and what I came up is to just act like how we used to.”
“Remember the time you offered me tea.”
“I know, then we shall act that way more and more.”
“Are you serious...” Jinki smiled and giggled. “Don’t react that way!”
“I’m excited on how will they react. But, you know... we just have to let them talk. Especially Kibum, who wants every single update about me and you.”
He is the first one you have to tell about, before anything else. Jinki didn’t let any time pass to look at you once you glance back at him. Trying to reach out for more answers, ready to listen to more of what you have to say.You took in a deep breathe, and finally being able to say it to him gains you hope to not see that crumpled face on that aisle trying to redirect his thoughts of what’s in front of him.
The clarity he needed.
“It takes me a while to commit on decisions like this. Especially being in a relationship from someone like you?”
“Are... you doubting your worth... for liking me. To think that I won’t like you back?”
“It’s not that, it’s just sometimes it takes me longer than I have thought it can be to decide as quick as possible about this that people will start to leave me on hold after I have made my decision.”
“Past lovers?”
“Pasts. Not just that.”
“That’s completely okay.”
“I know. And it’s hard not to rethink about your choices even if you gut says otherwise and go for it.”
He sighed, placing his head to your shoulder.
“It’s no problem. Because, by that, I know that you are prepared for the unknown and you’re not alone in this.”
“Not alone? Hm?”
“Kibum persisted, therefore I rethought too. If he was right.”
“I’m sorry for ignoring you. And yes, I’m avoiding you because I need time to think.”
“Thank you for telling me that. Knowing on how I handle my relationships with people, if it was worth trying again.
“Again?”
He licked his lips and you helped him unwrap the portions of the ice cream as he was already licking the plastic.
“It’s not my first time to pursue someone. But it felt like I rushed you.”
“Did you feel like that?”
“Yeah. Since our matchmaker persisted.”
“He told you too.”
“He said it to us, did you forget? But it only hit me a week ago. Especially from you finishing the cup I used to give you with the tea. That you said that tasted horrible but actually… it tasted nice. Don’t know if I should believe you because you are interested in me or it really does.”
“It’s good, don’t worry. And … you’re not. I think we just tested the waters and… it was beyond it’s boiling point. We had to let it simmer before we jump into it again.”
“That’s good. Using science as a way to flirt.”
“Dr. Lee.” With a stern tone, he huffed.
“Jinki. Call me, Jinki.”
The most endearing way to call someone is by their birth name, asides from any form of sweet labels. Because, by that, you know them personally and able to utilize your tone to express yourself.
A sigh of relief was heard.
“So… what do we do now?”
“We can keep it professional like we said.”
“With lots of gazes and winking. Cute. That’s your thing.”
He laughed, and took a bite with your ice cream. If you were an ice cream, you would’ve melt right that moment. “Mm.. that’s okay. I like that.”
“God, help me resist.” Eye rolling.
“Don’t.” Did he just say that? He drew closer, putting his ice cream to his other hand to reach forward. He spoke near your lips, looking at it and back to your eyes. “Please don’t. I’m already excited to show you how much I--”
“Everyone’s watching, Jinki.”
“The stars are always watching. And I think they are shining way too bright tonight, don’t you think?”
“We’re at the parking lot. But… you’re right.”
“Let us just have this moment, please?”
“Can I ruin it?”
“Kibum’s not here. Are you Kibum?”
“The stars.”
“__________. Why are you like this? Why are you being like this?”
“Okay, okay! Let me just breathe in.”
“____________, this is why I… adore you.”
From the empty lot, with lights shut off as the store closed, under the stars and the moon shining, he kissed you. And even if the ice cream was melting from your hand, it was worth it.
*coughs* I just had a brush of my teeth and *yawns* I feel really rude for just doing both of those thing on record. Eitherway, I’ve decided to continue these things. To know exactly what I feel during a period of time and reassure that my thoughts are in sync of what I feel.
There are some recordings that I made him listen, but my personal ones are the ones I keep on repeat whenever. It’s surprisingly a wonderful way when sometimes he doesn’t answer my calls but want to talk on the phone.
But it also makes me miss him more.
I’m currently trying to fix my hair before I come out of the lavatory for my shifting hours again. It’s going to be in 15 minutes, so let’s spare some time since no one’s outside of the sleeping lounge.
*yawns longer and sound of door knob being opened*
Over a few nights ago, when I got home from work he was once again awake, going down the stairs with his dog when he saw me enter the house.
We looked at one another, and I know we’ve been longing for one another.
He greeted me with the warmest hug, tell me a couple of things I missed and started clinging on me until we found ourselves on our couch with some rum and snacks from the fridge.
Probably should go grocery shopping before I get home this week.
The most important thing he told me was how he’s been preparing for an album for his activities as a part time musician. Fortunately, his listeners started to form gatherings which became an outlet. That transpired the notion, since that day when he sang for me when I called on the show.
Everyone likes his comforting voice on the radio, what more him singing?
I couldn’t be prouder.
All I want is for him to do what he thinks is best and shall the fruits bear. Even so, he vocally stated that he wanted my support despite I already do that unconditionally.
He could sing to me in the kitchen while cooking pancakes, playing the piano, gardening, feeding our pets, in times we linger with one another and to sleep sometimes. And to share his precious talent to other people gradually, as this is his aspiration, I’ve been the witness of it. And will be once it finally happens.
Cause this has been something he has desired since the day we met.
If it makes him happy, then I’m happy too.
At that moment where we were talking on our living room, he stood up with my phone and pressed record. He serenaded me, pulling me up to where I am and pulled me close to slowly dance while he mumble the words and doze of bit by bit. I couldn’t help my tears flow down that time. Maybe it was the alcohol, being in the middle of the night or I’m just emotional. I don’t know.
Jonghyun expressed a lot of things to me, but to put it in a song, about our relationship makes me feel assured that he loves me so.
As I do love him too.
Every now and then I would listen to the record and hear fumbles at the end and still giggle from it when we dropped on our couch and slept until my phone rang for a meeting. It had to be cut immediately asides from hearing our snores and mumbles. It’s adorable.
I still have the original long version that sometimes I put whenever I’m doing documentation for patients.
Oh, yes. Just recently! I left my earphones at home and messaged him about it. He immediately sent a sad face and he persisted on bringing it to work. Yet since he was occupied with errands of the outside world, I found a better way to listen to it even for such a short time. By sitting on our pantry, placing my stethoscope to my ears and play it in a lowest volume with the diaphragm directed to the speaker.
It feels authentic, as if I’m reliving the moment once again.
Then, I would close my eyes and find the corner of my lips curve with the warmth that my cheeks that will never appear unless it’s about him. And whenever my colleagues see me, they used to laugh. Yet when they knew the power of a stethoscope, they started doing it too.
I actually have to go in a minute. Must be such a long record, and should buy a bigger data storage the next time.
*sighs*
To be honest, I’ve seen a lot of couples do a lot of things and often overlap to the expectations of one another which creates misunderstanding. But really?... no matter how much people do extravagant things for the ones they love, either material or experience wise, the little things are the ones that matter most. To be contented on who you love, the things they do and supporting them in the things that they desire is already a big achievement to appreciate the one you have.
And I thank the universe everyday, that this is what I feel when I finally found him.
The car was amazing, despite the speed that frustrated the both of us in a limit that’s way too high for it’s capacity.
An upgrade was made by this week after the whole discussion about it, since we were stuck in the middle of the night on a road with only our phones, snacks and cassette tapes.
Not being able to reach out destination. Despite the circumstance, we laid down and talked about errands from the last week and things we should do once we get back home.
He told me he’s okay with it, but really sorry for not reaching the place we wanted to go.
I told him next time that we should take the bus instead and try exploring things without the worry of the car.
Still, he persisted on the apology and would do anything I want for the week. It feels too much, as if we’re just playing as friends and I would think the funniest idea that my mind would formulate.
But he has already done so much for me for that week and to the next and the next: to be with me.
Back to taking the bus, it reminds me of the days where I used to ride public transportation to get home & put on my earphones to listen to music.
City lights crossing my eyes, people trying to fight their weary just to get home, and people on their phones talking to the people they are looking forward to see at the end of the day.
First thing would be my dog, she would already bark behind the door of our apartment whenever she’s around. And would even budge the door if she could just to get it opened. Digging my keys from my pocket and fumbling to tons of keys I have to carry just to find the right one for the door takes minutes.
Especially if ... Jinki has been sleeping all day and forgot to open the lights from the outside. Whether that happens or not, it takes me a while to get in.
She would greet me with a welcoming face, snuggle and would even try to refuse my peck even if she always asks for it. Then she would run throughout the living room to lead me to his bag placed on the couch of even at the high chairs from the counter.
She tells me if he’s home. It would be a big shoulder bag, with his stethoscope hanged on our wall hooks. Mine would always be my headphones, and will only match if it’s our winter coats.
Sometimes the food at the fridge would be filled, sometimes it would be my job. But to see my dog wiggle his tail whenever I ask about him makes my heart warm, cause whatever trace he made before going to sleep she would tell me in our own secret language.
Then after I have settled myself to go to bed, I would enter the room where he’s sleeping. Soundly, wrapped with his blanket and mumbling sometimes.
I would look at him, and remove the earphones from his ear since every time my show comes up he would listen to it even half asleep.
Jinki would tell me that I have tackled about a topic that he wished to listen to attentively but thanks to podcasts he would replay them and discuss it with me.
You don’t have to, as I would always say. But he perseveres and justify that he doesn’t want to miss anything from me.
He won’t, I promise you.. Because even if he doesn’t listen on my show, I know he will listen to me talk in any way possible. His little whims, nods, drawing of eyebrows together, squint and peculiar reactions are what I appreciate most.
These are little doorways of his complexity that I’m attracted to.
Despite that, he keeps telling me I’m transparent and he wishes that he can express things as far as I could. Therefore, giving him a path to guide him to be able to is what I work on most of the time. And I’m glad he’s getting there at least.
He even composed a verse for me one time, with my favorite candle set one time.
I’m planning to put it in a shirt? a board? a tattoo? No clue. But in my mind, whenever I see the small paper stapled on my journal about it does the trick whenever I miss him
...
..
.
He just pulled me closed and whispered something I don’t understand. Sounds as if someone’s awake.
Even if you are gloomy, gloomy I’ll be standing here.
Note: I think for me Jonghyun loves writing best. While Jinki gets to record his own voice as for diaries. Here’s his.
I thought that one day I will never find someone that I can trust. Until he came into my life. And as far as the mountains go, or how long the day or night is, he would be the one that I will choose to be with.
It was not just a first glance, the first look, the first thing that came to my mind but eventually it grew like how the flowers bloom on a spring day. It’s not just something that I hoped most of the days. But whenever my mind is in the trail of thought, I’m thankful that he exists, then that he’s with me and he chose someone that feels unworthy of it.
I wonder what’s going on in his mind right now.
Of what has gone to his mind to desire someone who’s trying to be funny most of the time, and doing a lot on his hands with little to no time for him.
I do sometimes call at his family’s house to check if he’s there. Sometime he would be, sometimes not. But him being in his safe place, his home, and to ours is what gives me comfort with my chaotic world of worry.
People think that I have it all, and to be in my profession, it’s a gift to have that type of persona. The sense of autonomy and responsibility lies within my hand and mine alone: by being able to commit on my thoughts full of knowledge and skills may be a gift. Yes I agree, but it takes molding to get a hang of such.
Then next would be weighing the options of which can be omitted or committed upon the choices presented on your table. Does it benefit them, for them to live longer? For them to feel better? Or otherwise?
These values are hard to deal with, and everyday, with lack of sleep and quick judgement does drains someone’s capacity over lots of things.
I’m a lot to take in. To be honest.
The lapses are way too many to mention, but whenever it’s settled with understanding one another’s capacities, once again it’s a first day.
Like the first day, even if I mentioned that our relationship grew and not just by a snap.
It feels like the first time seeing him, and the first time him talking to me about his aspirations in a patient’s waiting lounge in the middle of the night.
He was actually visiting a patient but didn’t get through because it was past visiting hours. Therefore I helped him get through the nurse station with him wearing scrubs with mask on.
And our first date was the vending machine with a sloppy cup of coffee.
He even told me that the next time we should have coffee is at his favorite coffee shop.
Which happened eventually after we decided to move in together because we loved the vending machine too much we can’t faze the fact we enjoyed that.
He introduced me to the world that I think I will never be able to dwell again, where I can enjoy things and finally take my time to think about not just about myself but also him. Because to care for someone who roots for the things that I want to reach and remind me about risks and challenges is worth fighting for.
He’s my stronghold as he always tell me that I’m his refuge. A match. Not maybe perfect, but this feels like a vow that I can tell him until my time has come.
That’s why I like it whenever I get home to see him sleeping in our bed. It makes it cozier, and welcoming to me. That someone’s waiting for me to hold them dear, that I’m special to that person. And he can’t wait for me to come home.
Today, I’ll be home once again after the shift. Jeez. Finally. Funny thing is... he told me he cooked breakfast for me. Which I’m kind of scared of what it’s going to turn out. But the efforts... oh no. Am I crying?
Am I crying.
Is this actually making me cry?
*sniffs*
That Jonghyun... is the love of my life? And I love him?
This is not the first entry that I would really think I have ever talked about him. Maybe tonight, it’s quite different. I would usually talk about how I feel personally, which is exactly the purpose of this notebook, then other people after. Then what I think about it entirely before ending it.
This time, I want to talk about my feelings about my long time relationship with my man.
Since tonight I miss him a lot.
I love him with all my heart and I just want him close but due to his hospital duty which will end in two days for this week, I’m left with no option but to write.
I can’t sleep.
Considering that this has been going on for years, sometimes it lapses, and sometimes it’s worse. Yet when he’s close, he eases it.
So to pass time and to dread myself, I would compose poems and try to write as much as I can until the day comes that he’s home again.
Jinki would get mad at me if I leave the house unclean of course. But he would forgive me as soon as I wake up and see the entire abode arranged and clean. It usually happens most of the time, that I started to be ashamed of this. But he doesn’t say anything, and even appreciates my efforts of getting out of bed when he’s there and finally sit down in a couch to watch something until we pass out again.
This week, he’s deciding to buy a 1980 Mustang just to convert some of my burned CDs to cassette (who even does that? he has connections anyway that I barely understand but I think he’s really up to it now) tape to play it on it’s deck. He thinks it’s something we can enjoy especially if we’re having a date night at the beach or just across the street when we feel like it.
Which I’m excited about. Because! 1) Cassette tapes 2) With my boyfriend!
To be honest, Jinki has always been there in times that are rough and the opposite too. He would smile at me when things are right, show that he’s proud of my achievements and comfort me when it’s not. He would listen to my stories for as long as I could go on. Even if at times he would be sleeping on the table while we eat, because he would come from work and reason out that he got too excited to listen to me.
I completely understand his line of work, and so is mine. I like doing radio at nights that he would even message me if I could play his favorite songs for his coworkers to hear. That finally made a segment called “According to my lover.”
It is a portion of the show where people can request and I shall be reading why did they associate it with the person they love. For me though? It’s not that different.
I love him everyday, and to associate him to things around me doesn’t bother me but comforts me whenever he’s working. Because I know that he’ll be there once he arrives home to finally sing me a song to sleep or to wake up.
Eitherway it’s still something I treasure everyday. Not just how he does the things I mentioned but as well as him as a whole. Yet there are instaces that he may lack upon, that I wanna address.
For the sake of me, I don’t think he gets to hang out a lot alone or with his friends sometimes. That’s why I try as much possible to set up things for him and his friends. They are all pretty much the same: quiet, story tellers and loves music. I even tell his friends to keep updating him about lives outside of work or whenever he’s stressed out and he needs a break.
He loves surprises despite him being the type that does that thing most of the time. That’s the reason I surprise him too.
And sometimes, I’ll let him do his thing for a day. It would be may be because of my work, or sometimes I mention it to him. That there’s something interesting about his interests that is currently happening and he should see it.
He thinks it’s unfair when I talked to him about it.
That at one point I let him do things without me.
But it’s something that I think is important. Because not all the time, it’s okay to be together. Some alone time and self-appreciation can come weary whenever come unchecked that leaves the other person in the relationship beg for it if they don’t get it as much.
And as soon as he got used to it, he would tell me stories of his own experiences with friends and him alone. Although, he would always end with a note of: I wish you were there. You know that I don’t take a lot of photos like you.
For me, it could be important. But... to see the emotions of people transpire on an experience is better to see. Especially with him, smiling with all his might and expressing how happy or overwhelmed he is.
I love Jinki. So much. I think I should try cooking food so when he arrives, he would just rest.
we’ll be releasing something like short stuffs along with uni au cause i have been inspired lately abt one shots and lacking ideas about the whole story im focused right now. please forgive me.
“Are you feeling down lately? Everyone seems to be these days, and there are a couple of times when you wish you could turn it around as soon as possible. No one likes to feel that way, but whenever they do, they try their utmost to even find ways to change it. But it’s really something we feel once in a while. It’s a force that is intangible enough it can take things away from you.
Love.
Joy.
Satisfaction.
It’s a sensitive topic, and I, myself sometimes feel this way.
It’s okay though, that once in a while this feelings exist. It means we’re human and I want you to join me to find our way again to our own path and help one another get through this. This is Blue Night, I’m Jonghyun.”
This is one of those nights you just want to tune in to the radio, and that made you order a new radio player that was shipped to you today. You jumped into your bed and continued reading the material you’re going to discuss for tomorrow, but whenever Jonghyun speaks, you take a pause. He’s just like beside you, ready to talk when you’re going on a break. Which helped you company on this lonely night.
“I played a song that is close to my heart and it is entitled “I Get Along Without You Very Well” by Chet Baker.
Sometimes we deny things in terms of liking something so much. Because we can be a little be afraid about how things can turn out so great it can be ruined by something. Ah, it’s such a complicated situation, is it? There’s no way out of it but to keep holding onto it when you really want it.
It’s not we have to, but it’s because we want it. And that’s one thing to take it to consideration, and give it a try.
We may be afraid. I, too am at some aspects, yet we can do something if we just try and try. Because we want it.
What do you think? Send them in.”
Grabbing your phone, you typed so fast and multiple times you checked your grammar. And was too lazy for Kibum to proofread it, and sent your message immediately. It felt like an opportunity to finally clear things from your head. By expressing it.
You were anxious if it would be just disregarded, but Jonghyun doesn’t disappoint.
“Someone has stated in my messages, from a special viewer saying: but it’s really complicated even if you want it. Is it worth it? You keep asking questions to yourself that sometimes you don’t notice that this brooding leaves them hanging. Is this a bad take of things? Or should I do something about it?
My answer is: I think you can, but also, sometimes telling someone about how you feel uncomplicate things than just leave them hanging. It’s not great, and especially if it’s important or they are important. And even if it hurts, at certain situations, telling the truth, even it can harm is better than living with so much questions and lies.
I do recall a friend, and sometimes he would do too. I always tell him to admit it, because the time will be always now. But take your time to think because not everyone can make decision abruptly or point blank. It takes a lot of time if it’s a big decision, and hopefully if you have made up your mind, you can lay it out all out and open everything you feel to what your situation is now.
For me, maybe in summary, the thing I do is let myself think first, then speak up thereafter. Because even so, there’s no rush.
If a person is willing to wait, then it shall be worth it.
You seem to be inflicted, and I hope I helped you. And please, whatever that is you are thinking, you can tell it to them and they would understand wholeheartedly.”
And I Fall In Love Too Easily by Chet Baker played thereafter, realizing that it would be better to say what’s going on than leaving someone clueless and assuming things are points that could ruin a relationship. Maybe that’s why people complain about miscommunication, is because we get to the point that we are too afraid to ask. There on, you sighed, and closed your eyes. Hoping that one day, you get the courage to say it.
Running back to the office was a 5k marathon from the other side of the university. You have forgotten about something before going home, and almost turning your table into a ruckus just to find it. You are about to go home again once it appeared just beside the bin, and you are excited to see the new series on Netflix and you can’t miss it out. It’s because of Kibum again, and Taemin insisting on you to watch it as soon as possible to chat about it at lunch.
“Professor?”
You heard a distinct voice from his office. His silhouette showed from the sheer glass and when he opened the blinds, and you saw one another.
You waved and rushed to grab your things to go home, and when you heard a loud slam of the door you turned to him standing there.
“Are you doing something… tonight?”
A sentence that he might have kept to himself for a long time. Your mind wanted to think of an excuse. Report? You’ve been doing that all day, all week, and what you get is a post it note about what you’re missing out. Hang out with friends? Everyone’s busy and if ever that happens it’s too late for a weekday. A TV Show that just released? That was the plan… but…. think better. Therefore: “Grocery shopping?”
He fumbled over his pocket and brought out his phone to show you a grocery list dated two days ago and to be done today.
“I can come too, if you want.”
He can find ways, and he has found a way. No more backing out, this is it. Maybe. You nodded, and responded. Take note, you nodded!
“Yeah. Sure.”
“I’ll just grab my things. Do you have your car?”
“I did not bring it. Supermarket’s not too far from home.”
And you recall that he lives around the corner, possibly in the same neighborhood. But you have only seen Minho around, therefore you don’t have the knowlege nor source to prove this. Either way, it seems as it he was telling the truth.
“Yeah. Please wait for me.”
You waited. Carrying your bag with both hands, swinging it and whistling. Jinki locked the door and again you walked silently on your way to the parking lot. It was an eternity to get there, and the simple glances took you to thinking of what you can say. But you’re out of words.
You’re out of words. You just want to hold him close and feel safe again.
In the car ride, music played.
And his grip the steering wheel was one you noticed, then to the stick, and then his winces from swerving motorists. What you were doing the whole time was: you were looking at him. Adoring him. Maybe it’s being out of words. But you like what you’re seeing. To observe, and to look at him.
Then your eyes met as soon as you reached the stoplight, and it was a snap of the moment.
He grimaced, and gulped before finally telling you what he wants to say for the longest time. “Are you avoiding me?”
“Dr. Lee.”
“________. Is this about the thing … five weeks ago?”
“... Dr. Lee.”
“Look into my eyes and tell me, are you avoiding me?”
You stared, in awe. And in doubt. You have to answer.
You know that.
“I’m looking into your…” You can’t find the words, and when it appeared, it was the exactly what you feel. “...wonderful eyes and I’m out of words to say.”
Even without light, you saw how his cheeks turned red.
“Then please, tell me why.” Stating it while his voice shiver. The green light illuminated the dashboard and he had to go to the direction where the supermarket is. Entering the store, it was almost closing time.
The aisles are almost empty and a few cash registers are still open for the remaining buyers. From your side, one employee yawned passing by you, and you both smiled at one another by seeing this reaction.
It was fun.
To know his choices.
And to know your preferences, but deviating the concern.
The weather was hazy, as the leaves wither and altogether the branches unveil themselves in transition to winter.
After your class, you didn’t know that next to your room was his, Dr. Lee’s post graduate class. You bid your goodbyes to your students first, and peeked to the glass from the door showing a portion of the room. You noticed how attentive the graduate students are, and their professor pointing to the monitor to guide them as he shows his specimens from his table.
They nodded, and felt that your head did too when they did.
He smiled, for a second, perhaps he realized how his students are catching up to what he is trying to explain. Then, he entertained questions, and welcomed inputs from the students before another topic is introduced. It felt like a normal conversation and he was telling an interesting story, and you already picture yourself attending one of his seminars soon with the faculty…
Must be engaging.
You can hear how he discuss: detailed and passionate at the same time. Speaking with the sole purpose to convey every detail the students have to know. Also, he made the class laugh by an inside joke you didn’t understand. It was impressive to know why he is respected and liked by many. It’s pretty rare, especially he’s just your lab assistant. It’s the moment where you realized of what he is in the university, and to see it to the door made you smile.
Not just for being kind, but being a good mentor.
Suddenly, you thought of why did he even accept a job of a faculty member who admitted his withdrawal to help you. Maybe it was for courtesy, lack of manpower or just because he wants to.
You don’t know.
Yet you’re thankful to be assisted especially when you have lots of things at hand.
Although, you remained civil, because it is your job and your boss is assisting you.
It kind of feels a lot from him. But what else?
As your thoughts flew, you noticed that you’re standing in front of the door where he can see you. And when he turned and saw you, you gulped. A lump you didn’t notice that needed a push to be swallowed. He took a sharp breathe, and was about to step out of the class when you sprinted out of the hallway and went to hide somewhere.
A post you leaned on, and caught your breathe.
It’s not that you’re trying to avoid him, but to keep a professional relationship is tough especially if you have feelings.
And… to clarify, both of you having it at the same time, as his words uttered during the car ride.
You were hesitant after that day, thinking if it’s really going too fast or just at the right pace from Kibum’s comment.
Yet you miss him close, by just being together feels better than a regular day at work: to see him is a already a price, and to be close is a bonus.
Maybe it was the teaser for something spectacular. Or it can be an encore for an almost blooming relationship. You don’t know.
Too afraid to ask, and too much fear has already accumulated on you when starting again with relationships. You even notice that when you were guys eating with others, he seemed to be keen about his actions. Not too showy and like to just keep an eye on you. Which was sweet, but knowing how Kibum saw it worried you about what did he think? How did he feel?
Because you didn’t talk about it thereafter, and that leaves things unanswered.
It’s a new thing.
Don’t let it slide, also don’t let it wither.
It’s not supposed to spontaneous,
not should be inert.
It’s hard.
But somehow,
at the back of your brain,
you remind yourself that if
it’s meant to be,
then it’s worth it.
Going back to your class, you saw your students fill up their seats and chattering for a while. You could sense their apprehensive behavoirs while fcusing on the key points from the few lectures you had that will appear in the test. Others were pacing or reviewing on their own, and that made you feel less uneasy despite the circumstance. That somehow, despite your current dilemma, their engagements are appreciated.
Which made you give bonus questions of current events and trends that they rejoiced with the sudden generosity. Sometimes, you can fight fire with fire, but nothing else beats fighting it with water.
Let it cool down, and let it simmer for a while until you can step upon the ground again. That’s why you decided to keep your distance from him, and to anyone connected to him.
Especially Kibum, who might be texting you constantly on when you will hang out again especially he has so much things to say about Minho getting them back together. He can talk about him everyday, and to see them from afar how endearing they are made you feel happy for your now friend.
Kibum: When are we going to hang out again? We can drink wine you know and talk about people who we are interested with.
You: Maybe next time. Lots of paperwork these days, and the upcoming exams too.
Kibum: I’ll look forward to that, please please, I miss you.
You: You see me in the hallways everytime, and we go to the vending machine for nothing.
Kibum: But you’re always going somewhere after class. What are you trying to do? Being a busybee for … Dr. Lee :’)??? Do you have any business that you have to do… with him?
You: Lol.
Kibum: What a random answer, what’s going on?
You: Nothing, we’ll definitely hang out soon. I’m currently finishing a report.
It’s your way of putting things in perspective, to try not let other opinions get into your way of deciding if this is right. You’re an adult, and can decide for yourself on what can be the right move in a complicated situation and the consequences of your chosen path.
It seems to be what life is about, and sometimes you want to just want to fight yourself out of it.
Nevertheless, you’re currently in that situation. To decide on whether this was right to feel at all.
The exams came around, and being a proctor in some classes gave you time to talk with yourself and finalize reports that are needed once the tests are done. Encoding is such a job to do, and your co-workers are ready to warm up their seats and join the train until you guys are done.
That’s the goal.
And you got it finished with some lapses, yet you managed to accomplish every to do list before the break. Figures, with no distraction. Instead, it felt like a pause to your own personal sake.
They said sublimation can be a harm. It kind of does not, sometimes.
During the students’ break, you still go to the office with some unfinished businesses. Moreover, Taemin frequently visits Dr. Lee in his office during these times. And he won’t forget to say his regards to you every time he’s about to leave after stepping out of that room. But every time Dr. Lee… Jinki refers to you, you put on your earphones and continue your work. Even when you guys returned to classes again, that was the routine. Hence, when this happens, somehow he found a way to reach out to you.
He must’ve known.
But he’s no fortune teller.
But he has his tricks.
Even if he’s no magician, he has magic to capture your attention.
In your table, a cup of tea would be placed every day. It would have a post-it note of the following notes you kept on your room to look at the mirror once received. You want to keep it, since… it is from him.
He won’t get into detail since it’s just a small portion of paper, but to see them is an update to his life and how he feels with you is nice.
“Taemin wants to say hi. He thinks you’re working hard too much and he wishes to introduce you to his class sometime.”
“Will I be assisting tomorrow? I’ll be there early.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t at the laboratory today. Something came up, meeting at the Research Board. Here’s a bonus… doughnut. I think tastes good so I grabbed it from the meeting and kept it on my coat with tissue wrapped on it.”
The doughnut was there, with tissue. It looked bland, yet when you took a bite, he was right.
“Kibum’s being annoying and asking things about you to me. I told him that business that doesn’t concern the university nor the department and it’s associates are to be discussed to the said person he wants to talk with. Why aren’t you talking to him?”
“Funny. Now he talks to me about everything. Is this what you guys talk about? Minho? And… food?”
“I’m attending the game tonight, are you… coming? I can reserve a seat for you… anywhere you want. I can tell Minho, even if you want to seat on the bleachers if you want.”
“Are you going home… early or late? If you don’t have your car, I can take you home.”
“Meeting’s at the fifth floor room. I decided to order pizza. What flavor you want? They want Hawaiian. You can vote otherwise?”
“How are you today? Seem pretty sad. What’s up?”
“When will you be free? Let’s talk sometime.”
And from that last note was memorable, where you both looked at one another and he turned away to go back to his office like he was dragging himself in.
It felt heavy, and by pausing your music you heard his loud sigh from him. You felt squirmy, and to be this uncomfortable over someone feeling bad because you’re trying to solve something felt like a burden. You wish your mind isn’t so cranky and feeble, after all, it’s not just you.
You were at the place where you first ate with Kibum.
He called for you since it was his also his lunchtime. He even insisted that you should hang out after work, and even drink with him at home. It’s not that you’re wondering about why is he demanding your time but it’s really bothersome why only you.
He could ask Dr. Lee about himself.
He could ask someone else from his faculty members that he always talks with, or even Minho. Yet in your thoughts you hesitated on that, because he sounded so eager when he saw you in your place.
“_____________!” He sits down and drinks his latte.
“Alright, why are you asking for my time for the whole ass day.”
“It’s complicated. But can we eat first? I am starving.”
Then you ate, and talked about work like usual.
“My cofaculty members are just so annoying.”
“Why say that when you’re just here for a couple months.”
“I don’t know why they are reacting that way whenever I’m with Dr. Lee.”
“Haha… what did he do now?” With that sneaky smile again painted on his face. But his eyes were saying otherwise.
“He offered me tea. And they said it was the first time that he offered someone with that horrible tea. It wasn’t horrible.”
“Don’t sugarcoat anything he does. He just almost kissed you!” you recall, remember, reminsce the touch of his hands and his breathing as close as that space. It is tempting.
“You’re the reason why it was just almost.”
“I will not be surprised when you start initiating things more with him.”
“Then I’ll defy that chance.”
“Hahaha, bite me.”
“Anyway, what about you?”
“Me? I was called for a meeting in the Royal Society which means I have to fly to U.K by next week. It’s not even ideal especially that winter is about to come, or it’s just really not ideal because I don’t want to go.”
“You fly yourself to England just for that?”
“Well.. I studied there so my affiliations are clearly there too. What do you expect?”
You eye rolled but amused by how he didn’t mention this to you before. “That’s pretty legit.”
“No one says that word anymore, keep up with the trends!”
“And I see you postering around like there is an event everyday.”
“Why are you being vague? You always have to present yourself as much as possible to your students and to your officemates. My supervisor even thinks that I’m showing a good image towards my coworkers and to everyone that whenever it’s a Monday, everyone looks like a magazine model.”
“Maybe we’re just… really not concerned about that.”
“Try it. I challenge you of course. And look good in front of your supervisor.”
“He’s my boss.”
“Make sense. I just said the same time, why are you trying to change my words?”
“Why do you keep directing our conversation to him!”
“Because!”
Laughing out loud never felt so good that the students noticed and you commented that you were just talking about the new poster showed everywhere. It included Minho, and when you brought up that topic, Kibum disregarded it like: “He’s a coach. It’s just unfair that he’s the only faculty there. Can you believe that?”
As he decided to drink wine at his home instead rather than stay at the bar to talk, it was a great decision since you’re itching to know when someone offers their home as their place to hang out. People are different whenever they are at home, and their bare reactions to simple life problems like utilities and needs. Fun fact, he owns the flat, and living with two dogs named Commes De and Garcon.
“I’m sorry if the place is a mess.”
Mess? Probably, but it’s livable compared to where you are living.
“It’s okay.” Removing your shoes and placing them to the shoe rack. The dogs approached and greeted him with their tails wiggling.
“Commes De, Garcon, meet __________, my new friend. ___’s going to be here for the meantime, probably-” as he stands up and they follow, he goes to the counter and turns to the refrigerator to grab something “-for some several times so, be kind to ________, okay?” Looking at his dogs and looking back at you to smile.
“You’re talking with your dogs.”
“Helps me fill up the space. Living alone sometimes can be exhausting so I ask friends over sometimes. Hungry?”
Grabbing ingredients from the shelves and back to back to and from the fridge. You rolled up your sleeves to see him wearing an apron and walking back with a pan and casserole.
“Want me to help you?”
“If you want and know the recipe, sure.”
You were cooking a dish from the country he’s going by the next week, and it wasn’t hard to make But this also engaged to start drinking wine while doing so, and smelled your drink, mixed it before drinking.
“Ah… the way the movies do.”
“They always say that you have to savour your wine before drinking it.”
“It’s just a preference. I’d drink it and I feel good about it.”
“Jeez. you have your way of things.”
“I do. Shut up.”
Placing the plates of your food to the table in front of the couch, he turned on the television for a show he puts in play that you would find entertaining. It was something to just pay attention for a short time while talking.
“So…”
“Please present your case.”
“What case are you talking about?”
“Why did you want to drink with me?”
“I want to fucking drink!”
“Calm down, shit.”
He cackled and threw his pillow to you, that almost spilled the wine.
“Don’t spill that expensive wine on my couch!”
“Jeez! You just threw a pillow over my face. Please, just calm down. Are you already drunk?”
“Who says that I am?”
He laughed again and you observed how he fumbles over the table to grab the remote control to change the show. “Show’s really boring.”
“Why—I’m enjoying the material!”
“Are you serious? It’s the most boring show ever. Try this.”
“No. We have to talk.”
“What are we going to talk about?”
There was a moment of silence where you were both holding your glass with wine, folded legs on the couch and in sync of squinting your eyes before he shook his head.
“What do you want to know?”
“Uh… why are you not talking about Minho?” with a dissastisfied face, and he scowled.
“Why do we have to talk about him?”
“Exactly. Why?” Challenging to reveal himself.
“Why are you trying to twist my words?”
“I’m not!”
He groaned and placed his glass to the table before supporting his head with his folded elbows.
“Fine. We… met.”
“Okay…?”
He pulled two tissues from the box and started tearing up. “And he is just the most beautiful human being ever.”
“Jeez. What is wrong with you? I think I already know that.”
“He… is so beautiful that I could cry.” He sniffed and hugged a throw pillow where he hid his face and when he pulled it out he was smiling so hard that you threw a throw pillow at him. “Careful! You might break a vase!”
“Vase? Whatever that is. Stop fooling around and confess.”
“Are you a priest?”
“You’re a liar. I could smell the deception you are trying to attract me into so I won’t ask.”
“Fine.” He drinks from the glass and finished it. He placed it with a loud thump to the table and said. “He just asked me out.”
“WHAT!”
“Before he did, and now he is asking me again.”
“Oh… why is that? What happened before?”
“Being tipsy helps with the conversation therefore please sit back and relax.” He gulped and ate a snack before speaking up. You curled your legs again the other way around, directed to him and more relaxed to finally listen to his story.
“He asked me out… before when we were still new instructors in the university we came from. And… when that happened, we went to a cafe and liked one another so much that we stayed there until closing time just talking about work and life.”
“Too formal.”
“Made out whenever someone stares at us.”
“ALRIGHT, I’M LISTENING.”
“But I had to go to U.K for my masters, and eventually got my fellowship which was a plus on getting in to where we work now.”
“That means you… guys…”
“I told him it’s better off without us because I think career wise and long distance relationships are pretty hard to maintain. I gotta fix my shit first before I put up with others.”
Thus, he has a point especially now to see the results must’ve felt fulfilling, but in terms of romance? Wonk, wonk.
“So… you guys met here again?”
“Yeah. He was already staying here and doing his masters at the same time when I arrived. It was surreal, to see him brush his hair whenever he trains with his team for the season’s game I just… get swooned over by it.”
“Hahaha, you are too adorable describing every single detail of this relationship.”
“Well… I think he has fulfilled his promise to me.”
“What is it?” You drank wine, and poured yourself some more from the second bottle that was recently opened.
“That he’ll wait for me. So I think… it’s worth to try now.”
“Did you even answer him yet?”
“Not yet… that’s why I’m trying to dodge the question because I need your opinion.”
“Should you give it a try or say no is your inquiry?”
“Yeah. Cause I don’t want to get into it too fast but also want to enjoy everything we can do.”
“You’re adults. You can do whatever you want.”
“I told him he couldn’t do it. But he did it.”
“He seems to be a solid guy.”
“Solid?”
“He just fulfilled his promise to you by doing his best to be with you. And surprise, you work in the same place now without both of you knowing, which means if you meet the second time, it’s destiny.”
“How can people not think like you?”
“It’s really hard to construct it. But given the chance of the life, might as well not miss it.”
“I’m here! Roo!” You could hear from your 6′o clock Professor Jonghyun’s cry. Glancing on his direction, he was wiping his tears and trying to keep his hold on the bark of the tree. You ran towards him, where he immediately held your hand, begging for you to help him to find Roo.
“I am already trying finding Roo. I promise if I see her, I’ll bring her to you. That is a promise. Please wipe your tears.”
“I cannot afford to lose her, Professor.”
“Professor, please. We’ll find her. She has not gone far enough that we won’t be able to find her. Please.”
“She’s the most important being in my life and I can’t afford to lose her. Please. Help me.”
“Yes, I will. Promise.”
Different directions, several locations where she could be, you want to find her because of the promise you made with her dad. The sweat on his forehead dripped while the tears pour, opposite of his expression when they were both together. Roo’s important to him as you thought. She’s someone he treasures the most with in his life asides from music, and everything that’s passionate about.
You have not been with the both of them for a long time, but with how he begged to you, paved the way to hold onto some hope that you will see her again. And see Jonghyun’s smile again with the love of his life.
“Did you see her?” Jinki asked you loudly, while running in the same pace to the same direction.
“No! We have to find her or Professor Jonghyun’s going to be really upset!”
“What made you say that...” His expression changed into being concerned, worried, and confused. “What did he said to you?”
“He... held my hand and said that she’s the most important thing in his life and and can’t afford to lose her.”
“We have to find her then. We have to.” Tone change indicated sincerity, and urgency. “We have to find her because if we don’t, it’s not going to be good.”
“Dr. Lee...”
“We’ll find her.”
From that, you both ran to a direction you felt like you didn’t intend to go into. But your gut feeling felt that in that direction, a one in a million chance, she’s there.
“Roo!”
“Roo!”
“Roo! Jonghyun really misses you already! Please comeback! I’m here too! We’re going to eat lots when you show up!”
“Roo! We just knew each other, please. Let me play with you again!”
“Jonghyun appa’s has a treat!”
“Roo!”
“Roo!!!”
The hope does run out dry whenever, after a few tries, it seems as if there’s nothing that reciprocates.
Yet, you promised. And noted Jinki’s tone. And Jonghyun’s expression. This has to have a solution. Roo’s going to be found.
They say that optimism can be fooling, but it’s something you want to face right now for you to continue.
And the hunt still pursues even if you stopped for a minute to fold your knees and pant. From where you are, you could see Jonghyun pushing himself to find Roo even with his whimper. Your chest aches from seeing this, therefore you can’t give up now.
“Roo!”
Then, when you started running again to the direction that you kept passing by...
You see a silhouette of a small dog from the shadows under piles of debris. Whimpering, and his dark eyes reflected to your flashlight when you tried to see if there’s anything inside the hole.
“... Roo? Are you... is that you?”
A bark was heard.
“ROO!”
Roo tackled until you dropped to the floor and she licked your face.
“Roo!!!!! Roo’s here! Hahaha Roo! Roo!”
Everyone who heard your cry ran towards you and leading Jonghyun to where you both were. The crowd formed and you stood up and handed Roo gently to Jonghyun who hugged her and crying.
“T…”he sniffed. “Thank you so much, Professor. You found her. The love of my life!”
You smiled, and hugged. Roo even barked from being squeezed and they all laughed.
The said show didn’t push through because of the time that took long enough to find her. But she was found, and Jonghyun even asked you to eat with him and his friends for dinner as a gratitude of keeping your promise.
Kibum wrapped his arms around you while walking to the parking lot. “I told you.”
“Told you what?” You said harshly.
“He likes you.”
Eye roll. “And you had to ruin the moment.”
“It’s going there! But take it slow you two!”
“Says you and Minho.”
Minho walked beside him and reached out for his hand. Kibum lets go of you and refused, and even if he did, the man led you to the car.
Meanwhile, Jonghyun hollered for your attention before riding the car.
“Professor! Do you want to ride at my car!”
“Ah…”
Kibum nodded for approval and you slyly rolled your shoulders to tease him.
Jonghyun then opened the door to his car and when he saw Jinki walk towards Kibum’s car he called him as well.
“Hyung! Doctor! Let’s ride here!”
Sitting beside Jinki at the backseat felt like a void trying to push you aside. He was looking at his side window with his hands on his jaw. Thinking. And by looking at Roo who jumped out of the shotgun seat to sit beside you, it eased the awkwardness. It was tempting, to approach again and hold his hand. But is it okay?
Because it feels like it not. It’s not okay to do it here.
Until Jonghyun spoke. “Kibum told me about it.” You both looked at one another, and to the rear mirror with the guy smiling.
“What did he tell you? Ah… jeez why is he like this.” You replied.
“I’m pretty sure both of you almost kissed afar from the event that you are supposed to be in.”
“I just went to the booths that time!”
“And you, Jinki hyung?”
“Just because you have the upperhand in this situation doesn’t mean I’ll let you pass.” Then Jonghyun laughed, and looked back at you while you were in a stop light.
“To be honest I was also… frustrated when Kibum appeared out of nowhere and didn’t even let it happen.”
This conversation felt like a casual conversation that both of them are having. The one listening and trying to find ways to dodge the situation and the other throwing all the ammunition he has to expose him. How cute, how silly. You don’t know what to conclude about it, but it meant that they have talked about you.
Then out of nowhere, while they were chattering, Jinki blurted out.
“It was my intention, okay? I’m serious!”
“Aha!”
You brought out your phone to distract yourself from the discussion and Jinki sighed so loudly from defeat that Roo crawled to your lap.
“Dr. Lee. You scared her!”
“I’m so sorry.” He was reaching for your look and when he did, he made a resentful smile. And slowly looked back to the window once your lips curled with a big smile covering with his hands.
Another day, another life. Passes by just like mine, it’s not complicated. Another mind, another soul, another body to grow old it’s not complicated.
This song plays in your head as soon as you wake up. Looking at your clock, you felt like it was a good day to jog. You jog at times you think you’re motivated to, but sometimes, jogging feels like a requirement to do than a leisure.
It is not the latter this time, therefore you got up and looked at your phone and saw notifications from your coworkers about the task for the upcoming week again.
It is Sunday, how they hell are you even doing with your lives on a free day?
On the path you always take, the trees rustling reached your ear. It’s breathtaking, and knowing the reason why you jog is to appreciate nature asides from your sake. You feel the weight lifted up on your body, and you love every single step you take.
Even at times you stop for a break, it feels nice to be outside of the cycle you have to go through for a week.
For example, your time as a professor.
Thinking of how much has changed since you entered the university, you have made a few acquaintances, finally able to attend parties that the faculty conduct almost every week and talk to different department members especially who are associated with Kibum and Dr. Lee.
And especially to being able to interact with your boss, and actually helping you. That made you wonder, does he have more time in his hands that he tries to reach out to every single faculty member he has or just you?
You wish it was just you, even if it is selfish.
But to know that will also bring issues among colleagues on special treatments per se. It’s ugly, and these thoughts are not getting your thoughts straight. Therefore you told yourself, come what may. Come what may.
“Professor!” A tall man with his workout clothes ran towards you with his funky glasses on. He smiled, and changed course to your pace. “You’re Kibum’s friend!”
“Instructor Choi!”
“I didn’t know you jog.”
“It’s been a week since. Felt like I have to get back on track.”
“Amazing, that’s a good take. It takes 2-3 weeks for you to decline with your performance.”
“Wow, then it was a good timing.”
“Definitely. Do you live nearby?” He waved at the people approaching and they were swooning over how he looked.
“Yeah. I’m about two blocks away from here.”
“Ah! Same! But I’m from the other side.”
“Oh, that’s awesome.”
You jogged, and seeing how he focuses on his breathing impressed you. It comes from the nose, and letting it out at his mouth felt like work.
“Do you really have to breathe that way?”
“It gathers more oxygen.”
“Is this… how your program works?”
“Yeah… and it’s not just how the program works. It’s how the body desires. They always say that you should be able to sell what you practice, but I think what better term should be is to embody what you practice.”
Good take from the bright man, and he seems to be a good guy coming from his own statements.
“That sounds really good. I shall take a mental note of that.”
“That’s nice. By the way, you seem pretty close with Kibum.”
“Ah… we only have talked several times and we eat lunch. We talked.”
“But you seem to be close friends already.”
“I guess it’s how we like talking about university and things outside of it.”
“Like?”
“Why are you curious?”
“I am just curious. What does has got to do with a reason!”
“I’m just asking.”
“What, I just want to know!”
You both laughed at this offense, Kibum has told you of how Minho can be pretty competitive sometimes have it’s own good side. Despite him telling you about the bad sides of it.
“Alright. I don’t know, everything else.”
“Boring.”
“Stop! He’s really a good person to hang out with.”
“Really?”
“We just… click I guess.”
“That’s a good one. The friend that you surprisingly meet sometimes can eventually become your closest friend.”
“He’s pretty good at knowing people. He’s a social butterfly, and he is so caring.”
“It is seem to be, if you want to describe it that way.”
“Huh. You’re friends too right?”
“Yeah, we hang out sometimes. I really love whenever I hang out at his house and talk about plans outside of work. We even walk his dogs every time I’m there.”
“Then why is he trying to avoid you?” You blurted out and he almost tripped when he heard your response.
“Uh… he isn’t.”
“Uh… really?”
“Uh, is he? Did he tell you that he is?” He placed his hands on his folded knees and catching his breath. He shook his head and skeptic about what you are about to answer.
“That’s what I notice.”
“Ah… he’s… it’s a long story. He’ll tell you eventually.”
“Ah…” Presuming that there must have been that happened, that’s why Kibum avoids the talk about their relationship together is something out of your range as of the moment. But being told that you’ll know eventually does give you an open offer to just be there and trustworthy.
There was a big pearl aqua box left on your table with a note attached to it. Excited to see what’s inside, you quickly pulled out the note to read. Turns out, it was a gift that you are supposed to bring to Professor Jonghyun’s office at the multimedia arts faculty room for a “valid” reason. As Dr. Lee wrote diligently, with a smiley.
You looked at the blinded window to his office, and saw him looking at you. He eye smiled, then you frowned as a response and he chuckled before continuing his work.
Checking you watch, you have time to spare so you can give it immediately to him.
Yet to confirm it’s imperativeness, you knocked on Dr. Lee’s door.
“Am I to deliver this today?” Standing in front his table while he’s filled with paper work, he didn’t try to make eye contact with you.
“Mhmmm… if possible, as soon as you can.” Passively responded. And when you stepped forward near his table and scowled at him, you caught his attention and he played dumb. “What’s wrong, Professor?”
“Nothing, I’ll send this as soon as possible. Doctor.”
“Thank you, ________!” Responding resentful, as you left the room. If there’s a thing you get confused over your boss, it’s describing how he acts. From being silly and frisky or strict and demanding, you don’t know. But you know he is one of those, or both. Which makes things complicated.
Is he unpredictable?
Dear god.
If he’s your partner, what else can he do?
Walking to the multimedia arts building, you were amazed how the students around the premises were making their own canvases. Clusters of musicians are scattered everywhere too, and singing along may not be only a past time but also a practice for a class.
It was an idealist’s haven.
There were others who are enjoying their time dancing and playing instruments from the halls you have passed by, making the whole place not only pleasing to the eye but bring colors to your dull aesthetic.
It was meant for the creatives to unleash their potentials in arts, and by sliding the door to the faculty, you saw three people harmonizing with the music playing from their stereo: two co-workers and Instructor Lee Taemin at the water dispenser.
The chyme attached to the door made a sound, caught their attention and Taemin noticed you come in with a smile.
“Ah! The judge from the talent show from the open day! What can I do for you?” He greeted, and led you to their pantry table to place the box. “What is this box for?”
“I’m ___________, is Professor Jonghyun around?”
He crossed his arms and replied. “He isn’t, unfortunately. He’ll be back in a few hours.” Supposed that means you are in class, therefore you thought of an idea that would make things easier.
“Uh… can I leave this in his office?”
“The thing is… it is locked.” He grimaced, and you sighed because it resulted otherwise. “Professor, may I know where did it come from?”
“It came from Dr. Lee. Jinki?”
“Doctor Lee! Yes, I think this was mentioned to me lately by himself. Although I will be also leaving in a few therefore I don’t know where exactly we could leave it.”
“Me too, I have class in a few.”
“Ah! That’s … not good to hear.” Both of you stood there, looking at what at least can be done in the situation. Then he raised his finger as if a bulb appeared on the top of it, and said. “I think I know one way to do this.”
“What?”
“I’m Taemin by the way.” He offered his hands and you laughed at his expression from what you thought could’ve been the idea. Which he followed up as soon as you have settled yourself. “I can hand it to him if you want. He’ll be here then and I’ll tell him that you sent it courtesy of Dr. Lee. My class won’t take long. Just place it on my table if you want.”
“Alright, please do. My boss is going to bite me in the ass if he doesn’t receive it.”
“No problem!”
No problem, marked by your mind as the flamboyance of the whole building perishes from your sight back to your class. Although, you feel uncertain if it has been already handed to Jonghyun, especially it felt like an important gift to him. But the person you entrusted with seemed to be able to keep his promise. Unless… there would be a problem at which you didn’t want to think about until you bumped into him at the hallway and asked.
“I don’t know where is it—and I… feel like it was just here at the table and now it is gone.” He sounded frightened, and hearing those words aggravated you.
“Are you serious?” Almost like a shout, and his response was:
“I… must have placed it in the dance room lockers.” Great. Misplacing something so important that he promised that he would give as soon as he sees Jonghyun around. Also? It wasn’t there, and he even called for the janitor to open the storage room if he has seen something like the box that he might have found.
“Where do you think it is now?”
“Professor…. I may have misplaced it but I will find it!”
There he realizes his mistake.
“It is an important gift and I just told you that my boss is going to bite me in the ass if I don’t get to give it to Professor Jonghyun!”
“Please please please don’t be mad at me. It is my fault but please please, I will find it! I will!”
You followed him around, and eventually going back to the faculty to ask the people around there. Unfortunately, they didn’t know, and thought that he might have brought it to class as he told them about it. However, you heard one of his co-faculty grumbling that he lost something again. In the first place, why did the other people who were with him warned you first if he already has a record on losing stuff? Or were they even faculty members or other professors from different departments? You don’t know, but the gift is still at wild.
That’s what matters right now.
Running to the dance halls that he went recently, a lot of people were questioned and seeing him drop a sweat in a breezy weather meant the pressure of finding it is getting into him.
The thing is: if you are not able to give it to the person who was supposed to receive it, your boss will get mad at you. And might not trust you again in terms of matters like this, and will cease you to interact with him any further outside of work.
And you don’t want that.
“Where else did you go?”
“I think at the fourth floor?”
“Let’s try finding it separately. Are you sure you didn’t go out of your building?”
“No, I promise.”
Promises, promises. Promises.
Even with the efforts and asking people you don’t know exactly, there was no avail. As well as seeing some of your students along the way and asking why are you antsy and in a rush: it wasn’t found.
Anxious by the impending turn out of this situation, you sat on the hallway exasperated and disappointed of what the results gave you. It’s like failing a major test as a student, except this goes beyond being subjective. You thought it would be a a great idea, and again, it proved you otherwise.
A few minutes later, Taemin approached you when he halted himself to realize that you didn’t find it too. He felt squirmy, and didn’t speak until he found his courage to say:
“Professor, I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s my fault. I told you that I will bring it to him as soon as possible and I lost it. It’s my responsibility and I forgot about it.” He sighed and placed his elbows on his knees to brush his hair.
“Instructor Taemin. It’s both of our faults. I should’ve waited until my class is over and waited until he arrives. But it’s all me too, everything will come down on me because I didn’t take the responsibility of it and even include you to this misery.”
“Please, I was the one who lost the gift. It felt like an important thing, especially to Dr. Lee.”
Staring at the floor, you responded with “if the gift’s gone then we shall tell Dr. Lee about it. I think lying or making an excuse will only make things worse.”
“... I will tell him about it, and will replace it as soon as possible.”
“We will just have to tell him first… solutions will come up to weigh our options.” you looked at his troubled face and stood up to look at your watch. “He’s at the office by now. Let’s go.”
“Professor, please don’t think it’s all in you.”
On your way to your office, Taemin couldn’t keep his hands out of his pocket and anywhere he can fixate himself from the anxiety. Seeing the building where your judgement awaits felt wretched for once, and the lightning about to rage inside it’s halls. You feel the same, except more persuaded to the consequences and will accept any bearing of this incident shall bring.
Eitherway, it’s just, you will not be able to see the smile often when you talk.
Which ruins your rapport with him.
This is business, and you do so hope, just a little that he can be objective.Yet you can’t take out the thought of him being indignant about a personal thing.
Knocking to the door of his office, he shouted that it’s open and when you opened the door he welcomed both of you by standing up, holding his waist.
“Lee Taemin!”
“Ah hyung…” you both stood together side by side and he inhaled, first time you hear the instructor call him hyung.
“What’s wrong?” Curious face, and a frown with his titled head.
You explained unprovoked, with no hesitations of taking responsibility of the said thing. You want to get this done in a snap, let it come, your mind thought.
“Do you know the gift that you want me to give to Professor Jonghyun?”
“Yes, I am aware. Did he say anything?”
“The thing is—“ before you could talk Taemin blurted out. “I may have lost the gift.”
“You lost the gift?”
“Yeah…”
Jinki’s eye widened and stepped out of his tablet to look at the window. Still with his hands on his waist, he sighed and looked at both of you sternly. This is the first time you see this expression, and it has already registered to your mind of the possibilities he is about to say. You can’t paint it, but sure you can predict it.
“How?”
“Hyung, I…”
You swallowed your pride and continued. “I was on my way to class and dropped off the gift to the office thinking that Professor Jonghyun would there but he wasn’t. I saw Instructor Taemin and he told me he can hand it to him instead since I have class in a few.”
Taemin added. “I did have class too, but I thought it would be better if I could hand it to Jonghyun hyung especially his office is just a few steps away from me.”
Jinki drew his lips back and sighed again, crossing his arms and leaning his waist to the cabinet. He looked afar, and even bit his lips. You can’t help but be shaken, being entrusted with a personal matter and you even have the nerve to explain. You feel the churning sensation on your stomach rise up from the realization, and your chest just wanting to crumple.
Then, all of the sudden Jinki hurriedly opened his window and shouted.
“Minho!”
A voice was heard from the field. “Yeah!” It sounded far, and it louden. “What?”
“Taemin lost something again!”
“I don’t even know what has it got to do with me!”
“He lost something again—Taemin!”
Taemin tackled him and Jinki grabbed his arms to let him go. By standing there, you looked away and tried to hold in your laugh.
“Hyung, are you seriously going to shame me in front of Minho hyung and his team?”
Jinki giggled and removing his clasp. “Let… me go!” And after a few moments, they settled down and stood up in front of you. Taemin has a smile on his face but when he saw you, he looked down and realized the situation.
“Doctor.”
“Me and Taemin will talk about the gift. It’s nothing, I’m just sad that Jonghyun would’ve loved to receive something like that especially on his radio anniversary.”
Taemin glanced at Jinki with a surprised expression. “Isn’t it tomorrow?”
“I wanted to give it in advance. Especially he airs at times where time shifts from today to tomorrow.”
“Hyung.”
“We’ll definitely have to buy something later. Can you c—“
“I’ll be with you hyung!”
“Oh. Okay. Yeah. That would be better.”
It has burdened you further from that explanation, and even if it wasn’t you who lost it it felt like the end of terms of this rapport. You are justifying things, rationalizing, but you can’t help the fact that the gift was supposed to be given to Jonghyun for his radio anniversary. The only sentence in your mind now is: God, I’m ready. Take me out of here.
“I can’t find the words that I could say but apologize for not taking care of the gift, Doc.”
Jinki grimaced, with his gentle sigh. “It has happened, we can’t do anything else about it. And next time I wish you wouldn’t talk to this kid since he has a reputation of losing stuff.”
“Hyung!”
“I’m serious! A way to ruin things, Taemin. Way to go.”
“Jinki hyung!”
And all of you laughed from Taemin who felt like he was being made fun of and at the same time easing the situation of being the one who lost the item. At least, it was solved. By admitting what has happened could lead to a better negotiation and resolution.
“It is my anniversary as the host of my radio show. To be honest, it feels like I’m doing this as if it was just the start yesterday. I like hearing everyone’s voices and messages about the topics of everyday.
It feels nice, to know that we’re all here together in this space.
This is Blue Night, I’m Jonghyun.
Today we’re going to talk about trust. We are in the midst of the times when people that they value will sometimes break their trust.
What do you do mostly if they do?
Some people will cling into frustration, and sometimes would make decisions at the moment and not think it through. How about you?
Me, in my way I look st the situation first hand and see what would be best for not only me but for everyone else. What matters is that by the end of the day, solutions will come up even if you don’t find it. To weigh your options may be hard, but in a glance, you’ll be able to know once you try. Once it is made, forgiving people is impeccable. Especially if they know that they have done wrong and aware of how you feel instead of just starting to stress the situation...
It was already Friday, and when you arrived to the said faculty room they were already grooming themselves to leave. Right, you were reminded that there was a party you were invited last week. But you have placed an appointment for your student’s outputs for the next week.
“Are you not going to the party?” Your coworker asked.
“We have a night out tonight!” Another coworker, who glanced at you while putting on her makeup.
“It’s… just 5pm.” Looking at the clock, it was already 5:30 PM.
“It starts at 6pm.”
“Oh.” You sat down and sighed. “I have students coming over for consultation.”
“Ah… did I remind you about it before? Like last Tuesday?”
“Yeah you did, it slipped out my mind. I’ll go next time.”
“That’s unfortunate, alright, we’ll count you in the next time.”
They rushed their selves and told you that everyone’s going to be late tomorrow so you’re going to be the one who’s going to open the faculty by tomorrow. Saturday classes are the most dreadful yet the shortest you have. It’s your laboratory day and you hope your lab assistant arrives early because he’s coming with them.
The students have arrived once they left, and they consulted you with the already made proposals and you saw their eye bags from their faces. By seeing these, you thought of how they really marked Kibum’s words and finished as far as they could to be able to consult what can be your suggestion. You were happy by this, and to know that these are your first students are already making you proud.
It was already 11:00 PM when the consultation was done. Not only because it was a consultation, but they asked you some personal questions that you answered as objective as possible.
By this, it may have developed a better relationship to your students and remind them that you’re not just a professor who inputs their grades from their outputs, but as a guidance to where they want to lead themselves.
It was time to leave and you feel the dread once they have left. You were placing your things to your bag, preparing to go home and planning in your mind what are the tasks at home you are supposed to do before sleep when you heard a stumping sound. It was from the Dr. Lee’s room, for a minute you paused and assumed there was an earthquake.
But if there was, wouldn’t you also feel it too? A rodent inside his office or something that has been placed in a position that can created a loud sound? But it sounded that an object won’t be able to produce unless there is someone inside. Was it the ghost?
Was it?
The room’s light turned on from the blinds. And saw a person’s shadow from the sheer covered glass to his office and blinds, and a few minutes later you saw Dr. Lee come out of the room without his glasses, bag on his back and on checking his phone with both of his hands.
“Aish why did I even lose-oh… Professor __________.”
“Dr. Lee. What are you doing in your… office this kind of late?”
“I thought you will be in the party with the others?”
You both frowned at one another and laughed shyly to one another.
“I had a consultation with my students and can’t reschedule.”
“Ah, that’s nice.”
“Your turn.”
He giggled and showed you his phone that he was playing a game ever since he got into his office that he didn’t notice the time that you heard his stomach rumbling.
“Do you want to eat? I’m… pretty hungry and too lazy to cook at home,”
“Ah… are you sure?” Are you sure, you asked yourself. But you are too tired to refuse already, therefore you both went out of the building together talking about the students.
“So… what time is it?”
“11… PM.”
“Ah… it’s pretty much not traffic on the lanes now. Where do you think we should grab food?” The cafeteria is closed obviously, and all you could think was fast food.
“I think we could eat something like fast food, because I have been craving for that ever since we didn’t get the price.”
“You didn’t let us win.”
“It wasn’t my only decision, Doc.” He laughed and showed a peace sign when you started bargaining your point. “It isn’t!”
“I know, I know. But if that’s something you want then let’s grab some. Did you bring your car?”
“No. I was about to commute at home.”
“Then I’ll take you home after.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Really?” He tilted his head in the most adorable way and you bit your lips before getting in his car. What a charmer.
Once inside and he started the engine, familiar voice was heard from the radio.
“Are you feeling cold already? Fall’s here. And even if sometimes we fall, it’s okay, because somehow, we’ll be able to know how to get up again. And I hope we will be able to find it. This is Blue Night, I’m Kim Jonghyun and how are you lately?”
You saw how Jinki’s face smile, and placed his seat belt. “Is this your first time hearing him?”
“Yes. He has a great voice for singing, and even with radio. It already feels like a blanket at night… am I describing too much?”
“No, no, it’s okay. He gets that a lot. I’m just glad that he does this because he loves it.”
“You seem to be proud of him.”
“Yeah.” He nodded and started driving.
City lights passed by your silhouette, the breeze coming from the air conditioned car and the scent gives you a glimpse of Jinki’s preferences.
Smell of comfort hovered, and he uses his shifting gear as firm as he could grip with precision.
He brushed his hair to his back neck and held on the steering wheel with a sigh. Then the voice once again spoke after several songs.
“I hope you are enjoying your listen tonight. Our topic for today is being with someone. Whether it is your significant other or anyone from your family or someone important to you, why do you think they are the most valuable person or people in your life? Are they the ones keeping you smile as always? For me, I have my dog, and her name is Roo as you all know. I love her so much, and she’s one of that I love being with because she’s always there for me when times are rough and times are good as well. What about you? Send them in, I’ll be waiting.”
He signaled a left turn before the countdown to go left. He looked tired, but looking forward that he’s driving on his way to the fast food chain that he thinks is the best.
“Do you want to eat inside? Or… do you want to listen?” Giving you options to keep on listening, because you startled when he parked the car.
“It’s okay, Doc. I’ll listen next time at home.”
“You sure?”
You nodded, and realized your reaction. He smirked, and started the car again to drive to the drive through.
“You have a different facial expression when you want something.”
“Does it remind you of someone?” You asked and he looked before ordering to the speaker.
“No one, just an observation.”
Upon reaching the final stop for the food, Jonghyun started speaking again.
“I have received lots of messages lately, and it is wonderful to know each and everyone’s remark with our question today. I shall read them now..”
He quickly thanked for your orders and started driving without asking you to where to go.
“Here’s a sweet one: being able to talk with that person makes my heart flutter. To know that they are there to listen to your whims and what you’ve done that day. They are important to me as well because they support me in every step of my life. That they see me grow and I can hear them cheer for me whenever I try my best to do the hardest things.
Love that grows is what I always admire, to see that not just because you like the person they will always remain as they are when you knew about them. To be able to see them grow and see every step they take one day at a time is overboard with romanticism. It is a devotion, to know that love, has no boundaries. And to love someone is to accept them as a whole.”
You smiled, and wishing that one day that will come. To know that at some people’s lives they have people who supports them in every way possible makes things better. Not just a significant other but someone you can lean on.
“I also received a message saying: To be with someone has always took me to places that I think made me afraid to love someone again. Everyone feels temporary, but to figure out that it isn’t that hard is because of my cat. My cat can be stubborn at one point but to see him cuddle his way to me whenever I’m about to sleep makes me feel better. I value my cat as much as I value my life, it helped me. And to feel better is already an achievement, and being with my cat feels like the greatest price.”
Dr. Lee dropped you off to the apartment building where you are staying and it was almost 1 AM.
“Where do you live, Doc?”
“Just around the corner.”
“Oh, okay. Really, thank you. Even if I made a little mess on your car.”
“It’s okay. I’m about to wash it anyway tomorrow.”
“Alright, really. Thank you doc. Please tell Professor Jonghyun that I love listening to him and will listen as much as I could.”
“Yes, I’ll tell him. See you.”
“See you tomorrow.”
And he left with a smile engraved to your mind like a tattoo, and passing out as soon as you reached your bed.
“And my last message is from one of my friends that always listens: It feels nice to value someone again. The relationship you build with them is something look forward to, as if you already knew them for a long time. I’m already imagining everything we can do and what can we do to help one another. I already value this person even if it’s just a beginning, is this crazy?
It is not crazy. This is how fondness to someone starts, which I’m glad you have found a person to value with after some time. Hyung, I hope you happiness as you always hope for me and pray for me, and let us remain strong, together.”
See you tomorrow you both said, and seeing him in the laboratory equipments room as you entered and finding the lab technician was a promise fulfilled.
*
“Ah… ______! Good morning!” The sun is up and shining again, alike of his expression. Different from the mood yesterday, he was quiet and observant of your movements. Sitting on shotgun in his safe place is what you want to do once more. But will there be a chance?
“Good morning Doctor.” You approached him and browsed for the equipments you need from the corkboard you have. “What are you doing here?”
“The lab technician just told me that he’s going to be absent today.” Great, you have already preemptively thought about what if this happens and it has happened.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in… I think it’s in your schedule board that you have a meeting by 10 AM?”
“I have a meeting at 10 AM. Which was cancelled, because the people I’m going to be with are absent too. It sucks, but we should consider that they are pretty much still sleeping right now.”
“All just because of a party?”
“It was that chaotic. They told me.”
“Who told you?”
“Ah… it’s—we’ll talk later.” you saw your students arrive from the other side of the room settling their things and wearing their coats. Jinki nodded to you as he asked the list you need for demonstration purposes, and you went out to proceed with the class. As soon as he was done getting the equipment out of the room he is from, he sat far back of the class and listened. By pushing his glasses back to his face and jotting down notes that you say, you thought of maybe he was evaluating you.
Yet you brushed that thought and continued.
He helped you most with the demonstration for the dissection and made lots of puns that you thought wasn’t even funny, but the students found it hilarious.
“Are you really sure that is how you’re going to incise that part of the frog?”
“It was the demonstration, Doctor.”
“Do you think it was right?”
“Doctor Lee!”
“I’m serious. Let me do it once more to show you.”
He giggled, helped them and joined you in observing the student’s performance on their own learning activity.
Despite the lack of sleep and rushing your way to the university paid off with performances that excelled beyond your expectations: he was with you too, and being with him already feels good.
5장: when an irresistible force such as you, meets an old immovable object like me.
It was an ordinary day where most of the professors are out for their classes minding their own businesses.
Last Monday was incredible, and by letting multimedia arts club win was not something you regret. Even if it left the sports team throwing their fits over how biased it might have looked, Minho thought it was fair at the end and even handed the gift check to the winning participants.
Either way, there was nothing else to do but to accept what has happened.
While your class was doing their lecture seatwork, a professor passed by your door and turned back to look at what you’re doing.
You glanced, and saw Professor Kibum. You called for his attention and he entered to the class, where the students reacted differently in a good way. With his coat placed on his shoulder, buttoned undershirt with high-waist slacks and brogues, he stood beside the table and asked.
“So, how’s everything?”
“To be honest, it’s good. What brings you here?”
“Was just passing by, my class was done. It will be another hours or 2 with the next. I’m kind of… thinking if we could eat lunch together.”
It was almost lunch time anyway, and perhaps this can be a good thing to know one another. Especially for you to open connections with other departments, it’s a win win situation. Maybe you can become friends, or just pure colleagues.
“Sure.” The students once again reacted, and they gained a glare from him. “Continue your work.”
“You have a way with the students.”
“Uhuh.”
“Why?”
“They think you’re asking me with something else.” Then he laughed hysterically that he had to cover his mouth and place his things on the table to stop laughing. As he turned around towards the board, he tried breathing and still it made him laugh.
“Professor Kim?”
“I’m fine! Really!”
“Do you even get what I mean?”
“Clear as day…ohmygod. Why do you have to say it so bluntly?”
The class was done, the seat works were submitted in time and you were on your way to lunch. You and Kibum were about to go out of the classroom when the students came blocking your way and rushing to ask you about their proposals they need to submit by the following weeks. “You could’ve asked when we were at class.”
“We didn’t want to interrupt, and we are not aware that we can.”
“I’m totally aware that I always ask if you have any reactions before the class ends and I’m welcome for questions any time.”
“You were in a rush the last time.” One student said that made his eyes widened crossed his arms. “Do you think that’s the right way to act that way especially if you are asking for someone’s time even beyond your designated schedule?”
“Sir…”
“Professor Kim.” You uttered to halt and he raised his hand to you to make a point.
“In what year are you?”
“Freshmen” The students uttered in shame, looking down to the floor out of that.
“Lucky if you are, cause if you’re going to keep acting that way until the very end, no one else will hire you. Mark my words.”
“Yes… sir.” It was almost a whisper, and you remember the days when your professors are always not available on times you want to consult them and they would be frustrated whenever you interrupt them with their own businesses. Despite that time being their schedule consultation from the faculty.
From the aggravation it spurred, Kibum relentlessly grabbed your wrist and you glanced at your back as he pulled you outside.
“You can ask me in the faculty by Friday!”
“Alright. Thank you Professor!”
With your blurry vision, you may have seen someone tear up.
Arriving at the cafeteria, it wasn’t as sunny as the previous day therefore you decided to eat outside.
Separately you ordered your food, and he got his order first and tried to find a seat. Once you found him from tables filled with students, you placed your tray as he drink his coffee, there on he sighed loudly and smiled at you.
“Are you allowing your students to dictate your move if I just told you that you have a way with your students?”
“It was impeccable. And your compliment is too much for a new professor.”
“Yet, of course you have proven your point. You just need better horsepower.”
“Horsepower?”
You laughed and started eating, and his sense of himself has always been present especially with his choices of food.
e eats anything that can be eaten, and even asked if he can have a taste of what you ordered. It tasted great, and he said that next time you both eat together you should point it to him so he can get it too.
“The cafeteria’s cook has changed course and now I’m living for his cooking.”
“Was it terrible back then?”
“No. It isn’t, just mediocre to the tastes of the dimwits.”
“Dimwits?”
“Short for students.”
“Amazing label.” You laughed again, and he smiled by your reaction.
“You’re so clueless.” He shook his head.
“Clueless?”
“Or are you pretending to be?”
“Professor Kibum, it’s just I’m assuring things triple times than to just accept.”
“Why don’t you just accept the fact?”
“Fact about what?”
“That you’re interested with Dr. Lee.”
“He’s my boss. I like him.”
“You like him as………..” He mischievously stated and by showing your displeased face made him laugh even more. “You like him as a coworker! You keep on assuming things!”
“Why do you keep insisting it though?”
“Please, if you’re really that interested just admit it. And I’m rooting for you.”
“Alright, for the love of god, if ever… and if just ever… why would you? Who are my contenders?”
“A lot of course, they are too many to count. They’re always with you often, and they are better at hiding it than you are.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“And I’m a matchmaker, it’s proven by many.”
His eye contact was with you until he turned and saw a tall man approach your direction. Wearing his workout outfit and brushing his hair up while sweating, you can’t help but notice that he gulped, and when the runner’s eyes and his eye met, he looked away and stuffed so many food on his mouth.
“Ah…. Professor Kim… are you interested with Instructor Choi?”
He pointed at his stuffed face and looked at the other way to avoid the situation.
“You’re supposed to be the one that I’m supposed to tease!”
He grumbled and weakly slapped you. There he drank his cup of water and replied. “You’re just trying to deviate the situation!”
And you whispered. “I think… he saw us.”
“What!” A loud whisper from him.
Minho arrived and politely borrowed a seat from another table, and the one he asked just stared with her jaw open until he got to seat to your table. Must’ve been overwhelmed. “Ah…. I’m done.” He checked his watch where his steps were recorded and heart rate was placed.
“What are you doing here?” Sounding vexed.
“I’m resting. What’s the problem?”
Kibum eye rolled but you cannot help yourself but to keep on drawing your lips back to hold the laughter.
“What are you guys eating?”
You responded slowly. “Just….the…cafeteria’s choices today.” Then when you looked at Kibum again, his body language changed and he crossed his arms. “Kibum… what’s wrong?”
And his tone too, that sounded higher than before. “Someone’s here to ruin my day.”
“Am I really ruining your day?” Minho pouted, and asked you. “Is his day ruined?”
“I don’t know with him.” You raised your hands, telling that you don’t know. Minho sighed and placed his bottle that he was holding the whole time.
“You’re really not going to entertain me later?”
“I don’t want your crying ass just because you lost by such a petty show.”
“It wasn’t! It was fun!” You said, and they both looked at you for a second and laughed.
“You had fun mostly, because of Dr. Lee.” Kibum wiggled his brows that earned your eyeroll. Then Minho responded happily, explaining the same point.
“Oh, he can sing well. Jinki hyung can sing. Every time there’s a chance we always try to make him sing in Christmas Parties or even just because we want to.”
“So…what do you think? _______?”
You replied. “I did hear it once, like when we were at the faculty room and he was at the office. But my co-workers told me that it’s better to hear his singing than something else. I can’t even understand what they are trying to say, either that was a compliment or not.”
“Oh, the ghosts. Of course! Kibum loves hanging around those places.”
“You are being sarcastic.”
“Yes I am, Mr. Coward, thinking you’re clever.”
“I’m not a coward, you are!”
Then they kept bickering one another until lunch time was done, knowing how they interact made you witness that sometimes it doesn’t have to be sweet but by how someone loves doing something with you.
Especially the teasing and mockery, but behind that are feelings of fondness flourishing.
Thereafter, they asked if you have more classes to attend and if there isn’t, you can come with them to watch the Flamers practice. You refused, because you had enough of their way of expressing their feelings to one another.
As you were about to stand up, fortunately your coworkers arrived and was with Dr. Lee. Being on the stage, he covered himself with the coat he was wearing.
“And from the Biology society, Dr. Lee Jinki!”
“Lee Jinki! Lee Jinki!”
Your coworkers cheered for him as they called the students from your department to join the event.
From that moment, you were relieved that you didn’t have to present but the burden is now on his. Then your eyes met as he looked at the side and waved at you.
Giving him a thumbs up despite his flustered face produced a good smile from him and he breathed out before slowly removing his cover.
“Kim Jonghyun! Kim Jonghyun!” crowd the Multimedia Arts society.
“Kim Ki Bum! Kim Ki Bum!” English Literates.
“Choi Minho! Choi Minho!” Flamers Football Team.
“Lee Taemin! Lee Taemin.” Several students who you don’t recognize, with some Multimedia Arts crowd and had a different chant for him.
It was more high-pitched, and endearing in a way. The difference between the multimedia arts crowd and the others are how they treat him. His society cheers for him as if he was a mentor but still being treated like a baby, and Jonghyun was clapping at them for doing so. And the others? Treats him as an attractive person who has tendencies of being sensual and mature. Eitherway, it made him giggle and hid his face to Jonghyun.
Ki Bum brushed his hair and asked frantically to Dr. Lee. “Why are you even here?”
“I have no talent to show, I don’t know why am I even here.” Dr. Lee replied with a laugh and the Biology society crowd cried for his lie.
“You don’t know who you are up against, Professor Bum.” Minho answered, and added. “By the way, please Dr. Lee, give me this time to win if you think it’s better for you to not.”
They approached one another and both shook hands with the agreement, and their reactions were mixed by this action. Jonghyun then threw his hands to the air and held Taemin’s “Then I bet with Taemin!”
“Enough with the alliances! We’ll be playing music and show what you’ve got!”
“Is there anything we get from this?” Ki Bum said, with him holding his waist and Minho mimicked it.
A woman in a fast food uniform ran to the stage and handed an envelope, and confirmed that it is a special offer if anyone wins it from the said show.
“**** worth of gift check from our food sponsors!”
To think that everyone’s really excited for a fast food gift check even if it’s really easy to get them by visiting the store or reach a certain amount to be able to have it.
When the words of food came out of the host’s mouth, Jinki couldn’t help but frown at Minho who also wants to have the price for the sake of beating Kibum.
The music played while you were being settled to seat on your judging tables. Rushed papers were provided to you in a folder, and observed every participant. It was kind of confusing especially from their silly games of competing one another of yanking and bumping each other’s waist to give space to be in the spotlight.
For the final part, they were given a chance sing with the song of their choice especially with the only five men competitive enough to fight another.
Dr. Lee didn’t even want to quit now, the motivation for the price feels really tempting to do anything for the sake of it.
Jonghyun and Taemin were already whispering on what song they were supposed to sing while Minho kept on distracting Kibum who was thinking of what he should sing.
And when they finally talked to the music team from the backstage, the first one who volunteered to perform were Jonghyun and Taemin.
“Today, we’re going to perform a duet from Professor Jonghyun’s backlog.” Taemin laughed and Jonghyun tapped him with a smile.
“It’s about a man who has waited for their loved one to come home, either you have a significant other right now or someone important to you, I hope you can relate to this song.”
“Please listen to us and cheer.”
“Please enjoy, and don’t forget to pass by our booth and join. It will be great if you do. Thank you and, once again enjoy.”
J: Hold out your hand, wrap it around my neck
A little below, massage my shoulders
At the end of a tiring day
Even if the sun has already come up
I’m finally closing my eyes
T: I close the door to my day later than others
Playfully tickle my earlobe
Because even though we’ve been in different worlds all day
We always end the day together
J: Your small shoulders, your small hands
Become my cozy blanket at the end of a tiring day
T: You did a good job today, you worked so hard
I hope my shoulders and my thick hands
J: Will become cozy comfort
For the end of your tiring day as well
I want to naturally sync my breathing with yours
T: Like water in a bathtub that wraps around you
With no space left
I wanna warmly hold you without any space left
J: At the end of my day, filled with awkward mistakes
You, my prize, are waiting for me
T: Your small shoulders, your small hands
Become my cozy blanket at the end of a tiring day
You did a good job today, you worked so hard
I hope my shoulders and my thick hands
J: Will become cozy comfort
For the end of your tiring day as well
I want to naturally sync my breathing with yours
T: I can’t cry all I want or even laugh all I want
At the end of a tiring day but still, if I’m next to you
Like a child, I can whine and then laugh
J: Till I run out of breath
I’m not used to seeing myself like this
J&T: You did a good job today, you worked so hard
You are my prize
The crowd clapped and wiping their tears to the point where they were smiling from the emotions projected by the performance. Both of them bowed and waved humbly, and was really happy with the performance they did together even after they stepped out of the stage.
Not only they performed well, but they have induced such an overflowing emotion of fondness from a person they have been looking forward to see after a long day of missing them.
It may not be just a day, but to finally see that someone will always be heartwarming.
You felt it right to your chest, and wishing that one day you’ll be able to finally meet the person you think will be able to put the song into action.
Kibum and Minho also performed their own performances, they were upbeat, fun and they both had the steering wheel of their own show.
The situation felt like wind fighting fire, and Minho even rapped with the crowd as if it was his force. He moved them, and even crowd diving to the sports team and going back with them at the stage singing altogether.
Nonetheless, when he was done performing, Minho patted one of you while his only opponent was performing his song on the judges panel at the front.
“So hey… what are you guys thinking?”
“You’re not supposed to be here.”
“I’m just asking! Let me see your grading sheet!”
“You’re trying to bribe me into letting you win!”
“How the hell a judge would assume that even if I have not done anything? Are you... rooting for him?”
“Let me watch the performance and see what I can do!”
He just stood behind one of the judge with an hideous smile while being intimidating the one who was performing.
You saw Kibum brush away his opponent’s glare and draws in his crowd to join him in singing. He’s a full blown entertainer, sang with joy with his heart to perform, and not just singing but also dancing.
He poured out his emotions with the song of his choice, and to charm everyone even the opponent’s crowd that you gave him a big score on that category.
And the last performer was Dr. Lee, and you were doubting of what he will perform or what you will feel as soon as he lets out a voice.
The other people looked at one another, suspicious about what does a man with Ph.D has to offer from all of the singing contestants for the talent show.
He stood in front, and held the mic with his assuring expression.
“Good day everyone, I do hope you’ll enjoy my performance even if it’s really short.”
I’ve never said this before
To tell you the truth,
I felt my heart beating on that day
Since the beginning, I knew
I wasn’t sure but it felt like our fate
Was already decided
Love is coming to me
It leads me toward you
It feels like a dream that I’ll never wake up from
It really seems
Like a dream
I remember the day we first met
You came to me
On a dazzling and bright day
Thank you for coming to me
Since the beginning, I knew
I wasn’t sure but it felt like our fate
Was already decided
Love is coming to me
It leads me toward you
It feels like a dream that I’ll never wake up from
It really seems
Like a dream
You are smiling at me
On this beautiful day
But why are tears forming
In my eyes?
I hope this is a dream that I’ll never wake up from
I hope things will never change
I hope the place where love lingers
Can be somewhere we can be together
It feels like a dream that I’ll never wake up from
It really seems
Like a dream
I remember the day we first met
You came to me on a dazzling and bright day
Thank you so much
For coming to me
It was a distinct voice filled with overwhelming emotions of love that has been found after a long time of loneliness.
Not only when he started to close his eyes to stop his tears to flow, but you saw his lips curve from sensing it. He bowed for long when it was done, and the applause was heard.
You wanted to stand up, shout over the pride for the society but being the judge, you were meant to be objective.
What made things complicated was when he was about to step down the stage, he looked at you for a matter of seconds and smiled before leaving. What a dork, and you were impressed objectively, but subjectively?
